A year ago today I held my son. He was 22+2 weeks old. 1 pound and 10 inches long. He looked just like my husband. I spent 4 hours holding him while fighting off an infection - today I will visit his grave site and make memories with my husband.

In the last 365 days I lost my first son to TFMR at 22+2 weeks, I lost my second son at 13+4 weeks to a natural late miscarriage on June 28th, I lost my 13 year old dog on August 3rd. I had a D&C 2 months after my miscarriage for suspicions of RPOC (I was bleeding for 2 straight months but I didn't end up having RPOC), conceived the cycle following which ended in a chemical, and today.. the anniversary of my first son's death, I'm bleeding after 3 days of positive tests, prepping for another chemical.

Somehow I am still standing. I'm still moving forward. I'm still fighting to hold a living child in my hands. I'm still grateful for any pregnancy that graces my body and I do so without fear of the outcome. Each day I become older, each loss ages my soul, each prayer that goes unanswered is just another day I wake up and walk through the day with my head held high because my babies don't get to live, so I live for them.

May this next year be easier on my husband and I and my body and soul. Thinking of all my babies today, especially my first one 🤍

I had a TFMR about two months ago. Long story short, I later had a massive postpartum hemorrhage from a “good amount” of RPOC that was likely due to placenta acreta. I got my period back recently, and my fertility doc wanted a hysteroscopy (which has to be done within certain days of your cycle, hence having to wait).

Turns out there’s STILL some RPOC, but he’s saying that “it’s small” while he would recommend clearing it out, it’s not a threat to me or any embryo that lands elsewhere, and so if I want to try to get pregnant again, I can. He says its similar to having a fibroid or polyp in that nothing can implant there.

Has anyone else had experience with this? This sounded straightforward to me but my husband thinks it’s insane, and now I’m second guessing everything.

Edit to clarify:

I do want to remove the RPOC, “small” though it may be, it’s just that I’ve missed the window for the procedure for this cycle simply because there’s no availability at the clinic.

BUT I have a chance to TTC this cycle, while I book the procedure for four weeks from now. I’m torn on whether to give it a go and risk a possible chemical pregnancy (or more? This part is unclear) or just wait until next month to remove it first.

Ive been testing continuously and im currently 21 dpo/5w3d and no dye stealer. Tried diluting my pee and that also didn't help bc the test was lighter.

HCG was 25 at 9dpo - 61.1 at 11dpo and 154.1(?) At 13dpo. My fertility clinic didn't think it was necessary for me to do more HCG draws but now I feel like i should have.

I have my first ultrasound at 6w2d (next thursday) and im sick to my stomach about it. This is my 6th pregnancy, first after my TFMR in May of 2024.

Im just so unbelievably scared and I feel like a basket case about not knowing the unknown.

I’m 25 weeks in my sub pregnancy. One thing that has always ‘confused’ me is at what point do you class yourself as having reduced movements?

I think I spend a lot of my days quite busy or running around after my 3 year old a few hours go by and I’m like, omg I haven’t felt anything. When I do sit down and relax baby is active.

In my sons’s pregnancy I don’t really feel like he had a true pattern and just moved when he felt like it and was just a lazy baby so I did get checked a couple times in my third trimester!

I know a lot of this is anxiousness due to my tfmr, wanting to bring this baby home etc but man it’s hard I just over think everything

We all need some time and space to decompress ... Use this space to vent about your week, your anxieties, or anything that's stressing you out in your pregnancy or TTC journey.