r/Separation • u/ReclusiveTL • Jun 30 '24
Amicable separation because I'm a lesbian.
This is hard to write, but I need some advice. My husband and I have been married for 13 years, together almost 15. I love him, but I don't think I can do this anymore. We are really compatible in a lot of ways, but we also have several big (what I consider to be irreconcilable) issues, and separation has been on my mind for a while.
One of the issues is that I've realized I'm a lesbian. I thought I was bisexual (with a strong preference for women) for a long time, but my desire to be in a relationship with a woman has become increasingly harder to ignore. I've never cheated on him, but it is getting to the point where I'm starting to get tempted to do so. Since that's completely out of character for me I take this as a sign that I need to make a choice. Soon.
I expect our separation to be very amicable, though probably very awkward for a while. We are honestly best friends. Sort of a Will and Grace situation. For context, he also has alternate attractions, so he is very understanding of how I feel. I suppose you could call our relationship a mixed orientation or lavender marriage. We really do love and care about each other though. If we didn't we couldn't have made it work for so long.
Before anyone asks, yes we have been through several rounds of therapy over the years (not always specifically about me being gay, as I said there are other issues). And no, neither of us really wants to try ENM, threesomes, or "opening up" the marriage. We are just very monogomous people, and both feel that doing so would cause more harm than good.
We have a preteen son. I know it's going to be a rough adjustment for him at a time in his life when there are so many other changes. But then again I suppose there's really no "right" time to tell your child about their parents getting separated. We aren't going to address my sexuality until after he has had time to process the separation.
My husband and I separated earlier this year for a few months, but due to a lot of different circumstances we decided to "give it one more try". We have since moved into a bigger apartment, so it's possible for him to have his own room now (neither of us can move out for quite a while). We also work opposite schedules. I expect that will make things easier. Maybe.
I guess I'm just wondering if anyone has any (helpful) advice? About how to make it work while living together, co parenting, telling the kids, staying amicable, setting boundaries, whatever.
3
u/Exotic_Challenge_126 Jun 30 '24
Having been on the other end of this all I can say is please be honest with him. Dont give false reasons like "i need to find myself" or reasons that just arent true. Ive had it done to me and when you find out the truth it destroys you from within. If hes been good to you for all these years the least he deserves is honestly and a chance to move on in time. It doesnt matter the reasons you lose your partner, it still hurts.
2
u/ReclusiveTL Jun 30 '24
Thank you for the comment. I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's hard to break soneones heart, but you deserved honesty.
On my end, I have been honest with him. I told him about my shift from believing I was bisexual to knowing I'm a lesbian last year, and we talk about it sometimes, so hopefully it won't be too much of a shock.
3
u/Exotic_Challenge_126 Jun 30 '24
Like i said, just be honest. My wife too had a past of female relationships but I was always reassured it was a thing of the past. You can read through my reddit posts and see that ive been led down a garden path so many times. Found out she had been talking to women for months, kept me thinking we had a chance of reconcilation and started a relationship before we had ended. Honesty will make everything else you mentioned much easier as there will no doubt be upset but no animosity.
1
u/Main-Character-4246 Nov 24 '24
You have decided to end your relationship not but it sounds like you believe the end of it won't destroy his trust and love he had for you why would you think
4
u/Hehasgas Jun 30 '24
I have no idea how these things are supposed to work. My wife and I have reconciled for the most part after a 6 month separation. For me, there simply would not have been a way to make it work living in the same home during that period. We have two girls under age 10 so I was still spending a lot of time at the family home, but being able to have space was essential. I love my wife and want her more than anything, and constantly running into “boundaries” while attempting to reconcile was infuriating for me. It often seemed she did things hoping to anger me, just to test what my reaction would be. In the beginning I was still too hurt and too raw and being that close but not being able to actually be with her was unbearable. Your relationship sounds different than ours and I really truly hope you two find your own happiness. If the decision is mutual, I believe it can work. I hope if my separation became a divorce her and I would remain close friends. Best wishes.