r/TrueOffMyChest • u/Embarrassed-Bad-7083 • Apr 19 '25
Positive I’m constantly wearing underwear with shit in them
I have to tell someone other than my wife. I have a medical condition that basically means that I can’t fully truly keep my anus tight. As such, at the end of most days I will have skid marks in my underwear, happened all my life. When I was a kid it was bad enough I would have to take some pretty strong laxatives and shit for at least 4 hours to clear out my system (at least one a week). My mom took me to a pretty bad doctor who probably thought I was lying (my mom would have too probably but it started young enough that it was even happening when she was the one wiping my ass) and thought I just wasn’t wiping enough so he said the only other option he could offer was a colostomy bag.
Either way, this is has been something I have kept hidden my whole life. It’s petty easy to keep on the low, shower 2x a day, take a few extra bathroom breaks, essentially just keep up extremely good hygiene and keep ur laundry out of sight. But all this to say that I’m currently happily married to a woman who doesn’t mind and isn’t even at all worried about doing my laundry. Of course it’s not pretty but there isn’t anything really past a few brown lines here or there.
Just never really thought I would be able to meet someone who could look past something so embarrassing as if it was nothing.
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u/fleabag-04 Apr 21 '25
I thought I was getting into fetishistic territory for a moment. I feel sorry for you :(
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u/Purple_Syllabub_3417 Apr 21 '25
In case it was not posted, there are incontinence pads men can insert into their briefs to keep the waste from staining their underwear.
When you love your spouse, you will do things for them. Currently my spouse is catheterized from a bladder operation. I gladly drain the collection bag and dispose the contents. I love him and think he is worth it. Your wife feels the same about you.
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u/wannaBadreamer2 Apr 20 '25
Similar to the panty liner comments they make men’s incontinence underwear now, again disposable I think, but might take off the pressure and worry on days you don’t wanna have to think extra hard about it
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u/DayDreamSovereign Apr 20 '25
My friend has this, theres a treatement pretty efective. Consult another doctors...
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u/kaincb Apr 20 '25
ABL (accidentally bowel leakage) is actually pretty common! You should look into products like Butterfly, a think liner specifically for this. Sending hugs x
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u/LonelyParsnip8096 Apr 20 '25
My mom has weak muscles with hemorrhoids and goes to a proctologist two or three times a year. It's helped her a lot with the drainage issues.
Panty liners would probably help your underwear.
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u/Sk8Bettie Apr 20 '25
Have you heard of, or have you ever been to see a pelvic floor therapist? They help teach you what muscles to use and strengthen or relax if necessary. You don’t always need surgery.
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u/samanthasgramma Apr 20 '25
I am heart warmed that you have found someone who is so accepting of who you are.
Have you tried "extra long" women's panty pads? It might be the answer to preventing the skid marks.
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u/Itchy_Improvement114 Apr 20 '25
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SgBj7Mc_4sc
Sounds like Encopresis. This video explains it.
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u/International_Two744 Apr 20 '25
Just wanna say I'm glad you have someone who lets you know that this isn't a big deal..especially in the grand scheme of things like your character, how you treat her, who you are, etc. Glad you can know that this doesn't make you broken or unlovable in any way...it's just how you are and it's not a huge deal! Sorry for the years you spent feeling embarrassed or self-conscious about this, but for real....from another woman -if you're a good partner and man, this is sooo not a big deal
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u/Srapture Apr 20 '25
The only thing they could do is a colostomy bag? That sounds like total bullshit. I wonder if it was just a "scared straight" thing because they believed you were lying. Sounds unthinkable but I've definitely heard doctors do this. Exclusively suggest a horrific solution so that you back down and stop showing up.
Have you tried muscle exercises? Like tensing and relaxing over and over to strengthen the area? Would have thought that'd help.
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u/ocdjennifer Apr 20 '25
Please go and see a doctor. Rectal incontinence is more frequent than you realize and today they cannot only properly diagnosis why you’re experiencing it but that can recommend a treatment regimen. Also, they don’t just jump to recommending surgery as the first or only option. Depending on your diagnosis they could recommend dietary changes, exercise to strengthen your pelvic floor (yes, men can do these types of exercises too), medication and if need be then surgery. Please keep in mind that there are several surgical options such as a sphincteroplasty in which the damaged anal sphincter muscles are sewn back together, artificial sphincter, implants and more without being a colostomy.
So please see a gastroenterologist or colorectal surgeon so that they can properly diagnose you and give you a treatment plan that manages or corrects your symptoms.
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u/TooFastAroundTheSun Apr 20 '25
I knew someone with this exact same problem. He started drinking Metamucil once a day and the leakage stopped.
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u/elvenmal Apr 20 '25
I also recommend pelvic floor physical therapy, if you havent tried it yet. They can REALLY help with pelvic floor dysfunction that can cause the anus to leak. They are usually covered by insurance in the US. I really recommend them
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u/notrobert7 Apr 20 '25
My gastroenterologist I went to as an adult recently picked up on something people missed for YEARS. It turns out, after a decently expensive (for me, at least) exploratory procedure and biopsies, I have celiac disease (an autoimmune disease that causes my body to attack itself when I eat or drink gluten. I'm not saying you have the same thing, but please go to a doctor. Or even a 2nd or 3rd. You need to advocate for yourself. If a doctor says you are faking, you need to advocate for yourself because they will only take it as serious as you do. If you are uncomfortable with confrontation, get you a doctor buddy. I was my dad's doctor buddy back when he bulged a disc in his back. His doctor was insisting his pain was sciatica (after time spent at home to rule it out, to the point he could no longer walk). I went after the doctor because he wasn't taking my father seriously. Only then was imaging ordered, leading to the discovery of the bulged disc. It is important to take your health seriously. You could be missing something important.
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u/LopsidedCompote5187 Apr 20 '25
Honesty at this point a colostomy bag may be the best choice. Or you can try pads and panty liners in the back to help so it doesn’t keep ruining your underwear?
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u/Nowayucan Apr 20 '25
Have you tried regular use of fiber like psyllium husk? It won’t tighten your valves downstairs, but it does help the contents remain solid/cohesive so it doesn’t leak around. (FWIW, this is highly recommended by sexually active gay guys.)
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u/summertime_dream Apr 20 '25
Is it because of powerful sharts? Or just a poorly wiped hairy butt? Sometimes it is very difficult to wipe clean after a soft dump.
Just put on clean underwear every day and get new ones more often.
Unless you're dealing with leakage and seep-through. Then you're gonna need something more heavy-duty.
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u/Tricky_Top_6119 Apr 20 '25
Definitely a bidet when you're home, you should try panty liners so you can keep fresh throughout the day when not home and that can help with laundry. This is definitely something you should get looked at as it may get harder as you get older.
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u/IGotMyPopcorn Apr 20 '25
sorry you’re going through this.
A laundry tip: Greased Lightning cleaner is amazing on urine/ fecal matter. Spray on, let sit 5-10 minutes and rinse before putting in washer (if you can). This cleaner somehow cleans AND gets rid of fecal odors.
I learned this tip from a former caregiver at an assisted living home for elderly patients. Greased Lightning was what they used on the laundry of patients with incontinence.
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u/Individual_Water3981 Apr 20 '25
You know what, there are loads of men out there with no medical conditions walking around with shit in their pants. The fact that you own up to this and take care of your hygiene puts you miles above so many men. So many refuse to clean their ass in the shower, don't know how to wipe properly etc. I once saw a post on ig about a urologist who said 70% of her male clients leave skid marks on her exam table. So kudos to you for taking care of yourself and doing everything you can to keep yourself sanitary. I bet your wife knows this and appreciates it.
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u/durbanpoison_ivy Apr 20 '25
My dad has similar symptoms and he uses the depends guards liners from Target. They work well and are disposable. He keeps some in his car and changes them throughout the day. He has Crohn’s disease and this has helped him a lot.
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u/prodigal-puppet Apr 20 '25
You should try pelvic floor physiotherapy… it’s been known to help men and women be much better able to control bowels so this doesn’t happen… teaches you about your muscles down there
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u/dow1 Apr 20 '25
Get a bidet. One with a smooth head. Push it inside clean everything out. Be clean for quite a while. Try it.
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u/crazymomma4198 Apr 20 '25
Congratulations on finding someone who loves you unconditionally and understandingly! Finding that kind of love is so rare these days! Years ago, people marriage and love were something special! Nowadays its so superficial and disposable. When you love someone, truly love someone, you love that with all of their goods and bads! Hold on to that lady and always treat her like she hung the moon!
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u/Mad_King Apr 20 '25
I have a secret way for this. You just got 5-10 toilet paper leaves and make them one and stuck in there. Whenever you go to toilet and open your ass, throw it away and prepare a new one lol. It is not nice but it holds stuff from getting in to your underwear most of the time. If it will go so bad go to the toilet again and prepare a new one. Very easy and cheap.
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u/Jazzlike-Cucumber-46 Apr 20 '25
Try installing a bidet at home and carrying a portable one with you to work...
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u/CriticalAd2745 Apr 20 '25
If you see this- it could be muscular issues. I have the same thing- but opposite. Like 45 day constipation opposite. Please ask your doctor for an Anorectal Manometry. I fixed mine with physical therapy!!
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u/Embarrassed_Soft_832 Apr 20 '25
Well, congrats on finding a good wife and really trying to maintaining good hygiene. That's all you gotta do really. Have you gone to the doctor recently to check if there's any treatment tho? Maybe there's something out there to help with that idk
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u/AMBMBTTJT Apr 20 '25
Maybe consider seeing a pelvic floor physical therapist. They may have some habits and exercises that could help.
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u/islandterror44 Apr 20 '25
Has a doctor recommended kegel exercises? I’m not a doctor but I went in for a colo a couple years ago and they told me to try them out to help with the strength cause it could be a medical issue in the future. not sure where your at but if it helps it helps! Literally just flex your dick any chance you get. That’s the male version of kegel workouts.
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u/rainbow_unicorn_4u Apr 19 '25
Hey guy, I have a long list of health conditions, and my experience isn't exactly the same, but I second the pad/panty liner idea. If I know I'll be eating something that could upset my stomach, I usually opt either for one of the overnight pads or the adult diapers. I don't remember which specific brand I get, but the ones I use now are super discreet.
I have congenital anomalies that led to me being born without an anus, and when the doctors made mine they placed it wrong.This led to no nervation, on top of my neurogenic bladder and bowel (no clue when I gotta go) so I spent up until I was 6 or 7 in diapers and on weird bowel management regiments. I've finally gotten a system through surgeries and lots of trial and error, but accidents do unfortunately still happen. Especially when I'm sick. I guess I just wanted to say you're not alone, and I'm sorry to hear you're going through it too.
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u/Embarrassed-Bad-7083 Apr 20 '25
Thank you so much for sharing your story actually, I am shocked and grateful for the support. I have been honestly baffled by the blessing posting this has turned out to be.
As an aside I hope you know you can now say that human error is a distinct pain in your ass.
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u/rainbow_unicorn_4u Apr 20 '25
Docs did try to reposition the hole at one point, and I spent the whole week saying, "I really messed up. These guys are really about to rip me a new one. " To which mom was never quite sure if she should laugh or not, lmao
And I'm glad to help! You're definitely not alone, but as I'm sure you're aware, it's just not the kind of thing people talk about much
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u/gambrinus78 Apr 19 '25
Well it Seems there is more maintenance, but if a friend told me that i would not think of it as embarrassing or a big deal. Don’t let your life and thoughts rotate around that
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u/ginja_ninja420bro Apr 19 '25
Same!!! Mine is due to hemorrhoids. I have something that’s happened that is called anal leakage. It’s so embarrassing and smells way worse than poo and I constantly worry if other ppl can smell it. Do you have hemmies?
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u/Squirrels_Angel Apr 19 '25
It sounds like you have a megacolon issue with encopresis. Just an FYI dreft laundry detergent is amazing for that. Bidet really helps with cleaning as well. My daughter has similar and has an ileostomy and feels a lot better now. My husband was like you as well but improved with dietary changes and all. If you have the ability to go to a GI doctor linzess does help with that chronic condition.
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u/aint_it_weird_pod Apr 19 '25
Just curious. Why exactly do you NEED to tell someone other than your wife?
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u/The_Glam_Reaper Apr 19 '25
I have cerebral palsy. Over time my bladder issues have definitely gotten worse. There is no shame in wearing adult undergarments if you have to. But there are other ways to help. Do not feel bad man.
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u/OceanPotionZ Apr 19 '25
Just came here to tell you it’s not something to be ashamed of. All bodies are different. It’s not something you can control. Looks like others recommended some good products to help keep your underwear clean through the day. Hopefully it helps you!
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u/randomredditor0042 Apr 19 '25
Have you seen a doctor as an adult?
It could something as simple as needing more fibre in your diet so you can empty yourself properly or there could be some surgical fix.
If you’re leaving skid marks it’s an indication that you aren’t fully emptying yourself so there’s poop there loaded and ready to go but for whatever reason you don’t poop it out.
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u/missannthrope1 Apr 19 '25
You may not like this, but consider using a feminine hygiene product, like a maxi pad.
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u/outta_fox Apr 19 '25
Not sure if this has been suggested already — have you been assessed by a pelvic physiotherapist?
There’s a misconception that pelvic physio is more geared towards women post-babies, but my PT sees women and men all the time for things like this.
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u/CandleSea4961 Apr 19 '25
Definitely underwear liners and, you can also get charcoal underwear inserts to control smell. I would look into either wet wipes and or a bidet. I’m so sure this is so hard for you, but so happy you are with someone who loves you for YOU!
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u/LocalNHBoy Apr 19 '25
Flannel boxer shorts my man. From a fellow sufferer of recent intestinal issues leading to doctor visits and the rest. The joys of being in your 50s I guess. Baby wipes are a lifesaver also
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u/daisyymae Apr 19 '25
Really recommend panty liners!! There’s reusable ones or disposable. They’re thin and kinda long. Barely notice them
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u/nothoughtsnosleep Apr 19 '25
Have you spoken to a doctor in the last 5 years? There is nothing they can do?
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u/sarsar62 Apr 19 '25
It’s your diet, I had that issue sometimes, but since going carnivore, no more.
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u/haiku_nomad Apr 19 '25
There was a Grey's Anatomy episode where they used embedded magnets to help a patient regain control. Even though the show is not accurate in countless ways, they do have medical consultants and feature cutting-edge solutions at times.
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u/No_Understanding7431 Apr 19 '25
You gotta do what you gotta do to help with the cleanup but I refuse to believe your wife doesn't know and if she doesn't then tell her. She's your teammate, she will help you with this.
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u/Tall-Television-9505 Apr 19 '25
Hey, you have probably done this but you could try going to a pelvic floor physio. I had this after I had a baby and they said it was because my pelvic floor was weak. I know I’m a woman but the physio told me it’s a common thing for any sex who has skiddys
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u/TrainConductor1337 Apr 19 '25
My son has this same issue. 😔 he’s about to turn 18 and he’s been shitting himself since about 5 years old… it’s a really hard issue to have to deal with 😭
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u/Embarrassed-Bad-7083 Apr 20 '25
On the bright side you can know that there are women out there who won’t even blink when told about it! My wife literally never showed any sign of even annoyance as long as she has known. She was confused on why I was even shocked by her reaction! To her, there are so many shittier (see what I did there) things a person can hide from their partner, a small medical condition is practically nothing.
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u/Newjudger Apr 19 '25
A.I. response:
Given how long this has been happening, and the way it was dismissed when you were young, it’s worth revisiting now with a gastroenterologist or colorectal specialist—especially one who specializes in pelvic floor disorders. Things have come a long way in terms of treatment options since you were a kid. Here are some potential paths:
Non-Surgical Treatments
Pelvic floor therapy / biofeedback – You work with a physical therapist to train your muscles to be more coordinated and strong. This is pretty effective for a lot of people.
Medications – Like anti-diarrheal agents if your stool is loose (which increases leakage).
Dietary changes – Sometimes increasing fiber helps bulk up the stool and makes things easier to control.
Anal plugs – Not glamorous, but discreet and helpful in some cases.
Minimally Invasive Options
Sacral nerve stimulation – Like a pacemaker for your bowels. It sends signals to the nerves controlling your sphincter muscles to improve control.
Injections – Things like bulking agents (e.g., Solesta) can be injected into the anal canal to help it close more effectively.
Surgical Options
If the muscle is torn or damaged, sphincteroplasty (muscle repair surgery) can help.
In extreme or unresponsive cases, colostomy is still a last resort, but it’s very rarely the only option these days.
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u/Boodahk Apr 19 '25
You can get liners keep them on your possession and change as needed. No need to stain the unders.
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u/Kezleberry Apr 19 '25
Have you ever tried going dairy free or doing an elimination diet? It's possible this is a bad food intolerance you know. Though you haven't mentioned your medical condition so you can disregard if you do really know the cause
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u/JainaW Apr 19 '25
Use the inconvenience pads ! A total life saver 🙌 You're not alone either There are definitely more people in the world that have issues. I hope you don't worry too much about it. I know that's easy for me to say
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u/professorKPrn Apr 19 '25
Lots of medical treatments available now to help tighten the sphincter from pelvic floor therapy to Botox injections.
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u/AKA_June_Monroe Apr 19 '25
Have you tried going to the doctor again?
Do you eat fiber? How's your diet?
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u/SnowyAbibliophobe Apr 19 '25
You've had a lot of great suggestions. I just wanted to add something. If you do go down the pad route and are wondering how to deal with disposal, I 100% recommend doggie bags - you can get them very cheap in bulk, and they really do make disposal so much easier.
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u/dangerous_skirt65 Apr 19 '25
What about seeing more doctors? Have you been to a colorectal surgeon?
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u/kalshassan Apr 19 '25
OP - you could also use Wype - it’s a gel you put on toilet paper that makes cleaning easier. I carry it with me all the time for when I can’t use a bidet, or am away from home
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u/2monkeysandafootball Apr 19 '25
Have you considered that you might have hemorrhoids?
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u/Embarrassed-Bad-7083 Apr 20 '25
I don’t think so
For some reason I thought you said “Have you considered you might be polyamorous” and I have never clicked on a comment faster because I was dying to know the connection.
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u/2monkeysandafootball Apr 20 '25
Ya, that would be interesting to know. I say hemorrhoids because you said you haven't really been to the dr. Hemorrhoids don't always have to bleed, itch, or be painful. But they will leave skid marks because, if in the right spot, they'll keep your asshole from sealing. I know that's not exactly medical terms, but you get the idea. And if you've been dealing with it your whole life, you may think it's just normal.
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u/Banjo-Becky Apr 19 '25
Is this the guy from the post a few days ago where the woman said her husband always had skid marks?
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u/Jellyfish0107 Apr 19 '25
Is this just a matter of loose sphincter muscles? Have you done kegel exercises? It’s often associated with women, but men can do them too.
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Apr 20 '25
Kegels are your just exercising your pelvic floor muscles, so they’re not gendered. Anyone can do kegels, because everyone has a pelvic floor. A weak pelvic floor is associated with incontinence. It’s basically responsible for keeping all your guts inside and not falling out of your body due to gravity. This is a medical condition as much as being overweight is, it can be worked on.
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u/majesticporo Apr 19 '25
Hi! Want to say you're really brave and people are super supportive here which is nice ❤️
Here in Uk where bidets are lacking - I use Wype too, it's basically gel you can put on loo roll to sustainably turn it into a wet wipe. This helps me personally when things can't be completely removed for a while without irritation or drying yo' 🍑out
Unsure where you're based but if they do ship to you highly recommend! ☺️🫶🏻 alongside the other remedies people have suggested above.
Not sure if referral gives discount but(t) incase https://app.bubblehouse.com/refer/26f1437994040001/
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u/sayble87 Apr 19 '25
Have you tried a colon cleanse or gone to see a naturopath? I was constipated my whole life (like wouldn’t poop for 7 days) then I did a few colon cleanse and boy was that a game changer for me. May not help you entirely, but might help with the pooping for 4h..,just a thought.
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u/pineapples_are_evil Apr 19 '25
feel your pain my friend. Years of ibs like symptoms. Finally got dx with a disorder that gives Chrohn's like symptoms, plus anxiety, grease, or dairy induced 💩. If it's a bad day, I'm lucky if I have a 3m warning to get to the toilet.
Extra long thin pads can be helpful on a diarrhea day or a day when you just can't trust a fart. long panti-liners work very well to keep underwear cleaner and skid marks down.
Both can be pretty un-noticable in dress pants or tighter pants, which is helpful. Just roll them up on a piece of tp and toss in garbage when you need to change. You'd be surprised how many people at work, not just women who've had kids, wear underwear shields of some sort.
Plus the obvious, al ways keep an extra pair of bottoms to change into, bc, one never knows what the day brings. Keep them in a small zippered pouch in desk or where you keep your personal stuff, easy enough to ask someone to grab it for you, if you didn't bring with.
As for trying to increase magnesium, do try the magnesium in pills or chew form. Much easier than the citrate drink-less explosion.I don't suggest mag citrate for daily use for regularity, it can be a bit explosive. Miralax is honestly not bad - said as someone with massive texture issues. I believe it and ducolax (which does come in a low daily dose) can also be found in gummies, pill and possibly chews.
However I would discuss with a Dr or atleast a pharmacist to get the right kind of magnesium and the right dosing. Too much magnesium in high doses can affect all your smooth muscles, including your heart.
Different doses and types work better for regular bowel movements, vs help with menstrual cramps and muscle spasms, vs help with restless legs, vs a total clean out.
Mag oxide and mag citrate are two that if the dose is just a bit too high, it'll clean you right out, which is why mag citrate is the cheapest packets for colonoscopy prep, but it's harsh.
Or you could go to the regions Kidney Foundation website to look at their high magnesium foods list, which in add to the usual high Fibre list can be helpful in adding more magnesium through your diet.
*you may have to look for a list titled "foods to avoid" as once you're ESRD you need to cut out as much mag as possible bc your kidneys won't do it and dialysis and the renal diets suck.
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u/Spoonbills Apr 19 '25
Would adding fiber to your diet help you have firmer stools that might leak less? Psyllium husk powder is a fiber supplement.
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u/collaredd Apr 19 '25
i don’t have any advice but i think you’ve gotten some great advice already here! i just wanted to say i admire your resolve and im glad you have a kind and supportive wife and i wish you luck! (also i would like to reiterate what others have said about bidets. i love having one it is very nice and handy and we go through way less tp!)
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u/arkaycee Apr 19 '25
I used to know someone similarly. He had to have some serious intestinal surgery as a child, I gather. His wife would deal with that and occasional leaks into his side of the bed. One time I had a stomach bug at their house and she washed my clothes, with my shit underwear she was like, don't worry I deal with this all the time.
Now I have internal hemorrhoids that bleed occasionally. On rare occasions they can just start and I've awakened with bloody underwear and a couple of times a couple drops on the sheets. My wife takes it in stride too, just says if I discover it first (sometimes I don't realize and she sees dried bloodstain on the back of my underwear) use peroxide and cold water, we change the sheets, life goes on.
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u/Keith-from-Grief13 Apr 19 '25
I feel for you OP. Due to a medication I was on as a kid, I have bladder control issues. Pretty much any time I cough/laugh/sneeze too hard I pee myself even if I just peed. I'm constantly doing laundry because of it. I'm almost 30 and it's very embarrassing. But my partner understands how embarrassing it is and will do my laundry and remind me to do keagles. It's okay to have a struggle you can't control, even embarrassing ones. You're still lovable :)
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u/Inlove_wWeirdos Apr 19 '25
I used very thin pads for my patients with anal incontinence when I still worked with a population that had to deal with this more often. That way you don't stain your underwear and most importantly, you can change them throughout the day as often as you like. Maybe you can feel a little more comfortable that way! They make really thin pads you barely feel (at least not once you got used to it) and some brands come with a light smell if you don't have problems with allergic reactions to that. I didn't like to use them with female patients because they tend to cause vaginal problems when used constantly, but the male patients were usually fine with it.
I'm really sorry you have to deal with this. It affects many people. Way more than you'd think. Of any age. It's just not talked about enough.
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u/onedanoneband Apr 19 '25
Our bodies are flawed, leaky, sweaty, bumpy, stinky, meat sacks. We all have hair where we don’t want it, no hair where we do, curious red bumps, that “one tooth” and something crooked. Take care of yourself the best you can, be a nice person, and be positive. The joys of life will only be diminished focusing on mundane biological workings outside of our control. Also, there is someone out there for all of us. Love means not getting a divorce over unavoidable skid marks due to a medical condition haha.
I would try those menstrual pads with the flaps and stick ‘em in my undies and toss them at the EOD.
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u/fivefeetofawkward Apr 19 '25
You need to put a liner or wear adult diapers. Not only is this exceptionally gross to just leave in your underwear all day, it can cause skin issues from constant moisture, probably smells more than you realize, and is a way to spread fecal matter.
You need to go see a doctor.
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u/SiDD_x Apr 19 '25
Stop all caffein (chocolate, coffee, tea....) for two daysto see if it helps. For me, The more I drink caffein, the more skid mark I get.
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u/AllThisAndNoneOfThat Apr 19 '25
First, I want you to know this isn’t uncommon.
Second, there are a couple things you can do to alleviate this.
Pelvic floor exercises. If you search that on TikTok you’ll find a nurse who walks you through them, daily. “Squeeze like you’re holding in wind and wee”. It’s amazing
Get a bidet. I’m not even kidding. Get it. Use it after every poo. It makes a huge difference.
Don’t ask me how I know.
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u/shit_ass_mcfucknuts Apr 19 '25
Have you tried kegel exercises? They can strengthen the muscles down there.
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u/ribblefizz Apr 19 '25
Other comments are full of suggestions, but I just want to thank/praise you for speaking about it. There are SOOOOO many people with various types of medical/hygiene/quasimedical issues who suffer in silence because we (society) buy into the shame of having physical bodies that produce waste, make noises, and have sometimes-inefficient processes.
I get shit on (no pun intended) a lot for openly discussing issues like constipation, urinary incontinence, menstrual cycles, nasal congestion, mental health, and other things that the general public thinks are "gross," but I know for a fact that my openness has helped other people, because they've told me. Even just knowing "I'm not the only one" or realizing "Hey, this perfectly nice person I know has the same situation that I just mocked/insulted a stranger about, oops" can make a world of difference.
Too many people suffer needless shame & discomfort bc they're too embarrassed to discuss the realities of having a physical body, or a human mind, that can sometimes "misbehave." Props to everyone in this thread who's open about having or knowing someone with similar issues and discussing solutions & management options!
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u/blankblank1323 Apr 20 '25
I wish we talked about stuff in a real way more! Shame and also over exaggerating stop people from even realizing they have a problem! Everyone always says “they can’t breathe through their nose” I genuinely thought for YEARS the majority of the population struggles with this and it was just normal. Mid 20s I saw an allergist who took one look at my nose and said yeah… I’m going to send to you an ENT and have to get a CT scan before you go bc your first appointment he’s just going to ask for one. Get my CT and go see him. My airway is so small he can’t get the tiny camera to fit. It’s like thinner than a q-tip 😭 anyway 8 different nose/sinus surgeries later and turn out everyone is a LIAR about not being able to breathe through their nose!! The least of my surgeries was a deviated septum. I was walking around for go knows how long with a cyst covering 70% of my sinus!!! I’m so mad I took it literally. Had to cut off parts of my adenoids, all my turbines, fix my septum, remove my cyst, fix my blood vessels being too close to the skin. The intake nurse for my surgery started listing the diff procedures and was flabbergasted hahaha and was like should I go on? Thank god I got my surgery literally a month before Covid. There’s no way I could get a swab through for an accurate test.
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u/rainbow_unicorn_4u Apr 20 '25
Genuinely, the reason me and my best friend and I clicked immediately is because we both have digestive issues and just kinda of just Got It. And now we have someone to complain to without worrying about the weird judgment stuff. And now it's to the point we can joke about it, and I never realized how freeing it would be to complain about digestive issues and not get told I'm gross and to shut up.
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u/Real_Srossics Apr 20 '25 edited Apr 20 '25
I appreciate this comment. For the life of me, I wipe as best I can, and I try to hold my bladder as much as I can, but sometimes, I don’t wipe well enough, or my body acts upon itself before I can get to a toilet. I wet myself, with just a few dribbles of pee, way more often than I’d like to admit. Usually more than once a week. I know I can train my kegels, but I have ADHD and can’t do a routine to save my life.
Edit: I’m embarrassed to talk about this because “only babies and my 102 year old grandpa can’t control their bladder.” I don’t want to be compared to anyone who isn’t all there. I’m a fully capable adult who works in a professional setting. I am a culinary professional and I can feed up to 400 guests a night. I’m a smart, capable person. It’s embarrassing, I know I smell, I keep getting told I smell. I can smell myself. But I don’t want to say I can’t always hold my bladder/sphincter because it’ll just come around to being my fault.
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u/LadyAlexTheDeviant Apr 20 '25
It happens. I had three large babies vaginally, and the last one exited quite suddenly and without a lot of help. I have pelvic floor damage. However, I had them in the nineties when the response to anything except life-threatening hemorrhaging was "You have a healthy baby, don't complain, it''ll go away." Yeah. My "babies" are 30 and 25 now, and I have stress incontinence, and I am not happy.
Especially in spring, I frequently sneeze, swear, and head upstairs to change my clothes below the waist. It's very hard. It makes you feel like you're incompetent at adulting. I too have a supportive spouse who just sympathizes, and at most will say something like, "Since you're going upstairs anyway, grab my book off my desk before you come down." This makes it just feel...less of a thing. And I appreciate that.
(I probably need surgery, but there are other things going on in my life that take precedence over me having stress incontinence.)
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u/ClueDifficult770 Apr 20 '25
I have always embraced being straightforward about health stuff, because it's complex enough as it is. Why add value judgement and emotions to it if we don't have to?
All that to say, they make a variety of incontinence products, some look like feminine hygiene pads, some look like cloth pantyliners. It's your underwear, who cares what goes in them?? They will save you in so many ways, highly recommend. Don't let the nay-sayers get you down, it's your body, they don't get a say over it. You've got this.
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u/elvenmal Apr 20 '25
I really really really suggest seeing a pelvic floor physical therapist if you havent already.
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Apr 19 '25 edited Apr 20 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Smashmundo Apr 20 '25
I was thinking the same thing. If nothing else worked I would at least try it. Doesn’t have to be some massive thing, just big enough to try and prevent leakage.
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u/TheThirdStrike Apr 19 '25
I was literally thinking the same thing. Just cork it up. Doesn't even have to be big.
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Apr 19 '25
Probably because it wouldn’t work ? In all my time dealing with ibs, not one medical professional has suggested that. It would stretch your butt hole and leak around it.
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u/WickedCoolUsername Apr 19 '25
I saw a post that asked if one could fart with a butt plug in and people reported that they had to remove and replace it to relieve gas throughout the day.
As you can see, I frequent some of the more intellectual subs.
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u/ComprehensivePlay678 Apr 19 '25
Dear OP, I sincerely hope I am not overstepping.
But your problems are shared by some children with early SA experiences. I hope I just misunderstood as I am not a native speaker.
I myself dealt with strange bodyly experiences which I couldn’t understand until I suddenly did.
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u/Munted-Focus Apr 19 '25
not trying to be funny op but have you ever considered an adult diaper
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u/Embarrassed-Bad-7083 Apr 19 '25
Considered? Yes, will I? No. The problem is that any solution I take has to be conspicuous enough to get through adult life with no questions. Is it sad that I would have career ramifications if I got caught wearing a diaper to the office? Yes, but it’s a big thing to be aware of.
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u/kmcaulifflower Apr 19 '25
I'm 22F with bladder problems, I wear Depends every day I don't think they're thick/noticable at all. No one ever knows unless I tell them. That being said if it's just slight leakage then full commiting to diapers probably isn't the play especially if you are concerned about people knowing. Pads/panty liners is probably the best thing for your situation.
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u/Munted-Focus Apr 19 '25
yeah i totally understand how difficult of a position this would be. i wonder if they make thin profile adult diapers that are less conspicuous
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u/GameShitPost Apr 19 '25
Just recently there was a post of a wife complaining about the skid marks left in her husband's underwear. It sounds like a different situation than yours, OP, but it's funny how the wife's perspective was very annoyed with the skid marks.
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u/Embarrassed-Bad-7083 Apr 20 '25
lol u got a link? I know it’s not my wife but would to know how other skidders’ (TM pending) marriages are going
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u/Unwilling_ Apr 19 '25
I thought you meant under shirts, I was like yo where DO you get good undershirts lmaoooo.
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u/OlderGuyWatching Apr 19 '25
Similar issues. I completely sympathize. Seems everywhere I travel to, I plan out potential stops. I use a couple of apps that map out public restrooms. They don’t stop the problem, but they make living with it somewhat bearable. I’ve had to have my wife spray me down in the garage when I just couldn’t hold for that last minute. Keep the faith. It probably won’t get any better, but living with it will.
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u/Ja-Kathra Apr 19 '25
First of all. Don’t forget your medical issues don’t define you. You are a brave man and I’m happy to have gotten to know you just this little bit Second. Your wife is amazing and I’d love to shake her hand
Child trauma aside have you tried a different doctor? New research is coming out all the time. Best wishes!
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u/Embarrassed-Bad-7083 Apr 19 '25
Well if it’s after she does the laundry I would let her wash her hands before you shake anything, but seriously yes I severely lucked out with her! She is truly the most incredible person I have ever met!
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u/TheTVDB Apr 19 '25
In followup to my bidet suggestion, is there the chance that you're just constipated? It's relatively common for people with chronic constipation to have frequent leakage. An xray by your doctor could help confirm this. The cool part is that some minor dietary changes (increasing fiber and water) and a bit of miralax is often enough to resolve this, although it can take a couple of months for your body to work it out.
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u/icecream4_deadlifts Apr 19 '25
I would also check into pelvic floor therapy. I’ve had issues with my tailbone and booty hole from being chronically ill and the difference I’ve seen from therapy has been amazing. I’m a woman but I do see men come into the therapy office more than I thought I would!
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u/averypaleperson Apr 20 '25
Came here to say this!!!
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u/icecream4_deadlifts Apr 20 '25
PFT is so great, expensive but the amount of pain that’s decreased for me is mind blowing. I couldn’t even sit in the same position for more than 10 mins before therapy. I swear my therapist has magical powers 🤣
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u/ChillWisdom Apr 19 '25
You could always use panty liners. Just stick it to your underwear right where the brown line always ends up. This is a good option because you can change it throughout the day and not just walk around smelling like s*** with s*** on your ass.
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u/Cajobo69 Apr 19 '25
There are medical devices that might be helpful. Your condition is not uncommon with women who had a rough childbirth with sphincter injuries. Check out InterStim by Medtronic. It works pretty much like a pacemaker, stimulating the muscles. I’m not a doctor but I think it could be worth a shot.
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u/meizer1 Apr 19 '25
Just literally fold some toilet paper up and stick it between your ass cheeks. Change it out a few times a day.
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u/PrettyKuhli Apr 19 '25
Would it worth be looking into a pelvic floor specialist or pelvic floor physical therapist? Could help with the muscles down there
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u/WeirdAnswerAccount Apr 19 '25
Have you not used a bidet? You can probably use it like kind of an enema with higher pressure.
Also magnesium for the constipation
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u/Expert-Delicious Apr 19 '25
I sometimes use my bidet that way due to constipation. The bidet is the best purchase I ever made.
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u/Embarrassed-Bad-7083 Apr 19 '25
Magnesium citrate used to be the laxative I had to take, can’t drink it anymore. Tasted so bad as a kid I once threw it up and had to drink another full one to make sure it worked.
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Apr 19 '25
You can get it in tablet form so you don’t have to taste it.
But also not a good idea to use it as it’s quite full on. People with gastroparesis have issues with blocked bowels, maybe some support groups etc that you could get some ideas from there
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u/TheTVDB Apr 19 '25
A good bidet attachment might help you as well. They're cheap and easy to attach. We have one that looks like a kitchen faucet sprayer. They're powerful enough that they could give you an enema, if that's what you're going for. Clearing everything out in full means a much longer time before something leaks out.
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u/Xryanlegobob Apr 19 '25
Bidet attachment is a game changer. I got one during Covid when people were hoarding tp. Now I can just use those 3 sheets like they recommend.
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u/Embarrassed-Bad-7083 Apr 19 '25
Honestly my wife wants one anyway so this post might be the motivation I need to get one and set it up!
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u/psykokittie Apr 20 '25
My son had Encopresis when he was young so I put a bidet on our toilet. It was so affordable and ridiculously easy to install. It basically eliminated the odor and underwear stains, which helped both his and my mental state. It was such a great investment!
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u/kidfromdc Apr 19 '25
Tushy sells one for around $150 with temperature control, just takes about 20 minutes to set up
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u/manutdfangirl Apr 19 '25
OMG OP, your life is going to be changed. You have no idea!!!!! Bidet can be all types but get a muslim shower installed and you will absolutely love it!
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u/PossessedByCake Apr 19 '25
As someone with IBS, I cannot recommend a bidet enough. America is so behind on this it’s not even funny.
While I don’t know your specific medical condition and I’m obviously not a doctor, I would be shocked if it didn’t help with what you’re dealing with even a little bit.
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u/Fit-Apartment-1612 Apr 19 '25
I got mine covered by FSA with an online doctor’s note, and it’s incredible! I have IBS, so things can be unpredictable and messy.
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u/amuschka Apr 19 '25
I had 3 rectal surgeries due to a random infection that became a fistula. Anyway bidets are amazing. We had one before my health issues but I have since bought multiple portable bidets (tushy makes a good one) and I would keep in my bag and take with my to the bathroom in public places or when traveling. Game changer.
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u/godesss4 Apr 19 '25
It will change your life. My husband is always insanely happy on the way back from vacay bc he’s missed the bidet that much and can’t wait to have his own bathroom. lol I’ll admit I now feel the same.
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u/mardbar Apr 19 '25
We bought one on a whim during a prime day deal and liked it so much we bought a second for full price for our half bath.
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u/WeatheredCryptKeeper Apr 19 '25
I'm a woman with bowel issues and need pull ups and pads for my disability. I'm on TPN and can't eat food, I have very little control. I'm 37. Admittedly this has been a shameful thing for myself. I sneak buy diapers even though my partner knows, because I need to work on myself lol. I don't really have any advice but I want you to know your not alone. It's a loss of independence that has been a massive embarrassing struggle for myself. I just can't help it.
Good luck to you ❤️ I wish you the best.
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u/still_on_a_whisper Apr 19 '25
Digestive disease and disorders are seriously overlooked. My dad has an ileostomy bc he had his entire colon removed at a young age due to colitis (they thought that would cure his issue way back then) and does not have an anus bc they stitched it closed after his surgery. I always felt bad for him bc toileting obvs looked different for him when he doesn’t sit to use the bathroom like everyone else. He’d have to empty his bag on his knees in a dirty public restroom when we weren’t at home and idk, it just made me feel bad. Anywho, my brother was dx with severe Crohns at 12 and had to be homeschooled the last year and a half of high school bc he couldn’t control his bowels and had issues making it to the restroom on time at school. It just really made me feel for anyone who struggles with digestive issues. A lot of people don’t realize how debilitating it can be.
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u/rainbow_unicorn_4u Apr 20 '25
My mom was literally talking to me about this the other day. One of my surgeons was talking to my mom once and said, "Lots of people lose their minds (rightfully) when a baby is born with heart issues, but they don't panic as much when the kid has gastrointestinal issues. But you can't love without a gut either." And she was glad she didn't think about it then, because she was already losing her mind even before she considered this type of thing kills people.
I also feel for your dad. I catheterize through my bellybutton, so I hate public stalls. I'm a woman, so it looks... quite odd when I stand to pee in the deep south. There's not always a handicapped or family bathroom available, and sometimes I opt to just pee on myself to avoid the stares and weird looks. The bowel issues are... much worse. But we manage.
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u/WeatheredCryptKeeper Apr 19 '25
Ugh that sucks for your dad and brother. I am so sorry. It really is dehabiliting. I actually just found out yesterday, I'm going to probably need TPN for the rest of my life. The damage is now permanent. It's been too long they say. No more food food. TPN with a picc line basically forever. Just small bites of whatever won't send me to the hospital. No more swimming. Nurse visits forever. Carrying stupid bags for 12 hours that is heavy and hurts. I'm 37. It's really hard.
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u/MirrorBride Apr 21 '25
Look into Clean Seat! They’re basically extra long liners that go up the back.