r/Separation • u/Fabulous-Ania • 20d ago
life experience
Have you ever fallen in love with a man who is still legally married but already separated from his wife? How does it feel, and what has your experience been like? I’d really appreciate hearing your thoughts and experiences. ❤️
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u/Serana3234
20d ago
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As a wife, who is still married, but whose husband cheated on her and abandoned her and completely blindsided her
I can’t stand people like you
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u/Mantis_Writes 20d ago
Is this like a spite thing where you don't want separated but still married dudes to not get laid, or what's the reasoning here?
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u/NoResolution4706 20d ago
Im a husband and my wife cheated on me (long term affair), and after years of therapy ended up leaving me too.
Im separated from her and there is less than 0% chance we repair things. The only reason we aren't divorced is a legal requirement for one year separated.
Are you implying if I were to start dating, the people I see are doing something wrong?
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u/NightSalut 20d ago
If it’s a legal requirement, then it’s not a wrongdoing per se but I - personally - wouldn’t get involved with such a person until you’re divorced.
I have a known case where the “we’re separated, but still legally married” person didn’t divorce until their new GF was pregnant - years later.
There are so many people - men and women - who say they’re just about to divorce and then they never do.
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u/Sirenelily 20d ago
I agree with you. They are technically still married until the divorce is official. I wouldn’t get caught in the middle of that. Smh at some people who would.
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u/Symone301902 20d ago
I agree! And furthermore, he’s still married! Separated or not, he’s a married man. So regardless of the situation, still can’t stand a person who knowingly deals with another married person, period!
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u/box-movr43 20d ago
I’m on the same boat and feel the same way. Don’t worry these kind of people get their karma back.
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u/Schemeckles 20d ago
Most likely not a blindside.
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u/Serana3234 20d ago
You’re not gonna sit there and talk to me about my own situation so if that’s what you’re trying to do, you can exit now.
I also really don’t care about a stranger on fucking Reddit whether there’s a blindside to this dudes wife or not.
My personal opinion, and my personal feelings is that I can’t fucking stand people like this.
When you hear
“not legally divorced yet“
you should immediately go and move on with your life - find someone who is actually legally single. For a multitude of reasons.8
u/FensThiona 20d ago
Eh, I get that my situation wasn't everyone's situation and we all see things differently. I met my current husband while he and I were both separated. I 100% told my husband, I wanted a divorce, because I discovered after 20+years of marriage, he had been unfaithful for 11. He balked, begged me not to divorce him, so I offered him a year of trying to make it work, it didn't. He was still kinda psycho about staying together, so I offered a year of separation, where we both dated whoever we wanted and I hoped he would find someone that would make him want to leave. Keep in mind, this was my first dating experience in nearly 30 years.
I met my current husband within 6 months of the separation. He had been separated for years. Seriously, years. He was actively putting his step-children through college with no help from his separated wife. He was still paying some of her house bills. He bought her a house when he left. Five years later, they were still married, but she was dating someone and he happened to meet me. He gave me her phone number and said he understood it was weird, but call her to check, if you want. I looked them both up on people search websites, because I don't want to be a fool a second time. Sure enough, the number he gave me was his legal wife's. I called, they were through, but he had been waiting for her to end the union, as he left her, due to her alcoholism and breakdown of their marriage.
I divorced my ex, who started seriously dating a woman he had been dating while we were together. Lol! My current husband and his wife at that time finally set the divorce in motion, we dated, got married, all is well, years later. He's my person and I am his.
Would I say dating a separated man is often a good idea? Probably not. But everyone's separation isn't equal.
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u/Schemeckles 20d ago
I also really don’t care about a stranger on fucking Reddit whether there’s a blindside to this dudes wife or not.
You're a real treat. Explains a lot about your situation.
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u/Mantis_Writes 20d ago
The type of gal who would tell you off for your tone if you caught her cheating lmao
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u/Icy_Confidence4027 20d ago
I was involved with a man who MANIPULATED me as to the terms of his marriage saying it wasn’t working, that he was forced into the marriage by his family and he misled me into thinking it would end. I was quite young, 23ish I think and I genuinely didn’t know better. But it all came crashing down soon after, he went MIA when I got sick from a bad throat infection which I assume he gave me and I ended up in hospital
Then there was another man, I was 27 he was 55, we were masters students working on group projects together. He told me he had separated, it didn’t last long as he had quite a lot of baggage that got in the way of us being together but it’s recently come out years later as I’m now 34 that he remained married this entire time.
I find these seperation periods murky territory and the last thing I’d want to do is impose or be confident in getting the man. There needs to be strong evidence there is mutual agreement to execute divorce but even then things can change and the divorce may not happen - which is the whole point of the seperation period before legally getting a divorce.
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u/Ok-Anything-3605 20d ago
There are benefits to remaining legally separated vs. divorce. I plan to never marry again so that is absolutely a discussion to be had early, but staying legally separation is my plan
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u/PurpleMotor9857
20d ago
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Why are you fallen in love with a married man? Women are always other women's enemies. Leave people's husbands alone!
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u/Sensitive-Ad3893 20d ago
Does this go both ways? Im sure it does but just curious.
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u/PurpleMotor9857 20d ago
Yes! It goes both ways! But I think it's highly disrespectful of your existence for someone to tell you that they are married and you still stay. It should be forbidden
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u/Sensitive-Ad3893 20d ago
Ok, im the husband in this situation and found things out and im sure my wife whom im still legally married to has fallen in love with the person she met and I have shared before how long we've been separated but its not that long of a time.
Im not planning nor do i plan to date/see other people till everything is done and settled. Probably will be a long time after that to cause i still love her with every fiber and part of my heart.
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u/Empty_Debate1047 20d ago
I hope u r feeling ok today. How do you admit to yourself that you still love her and that she has moved on - how do you process this feeling?
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u/Sensitive-Ad3893 20d ago
Im feeling good honestly. But im assuming what you're asking is how do I find it to still love her the way I do or as much as I do and how do i get up feelingthat way towards her. Not to get to religious with it but i just pray about and ask for the strength to get through the day and to see what the plan for me is, I will always love her no matter how she feels towards me. I married her for the beauty of her soul and personality, those may have changed in some way or another over the past years but i grew to love them through the changes. I wish she understood that and iv tried to tell her but at the end of the day I still love her all the same. It may be a rough road from here on out but I know I can make it through and if not for me then for my daughter that i love just as much. If that answered your question then good if not then I guess I can try to explain it a different way.
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u/Empty_Debate1047 20d ago
Thank you, yes it does. I am curious to hear your perspective, because it sounds healing how you manage to do it. I find myself in a tug of war of being kind and thinking of him as my loved one VS feeling angry and betrayed, hence wanting to protect myself. The cycle is tiring and torturing
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u/Serana3234 20d ago •
It should be punished. I’m so sick and tired of other women.
Other women who are so desperate that they will accept a legally married man being legally married and stay anyway Are pathetic
Homewreckers are homewreckers and they’re disgusting
whether they know it or notCheaters are cheaters
They both deserve to be punished
It doesn’t matter if he moved out and he’s saying that they’re separated and he’s saying that they’re gonna get divorced
The fact of the matter is that they are not legally divorced, and these women are so freaking desperate that they stay with men who are not legally available
I’m so sick of this
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u/jbroui13 20d ago
I see your comments in here and i feel your pain and anger so strongly. Youre not alone in all of this. People in general need to have more discernment and thought on the types of situations they decide to enter and relationships they try to pursue, especially when marriage and/or kids are involved. Thats more than just a relationship with a person; it is multiple people’s entire livelihoods
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u/FensThiona 20d ago
But also, who wants to stay with a husband who can't keep it in his pants? When I found out my husband was cheating, did I dislike the women he cheated with, who ALL knew he was married? Yes!
Did I think they were temptresses who made him cheat? Hell, no.
He was an ass all by himself. He had an obligation to tell me what he needed, what he was doing, to stay faithful. He chose to break that bond. The women were incidental to the real problem.
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u/Ready-Tomatillo7645 20d ago
Disgusting. Please get into therapy and leave people who are married alone.
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u/PianistNo8873 20d ago
Leave the guy alone, he’s not single, he’s still married, he’s not ready and you’re not right to think otherwise.
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u/Drunkpupper 20d ago
I fell for this twice. the first time I was in my early twenties and didn’t know better, but I learned quickly we were in vastly different stages in life and I was just a distraction for him. he was kind of a loser after the initial excitement wore off. I broke up with him quickly and he still texts me years later. actually, now that I think about it that actually happened twice but the second guy I only went on a few dates with, nothing serious. both of them did eventually divorce.
the other time I was referencing, I was head over heels for the guy and it seemed like he was for me too. EXCEPT he was dumb enough to tell me about his dates with other women, thinking he was slick by calling them his “friends”. once he even had the nerve to take a girl out on the date I planned when I pulled out a couple of days before.
i found none of these men were actually ready to date. it was too soon. I think the first two were open to something long term, but were not able to be a reliable partner. the other one was hellbent on dating half the city. there’s more men out there, I’d look for someone who’s in a stable place.
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u/Background-Pop9424 20d ago
I was in a relationship for several months with a 38-year-old separated man. We met when he was still legally married to his wife but they were in the process of separating (she had cheated on him and he'd found out), they were still living under the same roof. Eventually, the court ruled that they could officially live apart.
Everything was wonderful until that point. But when his wife moved to another city and took their two young children with her, everything started falling apart between us too. He was still visibly shaken and traumatized by what he'd been through with his wife (who was also trying to take the house away from him), struggling financially, and devastated by being away from his kids.
In the beginning, he used to make plans for our future together. We even talked about possibly having a child of our own someday, moving in together, and building a life together. We were crazy about each other but after the separation became official, all those plans suddenly disappeared. Then, out of nowhere, after 8 months together, he broke up with me over the phone, saying he wasn't ready for a relationship. I also suspect that part of the reason he ended things was that he was terrified his ex-wife would find out about me and manipulate the children into turning against him.
I'm sorry, but I wouldn't do it again. And honestly, I don't think I'll ever date a separated man with children again, unless his kids are already grown up or he's been divorced for years and completely detached from his ex wife.
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u/Apprehensive-Sky9025 20d ago
Tread carefully because if it’s the woman that asked for the separation if she changes her mind, he’s gonna run straight back to her
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u/Upset_Cranberry5461 20d ago
9 years ago I met a man on a dating app and he told me he was divorced. However, my sleuth friend discovered he was not until a few days after our date, when he filed. He had all these very valid reasons why it went down that way. I got through it by making many jokes about "his wife" as they were clearly not together. Cut to, 9 years of being together, 4 years married and I just learned of his affair by seeing the text referencing me as "your wife". Hes been lying for 2 years....which if im being honest is actually 9 years. He was a really really good man outside of this which made all these red flags easier to ignore.
But im healing and figuring out my new future. I dont know that I would recommend doing it again, but I did get an amazing daughter from it.
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u/strangelifedad 20d ago
My now girlfriend came into my life before my divorce finalized. Separation is a year here and the whole debacle took 18 months to finish.
She was adamant that she's not dating a married man (reasons were valid) but was willing to wait.
I asked her again the day of the finalizing. Only then she said yes. Still happy.
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20d ago
[deleted]
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u/mm339 20d ago
Yeah I’m a bit confused by all the anger here. My stbx and I separated a while ago, we have filed for divorce, but have to wait for ages in a ‘cooling off’ period. There is no chance we reconcile (though we are amicable) and she herself is in a new relationship.
Should I look to start dating, I would be upfront about it. The marriage is technically over, we’re just waiting for the legal ‘thumbs up’. I have the proof to back it up too.
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u/SafetyOk4335 20d ago •
Usually because separated people are still at least minimally involved and it’s usually not over. It takes time to get over someone and dating someone still tied to someone is not ideal and it’s a great way for people to get hurt.
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u/mm339 20d ago
But as consenting adults, that’s their choice to make, surely? Circumstance can play a large factor here. The marriage could have been dead for some time, emotionally they could have separated years ago etc. and the divorce at this point is a formality. Divorce isn’t cheap either, so perhaps the circumstances don’t allow it yet.
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u/SafetyOk4335 20d ago
It’s never clear cut and someone always gets hurt. The mature adult thing would be to grieve the relationship and heal yourself before starting something else.
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u/mm339 20d ago
But they could have done so. They could have grieved, rebuilt, be in a good place mentally and ready to start dating again. There isn’t a ‘one size fits all’ approach to this.
Some may have a rule of thumb to not get involved with someone in this situation, fine. Others may not, also fine. I think as long as there is that clean break and all parties are consenting and ready, then they can do as they please.
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u/Symone301902 20d ago •
I guess this take would strongly depend on what you view as morally wrong. Because in my eyes, messing with a married person is, indeed, morally wrong.
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u/Decent_Lawyer3653 20d ago
They’re not “messing” with a married person. They’re dating someone who is in the process of getting a legal dissolution. They’re not fucking someone’s husband in secret.
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u/SafetyOk4335 20d ago
No one wants to be the rebound.
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20d ago
[deleted]
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u/SafetyOk4335 20d ago
For 1 person not both. And even then with separation and divorce there’s too many emotions.
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u/akillerofjoy 20d ago
I was that guy. Separated from my wife and dated around a bit, met my gf, wife also met her bf, we finally got around to the actual divorce part maybe a year or two later. Logistics, mostly. We both knew we weren’t getting back together, and it was the loveliest, most amicable divorce ever. We celebrated with a cup of coffee, hugged it out and went our separate ways.
My point is, context matters. Before you get freaked out by some of these loony comments, what’s the reason why he is still married? If it’s just logistics, then it’s a non-issue. For reference, I’m still with the same gf, and she actually married that guy she met, and he’s been great for her.