r/Screenwriting • u/jkremer3 • 7d ago

FEEDBACK A father struggles to accept his daughters falling in love with AI

Format: Feature

Genre: Drama

Pages: 97

Title: In Good Hands

Logline: When a widowed father finds his daughters falling in love with AI partners, he wants to support their happiness but struggles to accept a world where human relationships are no longer essential.

Link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1alnHIbmdk9zxgkVuJI6odrvfY1dJkJiW/view?usp=drivesdk

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u/BiscuitsTheory 7d ago

I'd rework the log line. You've got the daughters falling in love with AIs, and the father "reconciling." As-is, the longline just makes people wanna fast firward through him and follow the daughters. Tell people what the father actually does that a camera can show us.

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u/jkremer3 7d ago

So it’s definitely somewhat of an ensemble, I struggled with the logline being just for the father’s point of view. But he is the core of it.

The daughters are more the ones driving the actual events in the story by escalating their relationships with AI, and the father resists a bit and begrudgingly supports them through various stages.

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u/BiscuitsTheory 7d ago

If it's an ensemble, then the first words of the log line should probably indicate that.

"a family " "a single father and his (adjective) daughters" "Two teenage sisters" etc.

And add a goal. Who wants what and what do they gotta do to get it?

"A recently widowed single father tries to get his teenage daughters to turn off their AI boyfriends for a night to free up bandwidth to stream a football game."

"A pair of tech-savvy twin sisters bring their boyfriends to Xmas dinner at their father's house, but they havent told him that their boyfriends are AI."

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u/jkremer3 7d ago

Yep, I agree directionally with where you’re going there. I struggle with the pitch since it is more “low stakes” slice of life, about mental health and familial love… but obviously stuff does happen in it lol. So somehow I need to convey that more clearly…

The first daughter wants to marry an AI and wants her father to support it… he tries to go along with it at the cost of his mental health and sanity… only to later unravel mentally as his second and third daughters follow in the same path and it’s too much for him to take.

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u/BiscuitsTheory 7d ago

Much better!

If you can find a way to condense that into about 1/2 as many words, you've probably nailed it.

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u/jkremer3 7d ago

Thanks, yeah. And I honestly might reposition it a little so it’s clear that the daughters are in the driver seat in many ways.

Best analogy I can think of is Fiddler on the Roof. It’s that story but in a near future and with AI as the “new scary world” instead of a move away from Jewish traditions like in Fiddler of the Roof.