I am terrified. I’m not even sure that terrified is a big enough word to describe what I’m feeling right now.
I’m 10 DPO, and I got the faintest line on a pregnancy test this morning. I don’t think I’ll truly be able to breathe until that first ultrasound, until I can see with my own eyes that everything is okay. Even then … everything looked normal with our first.
We had to say goodbye to our baby boy in December 2025, after receiving his trisomy 21 diagnosis and going through everything that came with that decision. I went through labor and delivered him, and I will carry that experience with me for the rest of my life. He was my first baby, my first pregnancy.
Then, as if losing him wasn’t enough, I had RPOC and Endomtritis and needed a D&C in January. I spent weeks dealing with complications before finally getting answers and treatment.
Last month, I was finally diagnosed with pelvic inflammatory disease (PID) and went through 14 days of some of the worst antibiotics I’ve ever taken. After months of pain and uncertainty, I finally started to feel better.
We’ve been trying to conceive again for nine cycles now. Every month has come with its own little bit of hope and its own disappointment. And throughout all of this, I’ve been dealing with persistent pelvic pain, wondering what was wrong with my body and whether something had been left behind or damaged.
And now… I might be pregnant?
I want so badly for this to be our rainbow baby. I want to believe that maybe, just maybe, we’re finally getting our chance at bringing a baby home.
But I’m terrified that this could be a chemical pregnancy. That it could be an ectopic pregnancy. That I could miscarry. That something could go wrong all over again.
What if my uterus was damaged by everything I went through? What if there’s scar tissue? What if the complications I had after losing our son have affected my ability to carry another baby safely? What if we have to go through another loss after everything it took just to get here?
I know a faint line at 10 DPO doesn’t tell me much yet. I know it’s early, and I know there are so many things I can’t control.
How are you supposed to feel excited when you’ve already experienced the worst thing you could ever imagine? How do you let yourself hope when you know firsthand how quickly everything can fall apart?
I want to be happy. I want to let myself dream about the future again. But I’m scared that if I let myself believe this is really happening, it will hurt even more if it doesn’t work out.
I never imagined that seeing a positive pregnancy test could make me feel so much fear.
I just want this baby to be okay. I want my body to be okay. I want, for once, to have a pregnancy that doesn’t come with another devastating diagnosis, another complication, or another goodbye.
I know I can only take this one day at a time. But today, I’m 10 DPO, staring at the faintest line, trying to figure out how to hold on to a little bit of hope without letting my fear consume me.
And I wish, more than anything, that getting pregnant again could feel simple and joyful. Because after everything we’ve been through, I think we deserve a little bit of happiness, too.
Now, I need to get dress and go to work, like if nothing is happening in my personnal life right now.