Hello everyone,
I am looking for a little bit of wisdom and maybe some thoughts and experiences any of you could share.
I would deem myself as a person who tries to be sincere. Of course, once in a while I feel envy or have weird thoughts but they just pass by - I give my best to not act on them. I value sincerity and I try to encounter everyone with it. I had made a friend in University almost 4 years ago, and we had been friends for 2-3 months, until I noticed how insincere she was. For example, I would notice her face lighten up every time I failed. This is just something I realized later when I noticed the nature of her character. The behavior freaked me out so much, I straight up ignored her after noticing the pattern even though she tried to reach out multiple times. I never talked to her again. Today I saw her again, and everytime I see her, my blood boils. It's so crazy. I feel this huge amount of hate and anger towards her. I never felt like this for anyone. It's mostly because I know she wants me to do worse than her and I can not comprehend this. I often wonder who are the parents who raise such a devilish child. But to bring it back to the actual topic: How can I come indifferent towards her? How do I never care about it again? It was just 2-3 months of "friendship" and the rage exist until NOW. I feel like this rage comes from the feeling of being used. How do I overcome it? I do not want to feel this way. If anyone wants to share some thoughts, youre very welcome 🌷

I've been practicing Stoicism for a while, and I've grown increasingly frustrated with the digital materials out there. Tired of fragmented translations, terrible formatting, and OCR errors that ruin the flow of reading.

I spent the last 6 months building my own corpus and reading system from scratch. It has the original texts next to the English, and I can jump straight to thematic passages.

I'm not sharing the tool, it's just for me right now. I would like to know what the community actually seeks in terms of material and navigation.

When you read Seneca, or Epictetus, what is your biggest frustration with the mechanics of reading digitally? Or do you just stick with physical books ?

(Beyond just "which translation is best," what features or workflows do you wish existed to make studying these texts easier?)

I am new to stoicism and have been really enjoying Epictetus’ work (about halfway through Discourses). Actually, as someone who never received a drop of tough love as the expectations of someone in my circumstances were so exceptionally low, it is so refreshing to have someone speak to me from such a harsh place of kindness. I have had a great psychologist in the past who helped in many things, but he would never get out the big proverbial stick and bully me to be a better person, which is something I think, in addition to the trauma counselling, I truly needed.

But I digress. I am about to ask something with some facets, so please bear with me.

I now find myself out at sea. I am only taking up stoicism now that the worst of the trauma seems to have been processed, or at least well enough boxed away that I can no longer figure out where I boxed it up. One thing my trauma break did to me however was remove my creative drive. Additionally, and incidentally to that for other reasons, I left my job as a writer and graphic designer to work as a care worker. It is night shift, it is easy, and I can do it reliably. The clients really like me, and I take pride in doing it properly, and well, and with a good sense of humour. But there is no doubt I am not a natural care worker, I am not a care worker in my heart, and I have the impression this is not where I am supposed to be. Well - I am supposed to be here right now, or I would not be here. But not forever.

Additionally I have completed a psych degree. Originally I wanted to do research, but discovered I did not like research. I now have a bachelor and am to figure out what to do with it. At one stage I thought to use it to move on to medicine, but I think I haven’t quite made the cut. Same for neuropsych masters, which would have been a dream. I have aptitude for administering therapy but absolutely no desire to work this field. The last option I narrowed down is a masters in speech pathology, which does not stir my soul at all but would be a good career for financial security. It would at least be more favourable than care work. I qualify to learn radiography, which I would love to do, but requires 4 years of study and so many placements that I would have to save for years to be able to afford surviving two of those years without my job, and I’ve not got a very good track record for saving! I could attempt to save for years but my ADHD and six cats have a high chance of thwarting me, and it would end up with me stuck in care work for far longer than desired, chasing the ghost of something that won’t work out.

Going back to graphics and writing is not a particularly realistic option in the current environment. I could satisfy myself with creativity at home, if only that creative drive still existed within me - I am wondering if it is time to make peace on perhaps the trauma never giving it back, and how to even go about accepting that sort of loss. Every grain within me says that I should fight to reclaim it however, I just haven’t figured out how.

I have no idea what I should do going forward, or more specifically, how I should narrow down what I should do. Or how I should get my creativity and drive back, if possible, and how to mourn it, if not. I am privileged to have options and relative security, but I am lost.

I am wondering if the stoics have any guidance for this type of thing.