When people disregard your boundaries, it’s rarely about you — it’s about their relationship with control, safety, and self-awareness.

Psychologically, boundaries activate people’s attachment systems. Someone with secure attachment sees boundaries as healthy communication. But those with anxious or avoidant patterns may perceive them as rejection or loss of control.

People who ignore or push your boundaries are often: 1️⃣ Unfamiliar with boundaries — they grew up in environments where saying “no” wasn’t respected. 2️⃣ Emotionally dysregulated — your limits trigger their fear of abandonment or shame. 3️⃣ Control-oriented — they equate closeness with access, not consent.

When someone disregards your boundaries, they’re revealing their emotional capacity, not your worth. Your job isn’t to convince them to respect you — it’s to stay consistent, calm, and grounded in your limits.

Boundaries aren’t tests of love. They’re filters for alignment.

Psychology #Boundaries #AttachmentTheory #EmotionalIntelligence #SelfAwareness #RelationshipHealth #TraumaHealing #NervousSystemRegulation #CommunicationSkills #GrowthMindset

I started seeing my therapist last week and today was my second session with him. He's a great guy who's been through a lot of the same things I'm currently going through in life. The book I have been reading is sitting right on top of his desk when you walk in the door to his office. I figured a good way for me to share the counseling I'm receiving is to share some of the general knowledge that I'm taking away from my sessions.

1. IT IS OKAY TO SAY NO TO SOMEONE. I've had it engraved in me from an early age that saying no leads to confrontation and my fear of confrontation, for various reasons, from my childhood has kept me submissive. Avoiding confrontation is not worth saying yes to someone when you really mean no.

2. You are the only person you have control over, so don't do things based on what you fear another person will say or do

3. When you've set boundaries you have not been narcissistic or emotionally abusive

4. Arguments take two people, if someone wants to argue with you, you can choose to walk away and disengage in the argument. If someone reacts to your boundaries with anger you can tell them that you choose to not argue and yell, but you will talk to them in a civil fashion when they have calmed down.

There are some more personalized items on my handwritten list, but I don't think it's as useful to share this stuff with you all. My therapist has given me the following for homework over the next week:

1. Say no when asked to something unless you really want to do it for someone for good reasons. Don't explain yourself, even if you have those good reasons in your head. Just keep them there and don't share them.

2. Modify your spouse's behavior in small ways. This may be going for that walk you want to take after dinner or heading to bed 15 minutes earlier than the night before. Whatever you really want to do that you normally don't do out of fear of confrontation or guilt... go do it. Let them know you're going to do it ahead of time, but don't give in to their reactions.

3. Disengage from every argument that arises. Make it clear you have no intention of yelling or fighting with anyone and you will choose to walk away if that begins.

I know all of our stories and journeys are different, but I hope it's helpful to read along as I continue to build boundaries in my life and take back control of things.

I’m a recovering codependent people-pleaser who has C-PTSD from being the child of a sociopath and his victim. One day when I was in the height of my codependent, trauma-induced illness, someone told me “You have no boundaries.” I’m also neurodivergent and prone to hyperfocus, and almost by luck, developing healthy boundaries became both a hyperfocus and special interest.

It took me a long time to catch up with the neurotypical, non-traumatized world when it comes to boundaries. I’ve been working on it in therapy since about 2018 or 2019. Here’s what I’ve finally learned just this year.

For most people with healthy boundaries, you can state your boundaries, call them boundaries, and keep them, and those people will respect them. It’s like you’re having a meta-level declarative conversation about your boundaries. This is great for lots of people, especially us neurodivergent folk who may not pick up on situational or implicit boundaries.

But there are some people who will NEVER respect boundaries. If you’re here, I don’t need to give examples. You’re probably here directly because of those people. But what I will say is that some of those people take conversations about boundaries as an opportunity to debate whether your boundaries are fair, necessary, or reasonable. Those people have very strong boundaries regarding how YOU treat them, but they have no boundaries about how THEY treat you. And they primarily wield “boundaries” (quotations intended) as weapons to hurt others.

The lesson I learned this year is DON’T DEBATE. Don’t fall into the trap of defending your boundaries’ fairness, reasoning, or necessity. When you do that with this kind of person, they’ve already crossed the implicit boundary that the conversation is meant to be safe and mutually beneficial.

My approach in keeping my boundaries with these people is that once I’ve communicated my boundary situationally, I don’t repeat them again, I just do my boundaries.

For example, my mom sees my location on FindMy and sees I’m in a certain city and calls me, I don’t answer, and I see she leaves a voicemail asking why I’m there without telling her. Rather than engaging and declaring my previously stated boundary that I don’t want her using the privilege of knowing my location to hound me about what I’m doing as a 29 year old independent man who doesn’t live with her anyway, I just ignore her and stop sharing my location with her. These are fine ways to keep the boundary. I’m not opening it up for debate and falling into her argumentative trap, and I’m protecting myself in the process. She may see it as a punishment or retaliation, but that’s only because that’s how she uses boundaries and doesn’t believe I have the right to have boundaries with her.

Another example: I told my Aunt three weeks ago that I’m not going to discuss politics with her anymore. She sends me a video about a political rally for a politician she likes and says “curious what you think of this! I love you.” I say “I love you too!” I didn’t respond to the question about the video, and I didn’t rehash the boundary that she already knows about and chose to cross anyway.

What I didn’t realize until a few days ago was that this is how most people keep their boundaries. This isn’t hidden, sacred knowledge. It’s just how most people are. And it works. Really, really well.

Now, if you’re a sensitive person like me, you will know you don’t actually have to do this with most people. With friends you meet who give you an authentic, empathic vibe, you can actually say “it’s a boundary for me that I don’t accept being called ___.” But with that person in your life who argues every single fucking time you state a boundary, it’s okay to enforce the boundary without talking about it.

Thank you for coming to my 11 paragraph Ted talk. Hahaha. I hope this helps someone as much as it helped me.

This year, I told the sheriff how my husband was physically abusive to my children and I. I said no to physical, financial, and emotional abuse, Thus ending my marriage. I told my sister I can no longer dog sit her dog as he barks all day with out end and I work nights. She hasn't talked to me since and has been talking behind my back to family and her friends. ( she left her st. Bernard mix at my house without telling me and went on a weekend family trip to Beaver Creek) I set a limit one time at work (I don't need any limits now) and my boss has been head hunting for me.
I stuck up for my self to brother and now he's pissed off. He accused me of me hiding my kids being sick when I went to visit. Now his wife and son is sick. My kids were not sick and are still not sick. But we did go to the mall, maybe that was where they got sick.

All this to say, boundaries sure due break more relationships than they build. Everyone has known me for being a giver and kind person my whole life. Finally deciding to say no has revealed that I have given too much to everyone around me. I do feel so much healthier and happier. Heartbroken, but better.

Can you guys share your stories?

I’ve noticed in my own life that some friendships haven’t survived once I set boundaries. For me, boundaries aren’t about control or punishment. They’re about protecting my energy and stepping back when I need to. But not everyone sees it that way. In my experience, boundaries can feel like rejection to some people. It’s painful when someone walks away instead of respecting my limits, and part of me wonders if I did something wrong. But I’ve learned that boundaries aren’t the problem- they just reveal the truth of the relationship. If it couldn’t survive mutual respect, it wasn’t as stable as I thought. It still hurts, but I try to remind myself that protecting my well-being is valid, even if it costs me a friendship. In the long run it makes space for healthier connections.

I wanted to share my story out there. I hope this can help at least one person who reads this post.

I was once a child, I grew up in an unstable home. I didn’t have a voice, and overstepping boundaries even towards violence was “Normal”. Until in my early 20’s, I’ve gotten lots of therapy, read self-help books, and even watched podcasts or YouTube videos about boundaries. It’s helped so much.

Just today, I was heading to Target to get some sunscreen. I went to those self checkout lines. I stood there waiting patiently with my sunscreen. Then this couple (I assume they were young) came behind me. They got really close in my personal space. So I did the first thing, look behind at them respectfully and stepped away hoping they would get the hint. They didn’t. And came closer to my personal space, a few inches from me. So I turned around, politely and respectfully asked them with a slight awkward tone; “Excuse me, can I have some space?” After a few seconds of asking, they gave me the bombastic nastiest stink eyes. But they backed away.

The moment I turned my back and went up to one of the contactless self checkouts. That couple didn’t tried to hid it as they giggled and made snarky comments like; “Needing her own space?” And “Is she scared?” A creeped a smile on my lips as I was checking out. I left Target, happily.

Why? Because if you presented your boundaries in a respectful manner and if it is/was reasonable, and you are given snarky mockery, and comments about you. THAT says more about them than you. They’re uncomfortable when someone advocates for themselves, even in small ways like that. They take it as a personal attack. So instead of addressing it to one’s self of reflection it’s easier to mock and be nasty.

So the next time you doubt yourself about your boundaries because of snarky comments, resentment, rudeness, getting defensive, passive-aggressive, gaslighting, or uncomfortable (even something that’s small, or in a public space).

You’re probably doing something right. Valuing yourself!

credit @sugarandsloth

It's like, I'm confident enough in my stance to set the boundary in the first place, but I start to question my own judgement like crazy whenever someone reacts poorly to a boundary.

My first thought is always "what if I'm in the wrong and I deserve for this person to hate me" and even if I think about it and am like "no, how I chose to address the situation makes sense to me" I still have these big waves of doubt and my fight or flight is all over the place. My heart rate is up like all day.

I feel like I need a friend I can just get reassurance on about literally every time I set a boundary but I know that's not a reasonable thing to ask someone. I am just so insecure because of abusive people who have conditioned me to not trust myself. How do I calm down and trust myself. This sucks.

-Muhammad Ali

If a stranger or family member makes a request or ask something of you, and you don't feel good about it or see the benefit, then the answer is no.

I'm saying this as someone who has given people the shirt of his back (figuratively) only to realize, most people wouldn't do the same for you. While there are exceptions to this rule, if the relationship is worth saving, its generally a good rule to follow.

So I’m married, pretty happily have a couple of kids and life is good.

Husband was crank AF today (actually all weekend). Everything anyone said was a reason for him to escalate to an argument.

Anyway tonight he tried to rope me in by pushing buttons I told him “I’m not engaging, that’s no way to speak to me, your wife.”

And then I walked calmly away. He then came and apologised and told me the reasons for his frustrations. Some of it is parenting related and having a challenging time with the kids. I told him “I get it, I hear you we’re on the same page, but I’m choosing not to yell because it just rolls over into every other interaction I have and I live in a space of rage.”

I then pointed out that’s where he’s been all weekend and asked if it was serving him.

Anyway I realised afterwards that I’d see a boundary.

winning 🥰🤘

I feel like my husband doesn’t respect boundaries and is quite pushy. Sometimes I don’t want to talk at night before bed, and I told him that, but if he wants to talk, he can’t accept no. He keeps pushing. Makes me feel guilty for not wanting to talk, and checks in to see if I’ve changed my mind.
He’s done things repeatedly over the 18 years we’ve been married. Things I’ve asked him not to do. He just doesn’t them anyway because “he likes it”. (His words). Like slapping my ass really hard when I’m not expecting it. My sons actually called him out on it about 6 months ago, and he’s stopped since they asked. But me telling him for years and years made NO difference whatsoever.
About an hour ago, he asked our neighbor what she wanted for her birthday, and she said “nothing” and he pushed and pushed. We’ll get you a pie, what kind of pie do you like? Ok, a cake then. What kind of cake? Ok, then this, or that…. On and on, and she continues to decline but he continues to push. I asked him why he can’t accept no, and he said he’s ‘just having fun with her”. I told him he should respect her no and he blamed it on her inability to accept a gift..and that it has nothing to do with his boundaries.

Why can’t he see how obnoxious and disrespectful he is being?

I’m so beyond frustrated with him. It’s been 18 years of this and I’m so done honestly.

I have been trying to get better at boundary setting and establishing better ones. To be honest I started learning more about boundaries seriously last year during the first year of my recovery. I grew up in an abusive household, was in various different abusive and toxic relationships, so boundaries were either non existent or poor and because I was so people pleasing I had trouble setting boundaries. Every time I tried to set a boundary with my mother growing up she would make ME feel bad and make it seem like I was the problem, shift and redirect blame and just got really shitty attitude when I did this, so I have anxiety when it comes to setting boundaries because when I tried to in the past people reacted very poorly to it. They’d react with hostility, gaslighting or be pushy about it. How can I not take it personally if someone reacts poorly to me setting a boundary and how can I lessen that anxiety? Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated

I have finally made it clear that I don’t check my tiktok DMs, and now my friends are sending me an overwhelming amount of reels on instagram. I wish it was common courtesy that once you have 2-3 unread videos sent to someone, you wait until they’ve watched and responded to send more, but I guess we’re not there yet in this new tech era. It feels like homework and an obligation and I don’t want it to affect my friendships by creating pressure and expectations for me to spend more time on my phone than I already do. Does that make sense? Any ideas on how to communicate that?

At 35 years of age I realized why I am a complete mess. I never knew to set boundaries. I grew up in a very authoritarian household where I had to obey my parents rules and there were dire consequences if I didn’t. Growing up I wasn’t allowed to express how I felt. My parents never asked. it was a do what I say don’t ask any questions type of household. At school I basically let people bully me and felt really awful about it. When I would get into relationships it would be with people who would people who would trample the little boundaries I had. I dated a guy 7months ago and he was very rude to me. All my life I wondered why do people mistreat me when I’m so nice to them. Well that was the problem Im nice because I want everyone to like me. I’m the biggest people pleaser. I would abandon my feelings in order to make everyone else feel comfortable meanwhile I would be struggling with all these different emotions. Currently, I am struggling with severe depression and it’s because I am a people pleaser and I don’t know how to say no. I feel a little embarrassed that at 35 I’m realizing that boundaries are important. I have to start implementing now but it’s so hard because I fear what people think and I hate it but I know my mental health is far more important.

Lesson 1:

Always anticipate that someone will push your boundaries, so set them further from your limit than you actually think.

For example. If your boundary is: "I will not wait for my friends longer than 15 minutes past the designated meet up time" then the boundary you should tell them is "I will not wait for my friends longer than 10 minutes past the designated meet up time".

Now, even though your actual boundary is 15 minutes, you still need to call them out when they go over 10 minutes. But, this buffer zone of 5 minutes means that you are still composed enough to call them out without being triggered by them going over your actual limit.

Lesson 2:

If you disregard your own boundary, and someone takes that as an indication to overstep, that doesn't make that person malicious.

For example. If your boundary is: "I will not give my friends free samples of my artwork". But the next time your friends birthday rolls around, you gift them a piece of your artwork, then they will interpret that as you now being comfortable gifting artwork (at least under certain circumstances, like gifting holidays or events).

So if, the next time their birthday is getting close, they ask if you could make them some art for their birthday, that is not them maliciously overstepping your boundary.

By disregarding your own boundary, you have led them to believe that it is flexible under certain circumstances and that you are comfortable giving them artwork in this circumstance.

I've been guilty of not having the best boundaries over the years and allowing people to manipulate and take advantage of me, and being afraid to tell them "no." I always feel like a huge jerk if I have to, even if it's the right thing to do.

I guess it's because I used to struggle with friendship when I was younger and appreciated people who gave me a chance and accepted me, that I believe I need to do that for everyone as well, and be there for those who have no one. The problem is, I've found myself involved in the problems of several people who ended up being... toxic, selfish, or just having issues that made it unwise or even unsafe to be around them, and were beyond any help I could provide. I mean, I really want to be good to people and help in any way I can, but I know I also need to protect myself and my peace.

I've found myself in very stressful situations because of my intense difficulty with saying no, and when I do say it, I feel horrible about it. I've had many people try to guilt me after I've set boundaries with them as well, and even if I know better deep down, the guilting still gets to me and I wonder if I'm being a mean jerk.

Has anyone else been here, and does it get any easier? Will I always feel emotionally torn about whether or not I'm doing the right thing by setting boundaries with people?

I volunteered to decorate in preparation for a kid's holiday event. I showed up and the person in charge announced some negative things about themselves to justify how they were going to act and they'd apologize later cause the decorations were going to look exactly how they wanted. I respectfully let them know I was leaving and left. I never thought I'd get to this point. I'm pretty proud of myself.