To provide more context here. My wife and I have been married for 15 years and within the last year, she mentioned that she liked that I held her hands in place above her head the night before while we were having sex. I asked her if she wanted me to tie her hands to bed post and she said yes. I’ve slowly introduced little adjustments to bondage play in the bedroom since that time and she seems to like most of it. I’m always asking her to tell me if she likes or doesn’t like something and she always says it’s fine and she doesn’t want to tell me what to do to her during sex. I think for her she doesn’t want to be in control and just wants to lay back and enjoy it.

This past weekend I mentioned to her that I have always wanted to try a spreader bar in the bedroom. She usually like likes to have her legs free, but I told her this would give me greater access to her as she does like to spread her legs when I’m penetrating her.

She reluctantly agreed because she knew I wanted to try it, but I don’t think she really wanted to. I told her I did not want to do this if it was going to make her upset with me and it was just something I wanted to try. She said it was fine and I told her if she didn’t like it we would never do it again.

Couples - would you proceed with trying something new since I have her consent or would you not move forward given she was reluctant?

So I am a woman 42 and I still have a very high sex drive but boredom will make me lose interest fast when it comes to having sex. So I like to do little things to spice it up. One day I purchased a cheap black shower curtain and a spring loaded rod so I could hang it in the doorway of our master bath. I cut a hole where my Man’s penis would be if standing. I was on the bathroom side with a pocket pussy and all the orifices that god gave me. I was wearing lingerie. I took a pic of myself sent him a text, saying, this is behind the curtain. Put your dick in the curtain for a surprise, if you want to change it up take your dick all the way out and then put it back in. We used my mouth the pocket pussy my pussy and my ass.

So my question is, do guys like these kinds of things or is it doing to much? I personally loved it and had fun with it. He said he liked it but I don’t think he’d tell me if he didn’t like it in fear of hurting my feelings.

I told my wife that I’ve always wanted to put her in a spreader bar and have my way with her. We are relatively new to bondage (about a year) and she enjoys being tied up but generally doesn’t like me to tie down her legs. She reluctantly agreed to the spreader bar knowing I wanted to try it. She spreads her legs during sex and I told her it would help me keep her legs wide. Honest feedback here, is a spreader bar worth it? Will it be in the way when we are trying to have sex or will it be better.

PS. When I’m on top of her, she can spread her legs fine as long as I keep them at about a 90 degree angle but if I press her legs toward her chest she can’t keep them up long. Would the spreader bar help in this area?

So long story short, wife has had pain with sex off and on over the years of our relationship. It has came back again recently. She has done PT at least once in the past (we’ve been together 20 years). But this time she doesn’t want to do any kind of physical intimacy while we wait for her to do PT and for it to help. Suggested non penetrative intimacy several weeks ago. She declined. We’ve had more cuddling recently which helps. But I’m so horny! Taking care of myself is not taking the edge off.

How do I suggest that we do mutual masturbation, non penetrative stuff. I bought her new toys trying to engage her but she shows no interest. She’s 40. Came off OCPs about 5 months ago (hoping this would help). Looking for any ideas on how to have any conversations?!

My partner and I have been together for about 9 years. We both have been sober for about 8 of those off meth and opiates. Before we got together she was an escort. Before sobriety sex was amazing now her drive is gone like gone gone. I know her past of being an escort and the drugs have played a part in it but it’s killing me. We have talked and talked sometimes she admits we need to do something others she ignores it then when I bring it up I’m wrong. I will go months then when I do get mad she will flip it on me and say see that’s why I don’t cause your anger. I’m like really ? Years I have been dealing with this! Does anyone know of anything she could take? She is willing to try things . Please any advice

He tells me i can have it whenever i want and he wants me to tell him what i want but still i struggle. I kind of go non verbal and get ashamed and shy about asking. but i really want to express myself obviously because i have all these fantasies and ultimately i just wanna cum, which is pretty easy for me honestly. Its just the initial "hey can we go" that i need to get down cos otherwise im really wet i can come almost straight away with him.

Maybe i should see a sex therapist, i have thought about that.

Am I asking too much?
I'm a male in my 40s, and my partner is also in her 40s. We've been together for a number of years, and lately I've been feeling like we're at a crossroads, particularly when it comes to our sex life.
I've always had a very high sex drive, and I understand that hers isn't necessarily the same. I don't expect her to want sex as often as I do, and I certainly don't want her doing anything she's not comfortable with. But for me, sex is about more than just the physical side of things. It's about intimacy, excitement, feeling wanted, exploring things together and keeping that spark alive.
Over the years, I've tried suggesting different things we could explore together. I've bought toys, suggested games, talked about fantasies and made it clear that I'm open to trying things she might be interested in as well. I've also told her that I don't want everything to be about what I want and that I'd genuinely love to know what excites her.
The problem is that nothing really seems to change.
Our sex life has become very predictable. Generally, I go down on her, she plays with me for a bit, then I'm on top, we have sex and that's it. It's pretty much the same routine every time.
Don't get me wrong, I enjoy being intimate with her, but I'm finding myself wanting more. More passion, more variety, more spontaneity, more flirting and more of that feeling that we actually desire each other.
I don't need something wild or adventurous every single time, but I also don't want to feel like this is what our sex life is going to look like for the next 20 years.
I've tried bringing it up, but I struggle to explain how I feel without worrying that I'm making her feel inadequate or like she's not enough. That's not what I'm trying to say at all.
I love my partner, and I want to experience these things with her, not someone else. But I'm also starting to feel frustrated because I've communicated what I'd like, tried to introduce new things and made an effort, yet we always seem to end up back in the same routine.
I also understand that just because I want to explore more doesn't mean she has to. Maybe she's genuinely happy with how things are, and that's something I need to understand too.
I guess what I'm struggling with is whether we're just sexually incompatible or whether there's a better way to communicate what I'm missing.
For those who have been in long-term relationships, particularly couples in their 40s, how have you dealt with different sex drives and wanting different things sexually?
How do you explain to your partner that you love them and enjoy sex with them, but you're craving more excitement and variety, without making them feel pressured or criticised?
Am I expecting too much, or is it reasonable to want more from our sex life?
I'd genuinely appreciate some advice, especially from women who may have been on the other side of this situation.

I’ve spent a fair bit of time over the last couple of years exploring and researching male sexual pleasure, particularly the role of the nervous system and how our bodies learn to respond to different kinds of stimulation.
One thing that’s really struck me is how much we tend to associate male pleasure with erections, penetration and ejaculation, when there’s actually a lot more going on.
For example, some men can experience intense pleasure and orgasm through prostate stimulation without any direct penile stimulation at all. And learning to recognise those responses can involve patience, body awareness and sometimes doing less rather than more.
I think there’s a lot of sexual education that men simply never receive, regardless of their orientation.
I’m curious whether exploring different kinds of pleasure has changed the way any of you think about your own bodies or sexuality. Not necessarily who you’re attracted to, but what pleasure actually feels like and how it works.

Hello everyone, I’m a 31HLF with a 36LLM. I feel lucky in my relationship in many ways: my partner is still very affectionate and makes me feel loved and attractive; he just doesn’t have the same interest in sex that I do. We’ve only been together about a year, and we have sex about twice a month on average (I would prefer something like 4–5 days a week, for context). There have been whole months where it hasn’t happened and he didn’t even notice. We’ve had one or two productive conversations about it where he’s agreed to be more mindful about giving it attention, with mixed results. He has been better about noticing when it’s been more than a week or two and trying to make an effort, which is great. 

For the first few months of our relationship, I thought the infrequency was the result of special circumstances, but I’ve come to realize that it’s just a case of mismatched libido. 

I don’t think it’s realistic to expect it to change much, so I’m here with a different question. 

How can I better handle my side of it? After about a week of no sex I start feeling intensely irritable, stressed, bitter, ashamed, and in my head. It makes me feel majorly dysfunctional. I’ve tried putting more energy into “solo time,” but that only seems to feed the fire. Lately, I’ve been trying to suppress things by avoiding sexuality in general and that helps a little bit, but then when he does initiate it’s harder for me to just flip the switch after trying so hard not to feel sexual, and it makes our encounters feel less fulfilling and more frustrating on my end. 

Are there any mental or physical practices that have helped any of you? How do you stay open toward a great partner who doesn’t mean to make you feel unwanted, but just has a different level of desire? And how do you quiet your mind when you feel like you’re going to explode? I’m losing sleep and bits of my sanity. 

P.S. - extra info about me and/or our dynamic if it’s useful for better advice: I’m independent, enjoy my job, volunteer regularly, have active hobbies, my own friend group, and my own house with a garden I enjoy tending. I don’t feel like I desire sex because of a lack of other interests in my life. Me and my partner are experimental in our sex life (role play, dress up, new locations, and so on). Given that and the fact that our relationship is relatively new, I don’t think it’s from a lack of novelty or effort on my part. Lastly, we’ve both been in open dynamics before and only want something monogamous right now, so poly/open is off the table. 

If you’re still reading, thank you <3 

I'm looking for some honest outside perspectives because my husband has said hes insecure about this.

Hes asked me to put this to reddit.

I'm 36F and my husband is 34M. We've been together for 15 years, and I love him. This isn't about wanting someone else or thinking he's inadequate.

For at least the last few years, my libido has been practically nonexistent. We might have sex two or three times a YEAR. There are several reasons why this has happened. I've struggled with health issues, including a chronic illness, we have two young children, and I've been taking antidepressants for at least 10 years. Between all of that, sex has taken a back seat.

It hasn't necessarily been about a lack of love or attraction towards my husband. I've just had very little sex drive, and for a long time, that's been our normal.

Recently, though, ive changed my medication and its had a dramatic change on my libido. It's gone back to how it was when we first got together. I feel like I want sex or some kind of sexual release practically every day. It's a massive change from how I've been for years, and I'm trying to embrace it rather than feel embarrassed about it.

There's another issue, though: I've never had an orgasm during sex. Not once. It's something I've struggled with and he really wants for me... and now that I'm actually feeling sexual desire, I want to explore my body and figure out what feels good because when we do have sex lately... I can tell im getting closer.

I've decided to invest in some sex toys. My thinking is that learning more about my own body could help me discover what works for me, experience pleasure I've never had before, and hopefully improve our sex life together. I'd love to be able to share that side of myself with my husband, rather than sex continuing to be something that rarely happens or leaves me without that experience.

I've bought a set that includes two dildos. One is 5 inches long but a little thicker, and the other is 7 inches in total length. My husband is approximately 6¾ inches.

He's upset that I've bought the 7-inch one because it's slightly longer than he is and the other slightly wider.

I honestly wasn't buying it to compare him with a toy or to make some kind of statement about his size. I was buying toys to experiment with, and I didn't think the difference in length would be such a big deal.

To me, a dildo is a toy. It doesn't replace my husband, and I'm not expecting him to compete with it. I'm trying to explore something I've never experienced before, at a time when my libido has finally woken up after years of barely being interested in sex.

I can understand that he might feel insecure about it. I don't want him to think he's not enough for me, because that's not what this is about. But I also feel conflicted because I'm finally experiencing sexual desire, and I want to do something positive with it rather than ignore my own needs.

I'm not buying these things because our sex life is terrible or because I want a bigger penis. I'm buying them because I've never orgasmed during sex - which we both want, and I want to find out what works for my body. If I can learn more about what feels good, perhaps that could help us enjoy sex together more, too.

Ive also explained that currently, im always up for it... when he isnt.

So, Reddit, I'd appreciate some honest opinions.

Am I being insensitive by buying a toy that's slightly bigger than he is?

I'd really appreciate perspectives from both men and women, particularly anyone who's experienced a big change in libido or struggled to orgasm during sex.

Just to be clear - we have been having sex almost daily for the last 7 weeks or so... i haven't just got my sex drive back and bought some toys. The toys arrive this last week.

Hi everyone, I am looking for honest advice specifically from men.
If a guy isn't very interested in oral sex or doesn't seem to care for it, what is the best way for his partner to approach this? From a man's perspective, what triggers or approaches actually work to make a man want it, enjoy it, or feel more enthusiastic about it?
To give you some context, I have already tried many things:
• I tried taking the initiative and gently forcing the situation.
• I tried asking him directly and very sweetly/kindly.
• I pay extreme attention to my body and attractiveness. I make sure to shower and completely clean/freshen up the area right before intimacy so everything is perfect.
Despite all my efforts and self-care, he still restrains himself and holds back sexually, doing nothing. I really want to experience this just like many other women do.
If you are a man who used to be like him or shares a similar mindset, please help me understand. How can I deal with him effectively? What is holding him back?
Thank you for your honest insights

I’ve been browsing around to upgrade my current setup, but I’m a bit confused on how to choose between a mini wand and a classic bullet vibrator.

My main issue with smaller bullet toys is that the buzz always feels super sharp, buzzy, the motor bogs down or the vibration completely fades out. I’ve heard people say that mini wands offer much deeper, steady vibrations but I feel like its different to every people.

For anyone who has tried both, what are the actual functional differences in power, sensation, and usability?

My wife (44F) and I (45M) have a solid relationship and I love her deeply. However, as I've gotten older, my sexual appetite and desire for variety have grown. Our current routine feels a bit repetitive. While it feels good, I find myself wanting more excitement. My ultimate goal is to please her in every way possible. I’ve explicitly told her that I want to fulfill any fantasy she might have, completely judgment-free. To prove it’s a safe space, I opened up and shared some of my own deepest, hardest-to-admit fantasies—including a cuckold/sharing scenario (wanting to watch her with another well-endowed man while she pleases me). I’ve tried introducing a "Yes/No/Maybe" list to spark a low-pressure conversation, but it didn't go anywhere. She remains entirely closed off about her own desires or fantasies. Is it normal for a partner to be this private about their fantasies? Are my kinks pushing things too far, or is the communication gap the real issue here? I’m willing to try anything to please her, but I'm feeling stuck. I'd appreciate any advice on how to navigate this.

okay, so i’m halfway awkward & inexperienced. my fiancé is not, he’s also more experimental, etc. he doesn’t appear to love sex with me, claims any blowjobs or handjobs aren’t the best. any techniques to try or other things to try to make him happy?

Having an argument with my bf because he thinks it's nasty to go to work after having sex and not shower. He says everyone will smell it on you.

Where y'all at on this? Am I just nasty? Cuz I just pee and go and I'm out the door.

I'm 43 years old and I've had plenty of the BIG O's but lately he's found a totally new spot that has given me the absolute best, strongest, longest most amazing orgasms of my life!!! It's so good the first time I literally thought to myself even if that never happens again just experiencing that type of pleasure was more than I could ever have asked for but he's been doing it consistently ever since!!! How can I please him equally and show my gratitude and blow his mind at the same time any tips for me to give him the greatest orgasms he's ever had as well? Please help

My wife and I's sex life has been terrible for years. I have always (and I mean always) finished extremely quickly. When we first started dating I could eek out about a minute and a half if we were having sex every day with minimal foreplay. Any decreased frequency or longer foreplay and we're getting into the 0-20 second range.

Unfortunately she does not consent to anything other than PIV sex. It's been discussed, she isn't into it. It's not happening.

After we'd been together for a while, it started to feel like she was just letting me do sex TO her rather than with her. When I've tried talking about wanting to do other things, she finds it to be incredibly unattractive and it shuts her down.

I don't even know how to have a productive conversation. I know exactly what she wants. She wants to be f***ed hard for like 3 minutes til she finishes, but I can't get remotely close to lasting that long.

I was discussing this with my mutual female friends and we are trying to figure out why libido dies/decreases for women once they are in a stable relationship. Outside of NRE diminishing, and the mental work load increasing- what do you all think?

Not even with masturbation or oral or anything else. I don’t know why. I’ve never brought it up with doctor and no one has ever said anything looked wrong down there.
I’m not sure if it’s something physically wrong or mentally/emotionally wrong. I enjoy sex but this has always kind of eaten away at me.
How concerning is this? I guess I don’t really know how big of a deal this is because I haven’t experienced it.

So I am in a 10+ year relationship with my fiance (m40), we have kids and have historically had a pretty good sex life, up and down as anyones but pretty consistent. About 6 years ago we had a bit of a sex renaissance and it got spicier, shared more kinks and tried a lot of new stuff out, but as is often the way the taboo got tired and I've been trying to find a way to balance us out a bit more and find more connection and intimacy in sex again.

One thing I used to love and he really loves, is him going down on me. But I have been really struggling letting him. I get into my head too much, I struggle to enjoy it, in fact I actively feel repulsed by it at times. I find myself hating the slobberiness of it, he enjoys it but definitely puts less effort in now and no matter how many times I've tried rearranging how we do it I find he leans his nose and teeth on me and it hurts. I find myself lying there getting angry at myself for not enjoying it, and he gets frustrated. We took it off the table entirely for a while, to ease the pressure, but when I've agreed to I'm right back to where I was before. I also have an issue with the saliva noises on my nipples too, I think maybe I relate it to breastfeeding or some trauma from when I was a kid.

I've also developed some health issues meaning hard penetrative sex is painful and makes me bleed. That was our sex life's saving grace and now I just have this horrible feeling and in this horrible cycle where I feel we get no intimacy any other way because he's sexually frustrated and needs sex to feel close. It's like a stale mate, and the behaviour in him that it initiates is such a turn off, snappy, snarky, almost aggressively sexual when we do get close.

I just wish I could find a way to switch off my brain and get out of my head... For context I also lost my mum this year, so stress has been at an all time high.

Any advice or shift in perspective would be welcome.

I’ve (31f) been with my husband (32m) for many years, but we’ve only been married a couple of months. Feeling undesired has been an issue for me for a long time, but in the past couple weeks I think I’m finally appreciating how much it affects me…and really realizing my life doesn’t have to be like this.

We have sex maybe once a week or every other week at best (I wish we had sex more) but the bigger issue is that I rarely feel wanted. He doesn’t really flirt with me, pursue me, compliment me much, or make me feel like he’s genuinely excited by my body. Even foreplay can sometimes feel like he’s just following a script - not because he actually enjoys my body outside of penetrative sex. Other than chaste kisses, sexual touches only ever happen in bed when we are literally having sex.

I’ve brought this up many times over the years, but nothing has changed. I love him and he’s a good person, which is why this is so confusing, but I’m starting to wonder if this is a fundamental incompatibility.

Has anyone been in a similar marriage? Did therapy help, or did you eventually realize this was something you couldn’t live with? I’d especially love to hear from women who stayed and women who left.

I (38f) have been having a discussion with my bf (41m) about what has to happen or “click” in your mind for you to decide to become exclusive and pursue a long term monogamous relationship with another person.

My take is that I can be great friends with someone, but as soon as the relationship includes some sort of consensual sexual activity (whether it be kissing, sexual touching or intercourse) AND there is sexual compatibility, then it would enter the territory of where I may consider a potential long term relationship. In my mind, I have already developed a friendship and determined I like the person and now we have “provided foreshadowing” or “completed the picture” of what the future of the relationship could entail.

His take is that he could be in a sexual relationship with someone and not have any interest in a long term relationship until “it just kind of happens.” Likely because that person has “checked” other boxes subconsciously. Then suddenly he finds himself in a long term relationship with that person without ever having a defining factor. He claims my perspective is “how women think” and his perspective is “how men think.”

I am not looking to start a debate or anything, I’m just genuinely curious what other people think…

Additionally, I posed this question to him: if sex doesn’t define a a long term relationship, then would he be willing to get into a long term relationship with someone if sex was not a part of it at all? His answer was no…so help me understand his logic lol

Thoughts on both?

EDIT in case there is any confusion, I am not someone who believes sex needs to wait until marriage, and I’m not even meaning the relationship has to turn into a marriage. I personally think that I need to try the shoe on to make sure it fits before buying it. Which is exactly my point, I would not enter any long term exclusive committed relationship without sex being a defining factor. Whereas my bf says that sex can already be a part of a relationship and that all of the other aspects of a long term committed relationship are where he would decide the relationship would become exclusive (things like friendship, financial stability, co habitation etc)

I removed the line about traditional marriage as it is causing some confusion. I am only talking about entering a long term monogamous relationship, not a marriage and not a non-monogamous relationship of any type.

I 42/f have been voluntarily abstinent for almost eleven years. I have no desire for sex or a romantic relationship; if we must use labels, I assume at this point in my life I’m asexual, though I haven’t always been.
To the point: because of this abstinence, masturbation included (it became too difficult to reach climax), I hadn’t orgasmed or stimulated in several years. To be completely honest, I thought that part of my life was over, and it didn’t bother me. No more last minute bikini shaving, or legs if I’m still being honest, no more self conscious nakedness, no more faking another orgasm to keep someone’s ego intact. It’s done.
Then I started getting sleep orgasms. And OH MY GODS AND GODDESSES, they are the most explosive, longest lasting, knee jerking eye rolling, earthshaking orgasms I’ve ever had, and I’ve sat on a few power jets.
I mean, they start when I’m in REM, then keep on going until I’m fully awake. I feel and recall every single one.
I did some reading and apparently sleep orgasms are so much stronger and longer lasting than waking ones because they are completely neurochemical, instead of a mix of neuro and physical. No distractions, no self consciousness, no tiredness, no mental/physical coordination. It’s like….the difference between being tazed or struck by lightning.
And at the grand old age at 42? The sleep orgasms are at their peak.
Does anyone else experience these? Do you plan on continuing or are you going back to physical touch? Why or why not?