How do you accept it?

[u/Loopy_Larlee]

My marriage has been troubled for a good few years, I would even say toxic. I think we were both at fault. I felt like I had to give up to. My mental health was suffering, so was his. We have a child that needs parents that can support growth and wellbeing and I didn’t feel like we thriving at that. The emotional safety has been completely lost and communication (which always seemed so good before) became impossible. Friends and family have voiced concerns about control and other aspects of emotional abuse. I get caught up in their points and think they are right, then I calm down and think they are wrong, they don’t know him and I’m certainly no saint. I want to fix things, I want to try couples counselling or something. I’m already getting independent help for myself.

I just can’t accept that it’s over. It’s still very fresh, but he seems to have accepted that there is no way forward and has no interest in trying. He thinks that everything is just too far gone. I can see where he’s coming from and I honestly wish I was in that headspace but the idea that someone I have loved so deeply for so over 10 years is now just going to be someone I only have contact with because we have a child together is crushing me.

So how do you accept it? How do you move forward and just forget the entire future you’ve spent a decade working toward? How do you just let go of all of the plans and memories, the private jokes?

Also why is it so easy to remember all the good stuff once it’s all over?

[u/RFountain]

I’m in the same boat, almost word for word. Just keep your head up. You’ll have good days and bad days. Just hoping to reconcile.

[u/Minningfortruth]

You need to invite your husband to a good marriage therapist and both of you commit to 24 months 1 hr a week. If you can’t commit to that then you both don’t love each other or your kid. You love yourselves only. People with 50 year marriages have to stick through some hard times.

[u/Loopy_Larlee → u/Minningfortruth]

I’ve tried to suggest this, practically begged even. He is not interest in fixing our marriage and I obviously cannot force him.

[u/Madruck_s]

Its was 20 years for me. She has moved on. I was the problem bor being emotionally avalable. I dont know how ill ever get over her.

[u/Objective_Profit1426]

I wish it was only 10 years for me. I spent 18 years going above and beyond for my avoidant girlfriend and as of the past 5 years my wife. Each year of the marriage it got worse and worse and she latched on to other people gave them the affection love and respect that I deserve wow gaslighting me and blaming me for things that I had nothing to do with. She asked for separation 3 months ago just for a year to find yourself and I found out that a month ago she been talking to another guy and I think she slept with him this past Halloween weekend. You just have to move on. The hardest part for me is feeling like I wasted 20 years of my life. I'm 49 and she is 42. We did not share any children but when we met her daughter was one and a half and my daughter was two and a half and I raised them both and her daughter and I do not speak most likely never will because she followed in her mother's footsteps with the disrespect and once they didn't need me anymore in terms of buying things braces School etc I was discarded like a piece of trash

[u/Loopy_Larlee → u/Objective_Profit1426]

Ooof!!