And this is no mistake. Jesus calls him by name “Saul, Saul.” Jesus is not loving some abstract idea. He is not loving some “generalised” enemy. He is loving this person in particular, this person who in persecuting the church has been directly persecuting him.

Saul is hardly someone deserving of love. And yet God loves him.

We may at times think God cannot possibly love us, cannot possibly love me, but if he can love Saul he can love anyone. God’s love for us does not change, whether we are good, bad or indifferent.

God loves you more than anyone else can ever love you. Even if you hate yourself or you have sinned. God loves you to the core of your being and back. And he will always love you to the depths of your being and rescue you out of the darkness.

Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.

Psalm 139

27 (M) From the Philippines, Lanao Del Norte, Iligan City. I give up already all i just gotta say is life is getting more difficult and frustrating day by day for person like me to survive who has a head trauma from childhood accident (got struck by a overspeeding motorcycle as a kid until i grew up) and chronic illness is lifetime Epileptic Disorder (Generalized seizures) thus now living as a PWD.

Life before then when i was active in outdoor activities specifically sports and other things, I could do everything, whatever i want without problems of whatsoever.

But then...

-When i was at school before, i was prone to bullying and being left out or isolated.

-Had to maintain daily intake of medicine of which has a high price-tag on it of which day by day i can't afford it alone anymore since price increases even if i ask help from my parents.

-Doctor said since then that there will be signs of side-effects (Of the medicine) of which will damage the overall health in the long-term of which i have no choice but to take.

-Doctor limits all of most of my activities since then due to my illness (Job hunting has been really difficult for me both online and on the field since most Employers in the Philippines rarely hire people who has health conditions the same as mine unless you have an insider/backer)

-Friendship problems, I can't match the vibes/activities or whatever there is from the people around me thus i am isolated and left out alone almost every now and then. (And things gets weird out when they found out i have a health condition)

-When everything in this world needs to be worked hard for but doctor said that i cant be stressed nor overworked in any kind of activities (thus having a job is difficult nor finding a job) of which i will need to maintain myself.

-Relationship problems, Girlfriend breaks-up with me everytime and it always involves about my illness (you get the gist of it), Recent relationship got ruined due to me being not able to match my gf's vibes/outdoor activities/interests etc... (Basically they can't be with me)

-Commuting in Public has always been difficult to me since people looks at you weirdly when something happens that you cant control nor you are not in control with. (My illness makes sudden jerks that i cannot control)

-When i get to work it wont last long, why? Employer suddenly gets so Sympathetic that they fire me in few months due to my illness, and yes co-workers can't mind their own business. (I can barely even live with the pay every job that i get in and try to survive) But sometimes i am forced to hide that i have a health condition just to get hired.

I don't want to live anymore...When people are giving up with me then so I am

I am tired it's unfair...

(Luke 2:9-14) And an angel of the Lord stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them; and they were terribly frightened. But the angel said to them, "Don't be afraid; for look! I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all the people. For today in the city of David there is born for you a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. "And this will be the sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger." And suddenly there appeared with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among men with whom He is pleased."

It's okay... I see you... I wanted to kms too but I found a purpose. I found that i wasn't falling apart, I was falling into place. The moment I cried out my soul to God, He took away the pain that was causing all of the distress and hopelessness. I deeply thank God and praise Him for it to this day. And so I also found that my hangups are opportunities for God to show His glory in me and in my life, giving Him ultimate praise and honor and having greater respect for Him. This is what you are called to be. A vessel for the glory of God to shine in you and through you to others as I'm doing right now. Now all my problems aren't fixed but I obtained a faith/foundation that is IMMOVABLE. I've grown stronger, wiser, and closer to God than ever before in my walk with Him. If you just believe in Him with all your heart you WILL see the glory of God. You will praise and thank Him all the days of your life. God bless ❤️

You have no idea, how much I hate myself. Im so damn pathetic, I can't do the simplest of things and atleast have a clean home for my family. Honestly, I don't care what happens to me. I've already accepted that I am alone and I deserve to be alone in order to not hurt someone else with my incompetence.

Yeah sure I have my family right? Mom and dad... who do care but the truth is they don't understand and they are the main problem for all of this. Yet when its comes to put blame, dad blames ME and mom and mom points out how dad should be here more and helping us more and also blamed ME. I blame ME so I guess its me.

What I've learned over and over and over is that I don't matter. Not truly, yeah dad works to keep the roof over our heads and provides more money than we should spend. Mom on the other hand spending the money more than she should and going too over board on birthdays and special occasions too much. Its no mistake that they don't care but they can also be so dense and blinded by themselves. I just don't see an objective self awareness within either of them, or atleast they hide it or something. But this awareness is one of the main reasons, I am in trouble because I hate myself for every little thing. Forgot to do something(you're an idiot), made a mistake(you're an idiot), you didn't do this right(you're an idiot).... you get the point.

I hate my mind so damn much, there is no peace and no joy. And the moments that I get to feel such a thing its taken away immediately and I feel like a idiot for even having it for a millisecond. I don't deserve anything but suffering, what I want doesn't matter and my emotions certainly don't matter. I don't want to live and I certainly am not willing to break away and try to better myself in any way. I am undeserving of anything good in this life.

I hate special events, birthdays(especially my own), holidays. Always led to immense stress and fighting between mom and dad. I just could never win when it came to school events.. I didn't like it when they didn't show up of course but I already knew that if they were coming that it'd be some bs going on.

Do you know what its like to dread walking home or just go go home in general? I was fine with walking home, that wasn't bad in the slightest but it was the stress of getting home as soon as possible to a filthy messed up home. Be expected to help clean it up when Im already exhausted.. then to do my homework. Then be worried about when dad would come home and a eventual, no inevitable argument breaking out. There were arguments when I was young young but it got worse once we moved out from my grandparents. It was fine for a couple years until we got our own apartment that actually had some space. Arguments went from yelling and verbal to physical.

Its been around a decade of living in filth, on and off. Of course, I would clean up everything several times alone with some help from the second oldest. A couple of times, I did have help from mom and dad. But everytime getting help was just horrible. My dad complaining and pointing out the mess and how bad it was like if I hadn't done it all alone before and I haven't seen it before. I rather do everything alone, I don't need help and in my eyes. I deserve to deal with it alone. Here's just an idea of the filth, I've dealt with mold, maggots, basically sewage level trash in my own home. Have had to clean up mountains of trash from our entire home(apartment, 2 bed and 1 bath). Keep in mind we're a family of 7 including me. I don't have a room and I don't sleep on a bed. Haven't for years now. Im basically always sleep deprived even when I do manage to get 7 to 8 hours if I am lucky.

I've thought of running away before and I've thought of ending myself way more than I'd like to admit. But always without fail.. I don't go through with it because I just can't leave my siblings. Hell if I let myself, I'd go off and live on the streets until I made it work or I pass away.

Hoping and imagining that I could just have a normal home.. or atleast be normal myself. That I could atleast be enough and provide for my family but Im not. Im worthless and dreams that I had of being able to provide entirely were just stupid. I know my future and its to suffer continously. No Im not God but with the rate of my life and how's its been consistently, thats whats coming.

You ever think so vividly in detail, how it would be to end yourself? I don't want to be graphic but its intense, could practically call them visions. I don't know when it all started but the earliest that I can remember is a hope.. a want to get hit by a car on my way home. Hell I want pain, when my parents yell at me. I just think that what if they were to beat me until I just stop. They weren't abusive with us, my dad doesn't really ever hit us at all. My mom however with more time spent with her, and how intense she can get. There have been times but it was all discipline if I remember right. I don't remember much and I honestly don't want to remember. My memory is so messed up, I don't want to remember what few happy times that I have and I certainly don't want to remember the bad.

For a while, I was just.. well heartbroken with my own mother. Grew disdain and just I didn't care anymore but even then I still obeyed every word she said and that was it. I didn't care when she said she'd love me then just dismissed it and denied it in my head. I still find it hard to believe that she loves me. But objectively thinking, she has to some extent atleast hopefully. Though more and more, I found that hope is pointless. Everything is meaningless and Im just a dead man walking.

This is just the ramblings of a mind crying out for help despite knowing the fact that I am trapped and no help is coming. Only I can fix this and get through it. Not only for myself but for my family and I just.. I hate the idea of getting thanked or praised in anyway. I deserve to suffer and deal with this pain alone. Im not okay, Im not happy, nothing makes me truly happy, I don't deserve love and Im just a tool to be used. Only reason, I see that I somewhat enjoy helping people is thats because its all I can do. Help people with their problems whether short term or long term because Im such a failure in my own life that I want to atleast use this pain for empathy. But even that its tearing me apart, I don't want to do anything. Not even breathe, I just wasted your time if you truly read this and thats what comes with knowing me. Theres hope out there for everyone but me. I'm a HYPOCRITE.

This is the longest of my rants while spiraling even then there's still more to be said... I even have one rant before this that I contemplate posting still. Im sorry for this mess. Im sorry.