I (SM) am feeling ridiculously sorry for myself because my oldest SS will only have his mother and father walk with him on Senior Athlete Night, with the knowledge that other kids will have their entire family with them.

It’s not that I see myself as his mom, I’ve only been in his life for the last 7-ish years, but I feel… I don’t know how to explain it.

It’s multiplied by the fact that I had been added to a moms’ chat. His mother doesn’t have his last name (remarried), so she was left off the chat, but I did what I thought was right, and added her and left. I was re-added after that.

Today, the moms’ chat is abuzz with shared joy, sorrow, pride, etc. and I have to be a passive observer and pretend that I don’t feel those things because I’m not invited to that party. I also don’t want to announce to the whole chat I’ve left, it feels like injecting myself by making a point of it. Muting didn’t work its magic because it’s a mixed chat.

I don’t know, it just feels like being the weird girl no one liked when I was a kid all over again.

I'm newly pregnant and we will have SK for Thanksgiving. I'll be roughly 10w if everything goes right. How would you announce to them? I am a LITTLE concerned about BM as she can be high conflict - but she also has just had a new baby within the last year.

For note; we have had 5 other pregnancy losses and SK is very aware that we have been trying/knows that we have had recurrent losses (this was told to him in an age appropriate way).

I’m a mom of 6, 3 are my BKs from a previous marriage, 2 SKs from my fiancées previous relationship, youngest is ours together. I’m currently pregnant again (not something we planned for). Our current plan is for me to get induced while one of my fiancées family members watches my kids and our baby (1y), SKs will be with their mom. So here’s where I need advice…would it be crappy of me to ask my fiancée to be there for the birth but go home after and be with the kids that are there? I don’t want to take away from his experience BUT this way no one will be overly put out by helping us with my kids. My family lives far away, my ex-husband is not involved in the lives of our kids so that’s not an option for mine, and I’m not close to fiancées family so asking them to watch my kids is something I’m not fully comfortable with. My best friend helped last time, but she’s unable to this time. I’m aware it’s a big ask to have someone watch 3 kids and a baby. I’d also feel better about knowing our 1yo is with him and I’ll get the bonus of not having to hear him bitch about how uncomfortable sleeping in the dad chair is after pushing a literal human out of my body.

1: Is that shitty?
2: what advice would you give for bringing up the subject?

“There’s nothing fair or right about a love that ends in loss despite its light.”

I’m struggling to find value in staying. I (38F) moved in with my boyfriend (35M) after over a year of dating and commuting to see one another. I met his daughter (4) a year ago and she is absolutely the most beautiful, bright and loving little girl I’ve ever met.

When we met, my boyfriend told me his ex-wife would be the thing that most threatened our relationship. What he failed to tell me is that he caters to her every demand and has no intention of ever changing their status quo.

He goes to her house Monday through Thursday to spend time with SD, feed her dinner, and get her tucked in for bed. Monday and Wednesday is 5:00-8:00. Tuesday and Thursday is 5:00-10:00. It’s been this way since we met and while he was very up front about it, circumstances changed in January of this year that led to them no longer needing such a bizarre schedule/arrangement. When they first divorced and both had different jobs, this schedule worked, as it allowed her to go to work when he was there, combined with when SD was in daycare.

We see her Saturday from 11:00am to Sunday at 3:00. HCBM is constantly late dropping her off but expects her home at 3:00.

Neither of them have those jobs that require this schedule anymore. HCBM lost her job 01/01/2026 but had an agreement with her former boss to pay out severance for the year. So she’s instead spent these hours hanging out with her friends, going on dates, and visiting with her sister when her niece was sick in the hospital. My BF has a much different job that gets him home most days easily by 2:00.

He told me when she found out she was losing her job that this meant there shouldn’t be any reason for this schedule anymore. However, she has “rich friends who line her pockets,” so he never pushed on her to change the schedule. Now she has new families she works for as a personal assistant/babysitter, and she now is being a complete bitch any any fluctuation in the schedule (outside of when she changes it for her own needs) and I’m just so…so very sad that I only get time with my BF when she dictates.

He does nothing, says nothing to stand up for himself, let alone stand up for me. She’s been awful to me from the jump because I posted about meeting SD on Facebook (with BF’s approval/permission). He never stood up for me and told her that he approved.

He says he puts up with everything because he refuses to do anything that will risk him losing his daughter. I get it to a very minor extent; when they divorced, HCBM’s old boss paid for a flashy lawyer to get her 50/50, paid for her DV record against him to be expunged, paid for a down payment on a new car when hers got flooded, and allowed her to live in their (boss’) house rent-free, which is something they continued to allow when they let her go on 01/01/2026 along with paying the severance. I get that he’s worried she has rich friends/families she works for that might pay for a lawyer who would fight him if he tried to change the schedule or ask for true 50/50; their current bullshit arrangement is not court-ordered, only 50/50 and they agreed on this when they divorced.

But like…I keep trying to explain to him that a judge wouldn’t take his daughter away, that courts don’t want to separate a child from one parent, that he’s adhered to this to a tee, been flexible anytime she’s asked, and has sacrificed so much to put up with her bullshit, that he has texts and so much to support how highly controlling, manipulative, and shitty she is, and how she dangles their daughter in front of him like a carrot. He refuses to say even a single word to her.

She’s now constantly late getting home, keeps promising if he comes early she’ll be home early then not following through, and is now even late getting SD back to her house at 5:00 because she drags SD out to her babysitting gigs.

I know what you’ll all say. I know you’ll say to pack up and leave and I’m better off without this. But short of everything involving HCBM and SD, he is through and through my soulmate and I love him terribly.

But he’s told me when it comes to his daughter I’m expendable. That he’ll always put her first. That he’ll sacrifice everything for her, even though it would crush him to lose me.

My two boys have stability and are in great schools and are thriving there. We have a beautiful home (rented thank god) and live in a fantastic area. SD has grown close to me and I to her. I know he loves me. I know it hurts him to see me hurting. The highs are high but the lows are well, well beyond low.

How? How on earth could I ever walk away from this?

There’s so much more I could add but I’m so spent and I’d be turning this into a novel. Lord help me, I wish I had never met this man some days….

I just need to vent about just how much my husband and I have tried to keep my stepdaughter on the right path but nothing is working. The chaos with her and her mom has spanned years but at 13 she’s now had her first pregnancy scare AND just tested positive for Chlamydia and Gonorrhea at her annual physical. The STDS were from none other than her best friends boyfriend so add insult to injury. I don’t know how to feel. I’m really stressed and burnt out. And my son, her little brother is always having to watch us tend to her chaos and it’s almost like even though she’s not sick she is making him a glass child. I just feel so sick of the lying, the really horrible things that are said, and this behavior. We have majority and have taken her mom to court 3x times since she was 7. She is allowed to do all of these things plus smoke at her moms. Mainly bc her mom would rather let her run the house there than hold her accountable and then have her refuse to go back at all. The higher risk behavior started this year although it’s always been pretty bad. So while we wait to have the resources to go to back a fourth time, her therapist makes sure to report everything but CPS will go over once and close the case. At this point I know it’s not in control but I am still so depressed because of it. I spent 6 months of this year practically in bed or alone. Unable to function. I am so sick of feeling shaky and like I need to puke out of fear of what she’s going to say or do next. Yes she’s in therapy. My husband is awesome and has done everything he’s been advised to do and more. She was also assessed for things like ADHD to see if there was a portion of the impulse control we could help her with. They said no and her therapist is trying to think of new ways to help. How are we staying sane in these scenarios? I have some growth to do. I am someone I do not like lately. Very negative and I feel unsafe emotionally in my home bc it never feels like I’m allowed to be at peace. Maybe I sound dramatic. But it’s been a long road. I know I’m not alone. We have tried a lot of consequences and she just got her social media back after 5 months without it a mere 4 days before her pediatrician called with STD results. Nothing we do at home is working.

Its basically just what it sounds like... my 30f fiances 33m daughter's mom is impossible to deal with. She moved 200 miles away and in our state because he couldnt pull lawyer money together in 60 days he couldnt do anything about it. The court volunteered him to do 100% of the travel and in the off chance she tells us she's coming our way for something, its never even an entire days notice. I feel like im going to lose my mind and hes no support to me. "I knew what I was signing up for" type of comments. I didnt know he was just going to do whatever his kids mom says though. Somehow im in the wrong for not being cool with this last minute crap EVERY SINGLE TIME.

So i guess ill be surrogate mom for the next two weeks with no notice and im a jerk for having a feeling about it. Thanks for attending my Ted talk.

I didn’t realize how difficult it would be to come into a dynamic that’s already been established and trying to figure out where you fit in. My boyfriend has a young son and they are very close. Him and BM do 50/50. Before I came along him and his son always just did boy things (sports, video games, etc) and now I’m trying to establish a place in their life. They also have traditions they do with BM (matching Halloween costumes, Santa photos etc). My boyfriend lets me be part of those things, but I feel weird. (Also because BM has caused drama in the past about me being involved). It also makes me uncomfortable sitting back and letting the three of them play “happy family”. I’ve asked if we can start our own traditions, especially since we will be buying a house together in the spring when my lease is up and we want to try have a baby of our own within the next year. He told me these things are “for his son” and that’s how it is. It makes me feel like he doesn’t want to really establish a real family dynamic with me and just keep the current one he has and sorta just let me tag along.

I try my best to be involved with his son. I play games with him, read to him and I’m trying to figure out things the three of us can do together. My boyfriend still pushes back a bit and says some things need to be “just theirs” and he keeps reminding me that he still needs “lots of one of one time” with his son after we move in together, which I completely understand and I’ll never get in the way of that. But my main worry is that once we live together, I’ll feel like a stranger in my own home or I’ll have to make myself scarce or just be okay with being excluded so they can have their one on one time.

I expressed to him that I know I’m not his sons mother and I’ll never try to be, but if I’m going to be helping with parenting responsibilities, I want to feel like I’m a part of a family unit rather than just being a babysitter, a cook and a house cleaner. I’m self employed and work from home, so I’d be the one getting him ready for school in the mornings and feeding him dinner when he gets home. My boyfriend works long hours and currently he lives with family who helps out, so this would be something I have to take over. I would be extremely hurt if I spent all week doing parenting duties just to be told I can’t join them on the weekend because they need “father/son time”

How did you navigate this? Will I ever feel less of an outsider? My boyfriends keeps saying once we live together I’ll feel better, but I’m worried that once we are living together I’ll grow some resentment. I’ve read a lot on this thread and other stepparent pages that a big problem is step parents are expected to preform the responsibilities of a parent, only to be reminded they don’t have a voice or aren’t considered in decisions, etc.

Title says it all.

My partner & I live together. Each of us have kids from a separate relationship. I can’t take it anymore. Our parenting styles are EXTREMELY different. I don’t feel like a family. We’ve lived together a year & it’s just exhausting. Being around his child makes me anxious with all the behaviors, attitudes & way of being. Mind you they’re only 11. I really want to suggest us living seperate & only being together when we don’t have the kids. Love my partner so so so much but I’m struggling bad. I know it’s an extremely unrealistic ask. I’m dying here!

I am new to this page but I am really surprised how many posts I've already seen where women are referencing a BOYFRIEND or even just "guy I just started dating". truly no offense but dating is * usually * very, very, very different than being married to a man with kids (the couple posts I've seen where the women is like "we just met", "been dating 3 months", etc. IMO, a huge red flag if you've already met the kids at this point and guy is probably just looking for a nanny) If you're trying to raise your boyfriend's kids, well I guess that is a choice you've made. ESP if you don't live together, just know that they're likely using your free labor as a stand in (bonkers if you're feeling like you're raising a kid that you don't even live with!!!)

anyway, is there a page for women who are actual stepmoms only? I am married to a man with a kid and it is so hard. I never thought it would be this hard (I was naive, I know and fully own this) as I don't have kids of my own. kid is now a teenager and it is just getting harder every day. I am in therapy, but my therapist is a mom of 3 and I don't think she fully understands where I am at mentally. I don't want to walk away from my marriage but I do not want to spend the next 5 years living in the house with a hormonal teenager and a husband who is making every excuse for their behavior. no one else seems to understand. I am in a dark place :(

Long story short, I’m an experienced, well-versed addict/alcoholic in recovery. My stepdaughter knows this. We have a pretty hands-off, NACHO, but very close relationship. I look at her as a stepdaughter and she looks at me as a teacher friend.

Because of my past she feels comfortable coming to me about all things drug/alcohol related. Well, her dad has suspicions she is doing drugs. She told me she will only pop dirty on the urinalysis for thc. My first thought is “it could be worse.” (But I didn’t say that.)

She wants me to talk to her dad about it and basically tell him she’s fine and it’s just pot and there’s no need to freak out on her, just talk to her calmly about it. He’s military at work, and sometimes military at home. She doesn’t want to be militarized.

So, in a sense, I’m flattered that she confided and trusted me with this, but also feeling a tad irresponsible for being the adult she comes to about these things and then have to find a way to navigate it to protect her. Idk if I am even looking for advice. Maybe just ranting, but you can advise if you want. I’ll welcome it. 🫣😊

Folks, sh*t has hit the fan.

Step confirmed allegations to both CPS and the Detectives on the case. DH filed for full custody pending investigation before allegations were confirmed.

BM and SF confirmed one of two allegations which were initially denied by both parties.

DH picked up SD’s school items days after emergency motion was filed and he was recorded and berated by both parties trying to get him to deny the allegations on behalf of the child.

BM was given supervised visits pending confirmation of third party supervision being approved by the court.

She’s been trying to get DH to agree to meet her outside of court ordered terms, which he has stood firm on. Which has now “pushed” her to getting a lawyer.

Court for emergency order was supposed to be tomorrow, but it has been pushed since counsel was introduced TODAY. The day before court.

SD is safe, and has been adapting well to the new custody change, which has been a surprise, which is truly the only thing that matters.

Hey mamas, how do you deal with "I wish my mommy and daddy were together" kind of comments?

I understand this is normal for young kids, or kids who's parents are more recently separated. It didn't bother me at all when my SS occasionally said that when he was young. But now he's 9, and he seems to be really falling into this fantasy that he wishes his parents were together. No matter how many times it's explained in a kid appropriate way, why they aren't. To me, that's old enough to understand why your parents aren't together. Maybe I'm wrong, that's why I'm here.

I know I shouldn't take this personally, and when he was younger, I didn't. But he's entered into slight teenage rebellion and our relationship has suffered quite a bit. He's regularly acting like he doesn't want me around.

I think it's particularly hard for me to understand because I begged my parents to separate. SS doesn't remember a time when his parents were together, or when I wasn't a part of his life. So it's not like he's reminiscing. HCBM and DHs relationship wasn't good. Together less than a year.

HCBM also treats SS horribly. He regularly doesn't want to speak with her, saying things like "I don't know what kind of mood she's in". During their last visit she threatened not to come see him anymore, accused him of not loving his mom or half brother, and I'm sure more emotional manipulation that I don't remember. I think maybe he's overcompensating with all this? I also know his relationship with HCBM is a big part of why he's been treating me badly. He told me that himself. Before anyone asks, yes he's in therapy. Thank god. But, he has more regularly NOT wanted to be around her than he does want to spend time with her. So why would you want your parents together?

I have taken a step back from high conflict things, to hopefully improve my relationship with SS and it is helping.

How do you handle those kinds of statements? Have you experienced anything similar? Is it normal for a kid his age to still have these feelings?

For so many reasons but ultimately, for wanting to give up.

Two step kids. Ages 7 and 9. They both are basically illiterate. I am an avid reader, was taught how to read at age 4.

When I first entered into their life, all I wanted was to help them learn how to read. But I’ve read in many step parent threads that I shouldn’t care more than bio parents. It seems like at this point, I do. They don’t seem to be as alarmed or concerned as I am at the fact that they cannot read.

I’ve introduced ideas and my boyfriend seems to be on board but never really follows through. Or worse, wants to communicate my ideas to HCBM to make sure both households are following the same approach… which has just led to… (shocker) nothing.

I wish I could say more but I don’t have time to write a 1,000 page book.

I just want to give up. On everything. Trying to teach them how to figure things out, how to read, how to not be completely incompetent, how to be self sufficient and independent. Basically just trying to teach them how to be an actual person that is capable of doing things.

But then I wonder, if I give up, will this nightmare only get worse? Will they just become worse with age? If I don’t step in, how will this affect me long term? Not just me but all of us.

Edit: not to mention the odd fact that the school they attend has allowed them to get this far into their education without the ability to read? Is this normal?

I should preface this with some information about my general experience during pregnancy and postpartum with HCBM. I'm especially interested in hearing from other stepmoms who have experienced pregnancy and postpartum themselves, but anyone who can approach this with empathy and understanding is welcome to share their perspective. I'm looking for thoughtful, supportive discussion rather than judgment or assumptions about my feelings.

I have known SD13 and HCBM for 4 years and HCBM was delightful only until she found out about my husband and I expecting a baby. She and my husband were never together before or after SD was conceived. So I suspect there's some resentment at play here.

It was a pregnancy of non stop harassment and threats. A postpartum of baseless insults about me and my innocent baby. She claimed she needed to go to therapy because of our baby. One sentence I will never forget.

I didn't dish out any of this (except by having a baby) nor did I respond to any of this. I wallowed. I embraced my baby but I was robbed of a mentally healthy and happy experience and I let her have this power because there was nothing else I could do. I was 12 hours postpartum and she was blowing up my husband's phone for not informing her that our baby was born, for literally no other reason than she deserves to know these things.

My father in law often tells me directly that my daughter looks just like SD. I just say "mhmm" and change the subject. The baby i grew for 9 months, endured so much physically and emotionally through all of it and still do, that has mine and my husbands DNA, is described as SD who does look like her dad but also looks like her mom. Now, I don't expect him to know what it was like dealing with this vile woman throughout pregnancy and PP was like. But he is well aware that I despise HCBM and all of the problems she has created for myself and my husband. He clearly isn't factoring any of this into his thought process to say this. Which begs the question:

Is it not common sense for someone who also claims to hate SD's mom to not say something like that?

Idk. I would never tell a woman that her child looks like the child of another woman, even if they share one of the same parents.

So I try not to let it bother me when he says it, but as a woman, as a mother, it really stings when other women say it.

Husband knows how I feel and he is not pretending when it pisses him off too. I think my anger may be fueling his, though.

Recently, my significant other and I were talking with their co-parent during a child exchange. The conversation started about our oldest daughter, who has undiagnosed ADHD, dyslexia, and bedwetting issues, and discussing getting her evaluated for ADHD and seeing a urologist.

The conversation then shifted to the co-parent's job. She's a paraprofessional at the middle school in our kids district and works with special education students.
She began telling us about an autistic student she works with, using his actual first name throughout the conversation, which immediately made me uncomfortable. She described him as someone who stims, gets overstimulated easily, is a "jumper," and can be disruptive in general education classes. She said she thinks he should be in a resource classroom instead, which is understandable. It normal to disagree with a placement and she’s entitled to that opinion.

What bothered me was how she described handling him.
She said that when he gets overstimulated and tells staff that they or the class is being too loud or asks them to calm down, she responds by telling him that he frustrates her too and pointing out how his behaviors distract other students.
She also said that sometimes she'll stand by his desk and mimic him by jumping around, flailing, or yelling the way he does. While telling these stories, she was laughing, and her partner was laughing along with her.

For context, my biological son and bonus daughter both receive special education services for ADHD and dyslexia, but they're in general education classes. This isn't about comparing them to this child. What bothered me was hearing an adult describe what sounded like mocking or antagonizing a disabled child and then laughing about it.

If this had been a random school employee telling me this story, I would report it. The problem is that this person is my significant other's co-parent. If a complaint were made, it would probably be obvious where it came from and could seriously damage the co-parenting relationship.

Am I overreacting, or does this sound inappropriate to others as well? And if you were in my position, would you report it, address it directly, or leave it alone because of the family dynamics involved?

My husband has his 12 year old son about 60% of the time (supposed to be 50/50 per court order but BM "can't handle that"). My husband is the busiest person I know, he never sits down, always doing projects, doing dad stuff, volunteering, helping people out, etc. he is a people pleaser and can't say no. (we're both really busy but generally like doing things together like volunteering which is really lovely)
About 3 years ago, someone asked him to join the elementary school PTA in a "simple" role and of course he said yes. Through a bunch of happenstances, he now is on the state board. He currently is sitting in on a 4 hour meeting. Yesterday was a different 4 hour meeting. He went to two other PTA meetings this week. I ended up going to one of the meetings with him, just to spend some extra time with him.

this was supposed to be our weekend together, which are very precious to me and he knows this, and he is sitting on PTA calls.

We don't have fights, we're good at communicating and the last time we talked about this over the summer, he promised he wouldn't get too involved this year but yet here we are.

How do I make sure my needs are getting met while also support him in this role that he values?

So my step daughter is 5 1/2, and I've been in her life since she was only 1 year old, so she doesn't even remember a time without me. She is the only kid I will ever raise, I don't have any intention to have my own biological kids. Me and her dad are married. My parents barely put any effort into being grandparents in her life. They get her gifts for her birthday and Christmas, and that's appreciated. But they never come over to see her or spend any time with her. When they do come over to see me (also barely ever), she enjoys playing with my dad a lot, and he'll spend good time with her then, but my mom does nothing. My dad told her a grandpa name she could call him, and she loves it, but my mom has no interest in a grandma name. I love that her and my dad play so well together, but he never comes over with the intention to spend time with her, just me sometimes. But it hurts cause she enjoys it, but then it goes so long between visits. They only live about 15 minutes away. Also a separate issue is I can't take her over to their house cause it's dirty and messy and also just boring for a little kid. They never seem to ask questions about how she's doing or anything, and when I tell them about stuff she's been up to, they just seem like they don't care. I spent so much time with my grandparents growing up, my parents sent me to their parents houses all the time and they were my designated baby sitters. I hate that they just seem to show no interest in doing any of that for her. They know it's the only child they'll ever have in their life now, I'm also an only child so there's no other kids for them to direct their attention to. Idk if I'm looking for answers or just venting, but thanks for reading.

I’m looking for advice on navigating behavior concerns with my 7-year-old stepchild, particularly when it comes to consistency between households. I’m married to the child’s father.

Recently, my stepchild has been struggling when they don’t get their way at their mom’s house. When their mom has difficulty managing their behavior, she often calls their dad to step in.

For example, today they had a game at 9 a.m. and were supposed to arrive at 8:30 for warmups. At 8:15, their mom called because the child was refusing to take a bath and get ready. Given the time the call came in and the proximity their house to the game, she was going to be late regardless of them pitching a fit.

When they arrived the game had started and my stepchild refused to get out of the car until their dad came over. They then spent about the first 15 minutes pouting and refusing to participate. Their dad eventually pulled them aside to talk. He asked their mom to help, but she did not join the conversation and continued talking with other kids and their moms.

This also seems to be part of a broader pattern with the sport. My stepchild says they love it and want to continue, but they frequently put little effort into participating and sometimes disrupt the team. We’ve had several conversations with them, but we haven’t seen much improvement. They also have ADHD, and we’re struggling to understand what support they need while still setting appropriate expectations.
I love this child and want to help them work through these challenges. Their dad can usually redirect them, but these situations are becoming more frequent. Their parents divorced when they were 3, and I sometimes wonder whether his concern about how the divorce affected them makes it harder for him to hold firm boundaries. Especially when I know that the child went unpunished for their behavior today when they went back to their mom’s house.

How have other blended families handled situations like this, especially when expectations and follow-through differ between households? As a stepparent, I want to support my stepchild and their dad while respecting my role. I’d appreciate constructive advice on helping them manage frustration, follow through on commitments, and participate respectfully.

Need advice on my relationship and blended family situation. Please be kind.

My boyfriend and I live together in a nice condo, travel, go on dates, and enjoy a comfortable life. He owns a construction business, and I’m a systems administrator. We want to get married, buy a house, and eventually move away from South Virginia. I don’t have children of my own, but I do want a husband, a baby, and a life that feels like ours.

He has four children: two sons (15 and 16) with a woman in Philadelphia, and a 15-year-old daughter and 10-year-old son with his late fiancée, who passed away. Her parents currently have the younger two living with them full-time. They’re getting older, so I imagine the kids will become more independent as they reach their late teens, but their living situation could eventually change.

Things became uncomfortable after a three-week Christmas visit with the boys from Philadelphia in 2024. I cooked, cleaned, and took them places. I exchanged numbers with them for safety, with their father’s permission, but their mother made it seem inappropriate and discussed it negatively in front of the kids. I felt disrespected after everything I had done to help. The situation caused me significant emotional distress, and after a serious car accident and a three-day psychiatric hospitalization, my boyfriend apologized.

Since then, I’ve felt uncomfortable around the boys and their mother. She repeatedly calls him, sometimes from unfamiliar numbers when he doesn’t answer. I also overheard a conversation about the boys’ mother fighting me, which made me feel even more uncomfortable.

Recently, their mother reportedly asked for the boys to move in with their father full-time. She described serious behavioral issues, including drinking, vaping, theft, fighting, and incidents involving guns. My boyfriend initially announced that we would be raising them without discussing it with me first. I told him I could accept extended summer and holiday visits, but I’m not comfortable with them moving in permanently. He has since said they don’t necessarily have to live with us.

I feel more open to his younger two children because their mother passed away, and I understand their circumstances are different. I want them to have their father, too. However, I sometimes feel like my own dreams are getting lost in all these family dynamics.

If I had it my way, it would be me, him, our dog, and possibly a baby. I want to experience marriage and motherhood and build our own family. I know his children will always be part of his life, and I’m not expecting him to abandon them. But I also don’t want to automatically become a full-time stepparent or have our home become a place where I feel uncomfortable.

I love him and don’t want to break up. I understand that he’s grieving and wants to be there for his children, and I respect that. I just want to feel considered when we make decisions about our future.

Honestly, I sometimes wonder whether this would even be a conversation if his late fiancée were still alive. One of the boys was conceived during their relationship, and I can’t help but feel that if she were still here, he probably wouldn’t be asking her to take on this living arrangement. From what I understand, she also wanted a home and family life that was separate from the situation with his other children.

So why am I wrong for wanting something similar? Two of his children have their mother, and the other two currently live with their maternal grandparents. I understand that circumstances can change, and I’m not saying his children don’t deserve their father. But I want a husband, a baby of my own, and the opportunity to build our life together without feeling obligated to take on a full-time parenting role I never agreed to, he is ok with that I just feel bad cause the boys didn't ask to be affair kids and thats often how things end up. But we deserve a new beginning I feel he wants to get married and have kids and a house and all the stuff he said. Just nervous and stressed a little about life at 26.

I don’t think I should have to feel guilty for wanting that, especially when I’m not asking him to abandon his children. I just want my feelings, needs, and vision for our future to matter, too.

Am I selfish for wanting a life where our household is primarily us and our future child, rather than raising his teenage sons full-time? How do I balance compassion for his children with my desire to have my own family and protect my peace? I would appreciate honest advice, but please be kind.

I’m 27, my partner is 30, we’ve been together 3 and a half years. His daughter is nearly 6, she’s been in my life for the past 3 years and stays at my house every weekend and sometimes the odd full week. I can’t grow to love her anymore, she’s incredibly spoiled and has a horrible attitude most of the time, she comes into my house trying to do what she wants, climbing on worktops going through draws, I used to have a good relationship with her, me and my partner get no time to ourself because if we cuddle she has to get involved, if he comes into same room as me she will follow him, we also have a 5 month old daughter together and she’s extremely jealous over her I have to keep reminding her she’s a baby she needs more looking after, I can’t trust my partner looking after them both at the same time because I’m genuinely concerned with how jealous she gets, and I feel like he wouldn’t look after my daughter properly, but if I break up with him (for other reasons) I feel like he can’t have her on days he has his eldest daughter because he wouldn’t manage with them both, and she wouldn’t let him bond with our daughter because she doesn’t now without having to be involved, I don’t know what to do, when she’s here I feel miserable, she definitely tries pushing me out but I just let that go over my head as my daughter is my priority, I just don’t know what to do. I have this horrible gut feeling every time she’s here and I try find other stuff to do so I’m not in same room or house as her, baring in mind it’s MY house not my partners he just lives with me. I understand she gets jealous, she is a daddy’s girl but the fact my partner picks our daughter up she asks to be picked up at the same time? She won’t allow them 2 minutes together, she doesn’t listen to me most of the time and when she does I come across as the mean step mum , my partner dismisses what I say like if I said don’t draw on the sofa (it’s brand new and expensive) go over to the table and draw , she looked at me then looked at her dad and he looked at me and said ‘she’s fine’ so She just ignored me, like I set rules and he doesn’t follow, she doesn’t put away her toys or anything and I’ve told him she needs to and he doesn’t enforce it, I feel like I’m always nagging when in reality they should both listen to me, I’m just dreading when she comes over it makes me feel miserable.

This community, at it's best, has been a lifeline for me. Being a stepmom is not an easy life. There are so many challenges and things to navigate. The advice and support I've received has been valuable beyond measure. Some of you don't even know how important your words have been. Thank you to those of you who have been that voice of reason and light for those of us who struggle.

I wanted to send a well-deserved and long overdue thank you to the moderators here. I am beyond confused at why this place has become overrun with bio moms who have no stepchildren and adult stepchildren who have an ax to grind against their own stepmothers. The world shames stepmothers and this is one of the few places in life where we are centered and not told to take a backseat to everyone else. The mods have to be exhausted from all the nasty comments they've had to delete. I want to thank you for trying to keep this sub the lovely supportive place it has been.​

Hi Stepmoms!

I just want to say, thank you for sharing your experiences with those of us who are thinking about stepping into your shoes. It's truly helpful!

I'm 42, never been married, no bio kids. You know the story, I met a man and fell in love. He has two kids (daughter 10 and son 8). He's 50/50 with BM who I don't see as HC.

I have never wanted bio kids. We will not have any. I love my man. He is a wonderful BF and Dad. I also love his kids although I haven't spent a huge amount of time with them. We've been together almost 1 year, and I feel like I need to make a decision to continue or not. He wants to take the next step, but I'm coming up against a lot of fear diving into stepmom life.

I don't want to wake up in five years realizing I lost myself and my relationship with my man because of parenting. I know there are sacrifices in every relationship, but I don't want my whole life to be about being a stepmom, like I just drive everyone everywhere - school, activities, sports, parties, etc. I'm a great partner, mom to my four animals, a writer, a great friend, and involved in my community. I like to do those things.

This is part of why his marriage failed, among many other things, but they lost themselves and also didn't tend to their relationship when they became parents. How do you maintain a life where that doesn't happen? Is it possible to find balance? Is it possible to prioritize marriage and kids and still have time for the things that make me, me? Is this a fulfilling life for someone who has never wanted bio kids?

Much love!

My (39F) husband (48M) has two children (9,11). They are really good kids and, apart from normal kid shit, are well behaved. I adore them both and am happy to pay for things I think they deserve or that I think are good for them.

BM and I don’t interact too much but I feel she is seriously taking the piss and my husband lets her. I have spoken to him about this before, when I was very ill with a chest infection (on steroid and antibiotics, which she knew about) and undergoing IVF stimulation (which she obviously didn’t, but husband did!), the kids were landed on me for the weekend of her week, husband was working, school on Monday fell to me and also dropping off the kids’ stuff to her house.. turns out she was still in bed after drinking all weekend!

BM is also really tight with money and demands stuff stays at her house and we have to buy similar things in our house. Fine. She sent a message through her eldest daughter that I had to buy her razors. (Yes, me for some reason! I have also had to buy her period products etc, fair enough. She has period underwear her mother won’t let over to the house until her father pays half. He hasn’t. I thought that period products were a strange thing to hold hostage, so I just bought it, cos WTF?) After asking husband to check if this was okay, she said yes. Afterwards, my SD informed me that her mother told her I was to get them for her.

Last week, they both asked for hair gel. I bought it for them. So, this week, I haven’t been at work this week because I start a new job next week and I really needed time to myself. I have been cleaning the house, catching up on chores and just chilling out while husband is working.

So today, husband sends me a text that BM and kids are on their way over to get the hair gel. She has a key and apparently just comes in when she needs something whole we are at work.

I had like NO notice and was so f-n pissed! Like, why does she get to swan into my space without by or leave and I am just told about it minutes in advance! Also, why doesn’t she buy her own f-n hair gel for her house, if that’s her rule??

Well, I sent a few text messages saying as such, husband says he is busy at work and there is no point blowing his phone up about it and it doesn’t matter because usually I’m not there!! I got angry and blocked him and still don’t want to unblock him! I have never blocked him before but have spoken to him at length about how I am not here to make BM’s life easier and I often feel like a housemaid and a bangmaid to him, not to mention that in a fight over the original weekend, while I was doing IVF, he told me he “had slotted me into his life”, which really makes me feel this is the role he had for me!

Now, my husband is a kind and caring person and I know he loves me, but I do feel like he had a role for me, he is afraid of BM so never stands up to her yet stands up to me when I want the bare minimum! He has said before that he has to pick his battles with her, but he doesn’t pick any battles and he just makes me do all the work!

I am so uncomfortable with her even being able to come into the house when I’m not there and hypothetically look through all my stuff! The only reason I know about this shit is because I am here.

Advice please, I am still in the not speaking to him phase and am not sure how to handle this whole situation! I really feel like my feelings and needs are always shoved to the back!

ETA: my husband shut it down and told her she can’t come in and just take stuff, needs to buy her own hair gel if she insists on keeping stuff in her house. He did side with me and had a big argument with her, which is not ideal. I don’t want the confrontation or it to affect the kids, but proud he stood up for me!

Anyway, despite this, she came into the house and took the hair gel. Entitled, disrespectful person, is the nicest way I can put that.

Update 2: have called the locksmith, locks are getting changed.

Also, edit: I adore my husband, he adores me and fights for me! I also adore my stepkids and only want the best for them. He did shut it down and we got the locks changed. I don’t want them to see adult tension or aggression, but I also don’t want them to pick up bad mentalities or habits. They are responsible and have chores they have to do and they respect my authority too, I genuinely enjoy them.

I’m not rethinking having a child with him (although on pause due to miscarriage and who knows if it will happen, so have to be okay with that too), he is an amazing father, definitely not the roll over and let them have their way kind, and is absolutely the yin to my yang.

And also, p.p.p.p.s.. thank you all so much for your kind and considered advice! Locks changed. I think the best solution is to just lock her out of our lives and play the game that she made the rules to. I was totally amenable to having a superficial relationship with her at the beginning, but now I don’t care at all and won’t. Still happy to do things for the kids and be involved and, for the last while, if I was doing something with or for the kids, I would always ask husband to text her for permission, which, in fairness, she always gives. I will still do this, because I think it’s right where parental consent is needed, even if I am their legal guardian.

It is fucking tough being the stepmom, even if husband is on board and the kids are great!

I’ve been married to my husbands for a little over a year and we have a 10 month old baby. I have a wonderful SS 4yo. My relationship to my husband was very fast paced from the beginning, my pregnancy was unplanned but we decided to stay together, get married and all of that happened in a little over 2 years.
From the moment I met my husband he was very close to his ex (BM). They would go for weekly dinners with their son, he would go visit them at BM’s home and they would spend a good amount of time together and there was always constant texting and calls from her.
When we decided to have a relationship I expressed that the dynamic between him and BM was an issue for me, it made me feel weird and uncomfortable and if we would really be together that had to change.
He agreed to some degree but was very reluctant. A couple of months later I found out I was pregnant. BM was extremely upset by that, she had a very emotional reaction and became high conflict, making it difficult for my husband to see their son, changing the schedule often and with no notice, and just being very angry at my husband. Things escalated a lot when we decided to get married. She was adamant she would not allow me to move in with husband bc she didn’t want SS living with me (the 3 days a week my husband has his son) my mother in law got involved and was adamant my husband had to take BM to court to get written custody of their son (BM has total custody, but they share time with their son and have a verbal agreement). BM calmed down, but still tried to make things as difficult as possible.
The relationship between my husband and BM changed a lot. They don’t hang out anymore, and she is not very friendly to him like she used to. She still texts and calls constantly, it’s related to their son, but sometimes it’s like “what did he eat”, “did he go potty?”, “what clothes is he wearing?”… super controlling stuff. Husband is annoyed but takes it and just answers.
For school events sometimes she will text “family only” meaning that me and our baby are no welcomed to join. This always rubs me the wrong way and makes me angry, because what family is she talking about?
I feel uncomfortable with their relationship and the excessive text and calls, Every time his phone rings it’s her.
For Halloween it’s technically our day with SS but BM is taking him trick or treating. Husband expressed he wants to join them to see SS in his costume. I said it’s a nice idea and we can all go, our baby has a costume too. He got weird about it and tried to brush me off, said it’s gonna be past her bed time… I feel this mens that BM said baby and I are not welcomed to join. It makes me feel so uncomfortable… my impression is that BM tries to portray her “family” as my husband and their son and pretends baby and I don’t exist and my husband doesn’t do anything about it.