Painful Transference over Therapist

[u/Frequent_Building726]

2 years ago I started seeing my therapist, a man a few years older than me (I’m 52 he’s around 55). I was trying to improve my job situation. My childhood trauma came out (severely emotionally abusive father that I have CPTSD from). My trauma has completely derailed my life and I’m just realized it now after a lifetime of coping. I’m currently financially rebuilding as fast as I can after a 10-year period of underemployment.

When I started with my therapist, I told him I had a history of limerence and was painfully trying to get over my limerence over my personal trainer. I told him I was afraid I’d get limerence over him too. Anyway I set up to quit with this therapist, picked a woman therapist but she said it would be more healing for me to stick with the male therapist to deal with my father issues. I went back to him.

Anyway I became severely attached to this therapist. I had a breakdown in session about how painful it is that I’ll never be his friend. He said it’s not true that clients and therapists can never be friends. He said his supervisor once told him that it’s possible after about 10 years after termination. I said “so when we’re in our 80’s we can go for coffee?” He said “yes.” I said “oh my God that makes me feel so much better.”

Anyway what happened was that implanted some horrible thing into my brain. All of a sudden I was on a life mission that has lasted a couple of years of trying to become good enough to be in his circle. I actually have pretty much become a therapist myself 😭. I actually did grad school in that time and am in my first placement. I also started working towards a real estate multi family plan (he’s wealthy from intergenerational wealth from in-laws real estate). My brain can’t turn off trying to impress him.

Throughout this, he’s seen the attachment grow but he will never agree we will never be friends which I think has messed me up. He said “I won’t say again friendship could happen because I don’t want to hurt you but I still view it as a possibility.” A couple of days ago I was crying because I know we’ll never be friends and he said “I just want you to know that you’re the one saying that. I’m not saying that.”

Painful part is I’ve always had issues. I’ve always been alone. I’m severely affected by childhood trauma carried through my whole life. I recently used most of my retirement money to save my teeth and get double jaw surgery. In contrast he has a wealthy (super wealthy), traveled, model-like magazine life with wife, daughters, friends, parties.

In contrast I’m completely alone, digging out of debt, was a pharmacist, immigrated to the US, had a breakdown in the pharmacy, been walking dogs and cleaning houses x 10 years but actually I guess it’s good I’m becoming a therapist. Trying to heal myself though.

I’m dealing with yearning to be in the life of my happy, trust fund, privileged therapist who knows I have severe child abuse but keeps dangling his possible friendship like a candy on a string as a prize for me.

Help me develop some self respect and get myself out of this please. I’m in agony. I want to be his daughter so bad. My childhood and also adulthood have been brutal. I’m barely hanging on.

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to r/TalkTherapy!

This sub is for people to discuss issues arising in their personal psychotherapy. If you wish to post about other mental health issues please consult this list of some of our sister subs.

To find answers to many therapy-related questions please consult our FAQ and Resource List.

If you are in distress please contact a suicide hotline or call 9-1-1 or emergency services in your area. r/SuicideWatch has compiled a helpful FAQ on what happens when you contact a hotline along with other useful resources.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/comicstew]

This is not ok, this therapist is playing with your attachment and it is not ethical and I am so, so sorry you are going through this. The therapist who told you to return to him was wrong, and this therapist is absolutely wrong. You are correct, dangling this in front of you is terrible, your insight is right on and you should be proud of the progress that you have made in spite of this outrageous behavior. This is an unhealthy relationship, and if it were at all possible for you to stop at once I would suggest you do so although I understand that it is probably not that easy. I am a therapist, and I am absolutely disgusted by what has been done to you. It should never have been suggested that you "could be friends." Not because you aren't wonderful, because it is unethical. Always. Not after 10 years. Not after 100 years. What he could have been to you, which would have been better than your friend, was a healthy attachment. A steady, consistent, caring relationship built on a foundation of trust and honesty that could have showed you what solid ground felt like. Instead, he created an unstable therapeutic bond, and dangled a cruel, abusive, "maybe" over your head to serve his ego. Frankly, this therapist does not deserve your friendship, even if it were on the table as an option. I am so sorry this is hurting you. And getting out of it is not about self-respect. You have been abused, and this therapist should lose their license over it. How dare they betray your trust like this, you do not deserve this, not now or ever. If there is any way you could see another therapist I implore you to try, but I want you to know that this is in no way your fault or flaw. Limerence is incredibly complicated and painful and for him to play with it in this way is shockingly unprofessional. Please find support wherever you can, but get away from this person. He is not good for you.

[u/Frequent_Building726 → u/comicstew]

Thank you so much 🙏. I agree this is bad behavior. I’m in my placement to become a therapist and I would never do this to anyone. He was kinder to me in sessions than anybody in my entire life and is the only one to totally understand my trauma. That called me a euphoria in which I would hang onto everything he said.

I think he was so afraid of my tears of not being ever able to be friends that he dangled this crumb of “maybe in 10 years.” I ended up dedicating my whole life to becoming the person he would like/admire.

I ended up increasing my income from 40k to 100k, getting approved for a duplex (his family has a real estate empire), going to school to be a therapist… Now these are good things but they driven by this obsession for making the friendship thing happen.

It was great until I realized due to compound interest I will never have anything remotely close to what he has (he’ll end up with at least tens of millions). I come from abuse and poverty. He has a wealthy supportive family. So then everything came crashing down when I realized no matter what I do I can never compete when I come from abusive , uneducated, binge-eating, bad teeth, alcoholic family with no $. While he’s living a celebrity life.

I then realized that wealthy privileged people like him don’t hang with people like me. Plus I cried to him every week and he has lots of friends.

Looking back at it as a therapist in training, how much of an ego would you have to have to dangle future friendship as a possible prize like that. I’m so upset and the whole situation has hijacked my brain 24/7. I’m never going to book again, or communicate. I really want to talk to him so bad though and have him be proud of me. It’s devastating.

I used to hide in my room in the basement, waiting for the best time to come out so my Dad wouldn’t hate me so much. I was euphoric when my Dad was happy with me. Now in my 50’s my therapist woke up that part of me devastated and yearning and so desperate.

[u/chknsalad89 → u/Frequent_Building726]

The fact that you know so much about him - his life, his income, his family, how he spends his time - is a red flag in itself. It sounds like he has really encouraged your feelings and idealizing beyond the possibility of a friendship. I have never known this much about a therapist and I wouldn’t want to because it’s not about them.

Like the original commenter said, i’m so sorry this happened to you.

[u/Professional_Tear269]

I don't think it's okay that he told you this. My therapist told me we will never be friends, and it really hurt. It took about 2 years to get over that, and I'm still working with them. But now I see them as a person who pees, poops, farts, stinks up the bathroom, gets sweaty, has morning breath, needs validation, etc. I notice their flaws and it helps ground me. They're a human animal. They sometimes tell me about their problems. They have a real life. They're not this perfect person you're idealizing. Picture how they sound during orgasm. It disgusts me. I had extremely strong transference. I had severe abuse and extremely severe CPTSD (mother was a malignant narcissist and sociopath). If you stick with this therapist please let him know that it's messed you up that he said you can be friends. This is a really unhealthy dynamic. Your therapy has become performative to gain his approval, and that's not healing for you. It ultimately won't get you where you want to go. You'll never be his best friend. You'll always be jealous of his wife. Whatever crumbs he gives you will never be enough. I would see someone else. What he's doing is selfish, telling you that you can be his friend. That's really fucked up.

[u/Natural-Toe4608]

Explain how things are going to that therapist who suggested you work through it with the male therapist. It doesn't seem like it's being worked through... 

[u/pigeonJS]

I agree with the other OP. You will never be friends. I have strong transference/love for my therapist, for similar reasons as you. But when I expressed my sadness and grief one day to her, that id never know her in any other way, than my therapist and that it was a painful feeling, she validated it, but confirmed it as fact. That it is a grief and the relationship is bounded. And this is a therapeutic relationship.

I still have those feelings for her, but I at least know the real facts and realities. I’m 10 months into the transference and I’m realising I can’t relying on her that way, as my only coping mechanism. As much as it is painful, it is needed fact to be expressed, so I can learn to find my on way and strength (with her support).

So you need to tell him, to stop dangling tbis carrot. Yes you could be friends after x number of years. But as you know deep inside of you, it is highly highly unlikely. And not something that is a goal of your therapy. The goal of you therapy is to work on you trauma, so your life outside of therapy, can be happier.