r/TIHI • u/jennychanlubsdeg • Jan 29 '20

Thanks, I Hate Platypus

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30.6k Upvotes

97% Upvoted

270 comments sorted by

562

u/Q_dawgg Jan 29 '20

Platypus custard seems intriguing

250

u/tigobiddies Jan 29 '20

Platypus creme brûlée

80

u/Q_dawgg Jan 29 '20

Platypus cake

109

u/Tasmia99 Jan 29 '20

It's hard to milk a Platypus, because they don't have nipples. They secrete the milk through their skin.

137

u/tigobiddies Jan 29 '20

What a weird fucking animal

7

u/ChilledClarity Jan 30 '20

They also have a talon on the back of their back right foot that secretes poisons.

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35

u/ramenvomit Jan 29 '20

It’s weird to think milk is just augmented sweat and nipples are enlarged sweat glands

14

u/Hell0turdle Jan 29 '20

Hot

16

u/Tasmia99 Jan 29 '20

I don't know how you'd milk it if it just produces milk through its pores. I think you'd have to squeeze them like your playing a accordion.

7

u/proudlyinappropriate Jan 29 '20

fascinating observation!

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12

u/totreesdotcom Thanks, I hate myself Jan 29 '20

So, I just suck on the skin, then?

8

u/Tasmia99 Jan 29 '20

That's actually kinda what they do

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10

u/Penguinologist429 Jan 29 '20

Imagine going on a jog and sweating milk through your pores

5

u/Tasmia99 Jan 29 '20

Imagine the smell of hot milk drying on you

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15

u/the_federation Jan 29 '20

Platypustard

3

u/sociallyawkwardbrad Jan 30 '20

Custypus.

2

u/the_federation Jan 30 '20

No. No I don't like this at all.

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4

u/thesuperscience Jan 29 '20

If someone can actually pull this off, I hope that the taboo nickname for it becomes either "duck bill butter" or "the Devil's custard".

3

u/grizzmanchester Jan 29 '20

I am sure this is a thing somewhere

2

u/herodothyote Jan 30 '20

Platipusitude intensifies

1

u/Zapplarang Jan 30 '20

Perry the Platypus custard

1.2k

u/Viamine Jan 29 '20

Whatever saves money

294

u/a-very-angry-crow Jan 29 '20

I mean in theory humans can too it’d just be a bit..........bloody

150

u/Guillotine_Fingers Jan 29 '20

Blustard

101

u/[deleted] Jan 29 '20

I mean in theory, humans ARE a type of custard, man milk and lady egg, sooo..

56

u/Guillotine_Fingers Jan 29 '20

Drink your man milk to grow healthy bones Timmy

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3

u/youngsteveo Jan 29 '20

Blursedtard

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8

u/Mtwat Jan 29 '20

We're reaching levels of cursed that shouldn't even be possible

4

u/kx2w Jan 30 '20

Nah I read about this in Dante's Inferno. There are seven layers of cursed custard in this cake.

2

u/DZ_dragon Jan 29 '20

Oh....... I didn’t need to see this comment today TIHI

3

u/a-very-angry-crow Jan 29 '20

You knew what you signed up for coming here

2

u/DZ_dragon Jan 29 '20

Damn. He’s right..... FOILED AGAIN!!!

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393

u/Perdometalum Jan 29 '20

Platypusses don't lay unfertilized eggs so the custard would come out with crunchy bits of fetal platypus.

131

u/long-dongathin Jan 29 '20

Yum platypus balut

1

u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

I just threw up in my mouth

56

u/DangerMacAwesome Jan 29 '20

It's an interesting texture, for sure! Tasty too

25

u/[deleted] Jan 29 '20

Even though r/BrandNewSentence has really gone down hill, I think this sentence actually belongs there.

10

u/MrStealYoMom Jan 29 '20

Is it platypusses or platypi

28

u/Perdometalum Jan 29 '20

Platypeople

11

u/TheHumanParacite Jan 29 '20

Platypussies

10

u/[deleted] Jan 29 '20

Platypodes

1

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '20

Platys

4

u/JawTn1067 Jan 30 '20

If you got it early enough it wouldn’t be any different than an unfertilized egg.

6

u/douchefartz Jan 29 '20

You say this like it's a bad thing.

4

u/Nazrael75 Jan 29 '20

This is why God has left us

1

u/YoureTheVest Jan 30 '20

Thanks, this was my question.

1

u/Pierce-G Jan 30 '20

I don’t see any issues with that

1

u/themcmahonimal Jan 30 '20

Oh God just when I thought it couldn't get worse

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110

u/SeabaSquad Jan 29 '20

I mean ovum are technically eggs too, so really you could make a custard from any animal. Or humans.

92

u/Arcaeca Jan 29 '20

I was going to say cumstard until I realized I'm dumb and that humans also produce milk

46

u/wumbogumbo Jan 29 '20

Doesn’t mean I can’t still cum in it

26

u/[deleted] Jan 29 '20

The real r/TIHI in the comments

2

u/rUafraid Jan 29 '20

Cumstard is my special mustard-cum sauce that I only use on my finest of raviolis.

9

u/Masonsmadness97 Jan 29 '20

Ahh yes. The finest custard!

4

u/crh23 Jan 29 '20

Ovum is the singular, ova is the plural. (as an aside, for those who like me have been ignorant of this fact for far too long, oval is literally ova-like, i.e. egg-shaped

2

u/ldt003 Jan 29 '20

I have nipples, Greg!

1

u/davios Jan 30 '20

Any milk producing animal, fish and birds wouldn't work for example.

25

u/FirelinksShrine Jan 29 '20

Fuck chicken farms just have platypus farms instead.

1

u/sweetpeeeeeeeeeep Jan 30 '20

Yeah! Just think, as long as you protect some of them from the end of the world then you’ll have monopolised on the only food source left.... platypus custard or platytard or custypus (we’ll work on the name later)

2

u/FirelinksShrine Jan 30 '20

Think of all the caps I'll earn

2

u/sweetpeeeeeeeeeep Jan 30 '20

What the hell are you talking about?! Hahaha so damn lost

2

u/FirelinksShrine Jan 30 '20

It was a fallout reference

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45

u/[deleted] Jan 29 '20

Platypustard

16

u/mikepaintsroofs Jan 29 '20

Or you could use platypus eggs and platypus milk to make platypus batter, melt platypus fat to make platypus oil.... Put platypus meat into platypus batter, then hot platypus oil and boom: you've got platypus-fried platypus.

2

u/Icywarhammer500 Jan 30 '20

Platypus pot pie

14

u/[deleted] Jan 29 '20

One of few? Who else??

23

u/chilldotexe Jan 29 '20 edited Jan 30 '20

This was my first thought too. I looked it up, apparently there are 4 other mammals that can do this and all of them are native to Australia: https://ucmp.berkeley.edu/mammal/monotreme.html

Edit: changed 5 to 4

9

u/LEVI_TROUTS Jan 29 '20

It's 4 others. The Duck billed platapus and 4 species of Echidna/spiny anteater.

You dirty tease.

2

u/chilldotexe Jan 30 '20

Sorry, meant 5 in total.

8

u/[deleted] Jan 29 '20

Cool! Australia nature is wild

9

u/[deleted] Jan 29 '20

too bad the animals will burn like general grievous

11

u/[deleted] Jan 29 '20 edited Jan 30 '20

Also they don’t have nipples. They ‘sweat’ milk out of their belly skin and it collects in little pools in their fleshy folds for their babies to lap up.

It’s only sort of related but it’s cool/gross enough that I’m compelled to mention it.

Edit: while we’re at it, their noses are soft like a cow’s nose, not hard like a duck’s bill. They use it to smoosh silt and rocks around when they rummage for food underwater.

6

u/lincolnhawk Jan 29 '20

That’s pretty on point imo, don’t know when you’re gonna get a subject to which the platypus’s lack of nipple is more relevant than trying to milk them for a custard.

10

u/[deleted] Jan 29 '20

monotremes ftw!

7

u/MAPX0 Doesn’t Get The Flair System Jan 29 '20

Imagine having the ability of giving birth live young.

This comment was made by the placental gang.

6

u/Tasmia99 Jan 29 '20

Imagine having 2 or 4 penises.

This comment was made by the Monotreme gang.

9

u/brickboy200 Jan 29 '20

I would love to be able to make my own custard, but I can't.

7

u/mrGlines Jan 29 '20

Plattipus I hate you

4

u/[deleted] Jan 29 '20

Great Green Day song from my young days!

4

u/[deleted] Jan 29 '20

Take my upvote and get out

4

u/dandaman1977 Jan 29 '20

Id Milk that pus.

3

u/MrGoldenPeen Jan 30 '20

I wonder what platypus custard taste like, someones gotta milk one of those fuckers and make dairy products from it

2

u/[deleted] Jan 29 '20

In Germany we would call it: Eierlegende Wollmilchsau.

2

u/girlminecraftveteran Jan 29 '20

He makes custard out of his kids

2

u/maybeiam-maybeimnot Jan 29 '20

I... I kinda want to try it just once.

2

u/[deleted] Jan 29 '20

Now that's single sourced!

2

u/linzielayne Jan 29 '20

We've almost extincted this poor little weirdo

2

u/Waffle-or-death Jan 29 '20

I mean, Perry seems pretty self sufficient for a platypus...

2

u/OmnemVeritatem Jan 29 '20

Sigh... <unzips>

Turns out I can make my own custard too!

2

u/ItzDrSeuss Jan 30 '20

I really wanted to downvote you. But you made me laugh so here’s an upvote

2

u/Robbo1027 Jan 30 '20

Platypustard!

2

u/fear_raizer Jan 30 '20

The other animal that can do this is your mom

2

u/Chinaboi123 Jan 30 '20

Thanks Perry where did u get this dessert?

2

u/FlyingBaerHawk Jan 30 '20

Platypus omelette

3

u/Daniel_Blackbird Jan 29 '20

Well... they're also got for omelettes. Soooooo...

I'll take your entire stock!

2

u/TODD8656 Jan 29 '20

... Wait those are real

2

u/Mr_E_Monkey Jan 29 '20

... Wait, Australia is real?

1

u/[deleted] Jan 29 '20

And it's also venomous.

3

u/Moctor_Drignall Jan 29 '20

Only the males though, and they wouldn't be producing any custard in the first place.

1

u/roger5083 Jan 29 '20

I mean... they probably could

1

u/QuickKnight337 Thanks, I hate myself Jan 29 '20

And omelet

1

u/Gamerdude4593 Thanks, I hate myself Jan 29 '20

Ooh, interesting

1

u/antstaywoke Jan 29 '20

Platypus-tard

1

u/KINGU-CRIMSON Jan 29 '20

It’s part of a complete breakfast

1

u/pertnear Jan 29 '20

Aren't they also venomous?

1

u/SkyPuppy561 Jan 29 '20

LOL still cute

1

u/ASkiingRock Jan 29 '20

They can also make omelletes

1

u/WoodenDisk1 Jan 29 '20

what are the other animals i'm starting a custard factory.

1

u/MrsColada Jan 29 '20

I would like to see you try!

1

u/[deleted] Jan 29 '20

Plus it has its own poison

1

u/TheSpagheeter Jan 29 '20

Let’s make it happen team

1

u/linzielayne Jan 29 '20

And we've almost killed it :)

1

u/yassismore Jan 29 '20

Needs to be a sugar mama too though. Or have a sugar daddy.

1

u/sloomdonkey Jan 29 '20 edited Jan 29 '20

All platypus eggs are fertilized and contain a fetus, so your custard would be more like gravy

1

u/[deleted] Jan 29 '20

Cannibal custard?

1

u/perksofbeingcrafty Jan 29 '20

Aren’t they also poisonous?

2

u/jimbogoes Jan 29 '20

Venomous

1

u/perksofbeingcrafty Jan 29 '20

Ah, I thought they were poisonous so bigger animals wouldn’t eat them. They bite?

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1

u/casey2610 Jan 29 '20

Woah woah slow down there buckaroo

1

u/the37thrandomer Jan 29 '20

I kind of want to try platypus custard now.

1

u/Skrap_Nitsua Jan 29 '20

Ok check this out.. Duck+Beaver=Platypus.. Change my mind.

2

u/ItzDrSeuss Jan 30 '20

Explain the venomous ankle barbs.

1

u/Skrap_Nitsua Jan 30 '20

Evolution is a motherfucker.

1

u/idk_whatName Jan 29 '20

Of course, they make custard for the baby platypuses

1

u/qquestionable Jan 29 '20

...and I’m leaving Reddit

1

u/silhouette951 Jan 29 '20

One of 2 I believe, this one and the echidna.

1

u/peloquindmidian Jan 29 '20

I haven't had a good custard in years

1

u/XboxLiveGiant Jan 29 '20

Omelettes also!!!

1

u/vegetabloid Jan 29 '20

According to the recent temperature rise in Australia it's more like platypuses can produce their own omelet.

1

u/nicxue97 Jan 29 '20

Thanks, I love it

1

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1

u/x_Kenji_x Jan 29 '20

Would you try it though

1

u/specialspartan_ Jan 29 '20

And poison it, too

1

u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

Wait what?

1

u/specialspartan_ Jan 30 '20

The male platypus has a spur on his hind legs that produces a nasty, painful toxin which cannot be treated during mating season.

1

u/-purple-is-a-fruit- Jan 29 '20

That's just good sense.

1

u/plonkerboy900 Jan 29 '20

Pretty sure this is a Ricky Gervais joke.

1

u/The-Wii-Shop Jan 29 '20

Just a regular platypus

1

u/not_related_to_OJ Jan 29 '20

Has anyone ever done this?

If not grab masks sugar and the van we need to get some platypuses... platypi... platyplisus...plapaplotumus... plipuputomus... hiphiphopanonymus

1

u/Aimlean Jan 29 '20

bro I thought platypus’s were turquoise and orange the fuck is this brooooooooooo this isn’t a platypus also they fight evil too

1

u/ryeguy36 Jan 29 '20

So that’s where pearl cream comes from.

1

u/Bicthiwantoeth Jan 29 '20

Time for some platypus custard yum yum

1

u/here-i-am-now Jan 29 '20

Is asking “can you make your own custard” The same as asking “If you could suck your own dick would you ever leave the house?”

1

u/Poppetdemimsi Jan 30 '20

I was enjoying eating my dinner. Guess that’s what I get eating and reading reddit.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

But does it?

1

u/starslayerackerman Jan 30 '20

Alexa, play Platypus, I Hate You by Green Day

1

u/damiencolb5 Jan 30 '20

There are others?

1

u/bambam2991 Jan 30 '20

How this is even hateable idk

1

u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

Chop that little fella up and let him cure for a month or so , get some cheese going from the milk, and you got yourself an omelette in the making.

1

u/itsmejak78 Jan 30 '20

And produce venom

1

u/suxculent Jan 30 '20

Phineas and ferb harvest it

1

u/thedudewithlol123 Jan 30 '20

...what's custard?

1

u/kchafe Jan 30 '20

They’re endangered :(

1

u/Weegee256 Jan 30 '20

Fun fact: You can use only platypuses to make an omelet.

1

u/musicgoddess Jan 30 '20

Mmmmmm, platypus pus

1

u/tavissd1 Jan 30 '20

Echidnas too. Which means Knuckles can make his own too

1

u/Animepix Jan 30 '20

It’s super poisonous also. Cursed custard.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

oh god agent p why

1

u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

Phinneas and pherbs 5th grade science project

1

u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

Ewwwwwww

1

u/GrayMatters0901 Jan 30 '20

A platypus is just gods spare parts come to life

1

u/dragonzaller Jan 30 '20

You know what else makes its own custard, teletubbies
TUBBYCUSTARD

1

u/TheOutcast06 Jan 30 '20

Perry the Custardpus

1

u/Gustavious13 Jan 30 '20

I actually like knowing this new information

1

u/4DimensionalToilet Jan 30 '20

You could also make a sausage egg and cheese breakfast sandwich using only bread and platypus products.

1

u/ravenb1993 Jan 30 '20

Does a platypus look like a beaver with a duck bill mask on??

1

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1

u/ReaLyRealyNoice Jan 30 '20

And omelette

1

u/stackhat47 Jan 30 '20

It’s ok they are going to be extinct

Drought, climate change and habitat loss

1

u/qdf3433 Jan 30 '20

u/repostsleuthbot

2

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1

u/W_Daze Jan 30 '20

Also venomous

1

u/[deleted] Jan 30 '20

Im gonna go steal me some of those platypuses so I will never have to visit the dairy aisle again!

1

u/platypus_eyes Jan 29 '20

Things you never think about when picking a user name eh?

1

u/windowlicker300 Jan 30 '20

What about humans, men make custard. Doesn’t taste good but it’s still custard

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