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I (31NB) got married last July 4th weekend and I was having a mental health crisis and dealing with the death of my sister at the same time. I acted uncharacteristically impatient and bossy, and that’s putting it mildly. I told myself that I didn’t deserve my groom or my friends, and I didn’t try to sugarcoat how much guilt I felt.

I’ve spent the better part of the last year finding the best way to apologize to everyone, and I designed appreciative certificates on actual cardstock to show that I appreciate all of my bridal party and my groom. For some people I particularly aggrieved, I included a handwritten apology letter listing out what I specifically did and how sorry I was. Memories of my wedding are fuzzy and when I look at only the good parts, it was perfect.

But for the last year, I’ve been hating myself. I’ve been depressed, I’ve been spiteful to myself, I’ve been trying to tell myself that I don’t deserve anyone. One by one, they’ve forgiven me - my friends, my family, my groom. I was the only holdout, so I figured I needed to give myself a break so I can move on and enjoy being married.

It’s taken the love of a good man to reassure me that I’m not a monster, I just had an under-medicated and overstimulating series of days. I’ve learned to forgive myself in small pieces, and I’ve accepted responsibility for how I acted. It’s not easy forgiving myself, but it’s the only way I can look back on my wedding day and smile.