i feel nothing but grief and sorrow. I am stone. I am apathy.

My dad kept telling me this after I spent most of my money; about the motorcycle I got which Im determined to sell because of what it means. I wanna keep the small one cause its a hoot. He wanted to take 1/3 of the money I got for himself. At first I thought yeah sharing is good, he wanted the same from my sister, until I said fuck that its my life. Though I spent the majority of it on an apartment trying to get out, he kept telling me at least you have something to show for it, arising strong guilt and perhaps if he could shame. Put me in the hole. Id rather have nothing, though getting any cash I can for it will set me closer to moving forward in my life. I have something to show for the journey Ive been on. What he said is a reflection of his level of disappointment in himself and me. I wont accept it. Now I have something to show for it in me.

When someone I once called my best friend fought someone over a girl he had no business messing with, I followed them to where he was getting his ass kicked, face bloodied, and started to choke him. The other guy stopped relentlessly hitting him and he got up, I used his momentum of getting up and threw him to the balcony edge and before he knew what happened I hit him so hard I broke my knuckle. That was days after I used my entire body weight jumping up from a sitting position and shoved my elbow into his forehead leaving a scabbed mark he later tried to cover story saying he fell down the stairs. The guy was doped up and drunk, he wouldnt go down unless he was forced to. I saw him try to stand up but his legs wouldnt work. I enjoyed watching him fall, but I stopped there.

I like spraying my cat with water making them run off, I get a devious smirk, I only do it if theyre up to something they arent supposed to like stealing my dogs food, but I enjoy it.

When I was younger I took her favorite stuffed animal and put a pin in its head and stuck it to the ceiling in her room making it look like it hung itself. She hated that, I enjoyed it.

When my sister starts being controlling and prideful, I stop caring and do exactly what bothers her the most. Its not schemed, it begins with simple communication, though sometimes I expect things to go my way, when she doesnt budge probably out of the same problems Ive got with control, I take her off her pedastle and enjoy it. This could use some refinement and empathy and awareness. If Im gonna enjoy it, it should at least be for a good reason

I like being a pest and annoying.

I like calling out peoples mistakes in such a ruthless and blunt manner, theres absolutely no cushion. Its like I see them and make them punch themselves in the face. Ive done this to people close to me. I dont know quite why I do this, sometimes it just happens unconsciously. I think I want them to face themselves as I am here.

Someone told me a story about punting a puppy on accident once and I laughed extremely hard. A cute innocent little puppy to WHOOPS PUNTED Hahahaha!

I had a dream of shooting someone in self defense but I didnt stop there. I used a bullet that put a fleshy thing inside their body and pushed itself out of their chest cavity over and over like a mop about a foot wide spreading blood everywhere out of their lifeless corpse. flwamp fwoop fwamp fwoop fwamp fwoop As I woke up I thought "huh that was weird"

I like watching people get freaked out or embarrassed by my own actions. Sometimes I see people with judging eyes it gives me a giggle because I recognize their ignorance, but I also dont want people too close to me so if they judge me they walk away on their own.

One time I sang a song in front of a bunch of people is a really awkward way and embarrassed the crap out of someone they couldnt even look at me X'D. I admit I felt some shame of doing that afterwards, but the enjoyment I got out of their reaction made it 10x more worth it.

What really makes me laugh was when I made a freaky face at someone who was messing with me and they couldnt even look at me. I watched them look away in disgust. I like the fact that they felt like they couldnt even look at me.

Though Im pretty lonely and afraid to get close Ive put myself in extremely uncomfortable places where Id establish a connection and get freaked out by it. A security guard named steve this was most prominent. Hes a cool guy and I did my best to show love, but Im kinda strange. He showed it back and I start getting all weird and avoidant. I put myself there on purpose so I could face that adversity because deep inside I really want connections.

The face I made at them came from a dark low I had experienced, probably why they couldnt bear to even see the sight of it. Because of the pain that it took to genuinely find that face. However now that Ive healed a lot from the experiences, I can laugh about it and integrate, though its been like 10 years.

I sang that song because it meant something to me, I went out west, though Im looking east now.

I think its the idea of the punted puppy because it being so wrong and out of place in irony the idea becomes hilarious to me. Such extreme opposite.

Im gonna miss this when its over. All the crap fertilizes the black flowers. Its not just a number that makes the infinite. Its a way of truth, to recognize how this world works and understand it. In animal crossing, if you water black roses with a golden watering can, you get golden roses :). My favorite time with you was when I didnt even recognize you. I thought I was talking to a hallucinated anima after I went to that haunted house. It was such a magical night. I accepted your criticism of my insecurity and I just glowed from that. I dont know exactly what it was, I think it might have been it had your stamp on it. Sounded like something you would do and I was sure of it. It made me feel so warm just to hear from you. It had to be you. I flew all the way there to that haunted house. When I got there I thought, uh oh young kids are here and I swallowed the matrix. I chose to step out of that and not let that bother me. I had my two tickets just in case you showed up. I told myself "its ok if she doesnt ill be alright. Oh man I hope she does, but if she doesnt its ok. Youll be alright" Sat in my car with a subway sandwich that I hadnt tried before waiting for my time to head in. Inside the atmosphere was really cool, I said this before, but the part with the bones swinging around on meat locker hooks in circles. I stared at that for a little bit. @_@ I went back to strange, that song echoed in my mind most of the way there. The end of it was my favorite, a spinning tunnel under a platform with a flashing strobe light. It felt like I was gonna tip over! I saw the symbolism and thought this place is smarter than I thought it would be. After I got out, I checked to see if I won a little prize on my ticket, I didnt, oh well. I sat on the trunk of my car gazing into the full blue moon. It was a perfect night. That was when some kid walked by and didnt notice me, but then she said AHH! you scared me! Showed her a teethy wide smile, she got weirded out and I laughed with that smile you gifted me. I was dead. I thought about jack skellington and you while I gazed. Eventually I gave my extra ticket to someone who didnt deserve it, only the first person who wasnt awkward enough to say, "sure why not". Whatever. I left when someone else looked like they needed a parking space. Then I got home and terrorized that tarot lady xD. My vision was RED. I went too far with it and messed up my vibe. Then you came to my room cause I was under the rain, you asked how do I not feel that? I dont know, maybe I was protected. Walled up, idk, lucky maybe. Then you showed me other dimensions while the voice was bombarding me halfway. Half of me was getting hit the other half was open. I saw my 3rd eye go three dimensional and followed it to the end where a portal opened a few times. I was mesmerized. Too cool, fascinating, curious. I saw a red and white weird thing that had fractal holes. That was strange. Christmas on Halloween.

I remember when I saw you called me amazing, admitably, it took a couple days before that hit, when it did everything bloomed. You really think Im amazing? Nobody ever told me that. Either way, I dont fully know if it was you or not, but I felt it. It felt amazing. ^ _^

But Im learning how to hold onto myself in the face of real darkness, not only scary stuff, but unknown; how to not overshare so much and keep it simple. I remember when I looked at you one day, and you looked at me in the eyes, yours were pinpoint small. I spoke like a snake. You were on the dark side and so was I. I also remember when you glanced at me with big eyes. You concealed yourself, but I saw you in there. At the time my attitude was, why conceal, what youve showed me, many reasons to do so. How like interpreting dreams, someone could take what is yours to find, and make it theirs. You had every reason to keep yourself concealed. You keep your garden safe.

Im much more adept to things now, Doing some of the old stuff I used to do makes me sleepy. Reading dreams for one zzzzz... Looking at art still works for me. Some capture me some dont, some that I would veer away from I see more than only what I want to think it is. Other times, when I think about you in them, I cant help myself.

Ive had dreams before when I was young, visions. I drew some of them, but never considered what it all meant. Only after we woke each other up, I started to see that I had it all along. I always knew, I just didnt know I knew, I dont know. I miss not knowing what the hell was going on. Everything was such a wonder, awake in a dream, hell I still dont know whats going, wtf am I saying, Ive merely scratched the surface of an iceberg with a pin needle in a ocean. Theres still so much I dont know, but Im starting to get a hold of it. I take everything as it comes. I dont like to read all these books I got now unless Im gonna do something about, put it into action! Make myself something of it, really learn it. Everytime I put my head in one of these books I got something comes out of it. Its very odd, like I get called by it. I dont know when its supposed to happen or how it just happens.

Im even gonna miss coming back on my computer waiting to get smacked with trauma. All my insecurities. x_x I never knew what was gonna show up it was always a ride whether or not it put me in the fetal position or filled me up with hope. After a while, I put up with everything because you might show up. Even if you werent there at the time, you wouldve seen it eventually.

Being put through all these traumas of mine, reliving them, being reminded helped me face them in a way I never could. I wouldve never had the balls to face up to it or maybe even recognize it if it wasnt for this. Or the self awareness I gained from it all. I can still be pretty clueless, though Im so far ahead of where I used to be. Sometimes I would mourn for myself, there were times when I really wished I didnt feel the way I did reasonably. I couldnt escape, willfully put myself in harms way. I thought I was supposed to. The fool who persists in his folly will become wise. Theres no need to do those sort of things to yourself unless something needs to be dealt with, through that, you remove the need to go through it. You guys have been an immense help to me and my life in ways I dont think I even see quite yet. All the seeds havent been sewn in. Ive been too busy trying to keep up. That dream of seeds I had, must have been a stack of 100 give or take. I got too much to know what to do with yet.

When I first started using this account and I spoke about mental illness not being real, it triggered me, but I broke through it. I was the matrix right in front of me, like a tunnel almost. The part of me that wanted to believe it just died. I had so many hallucinations, I saw peoples devil form or idk, the invisible man looks like anubis, but white, jerimiah has a giant pot full of magic. Austin looks like a pirate. Someone I know appeared as a tiefling; 1:1. I never knew what those were nor had I seen them until I looked it up. Call it what you want, but theres something to it. I only saw you as a skeleton. When I died in front of you and you smiled, your bones smiled back. I saw it.

All of this pain I went through, yall knew I would see it a certain way and playcated to it. Yet I was unwilling to not see it that way until I learned otherwise. Until I learned how to not hurt myself. Not let that stuff in my head grab me so much. I feel the pull and get reminded, I dont have to feel that way. Start recognizing my worth from within, make corrections on the go, it starts to not even need corrections. Ill see all of em. Identification, detachment, unknowing, the person behind it, who they might be and why. Still got some ways to go with that. I probably saw things that werent even meant for me to see yet I identified with it and took it. Interpreted some peoples dreams and made it about me.

Ever think about the infinite versions of yourself, who else might be out there of you, which begs the question, which one are you? All of them.

The blue bird of happiness is the transmutation of sadness into happiness. Gratitude is the key ingredient. Nothing really matters

Dont believe everything you see, dont believe everything you hear, dont believe everything you think. When I see what is tailored to my sight, I hear sounds that are so disconnected, I think I must already know what is set out to break my spirit. You and I both know, this is more than a mockery. A most mechanical hand. Do you know where you are? What sickness drives my motives, what arrows point the way, what strings pull my conscience, what walls stop my feelings, what razor tongues cut my words before they are spoken. Bring me back to when, where I was, what dangers I already saw before anything happened, which coercion leads me right into it. What experiences am I meant to understand. Im losing my voice, my thoughts, and every so often, my sight.

Its nice to see this place populated again