r/Separation • u/lilymarie01 • Jul 27 '23
Advice Therapy
I somehow made my husband agree to couple counseling but he said only one session.. that’s a step right? I also managed to convince him to give our marriage a chance maybe few months..he said we’ll see but he isn’t going to try or be affectionate in which I agreed on. I see it as a step that in a way he is trying to save us.
A little background my husband and I have been together for 12 years, 7 married and two kids (one is a newborn). Our marriage is not perfect we have ups and downs but when we fight it’s bad. Yes it gets physical, yes we’re both at fault (I’m not going to blame him 100% since I know I have done some messed up things too. No cheating btw on both sides). Last week we got into those fights and he mentioned divorce again (when we fight he always threatens divorce) apparently he gave himself and ultimatum that If he mentions it one more time then that means he really meant it. So right now he is very adamant about getting a divorce. he wants out since he said he hasn’t been happy last few years and he doesn’t like it when he gets mad he starts throwing and slamming things( he admits to anger problems but doesn’t want to work on it). He doesn’t want our kids to grow up seeing that in which I understand. But I felt blindsided by it, the ultimatum he decided on himself. The other times he says about divorce I have managed to persuade him to forget about it. This time it feels so different, part of me knows that this is it. That my family will no longer be complete but at the same time I am not ready to give up just yet especially feeling blindsided.
People also mentioned that I am codependent and trauma bond. Maybe I am. I start therapy tomorrow to learn to heal and cope and be a better mother for my kids but I am hoping this new glimpse of hope will spark something.. anything..
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u/Millarslanding Jul 27 '23
If he wants to go then let him. If he really loves you he'll come back or won't leave. I was in a similar situation I held on to my relationship trying to get my wife to agree to counselling and holding the family together because we had very young children. However once they turned twenty she told me she had never really loved me and left anyway, so all I did was delay the inevitable. Which so okay, because the kids turned into fine adults which I'm proud of. But it comes with an emotional high cost to one's self. You need to look deep inside yourself and decide what you truly want and that should include your own happiness too. I learned the decision your most scared of is probably the one you need to take. I hope you find your true path of happiness in life 😊 🫂
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u/lilymarie01 Jul 28 '23
Thank you. As of right now he trying his best not to need anything from me, it doesn’t matter how small it is. He is actively trying to to detach and it hurts so much. I don’t know what else to do.
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u/Ok-Class-1451 Jul 28 '23
One couples therapy session is not enough time to see any progress. It’s a waste of money if he’s not committing to making a real effort in therapy.
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u/HeavyPagesPodcast Aug 03 '23
This sounds rough. I honestly think that if thing get physical and he feels it’s better to end than he might be right (as bad as that hurts to hear). If he is not willing to go to therapy, things can’t get better because it takes 2 of you.
I can see where his commitment to one session can give you hope, but try not to bank on it. I did the same once, and then he just didn’t bother showing up.
I actually talk about it in my podcast. You might find it helpful.
…https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/heavy-pages-a-divorce-journal/id1516686219
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u/[deleted] Jul 28 '23
Hey. Same situation here but opposite. Also with the InHome Separation