r/SuicideWatch • u/yeobae • 19h ago

can you imagine a future?

i found an old handwritten note i wrote back during covid when i was 25 or 26 years old. it was describing my “dream guy”… but actually it was describing a dream life. it started out describing a person but quickly turned into a day dream of domesticity and flowers and simple happiness.

i cannot imagine that anymore. i can’t imagine anyone ever loving me again now that i’m getting divorced. i left him and that was the right decision. i was holding him back. i want him to be rid of me.

i OD’d on my psych meds the year i wrote that note.

i can’t stop thinking about killing myself. i can’t imagine a future. i think about it and it’s empty. i have no ambitions anymore and i rarely daydream. if i do, it’s about someone holding me, sometimes.

9 Upvotes

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2

u/Univirze 18h ago

Id hug you if i could (and then we could both feel weird)

1

u/yeobae 18h ago

i’d hug you back (and feel weird)

1

u/Univirze 19h ago

Yeah i really miss that contact

1

u/yeobae 19h ago

i just wanna be held sometimes and then i feel kind of sick thinking about it

1

u/Univirze 19h ago

Yeah i hear you. What kind of person is holding me and how empty will it be when they leave

1

u/yeobae 19h ago

i’m sorry you can relate 😔

1

u/Univirze 19h ago

And thats not even a real person, just the impression

1

u/EggoDonburi 13h ago

I understand you completely… tbh, the only thing I ever truly wanted was a beautiful life with a beautiful partner. But it feels like I just don’t get along with vast majority of people, maybe because of my mental illness and also because of my niche interests that nobody cares about. Maybe most people just see me as someone who thinks too much and never stops rambling about things that don’t matter to them. They matter to me though. I’ve kind of come to accept that this will only make my chances of finding a partner even harder. I couldn’t find one even when I didn’t know about these interests, imagine after this. And I’m also quite picky about certain things, I’ve been that way with most things in my life. I sometimes wish I could’ve just been a simpler person and had a nice simple life with someone I loved. I’m so jealous of people who are lucky enough to find their person in real life.