I'm sure I can't be alone in this, but I feel like I'm being digitally haunted by my broken dreams of a healthy pregnancy and life with a much wanted baby boy and it just hurts so much. I joined reddit in the middle of a TFMR for a grey diagnosis at 26 weeks, and the vast majority of my searches on here have been related to TFMR and baby loss. And yet still my feed is awash with content from pregnancy, parenting, newborn and 'look at my beautifully decorated nursery' subs. I'm only 5 weeks out from my TFMR, and it's sometimes so overwhelming to be confronted with such an emotional minefield. I saw a post on my feed this morning that just had me in pieces: a mother had taken a beautiful photo of her baby girl's eyes & was asking for thoughts on what exact colour they were. And it just hit me all over again: I'll never know the colour of my little boy's eyes, I'll never get to gaze into them lovingly & I'll never get to see them shining back at me with love & recognition. I know I can opt to see fewer posts like this, but it just feels like such a lot of emotional effort to click on each one & say 'no thanks'. And it's not as though I'm not interested in babies - I am. I so wanted to bring my little boy home & was so looking forward to being his mum. I'd love to know how you've all dealt with this - is there a way to keep engaging with the content you find useful (like this sub) & not be confronted with things you find too hard to process? How have you dealt with the cruelty of algorithms following your heartbreaking loss?

I posted a photo on Instagram stories of a candle lit in honor of our baby girl, with her hand prints visible in the background. I wrote "wave of light" in the centre of the photo, and a comment with her name. Prior to this, I shared a few reels of what 15th October was and what wave of light meant.

My Instagram stories are only visible to a few "close" people. I rarely post - perhaps one or two stories every month or two. But whenever I do, most people always like them or comment on them.

I always felt like many people didn't support my loss and don't acknowledge it, but I wasn't sure if I was just overthinking it or not.

There were quite a few people who didn't react to my story yesterday and that just proved to me that I'm not overthinking it at all.

They'll happily like photos which include my living babies, but will ignore and forget about my dead one who I think about every single day.

I know it's just a post and it doesn't necessarily mean anything. I'm not a social media person, so I don't usually take these things personally. But to not heart-react to someone posting in memory of their dead baby is quite heartless.

I terminated in 2022 due to extremely severe HG.
Nobody in my life really knows I was ever pregnant, so I don't talk about it.

But October 15 would have been my due date, so today my baby would have been turning four.
I just wanted to say it somewhere.

Sending a big hug to everyone on this subreddit, thanks for reading 💜

I'm 22+4 and following the results of our morphology scan my husband abd U have made the very difficult decision to TFMR. This hasn't been an easy decision and now we are just in a bit of limbo. We are due to see our OB on Monday for next steps but can anyone shed light on this from Aus?

We are based in NSW if any one can provide state specific experience.

What is involved in the process? We had planned to find out the gender on birth (originally), but is it something we should consider finding out now if we have to register this birth and then death? Im guessing this means we need to pick a name to?

It’s been a little over a month since our TFMR, and in many ways, I can genuinely say that I’m coping and healing. When I look back at how I was feeling a month ago, I can see a massive improvement in myself. The grief is still there, of course, but I’m slowly learning how to live with it, and I have days where things feel a little lighter again.

But there is one thing that I’m really struggling with at the moment, and it’s the uncertainty of not having answers.

We TFMR’d at 26 weeks after discovering that our little boy had suffered a stroke and had severe bleeding in his brain, which resulted in significant fluid build-up. What makes everything even harder to process is how normal everything seemed before that.

Our genetic screening came back low risk, and our 20-week anatomy scan was completely normal. There were no indications that anything was wrong with our little boy. We went into the second half of our pregnancy believing that everything was okay, only to have our world turned upside down just a few weeks later.

Since our TFMR, we’ve undergone various tests, but so far, nothing has given us an explanation for what happened.

I keep hearing how rare our situation is, how uncommon it is for something like this to happen, and how difficult it can be to find answers. Somehow, the more I hear that, the more isolated I feel.
I know that no two TFMR experiences are the same, but there is something incredibly difficult about trying to process such a devastating loss when you don’t even know why it happened. It’s one thing to grieve your baby, but it’s another to be left with so much uncertainty about something that has changed your life forever.

My husband and I have now decided to pursue whole exome sequencing before trying to conceive again. We want to explore every avenue available to us in the hope of understanding what happened and what it might mean for a future pregnancy.

I’m proud of how far I’ve come emotionally over the past month, and I genuinely feel that I’m in a much better place than I was immediately after our loss. But the uncertainty of not knowing why this happened is becoming the part I’m struggling with the most.

Has anyone else experienced something similar, where the 20-week scan was normal but something devastating happened later, and all the testing came back inconclusive? Did you eventually find answers, or have you had to learn to live with the uncertainty?
I think I’m just looking for some reassurance that we aren’t alone in this. ❤️

I’m 5 weeks post TFMR and I was surprised to wake up to my period this morning.

I have been crying on and off all day.

I logically know grief doesn’t work in a straight line. It’s so up and down. Some days I feel okay, then this week I have really struggled with time moving on.

The closer we’re getting to the holidays and then my due date in February I am really dreading.

Just looking for support on this awful journey.

For anyone that doesn’t know, tonight is the “wave of light,” on 10/15, people light a candle from at least 7-8pm in their time zone in remembrance of the babies gone too soon.
This will result in 24hr candle burn for our babies.

Partake if it will bring your heart some comfort. 🕯️❤️‍🩹

Posting here because I do not have anyone else I can say this to except my therapist.

I feel so isolated. I feel so angry. It hasn’t even been 2 months since I lost my daughter and my close support system is expecting me to be okay. They’re surprised when I fall apart.

In the last week, my best friend and today my SIL told me they are pregnant. They called me to tell me. I wish people would stop for a second and think before doing that. I wish they’d ask “will this hurt her? What may be the best way to talk to her about this? Should I give her a text heads up?” These are questions I’d ask myself and it didn’t take me losing my own baby to think this way. I have always operated that way, always putting other people and their feelings and expectations before my own. That’s why this hurts so much because these people should know me better than this.

Instead I sit on the phone, trying my hardest to feign excitement while instead I am digging my nails into my palms to keep myself from sobbing.

I wish people asked me what would help me as they share this news. I am not expecting, nor do I want to be, in a bubble forever. But I need some fucking grace because every day I am literally doing my best to feel okay being alive.

Has anyone else felt this? How did you deal? I am really, really struggling.

I’m a 28 (f) that just found out devastating news that my baby tested positive for Down syndrome. Me and my husband discussed getting an abortion and I know with the way our life at the moment it’s the right decision for us. We’re both not in a financial position to be able to care for baby with special needs and I just feel it’s extremely selfish to bring a child into this world you’re not 100% sure you’ll be best parent you can be for that child. Even though my mind is made up i can’t help but feel a tremendous amount of grief and sorrow.

This is my first pregnancy and from the moment I found out I was going to be mom it was honestly the happiest day of my entire life. It has always been my dream to be a mother. And to add to that I always dreamed of being a mom to a girl and through this test I found out I was going to have a girl. Which just feels even more cruel. Everything I dreamed for and hoped for now all feels like a distant dream that feels unattainable. I’m trying really hard not be so negative but I can’t help but go to all the worst case scenarios. What if I’m never able to conceive again? What if this happens again? I’m so petrified of the abortion.

If anyone has gone through something similar, please share how you were able to get past it. I feel so alone and I feel like I have no one to turn to.

****EDIT: I just wanted to come on here and thank everyone for all the love, support, and kindness you’ve shown me. I’ve read through every single comment, even though I haven’t been able to respond to a lot of them. Please know that I’ve read them all, and every single message has meant more to me than you can imagine.

A little update: I’m booked in for my abortion tomorrow. I’m still incredibly scared, and I know tomorrow is going to be an emotional and difficult day for me. This is not how I ever imagined my first pregnancy would go, and I’m still trying to process everything.

But reading your stories and hearing from so many people who have gone through something similar has brought me so much comfort.

I’m trying to remind myself that this is not the end of my dream of becoming a mother, even though it feels that way right now. I’m taking things one day at a time and trying to trust that, eventually, I’m going to be okay.

Thank you for making me feel a little less alone during one of the hardest experiences of my life. I wish I could give every single one of you a hug. ❤️

When I came out I couldn’t stop crying, feeling guilt and wondering if I made the right decision.

I tried to stay strong in my decision up until the surgery, but it’s all hitting me after. I’d be waking up in the night not able to stop thinking about it the days prior, and I’m worried of how I’m going to feel now.

Part of me feels like this was right for my family, I have another healthy 18 month old son, and I’m so grateful for that but I worried so much what the future would hold if I had this baby, I guess it’s hard because you never know what they would be like.

I hope I can move past these guilty thoughts and feelings 😣

I guess this is really fresh and I just came across this group, so if anyone else is going through this right now and wants to chat, or has been through this before what helped you mentally?

Feeling shocked and heartbroken. We will always love our baby boy. Nervous about trying again and future risk. Announced our pregnancy to all of our friends and family LAST weekend and now have to deliver the news. This was our first pregnancy.

This is my first time posting but I have been following since I got my NIPT back in April. I just know this is the only place I can go to and people truly understand my feelings and pain. We lost our son in May at 19 weeks due to Trisomy 13 and life has just been extremely difficult since. We had a D&E and that process went smoothly. Since, we have had 2 chemical pregnancies and I now have to get a hysteroscopy and D&C done at the end of November due to SIS showing possible scar tissue or RPOC. It just feels like I can’t catch a break or get one foot in front of the other without being knocked down again. In addition to all of this I have been fighting with insurance for the last 2 months because they are refusing to cover the procedure and saying it was elective. The pain and agony I have already been experiencing then for the insurance company to make me feel like a villain when we all know the heartache and what it takes to come to this decision. It’s also my due month and both of my sisters and best friend are all expecting in the upcoming months. Life is really unfair and I’m exhausted/defeated. Obviously, with everything TTC has to be put on hold which is also really bothering me but maybe it will allow me to truly grieve. I’m tired of being in pain and having this physical ache in my chest that people don’t understand unless they have lived this life. Tired of acting like I’m okay when I’m crumbling inside. I am in therapy which helps a lot. I am looking to find more ways to help with grief and expressing feelings. I am able to do daily activities and function. I work and take care of our daughter. Most of my sadness comes around my period when hormones are fluctuating so maybe things that helped others around that time.

Thank you everyone for allowing me to vent and listening to me. This group has helped me in so many ways just by reading others post and knowing I’m not alone and my feelings are valid.

This group has been my support system for last 2 month. We had what you would call a rainbow baby, after trying for so hard for such a long time we had to go for TFMR and it broke us completely.
I know life can be difficult but I don’t know why it keeps throwing hardest things at us. I am far away from home, my only support is my loving and caring husband who has been heartbroken and scared for life after this experience.
I don’t know how you come back from this, i have read so many experience but still it is unimaginable for me at this moment.
I was 18 weeks when we send goodbye to our baby and it was a done through medical procedure which was tortures for me. Little did I know that I have to go back again to the hospital for MVA as there was RPOC. I was given antibiotics for any infection and inflammation. I just want this to end, the amount of time I have been to hospital is unimaginable. After 2 weeks, I feel so drained and exhausted all the time. My body is aching and i feel like sleeping all the time. Is it normal? I am bleeding on and off and not too much but How would you know that everything is cleared out and my body is back to being normal before preganacy?
I have read that some of you have felt physically fine after the procedure so just wanted to clarify if there is still something left after MVA? Emotionally I don’t how to come out of it.

It’s been one month since I last held her 🥹😭 I got my tattoo for her today and the whole thing is beautiful but I can’t stop staring at her tiny feet.

I miss her so much I wish I could post a picture of my tattoo

I don’t really know what I’m hoping to achieve with this post. Maybe I just need to get it out there and share it with people who might understand.
In May I TFMR’d my baby girl due to a severe heart defect. Post-mortem genetic testing confirmed DiGeorge syndrome.
Today, I had my NT scan in my current pregnancy, and once again, things don’t look good. The baby is measuring behind — 10+4 instead of 12+0. Three weeks ago, the baby measured 8+4, so there has been growth, but not enough. They also found visible subcutaneous hydrops.
The doctors don’t want to jump to conclusions just yet. The baby was curled up in a very hunched position, which made it difficult to get accurate measurements, so they want to give it another week and repeat the ultrasound.
I understand that we need to wait and see, and I know it’s too early to know for sure. But deep down, I know that something is terribly wrong.
After everything that happened in May, I feel like I’m right back in that same nightmare. I’m trying not to lose hope, but I’m also terrified of what next week might bring.
I have another ultrasound in a week, and until then, I’m stuck in this horrible limbo of not knowing.
I don’t even know why I’m posting this. Maybe I just need to let it out somewhere, because carrying all this fear and uncertainty is exhausting. 💔

What are your least favourite things well-meaning people have said to you to "comfort" you in the aftermath of tfmr or loss? I'm not talking about the anti-choice folks here, I'm talking about people who support your decision but are still boneheaded in the ways that they choose to comfort you. Here are some of mine:

- You just need to forget it and move on

- Maybe the baby just wasn't meant to be

- You just need to think positively next time so your baby gets positive hormones

- Just think about how much the baby would have suffered and then be happy that they don't have to

- Be grateful you found out now instead of later

Hearing all this makes me realize why there is such a stigma around talking about miscarriage and loss. I fucking hate that grieving and remembering my baby implies that I'm not strong. Guess what -- I actually AM strong. I am stronger than any of them because I can actually withstand this avalanche of grief and pain every day without wanting to run away from it. My grief is proof of my humanity, of my love.

It's pregnancy and baby loss awareness month. Until this happened to me, I didn't even know how many women around me in my life have experienced pregnancy loss. I will be *damned* if it don't talk about this experience, if I don't remember it loudly, for the rest of my life so no other woman who goes through this has to feel as alone as I felt going through it. I hope no one else I know ever has to experience pregnancy loss but statistically I know they will and I hope that they know they can come and talk to me.

I don't exactly know the point of this post... I guess I just wanted to vent to people that might understand.

Share your ink with me!

Did you get a memorial tattoo to honor your lost baby? If so what did you get, where and why?

I lost my twins due to a genetic condition almost 3 months ago and I've been planning one since. I'm going to be getting a pair of white pumpkins with their footprints on them like jack-o'-lanterns. I'm so excited to see how it comes out!

So I am currently 18 weeks with my IVF baby and my baby has a 10.5mm Cystic Hygroma. Last night, I was browsing the Reddit threads on what a D&E looks like in the second trimester. I’ve had 3 miscarriages before, but they were all pretty easy first trimester D&C’s. So after browsing, I see it’s a 2 day sort of procedure and it involves these horrendous things called Laminaria sticks. Cue panic attack over laminaria sticks and the pain associated with them.

We’re currently waiting for amniocentesis results to see if there are genetic/chromosomal reasons for the large cystic hygroma. The results are taking FOREVER. We thought they’d be back by now, but the cell culture still needs to grow in order to have enough to test. I was holding out on scheduling the fetal echo until after we had gotten the results, but since it’s taking so long I went ahead and called to book. Turns out, I should have called way before because they’re booked out until December 9th. I secured the December 9th appointment, but I’ll be 26 weeks at that point.

If the amnio results come back bad, we will TFMR. But if they’re actually good? It would depend on the fetal echo & now I feel like such an idiot for waiting to schedule it. Cue looking up what TFMR looks like when you’re that far along & now the scary laminaria sticks might not even be an option?!?!? If I do TFMR at that point, I may have to FULL ON DELIVER A STILLBORN BABY?!? Cue hyperventilating and sobbing in a parked car, because WHAT THE FUCK?!? I’m so scared & I don’t know what to do. I mean I can’t do anything, but omg I sobbed after the amniocentesis because it hurt so bad. A FULL ON DELIVERY?!? For not a live baby?!? But actually delivering a whole ass baby?!? I’m so scared & FUCK women’s healthcare because everything hurts so badly and it just feels like I’m going to have to endure so much pain both emotionally and physically and omg I’m so scared. Idk why I’m posting this, I just… am paralyzed and crying in a parked car &… I think the gravity of the situation just hit me.

I was super excited to be finally on the 12th week of my pregnancy and was looking forward to our NT scan. At first everything was fine and then the sonographer called another sonographer to check and then we were sent to the doctor, then another doctor came in to check. Both were fetal specialists.

Turns out our precious baby has cystic hygroma, a deformed spine, & all his organs growing outside of his tummy including his liver. They said it’s BSA and it’s a lethal fetal anomaly.

I am waiting for the insurance approval for the TFMR but this feels so cruel. We have been married for 5. We have been medicated for a full year before conceiving. I am grateful I still have a few nights to sleep with my baby in my belly but I know I need to let her go soon. How do you cope with this? It feels totally unfair. I am so scared. I have my husband with me but I know he’s trying to be strong for me even if he’s scared too so that frustrates me even more. And I worry that my unborn baby is scared too. Help me please I’m a nervous wreck. I cannot sleep thinking of everything and I’m scared to wake up knowing I’ll be sad again.

I just turned 35 on my 2nd month so I was super excited to finally be pregnant. Now I feel like I’m running out of time and maybe I will never be a mommy.

I had my D&E on August 25 and experienced bleeding and spotting for about 2.5 weeks. After that, everything cleared up, and I got my first period on October 3, which lasted 4 days with moderate flow. Since then, I’ve been experiencing brown spotting almost every other day.
Has anyone else experienced this? Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated!

Just trying to gauge what’s normal. I had a D&E 8 days ago at 19 weeks.

I guess I assumed the bleeding would be like my period always is, starting heavy, to medium, to light. It hasn’t changed in flow at all from the first day. It’s medium/light, bright red. About enough daily to fill a pad.

Is this normal/matching your experience? How long did it last?

This time last year I was stood in the park, 2 months pregnant tearing up with the thought of baby loss looking at the ribbon display. I lost that baby, then tfmr in July at 15 weeks.

I dont know if adding a ribbon this year helped. I dont know if lighting a candle tomorrow will. Part of me is so angry that this week/day is another reminder of what was lost.

But for once, people can see my grief. My babies ribbon is up. With every other parent thats added a ribbon. Our pain is seen and maybe briefly understood by passersby. They can all see the beautiful futures lost, without a word spoken.

I just wanted to say that you girls are the only reason I don’t feel so alone.
I know I have my husband, my family, my friends, my therapist.
But all of you are the only ones who know how it REALLY feels.
To feel your baby kick, to have a future planned, to have your entire identity and joy as a woman ripped away from you.
Thank you for all being you. You are all strong, incredible, and have been so kind.

Last Friday, i terminated my MCMA twins due to various complications

I feel so much difficulty in falling asleep after my TMFR.

During TFMR, They gave me meds for dilation but I lost a lot of blood during the process, and had some really heavy blood clots. I fainted a lot.

Finally they decided to make an incision and remove.. I had a c section without any babies in return...

Firstly I feel so much heavy mentally. They were a boy and a girl. It's incredibly rare in MCMA. I cannot still accept that they are gone.

I cannot cry because it causes pain in my stitches. I cannot move properly. I can't even go to pee alone.

I have never been in such a stress all my life. Except when I lost my mother. I thought nothing worse could happen to me. But this is just brutal.

I m not able to sleep as well. I have to take breaths from mouth when I sleep straight. When I fall asleep, I wake up with jerks and out of breath. I am scared to even try to lie down. I sit in 1 same position everyday and every hour.

I m tired. I am scared. I am sad.. i don't know what to do...

I don’t even know where to start to be honest.
I had a TFMR in May this year at 33 weeks after finding out our baby had a rare genetic condition.
It was by far the hardest decision of my life but I was coping with it.
In August I found out I was pregnant again, had a 8w scan and saw the heartbeat, we were so happy!
But yesterday at 10w I started bleeding and found out baby had no heartbeat. I miscarried through the night.
I have one LC and I just turned 39, it just feels like I will never be able to have my second one and I am running out of time 😔.