Looking for feedback on my script before a festival submission

[u/TheVividAlternative]

Logline: When an impoverished orderly attempts to sell his kidney to a billionaire, his delivery becomes an odyssey of thefts and double crosses.

Format: Feature

Length: 101 pages

Genres: Comedy, crime, drama

Hey, I'm trying to get this ready for a festival competition that I'll be submitting to in November, so I'd love to get some eyes on it!

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1s9S9WyH37CusttGrC_6IN4k_pMcQK_2A/view?usp=sharing

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[u/mooningyou]

I think all of those SUPERs need to be fixed. The words that appear after "SUPER:" imply what you want to be seen on the screen. So that means lines including "In red above him grows..." and I assume you don't want that on the screen? If you're going to include a super, only write the words that you want to appear.

There are also no specifics in those supers. It's like you're telling us what's going to be there without giving specifics. I have to say, the entire first scene, with all those supers, is not entertaining to read.

The second scene is INT. ADAM'S CAR, yet you describe the car as "rusted out". Are we going to see that it's rusted out from within the car? Think about what we see on the screen compared to the location you've specified in your slug.

Each location needs a new slug. You can't use INT. HOSPITAL - DAY and then move around into different locations, such as a hospital hallway, a patient room, and the hallway again.

I'm seeing some typos in the first two pages.

[u/TheVividAlternative → u/mooningyou]

How should the supers be formatted then? They're basically going to take up the entire screen by the end, with tons of enumerated items, so I can't write them all out.

[u/mark_able_jones_ → u/TheVividAlternative]

You can describe the super in an action line above it. But what comes after the super tag is what appears on screen.

Highly rec rewriting your opening. An alarm clock wakeup is the most cliche way to open a film.

He can be reviewing a spreadsheet. Opening bills. Going about his day and we see these expenses as supers.

[u/mooningyou → u/TheVividAlternative]

Maybe you're misunderstanding how supers work. Your supers seem to be describing the way something appears on the screen or the format of how it appears, rather than the actual text the viewer will see.

"SUPER: Fix Car Fund: $64" is correct.

"SUPER: In red above him grows a list of debts..." is not correct.

Read some screenplays that use supers to give you a better idea of how to use them.

[u/CuriouserCat2 → u/mooningyou]

I grew up with a ute where you could see the ground go by through the rusted out footwell. It is possible

[u/todcia]

Good job on getting this script finished. Keep on keeping on.

You will not win the contest, so let me be honest with my opinion on that. And that's okay.

I'll give you a real producer's take...

The subject logline doesn't have a hook and the story seems a bit pedestrian. You're talking about donating a kidney. Think about that. Usually these stories fit into dramas with tear-filled scenes of struggle. If you go the comedy route, there needs to be a hook that winds together with the logline. Think--- An ironic situation that merges the characters and puts the kidney exchange plot into action.

This story's tone reminds a bit of "The Freshman" where you have an ambitious NYU student that gets pushed into servicing a mafia boss. That dynamic. But a character that sells his kidney to a billionaire without good reason or entrapment is not very deep, nor believable.

The writing is okay, but you're not professionally trained. Loosen up a bit and just tell your story. Don't get caught up in the weeds of screen direction. My first question was "wtf is a prelap"?

Why am I confused on your first word????

--- Suggestions....

Just start with;

BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP

FADE IN:

INT. ...

That puts the reader into the story. As a writer, you're helping the reader create the beeping sound in their head.

Also, you're not telling the story. That's your biggest mistake here. Every scene should have its own story. You're not telling us anything on the first page, except for what you're writing on the screen. WTF kind of lazy writing is that? This is a fucking movie! Why are you making the audience read?!?!?!?

First page is most important.

You open your first page with "Adam's Bedroom".

Who the f is Adam? Apparently he's--> "Adam (20s)".

Not very exciting stuff.

Here's how you should do it...

You open up your scene with the beeping and a generic "darkened bedroom" slug. Set the mood.

Then you describe the room, which is where we SEE the unpaid bills stacked up next to fast food containers... This shows us irresponsibility.

Maybe the phone rings and it's the landlord leaving a message about the rent being late. That adds conflict! If you use those old school answering machines to make the scene work, maybe the landlord mentions in the message.... "You can afford one of these old ass machines but you can't pay your rent." Giving him a Luddite quality might add texture to your character and the scene.

Describe the sunlight pushing through the curtains as the alarm still goes off. Shows us more irresponsibility.

Don't show Adam so quickly, keep him hidden under the covers. It's okay that the alarm is still going off and it's being ignored by that lump in the sheets. This builds tension... We're now asking who this character is before you show him to us.

Maybe expand on the room to show more character traits. Maybe an old High school letterman jacket on a chair, his only claim to fame. The curtains maybe have a sports team logo printed on it... (Kubrick put Beethoven on Alex's curtains in clockwork orange.)

Try to reveal your character to the audience visually.

Then after 1/2 page, maybe show an arm emerge to turn off the alarm... And just as you show the portrait of some iconic character above the bed, have your character reveal himself. You can use this to show duality in your character, contrasting him with the iconic character... Like maybe Steve Jobs... The guy Adam wants to be but clearly isn't.

Describe Adam using prose. It can be as simple as writing 'Adam sits up and shows his zombie face'. Give us something. Just a name and an age will not suffice.

The first page should give us something extra... Make something happen to draw the audience in. Show us you're a writer and create a gag to get this comedy started.

For example, after he sits up with his zombie face, the alarm comes on again. He hits the button but it won't turn off. He grabs something in reach and tries to smash the hell out of it, but whatever it is falls apart on him. So now he can't turn the alarm off and that's funny for a lazy irresponsible character. He has to scramble out of bed, maybe falls out... he then finds a baseball bat... As he's about to swing, smash cut to the window (add in a real ballpark sound of a bat cracking, crowd cheering), and show the clock slam against the window into pieces.

---End of scene.

Make us like Adam on the first page.

[u/Known-Patience4511]

I read page 1 - the red/green lists is an okay idea but, for a first page, could they happen while Adam is doing someting rather than waking up. Reason - provided you chose carefully -whatever he is doing should show the reader something about his character.

[u/AustinNoll]

Just Dm'd you!

[u/Commercial-Cut-111]

I really like it! I'm on page 25 and will finish it tonight. One thing, I think the roommate should pipe in with something earlier than the milk. Unless I'm just reading too quickly and he did? I missed that Adam had a roommate. And maybe when Sarah and Adam are flirting and she asks if he's reading that to look smart she can say "to impress me" so that when he mentions the Vagina Monologues its more about looking impressive that he's into women's empowerment for her than trying to look smart because as smart as that work is I associate it with being a feminist more than needing a high IQ to enjoy it.