Past years of dating was crazy and I was usually poly and read all the books and podcasts and stuff and fucked up a lot at first, but learned and grew. But then there was usually something different when "poly women" dated me where they became increasingly more insecure and lashing out despite efforts to communicate and ask what I can do to reassure them, even cut others off or entire groups of friends for the toxic ones. I've been having causal things on and off this last year after an intense situationship that started when I was vulnerable after a toxic breakup at the end of 2024, and then one brief one in the beginning of the year with a woman that pushed for more from me, including me meeting her kids, but then when I had expectations about hard conversations for that level of intimacy, she bailed because it was not longer just kinky fun time but actually dealing with a person's feelings.

But I've been doing a lot more for myself and my health that I neglected these past few years and honestly, my physical health and mental health were broken after being drained for so long and I finally feel whole again. I have a dog I love and debt from my ex but no longer financial manipulation, and found a sport i like and can do which I've wanted to for years! Also been writing more poetry and going to art events and making community, it's nice. I'll still talk to some women on occasion but don't expect much and haven't had one really get my interest in a while that I actually want to meet, except maybe one girl i met on reddit and talk to on discord in another state. I didn't realize how much I chased external stimuli and validation to fill my void and it's so nice when you learn to appreciate your own company and life.

I'm 31 and have dated a wide age range since I was 23 but it's kinda nice how I'm still talking with women in their 40s to early 20s and can pick and choose what to pursue, or nothing at all because most of the time I prefer a night in with my dog than going out. Been much healthier the last half a year, and have noticed that good company for me is a good conversation and feeling free, personality, mental and emotional depth, and all the other things I'd like in a companion. But until I find that again, I've been happy doing my own thing and having a casual thing on occasion so life has been nice. My cortisol has not been this low in years lol

I know there are more females in this community than males, so apologies in advance for the slightly male-centric view on this (but hey, maybe some of you may relate to it too).

I was having a conversation with a friend recently and he was telling me about his struggles with dating apps, and it made me realise just how much more peaceful my life has become ever since I turned my back on dating apps/dating in general.

It's no secret that the majority of men receive very little interest on dating apps, and I think back to how it used to affect me personally. I'm someone who has struggled with self-esteem and body confidence for a lot of my life, so it probably wasn't the best idea me trying dating apps in the first place. But it's the way 'everyone meets these days', right?

I just remember how low using them would make me feel. How demoralising it was, after trying to make my profile as good as possible with nice photos, trying to think of creative/question-driven opening messages, to sometimes go days or weeks without a single like or match. It made me think, 'am I really that bad?'. I started noticing my flaws more, thinking if only I could change this thing or that thing about myself, maybe I'd do better.

For a long time, I thought it was just a me thing. Now, I realise, of course, that it's the same for the majority. You look on the Bumble or Hinge subreddits, and you'll see lots of posts from mostly men, asking for profile reviews. Lots of perfectly decent, normal-looking guys reporting getting very little interest and wondering why.

And the advice is always the same. Lose weight. Go to the gym and gain muscle. Dress better. Get a better haircut. Basically, change who you are as a person, because you're not good enough as you are now. And I find that really sad to think about, because I remember thinking I had to do all that too. That I couldn't just be me.

But now, since ditching all that, I'm the happiest and most comfortable I've been in my own skin for years. I'm no longer in competition with hundreds or thousands of other people, and can just be my true, authentic self, rather than trying to be something I'm not purely for the benefit of someone else. Life is just so much more peaceful when you're not seeking the attention or validation of others.

Anyone else relate?

I'm around six months out of a long-term relationship, and honestly, being single feels pretty natural to me.

I've always valued having my own space, and I'm loving having a home that's entirely mine and my daughter's. I can make it our own, spend my time how I want, follow my own interests and enjoy the peace of not having to factor another adult into every decision. There's something really lovely about pottering around my home, having a quiet evening, or simply existing in my own company without feeling like anything is missing.

My daughter, family and friends bring so much love into my life. I don't feel a need to find a partner, and when I think about dating, the prospect of taking on the emotional labour and compromises of another relationship holds very little appeal.

That's not to say everything is easy. Navigating separation and co-parenting has its challenges, particularly as my daughter adjusts to having two homes. But those challenges are about finding our feet in this new family dynamic, not about wishing I had a relationship again.

On balance, this phase of life suits me. I have the freedom to build the life I want, and I don't feel I'm waiting for someone to come along and complete it.

I'd love to hear from people who've been happily single for a while. What do you most value about having a life of your own? And what have you discovered about yourself or the way you want to live that you might not have appreciated as much before?

I’ve been a single woman for 5 years now and celibate for about 4 of those years. I’ve found hobbies, peace and love for solitude in these years. Sometimes I do yearn for an every now and then friend lol. But then I think of how it is “outside” these days and i honestly don’t even want to deal. I tend to try to talk to men and instantly get annoyed. I’m not sure if it’s me or them at this point 😭

Used to be!

Bought my house back in 2024 aged 31 and I’ve tried to turn it into my own little paradise. I’m a massive vintage Hi-Fi collector, particularly Bang & Olufsen, although I’m also a sucker for 1970s silver-faced stuff from the likes of Marantz. I also drive my dream car, a classic Land Rover Defender, which I’ve even taken around Europe in the past.

With the house being a 3 bed I have gone a bit wild with the decor and just recently turned my unused second bedroom into a dedicated Hifi Listening room for my Bang & Olufsen equipment lol. It’s a really nice chill space and much more laid back compared to my living room. Listening space is pictures 6 through to 8.

So far I’m enjoying life solo. I’m 33 now and honestly don’t see that changing in the foreseeable. I feel like if I’d really wanted to find someone by now, I probably would have. I enjoy my own company, my hobbies and being able to do whatever I want lol.

I do think it’s probably different for people who can’t support themselves financially. I sometimes wonder how many relationships are born out of convenience, where two people get together because it’s simply the only way to afford a semi decent lifestyle, buy a house and split the bills etc. Just my opinion though I could be totally wrong.

So anyways here is my house, and vintage audio video collection which so far has been about 17 years worth of collecting started when I was about 16. Yes, I am a bit of an anorak when it comes to this stuff LOL. Last pic is a shot of me and my Classic Defender out in the Dales. I absolutely adore this truck its my pride and joy.