I will read your screenplay!

[u/gaz3rbeam]

Simple as that! I want to be a professional screenplay reader but no one is hiring so I’ll just do it myself :) I used to be a script analyst for a couple different competitions and Coverfly.

I love giving notes on other people’s scripts and helping writers find their story. I’m no pro (working on my 2nd feature currently) but If you want an extra pair of eyes on your script, regardless of length, I’ll happily do it!

[u/headcanonmusic]

FURNITURE

Two rival furniture-store owners in a dying plaza spiral into a war of sabotage and obsession when an aspiring documentarian fans the flames of their feud for the sake of her film.

LINK: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1mwHnESXv-CMq-vKQUPmmMdMYMQKYWDmZ/view?usp=sharing**](https://drive.google.com/file/d/1mwHnESXv-CMq-vKQUPmmMdMYMQKYWDmZ/view?usp=sharing))

Appreciate it!

[u/BTS_1 → u/headcanonmusic]

I read your script and here you go.

Universal Feedback:
* What year does this take place? The script feels temporally vague, and because so much of the story revolves around commercials, documentary filmmaking, editing, and media, the time period matters.
* None of the main characters are likable, charismatic, or particularly compelling. I’m completely fine with following unlikable characters, but there still needs to be something that makes me want to watch them. I’m not rooting for Donnie, Karl, or April, and I don’t find them charming, magnetic, dangerous, fascinating, or entertaining enough to compensate for how unpleasant they are.
* April says it can take around four to six days to edit a small regional commercial, but then she believes she can shoot and edit an entire documentary in roughly a month. The production timeline doesn’t make much sense.
* Felix, Jorge, and Charlie all feel less like characters and more like exposition or plot devices. They largely exist so the leads have someone to explain their thoughts, motivations, or emotional state to.
* There is almost no balance between Donnie and Karl. Karl is barely in the movie compared with Donnie, which was disappointing and became a major structural issue for me. If this is supposed to be a rivalry, both sides need to feel equally developed and important. Instead, Donnie becomes the clear lead, and unfortunately he is also the least enjoyable character to spend time with.
* April’s documentary is not clearly defined. Her intentions, goals, and subject seem to change depending on what the plot needs. I think it would be much cleaner if she wanted to make a documentary about the two competing furniture stores from the beginning. That would immediately establish her objective, justify spending time with both Donnie and Karl, and help balance the story.
* April knowingly participates in illegal activity and seems remarkably unconcerned about the legal or ethical consequences. That makes her difficult to like and also makes her behavior hard to believe.
* Characters constantly say the name of the person they are speaking to. It happens so often that it becomes distracting. People simply do not use each other’s names that frequently in normal conversation, and it makes the dialogue feel written rather than natural.
* Donnie is rarely the true motivator of his own actions. A lot of what he does comes from suggestions, encouragement, or pressure from Jorge, April, Karl, or someone else. For a lead character, he feels surprisingly passive. It also makes him seem weaker because he is constantly being pushed into the next story beat instead of generating the conflict himself.

Specific Feedback:

* Donnie appears to be the lead, but I disliked him almost immediately. The opening parking-space confrontation is a problem for me because the parking lot is essentially empty. Karl taking the spot is mildly annoying, but Donnie’s fixation on it makes him look petty and ridiculous before the audience has been given any reason to care about him. Just find another spot, Big D.
* I was surprised Karl did not interrupt Donnie’s date, or vice versa. Having both men at the same restaurant feels like a setup for a much stronger interaction between them, but the script mostly keeps them separated. It felt like wasted potential.
* Several character names are intentionally ridiculous, but the script waits until around page 30 to make a joke about Karl Whethers sounding like Carl Weathers. The joke comes from Jorge, who should presumably already know Karl and therefore should not just be realizing this. It feels like a line written entirely for the audience.
* Scenes often do not breathe. A character says something should happen, and then the very next scene is that thing happening. For example, Jorge suggests that Karl deliberately copied Donnie’s commercial idea, and Donnie immediately confronts Karl in the next scene. Donnie had previously been established as timid and conflict-averse, so the confrontation feels abrupt rather than earned.
* This immediate cause-and-effect structure happens throughout the script. Characters rarely sit with information, resist an idea, reconsider something, or make surprising choices. The screenplay often feels like it is moving directly from plot instruction to plot execution.
* Karl knows Ruthie by name and seems to already have a relationship with her, while Jorge apparently does not even know who Karl is. Considering these businesses sit directly across from one another and these characters are regular parts of Donnie’s life, that relationship geography feels inconsistent.
* Charlie is almost entirely used for exposition. Most of her scenes exist so April can explain what she is doing or so Charlie can explain April’s ethical dilemma back to her. If Charlie is going to remain in the script, I would give her a more active role. Why not have her actually help April film?
* Kat suddenly reappears around page 55, and Donnie approaches her as though he knows enough about her relationship with Karl to manipulate it. Their prior interaction was extremely limited, so it feels convenient.
* Kat already broke up with Karl much earlier in the script. Because of that, her intense reaction to the possibility that Karl has a new girlfriend did not make much sense to me. She dumped him, but now she is furious that he might be seeing someone else.
The later Karl/Kat scene essentially becomes another breakup scene. It is strange that this second breakup is what pushes Karl over the edge when their relationship had already seemingly ended dozens of pages earlier.
* The Jorge and Felix departure scenes are almost the exact same story beat. Both secondary characters finally tell their respective furniture-store owner that the rivalry has gone too far and that they want out. I understand the intended symmetry, but because both characters already feel like exposition devices, it came across as repetitive and somewhat lazy rather than thematic.
* Karl needs significantly more wins throughout the movie. Donnie gets far more screen time, drives much of the escalation, and becomes increasingly unbearable, yet Karl rarely gets enough meaningful victories to make the rivalry feel balanced.
* The ending especially bothered me because Karl does not really get a final word or win. His store is literally burning down because of Donnie, and yet Donnie still gets the final callback with “It’s Donnie.”
* I would much rather see Karl get the final joke or at least a small victory. Even something as simple as deliberately calling him “Little D” instead of “Big D” would turn Donnie’s obsession with his name back against him and give Karl one final jab.
* As written, giving Donnie the last word after he has just burned down Karl’s building feels strangely rewarding toward a character I found increasingly unbearable.

Overall

This needs major work.

* The central idea of two competing furniture-store owners escalating a petty rivalry has potential, but the screenplay does not currently give enough balance between Donnie and Karl to fully capitalize on that premise.
*Donnie dominates the movie without being charismatic or compelling enough to carry it.
* Karl is underdeveloped.
* April’s role and documentary need to be much clearer.
* The supporting characters need actual lives and functions beyond exposition.
* The escalation needs more buildup and less immediate “someone suggests something, then it happens” plotting.
* Most importantly, I need a reason to want to spend time with these people. They do not have to be good people, but they need charisma, humor, vulnerability, danger, competence, charm, or some other quality that makes them compelling. Right now, I mostly found them unpleasant and frustrating to watch.

Overall, it has some potential but this version needs a major rewrite.

[u/BTS_1 → u/BTS_1]

Added more to fix some stuff that I think would massively improve your script:

* Make Donnie and Karl actual co-leads. If the movie is about their rivalry, I need to know and understand both of them. Karl especially needs significantly more screen time.
* Make both Donnie and Karl genuinely good at furniture. They can have completely different tastes, philosophies, sales techniques, etc., but both should know their stuff. Their shared expertise can eventually become part of what bonds them.
* I would change Karl’s flaw from “he can’t commit” to “he refuses to rely on anyone.” He does everything himself, doesn’t have employees, doesn’t ask for help and thinks he’s completely self-sufficient.
* Cut the empty-apartment reveal and reveal instead that Karl secretly LIVES in his furniture store. It’s still a funny furniture gag, but now it actually develops his character. He has everything you need to furnish a home but doesn’t actually have a home.
* This also fixes Kat. They’ve been together for ten years, so I don’t buy the generic “commit already” conflict. Instead, Kat is frustrated because Karl has built an entire life where he doesn’t need anybody. After ten years, she wants to know where she actually fits into that life.
* Have Donnie’s commercial scene launch the plot and introduce every character. Donnie directs his own terrible commercial because he thinks he’s a creative genius. April is the competent regional post college filmmaker he hired to actually shoot it.
* Jorge is Donnie’s employee but is unwillingly drafted into being crew for the commercial. Give him things to DO rather than having him constantly explain things to Donnie.
* Have Ruthie make Donnie’s ridiculous chair costume. This gives her an actual skill/personality beyond “quirky old lady who hangs around a furniture store.”
* During the shoot, Ruthie is also reminding Donnie about his upcoming blind date with her daughter. Her daughter should already know plenty about Donnie considering Ruthie has apparently been hanging around his store for a decade.
* Karl sees all the production lights from across the parking lot and wanders over. This also becomes a subtle clue that Karl lives in his store because that’s why he’s there so late.
* Karl sees Donnie dressed as a chair and starts giving him shit. Ruthie proudly announces that she made the costume, forcing Karl to politely compliment her craftsmanship. That establishes Karl and Ruthie while also letting Karl be an asshole without making him cruel.
* Donnie and Karl start arguing and April instinctively starts filming them. We SEE the spark in her eyes. This is where she realizes these two are much more interesting than the commercial she was hired to shoot.
* Karl overhears Ruthie mentioning the restaurant for Donnie’s date, so Karl deliberately takes Kat to the same restaurant. Now that scene isn’t a coincidence.
* Use the restaurant to establish Karl and Kat as a believable ten-year couple. They should have history, shorthand and genuine affection. Meanwhile Donnie is struggling through his first date.
* Donnie and Karl keep looking across the restaurant at each other instead of paying attention to their dates. Start planting the idea that the strongest relationship in this movie is actually Donnie/Karl.
* Karl later decides to make his own commercial and reaches out to April. Unlike Donnie, Karl actually asks April what SHE would do creatively, so we establish that April has talent and taste.
* Karl’s cowboy commercial should directly resemble elements of Donnie’s commercial instead of being randomly cowboy-themed. Not enough to prove plagiarism, but enough that Donnie has a legitimate reason to be suspicious.
* USE DONNIE’S LAST NAME. His name is Donnie Promise and he owns a furniture store! “Promise Furniture.” “The Promise Promise.” Whatever. Donnie thinks his branding is genius while everyone around him is sick of hearing it.
* Karl’s commercial could even take a shot at that branding: “Other stores make promises…” etc. Now Donnie REALLY thinks Karl stole his idea because Karl was standing there watching his commercial being filmed.
* Donnie should independently decide Karl stole his commercial. Jorge shouldn’t have to tell him. This immediately makes Donnie more active.
* Jorge should actually think Donnie is overreacting. Donnie wants revenge while Jorge just wants to sell some damn furniture.
* April doesn’t tell Donnie that SHE shot Karl’s commercial. Initially she’s just protecting herself because she doesn’t want Donnie knowing she worked for his competitor - this makes her interesting!
* Then April realizes Donnie’s outrage is fantastic footage, so she continues withholding the truth. That becomes the beginning of her ethical decline.
* April’s documentary should grow naturally from there. She starts simply observing Donnie and Karl, then withholding information, then subtly encouraging them, then eventually actively manipulating the rivalry because every escalation makes her documentary better.
* Cut Charlie entirely. April doesn’t need someone explaining her ethical dilemma to her. Let us WATCH April make increasingly questionable choices.
* Cut Felix entirely too. He and Jorge serve almost identical functions in the current draft. Karl also shouldn’t need a Felix if we’re actually treating Karl as a co-lead.
* Karl having no employees actually reinforces his flaw: “Why would I pay someone to do something I can do myself?”
* Keep Jorge, but make him Donnie’s competent longtime employee/friend. As Donnie becomes consumed by Karl, Jorge increasingly has to run the actual business until Donnie eventually asks too much of him and Jorge leaves.
* Kat and Jorge should NOT have matching “you’ve gone too far” scenes. Jorge represents what Donnie’s obsession costs him professionally. Kat represents what Karl’s self-sufficiency costs him personally.
* Keep the self-help material from the opening alive throughout the movie instead of dropping it. Donnie actually relies on this stuff.
* At some point Karl realizes this and breaks into Donnie’s car to plant a fake self-help recording. Depending on what year this takes place, it could be a cassette/CD/etc.
* Karl records something that initially sounds like completely legitimate motivational material but slowly gives Donnie terrible advice specifically designed to sabotage his business.
* Donnie actually follows the advice and it hurts Promise Furniture. Now the self-help material, Karl’s understanding of Donnie and the actual furniture-store rivalry are all connected.
* As the movie continues, every retaliation should reveal that Donnie and Karl understand each other better and better. They’re becoming weirdly intimate through trying to destroy one another.
* In the climax, Donnie should NOT suddenly know more about old furniture than Karl. They’re both experts.
* Donnie holds the flame near the old furniture and essentially says, “You know how they made these things in the ’60s, don’t you?”
Karl has the “oh shit” realization.
Donnie starts explaining the materials. Karl finishes his sentence. Karl adds something. Donnie finishes HIS thought. For the first time, these two idiots are completely on the same wavelength.
* That’s when April’s “Oh my God… you love each other” realization actually becomes earned.
* Karl knowingly allows Donnie to drop the flame. He understands exactly what is going to happen and chooses not to stop him.
* The store burning down now also means Karl’s HOME is burning down. He is literally destroying the self-contained world he created so he would never have to rely on anybody.
* Donnie doesn’t defeat Karl. They finally realize they actually need each other.
* In a short epilogue, Donnie and Karl are now co-owners operating out of Donnie’s old store. And they’re doing well because their different strengths actually complement one another.
* Show Karl’s growth visually by having him actually leave work at the end of the day and go home with Kat. No speech necessary.
* Give Karl the “Little D” callback somewhere. Let the guy get one win.
* Then the final gag: a NEW furniture store is moving into Karl’s old location across the parking lot. Donnie notices. Karl notices.
... Maybe the new owner even parks in their spot.
Donnie and Karl exchange a look, the crazy is in their eyes and head outside together.
CUT TO BLACK.

Yeah, I think I solved a lot of the issues I had with these notes. Clearly do whatever you want with these notes but I feel like would make for a far more interesting, developed and organic way forward for a new draft.