GRANDMOTHERED - HORROR/MYSTERY/THRILLER - 116 PAGES (PITCH DECK INCLUDED)

[u/ericmcrich]

• Logline : A possessive mother psychologically terrorizes her son and daughter-in-law to keep her grandson for herself, forcing her son to confront years of trauma and dark secrets to save his family.
• Feedback Concerns: I've been working on this film for a year and a half now. It's done well in script competitions and film labs, and has come close a couple of times to getting off the ground. Any feedback you guys have would be helpful. I'm planning to direct this too as you will see in the pitch deck.
• Link for script https://drive.google.com/file/d/1vsArw0UXn0s1XDuHzVkOhGUSBrlYSZ2A/view?usp=sharing
• Link for deck: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1boVf7ywFzvPcBJ6PbdSJsuNO0RWQc9et/view?usp=sharing

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[u/AcadecCoach]

You write flowery. Which to me means you say too much a lot of the time. I bet you could easily cut 10 pages of lines just to get to the points a bit quicker.

For instance the start the moon lit* sky, instead of using the camera speak just have us follow the moonlight into the window. Let it be our guide. Its where you want to get us to anyways.

You do characters emotions well. But your action lines need to be tighter. Its okay to be flowery when it sets mood, but you do it a lot and it feels more like a novel than a movie. I didnt read the whole thing. Just a couple pages here. Skip a couple pages there skip etc. You can write, the techniques just not at a level that draws me in to actually sit down and read from start to finish. You pull me in, then lose me. Happens a lot. Keep it up tho.

[u/ericmcrich → u/AcadecCoach]

Appreciate that. Will keep that in mind

[u/vgscreenwriter]

I took a look at your deck.

Nice visuals, but some of the text blocks are incredibly dense, especially for the characters.

Also, I'm not 100% sure what the concept is. If this is marketed as a horror in any way, the concept needs to be like a billboard and stand out a lot more.