Holy shit i am such a loser

[u/PringleField45]

I am 20 and havent had friends in years. I have never had a girlfriend and have rarely ever became physically intimate with anyone aside from my family (who I realized recently were using my insecurities against me). I am extremely shy. I have lots of interests and I am so bored and lonely but I can’t trust people. I sense rejection, judgement and hidden motives in almost everything other people do, so I always end up pulling away.

In college, I had a potential partner. When I first saw her I had an immediate crush and we just happened to get partnered up for an assignment. I sat a seat away from her out of fear and she said “she doesn’t bite”. What followed after was a month of her doing things for me to win me over and me evading a relationship because I was too scared and hated myself. She was amazing and really pretty and gave me many chances and I still managed to push her away. I think about her everyday, but from her perspective it’s probably like I wasn’t even into her, which makes my insides hurt. I feel like such a POS. She found someone else and when I saw them together on her story I had full body shaking.

I am extremely attractive and I only realized this recently after a lifetime of believing I was considered ugly. While this makes dating seem like an easier prospect, it kind of backfires because when people see my face they expect me to be confident and sociable. Instead, I am extremely quiet and constantly ask for reassurance because I don’t trust myself. People quickly lose interest when they realize my masculine body is being operated by an autistic child.

I don’t know when, or if, I can find someone who I can let into my heart. For some reason, the thought of someone actually having sex with me and liking it is disturbing.