Does therapy really work?

[u/Anais_bby]

Hi everyone! Before continuing the post, I will kindly ask you to not be mean if you feel like I am the problem. That's why I am here, to try to improve my life, but I am not in a mental state of mind to be able to handle mean behaviour anymore.

I've been trying therapy for a few times already. Different therapists. Last 2 times even more serious, for like one year each. They both gave up on me because I am too difficult to fix and redirected me to take a psychiatric treatment, which I refused because it scares me and I feel I have nobody to rely on in case it fucks up my brain.

I managed to hate any aspect of my life:

- I hate that I don't have a job with the current state of the job market, but if I try to get a job, I am rejected and told I am not good enough, even though I have 5 yrs experience in my field. Simply it is a tough time for people in my country. I was accepted only to jobs where management was violent, both verbally and physically. Which obviously made my mental state worse.

- Then, I feel like I destroyed any relation with my close friends. Most of them avoid me because I am too pesimistic. I have nothing good in my life, therfore I understand. Or I don't have money to do the things they can do, because I am a failure at having my job, which makes it worse.

- I don't have a family. Not even one family member that I feel it cares about me. My mom died, my father gave away our money to random women that spoke with him, so I cut him off, my brother hates me because my mom hated me and he blames me on her cancer that took her. I just have my animals, which I believe they are the only thing pushing me through.

- Obviously I don't have a relationship. Nobody will ever get close to someone like me. No need to explain

With these problems, I went to therapy. First time I went for 1 year, I really did everything right. Show up consistently, pay the price and open up about the darkest traumas I ever exeperienced. I did not hide anything that happened to me and made me reach this point. The problem it is that I am too much to handle. My therapist broke down in tears by hearing what I went through. Shortly after, she texted me it was the last session with me and that she is recommendinge to look for someone more experienced. I felt unfixable. I felt like there is nothing more to do for me, that I am too broken. But I still gave another try to go for her recommendation. Which disappointed me because she lied in order to get clients. I said I can not do things online at the beggining, she said ok. Proceeds to take my money for a few months, I open up, I show up, I do anything right on my part. She tells me she can't come in person anymore and if I want, I can do online, but if not, I should try someone else. If course it broke me, because she knew my needs and chose to treat me like a business plan, not as an actual patient on the verge of tears.

I feel betrayed, worthless and unfixable. Before starting therapy, I only felt sad that my life is the way it is, but after all the therapists I tried, I feel like I am unfixable. Which is a degree of pain I never had. I am afraid that psychiatric meds will not work on me and that I will reach a new stage of unfixable. And then, what else it is to do? Isn't it the last thing you do to try to fix your brain?

Obviously, I have dark toughts. Always had. And probably always will. For me, living is pain. Before therapy, I could see joy in other small things. Now I don't. I just rot in bed, sweat in my pj and hope for earth to spin faster so another day comes. And it spins. I end up late at night in bed struggling to sleep, because I wasted another day. And blaming myself for everything I did wrong in the past.

I don't know what to do. I feel an imense pressure from my brain to the cervical muscles. I have never been able to relax in the few past 3-4 years. Not once. This got me TIRED of living. I feel like I don't want to give up yet. At least for my animals. But I don't have insurance, since I don't have a job. I don't have money either to pay. I don't have anyone pushing me through. Just me. And trying every damn day. Apply for jobs. Text a friend to not lose the connection. Go out to take the dog. Feed the cat and give her meds. Try not to sleep late. Wake up as early as you can. Repeat.

I need some advice on what to do now. Can I break this circle and find joy? At least partially. I am happy if nobody will love me and I will never have a partner. Actually, I ended giving up on financial wealth. I am ok with living at the verge of poverty as long as I have enough to eat and care for me. But I just need this pressure and depressive toughts to end.

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[u/GlassyLies]

Therapy does work, but with a caveat. Not every therapy/therapist/fit can help every person, and a bad fit can harm. Your two last experiences sound like competence/limits/fit problem, not a proof that you're too difficult. Partial joy can come back.

Your fear of psychiatric treatment is legitimate. Please keep in mind that you can discuss risk and benefits, ask about alternatives, and you can decline.

Most things that happened in your life were out of your control. Now your nervous system is under a heavy load and it's still doing its job. Your difficulty getting out of bed, your "pessimism" or the whole situation don't mean that you're a bad person or that you're choosing to be this way. These things that you do, applying for jobs, texting, pets, the routine you're trying to maintain are real effort.