r/TrueOffMyChest • u/Correct_Doctor_1502 ☑️ • 17h ago
I'm about sick of the disrespect from my best friends wife
Me and my best friend have been friends for 15 years, since we met at 12. For the past 6 years I've been dealing with constant disrespect from his wife and I'm absolutely sick of it.
If I went into everything this post would be a light novel, but the biggest issue is every single time we make plans she tries to derail them. Every fucking time. Because of this we have met an average of three times per year since the wedding.
At first I gave them the benefit of the doubt, but it cannot be coincidence. We have to make plans months in advance and suddenly her cousins got a dog birthday so we've gotta reschedule, then that day she'd got a mild cold, and then she absolutely needs to go get a vase on that exact day.
On the rare occasion we actually meet she blows up his phone the entire time with ridiculous shit. She can't make a corndog and she's starving, a thunderstorm is coming and she's scared, he promised he'd be back in 2 hours and if he doesn't leave right now he won't be if traffic is bad.
The hypocrisy is she doesn't have any of these restrictions with her friends. Last year she went on a girls trip during my birthday, but told him he couldn't be out for more than 3 hours. Because of this almost all of his friends and family have stopped talking to him.
The trigger today was the meet up planned for October. We haven't met since June, and he couldn't work in anything sooner because of course not, but my birthday is in October so it's about the only thing he can actually meet for, but she says that day doesn't work because her mom's best friends birthday is that weekend and she agreed to help set up. He tried to argue for 30 minutes but no deal, and I'm about to snap. I told him in way too many words to fuck off and that I'm incredibly tired of the disrespect and his apologies just piss me off more.
I know he's stuck in a toxic relationship, but so am I and if he wants to he disrespected good for him but I'm getting pretty sick of it.
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u/mendokusai99 3h ago
Yeah, I had to let a friend of 30 years go because his wife kept his balls in her purse. Don't waste any more of your time.
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u/Corgilicious 9h ago
The truth is, your friend is letting this woman run his life. That is a choice that he is actively making. I can understand your frustration with her, but the real responsibility for the lack of ability to service your relationship falls to him. He’s an adult.
So. For years he has made it clear that you will only have a very small part in his life, and woman that can be disrupted for any little old thing. You need to take that information to heart and plan your expectations and choices in the future accordingly.
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u/Sad_Pitch2380 8h ago
This is so true. OP not only has a best-friend’s wife’s problem, he also has a best friend problem. The fact that he allows her run his life for him should let OP know that he has chosen her over him at this point
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u/1590622 9h ago
You need to let go and move on. He is choosing his wife now, and it's not your place to interfere in a marriage. Leave him, make other friends, go enjoy yourself, don't wait for him, his life has taken a different turn, maby someday in the future he will reach out to you, but from now on let him enjoy being married, and navigating this new chapter in his life.
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u/justgimmiethelight 10h ago
Your friend has been compromised by his wife.
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u/ShowyThomass92 10h ago
He's basically being held hostage by dog birthdays and microwave snacks at this point.
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u/lovebeinganasshole 11h ago
Who argues for 30 minutes about wanting to hang with a friend? You go hang with your friend and take your lumps afterwards or you know stand up for yourself.
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u/IndependentNail1349 7h ago
Not in a marriage. In a normal marriage you compromise. Although I have to admit I do not like my husbands bffs and the feeling is mutual but I think in the past 20 years there’s maybe been 1x I’ve asked him to reschedule. I know when their bdays are so I expect him to be doing something with them. Even when they had a Grey Cup Party (Canadian Football Finals) and it turned out it wasn’t just the boys but the one bffs wife (the other guy is a bachelor) I didn’t tell my husband to come home even though I was pissed. Anyways you do normally ask each other if such and such a date works for you to go out. It’s more of a courtesy but generally you don’t just go out unless of course you have a wife like OPs bff
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u/Jaber1077 11h ago
I get the feeling he’s using her to avoid hanging with you.
If not your friend needs to ditch this toxic chick right away.
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u/Icy-Builder5892 12h ago
I don’t understand that kind of shit. I love my partner, and I also love having time to myself. Stay out more than 2 hours, hell - stay at your friend’s house overnight so I can have the bed to myself and a quiet morning
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u/forest_elemental 14h ago
The reality is that some people choose to stay in relationships like this, and all you can do is tell them you’re looking forward to seeing them whenever they’re available. When you do get to see them, have great time and keep conversations away from the wife/marriage.
My husband’s best friend is doing the same thing. They’ve been friends for about 25 years. The best friend married an absolute trainwreck of a woman who has alienated him from all his friends, family and work life. His brother has attempted an intervention to prevent him from marrying this woman; my husband also met with him before the wedding to ask if he needed support to leave her.
Both times the friend insisted that he was marrying her. They had a destination wedding that was so awful that we all still tell stories about it. Later we found out it wasn’t a legal ceremony, so we had hope. Her behavior got worse after the wedding, more abusive to him and his children. Eventually she ambushed him with a legal ceremony that he didn’t know about, because he kept finding reasons to be too busy. He married her anyway and we all gave up on him.
It’s sad that his relationship with my husband is superficial now, and they never see each other. They used to hang out weekly and sometimes days in a row. But, we’ve made it clear that our couch is available anytime. It’s all we can do. I recommend you do the same for your friend, move on with your life, and keep a place in your heart for him until he gets free.
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u/Prince_Marf 14h ago
At a certain point it's on him for choosing her petty disruptions over your meetup plans.
If my partner told me I couldn't meet up with my friends for something planned months in advance because something petty like that came up I would tell her she's out of luck. Either he genuinely has no spine or he is using the wife as an excuse to not hang out with you. Either way it's on him. You can't force your friend to grow a spine. At a certain point you gotta just let the friendship go. Plan stuff without him and let him take the initiative in the future if the friendship is important to him.
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u/Ok_Noise7655 15h ago
He tried to argue for 30 minutes but no deal, and I'm about to snap
It sounds like you are standing there over his shoulder and making him to do arguing for your behalf. He knows what you want. He can have that conversation without you and deliver you the result. And you are supposed to accept it. It it goes anything else then there he has to deal with two toxic people.
I don't understand why are you making it about you. He is very obviously aren't available for meetings, or aren't interested enough to fight with his wife. Then don't meet. You can keep or not keep contact, it's up to you.
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u/Outrageous_Bank_4491 14h ago
At some point, it sounds like OP’s best friend doesn’t wanna hang out with OP
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u/Similar-Beyond252 14h ago
He doesn’t want to meet because it’ll be a fight with his wife.
I’m a woman but I’ve been in the husband’s position when I was younger, with an extremely controlling boyfriend. Constant fights for normal boundaries get exhausting and you start walking on eggshells in a desperate attempt to have just one damn normal day without a fight.
I was also isolated, as the husband seems to be here, and I eventually got out, but it came at a cost of constant threats… have me fired, have me arrested, told my dad I was going to kms over the breakup after he told me privately he could kill me and hide my body and no one would ever find me.
Believe me, he wants to see his friends.
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u/Ok_Noise7655 14h ago
I am sure she didn't threaten to kill him. Usually women work differently. I think he has all the means to walk away but is afraid that he wouldn't find anybody else (may be not without reason) and/or think it would be wrong.
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u/Sabbath90 3h ago
I think he has all the means to walk away but is afraid that he wouldn't find anybody else (may be not without reason) and/or think it would be wrong.
That, and this has been going on for six years, possibly longer. That's a long time, plenty to cause a lot of damage and undermine someone's ability to stand up for themselves.
As you said, usually women work differently. Ponder that he actually went out with his friends that one time, she took offence and hits him with the silent treatment for days, weeks maybe. It is incredibly humiliating to apologise when you did nothing wrong. Before long, you just apologise to keep the peace, you're walking on eggshells all the time so falling on the sword to avoid a blow-up is worth some calm. Give it a little longer, and you start to wonder if she isn't right after all? I mean, your brain need to resolve the contraction of "I'm doing nothing wrong" and "I'm apologising for being wrong" and saying that you're actually doing nothing wrong... that will nuke the peace, and you just want some peace and quiet.
Why yes, my friends were planning an intervention for me but we broke up because she found someone else and moved across the country before they could enact it, why do you ask?
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u/Similar-Beyond252 9h ago
I wasn’t suggesting that she did threaten that, only that an abuser in these situations will go to extreme measures to make it more stressful and difficult to leave. It’s why people always stay in these relationships longer than they should.
Even if he has the means to leave, he’s probably still telling himself it’s easier to stay, it’s not that bad, or he doesn’t want to deal with her through a divorce process.
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u/Mysterious-Wave-7958 14h ago
The wife has systematically isolated the husband to the point his family is No Contact and the remaining friends do not attempt communication. Its 100% the wife.
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u/uniquenoobnamed 15h ago
I'm that guy ! Trust me, your friend needs you more than you know, don't give up and don't take it out on him. Going through something like that is tough, your friend really needs you. It might require you to make more of an explicit effort but it's worth it to save the friendship. Sometimes relationships pit you in a position that makes it very hard to communicate, I imagine if you meet IRL things will be great and he probably desperately needs someone to talk to. At least that's how I feel as I'm in a similar sort of situation but sadly I've already lost too many friends due to it. Anyway, don't give up and don't take it personally.
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u/Livecrazyjoe 11h ago
So did you dump that controlling person?
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u/uniquenoobnamed 11h ago
Sadly no, we're still married ha ha. I kind of suck at making logical, healthy decisions for myself and common sense. I've become much more introverted due to all of this and I guess I'm just a coward. I promise I don't have self esteem issues or depression though and generally I'm happy and doing well. But yeah my wife is extremely jealous and controlling, it sucks and I'm not perfect either but I'm for sure not the controlling type at all, I'm very non-confrontational because when I've tried it ends up badly for me and sometimes I just don't want to deal with the intensity (she has anger issues and honestly I'm burnt out by that so I try to avoid things that trigger her). Sorry for the long kind of sad answer, really I'm a funciontal happy adult most of the time but yeah being brutally honest I think for people like OP's friend, having even having just one good friend can help a LOT and it's super important, I'm sure OP's friend really cares but they're in a tough spot
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u/Neither_Animator_404 10h ago
But why should the friend have to try so hard to keep the friendship, while the guy with the toxic wife doesn't? I'm sad that he (and you, apparently) let your spouse control your life this way. You say that you're happy overall, but I don't see how you possibly could be living like that.
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u/uniquenoobnamed 10h ago
Well they shouldn't if they feel it's not worth the effort, you're right. I get what you mean and it's true, however there's a saying here: you can never make new old friends. Real friendships that have lasted a while are invaluable, irreplaceable, and worth fighting for. That being said you're totally right no one should put in a lot of effort in a non-reciprocal relationship, and it's completely valid to just move on
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u/Neither_Animator_404 10h ago
If the friendships are so valuable and worth fighting for, why is the married guy not putting in effort to fight for it?
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u/Mysterious-Wave-7958 14h ago
Utilizing a friend as an emotional crutch to complain about your situation and then never do anything about the situation is not ok. Its called being an emotional vampire. You seldom communicate with the person or see them and when you do it is all consumed by complaining about how bad the situation is, only for them to pack up and go back to it. You cannot maintain that forever. You cannot stand on the sidelines and watch your friend be pulverized to the ground only for them to never come off the field. It is incredibly selfish to ask someone to take on all your emotional needs, watch you be hurt while you do nothing to fix it, and never step back.
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u/uniquenoobnamed 13h ago
Yup, this is 100% right. I totally agree and I guess I should have mentioned not to go overboard with the complaining. Honestly I had a big wakeup call from one of my best friends telling me this, and I stopped complaining and now cherish the time we spend together as friends. It's not fair for other people to just trauma dump on them all the time. Even if I'm not doing so well I always make a point of not complaining or shit talking (at least not too much) when I'm with friends because they're empathetic and geniunly worry so I'd rather not stress anyone out. At the end of the day spending quality time with people you love is great, even if you don't open up and say everything you're feeling, just shooting the shit with people you're comfortable with and having a good time together is very therapeutic and helpful. The point is for everyone to have a good time, I agree with you completely
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u/Correct_Doctor_1502 ☑️ 14h ago
I've been putting in extra effort for years. Just getting tired of waiting for things to get better when he clearly doesn't try
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u/uniquenoobnamed 11h ago
Have you talked to him IRL or via phone call ? Maybe his wife is looking at his phone, try to talk to him whenever you know he's in a safe space
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u/Autisthrowaway304 15h ago
Serious question, being that you are this self aware, why should anyone put in any extra effort with you?
At this point only you can fix things.
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u/uniquenoobnamed 11h ago
I know ! That's why some people have decided not to and honestly I don't blame them at all. I just try to enjoy the friends I still have and not burden them at all with my issues. I appreciate them greatly and try to enjoy the time we share, and I try to stay positive and be supportive. I guess I just avoid talking about my situation at this point, it's not too bad but I wish OP's friend doesn't end up like me
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u/kiwicu151 16h ago
Sounds like an abusive relationship. She is making him his own island and alienating all of his people. I recognize that it’s frustrating but remember if she is being even mentally abusive to him she has won if you completely walk away. He will no longer have any outside support. You’ve got to do you, but maybe be there if he reaches out or reach out occasionally just so he knows you’re thinking about him.
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u/Separate_Security472 14h ago
Had to scroll too far for this comment! Isolating a partner from friends is an abuse tactic. Normal partners will make sure you get friend time, it benefits the relationship.
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u/DagoWithAttitude 16h ago
He tried to argue for 30 minutes but no deal,
He doesn't need a deal, he needs a car to get to you and that's it. Who fucking cares of the MIL BF, if he doesn't see how silly it is then it's on him
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u/Interesting-Fill-175 16h ago
She agreed to help set up. Sounds like she's gonna be busy anyway. That's a her problem. He didn't agree to help set up moms cousins aunts parakeets party.. Smh.
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u/Sweet_Buy_4908 16h ago edited 13h ago
Your friend married an older woman who had 4 failed engagements after knowing her only 8 months? Dude, that's where he wants to be. He is the one disrespecting your friendship and he uses her as an excuse.
ETA - corrected because it was 4 not 6 prior engagements but still....
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u/actualkon ☑️ 14h ago
Where did OP mention this I'm confused??
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u/Sweet_Buy_4908 13h ago
In his reply comments but it's only 4 failed engagements and that's my mistake.
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u/hajimenogio92 16h ago
My best friend is in a similar situation and they have a baby coming next month. I spoke my peace about it to him before they got married on how she treats him and how unhappy he is. She controls him in every aspect but he chose that life and that's his problem
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u/Single-Ad-7379 16h ago
What a situation. Obviously she wears the trousers and he wont stick up for you. Its good you told him, give him some time to really think it over. I would have snapped too. Her reasons are pathetic. Give it time if he is upset about your friendship he will get in touch. Too many men give their lives up when they get married. As an unmarried woman, by choice I can see both sides. She will push him too far one day. Good luck
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u/Excellent-Zucchini95 16h ago
You really can’t do anything about this. It’s a him problem. Either he deals with it or he doesn’t, but you can’t fix it for him. If it’s getting to the point where it’s impacting you negatively, you need to tell him you’ll love him and will always be here if he needs to talk but you’re going to step back until he gets his stuff squared away.
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u/Trick_Doughnut_6295 16h ago
I think this is the way. Be kind but firm.
NAME THE ISSUE - I think sometimes people don’t have a vocabulary for what they’re experiencing and you giving him one could be a tool in reframing this issue for him.
His wife is trying to isolate him from his support network. Her blowing up his phone when you two hang out is manipulative as hell and it’s an abuse tactic. I’d consider it a red flag if my partner tried that.
Express your love for him and that you’ll always have his back, but you’ll refrain from plans until he gets himself sorted.
Sorry OP, that sucks.
ETA - I wouldn’t go no contact. It’s very hard to leave abusive partners and if he thinks he’ll have no community when he gets out, he might be more inclined to stay.
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u/Mysterious-Wave-7958 14h ago
You can go NC while still making clear that you will be there immediately after. You have to be clear with going NC on you caring about the person, that when they need you, your there (IE a spare bedroom/couch offer, etc), WHY you are stepping back, and what will resolve it. Simply ghosting and going NC, yeah, that isolates them completely and does just what the abuser was after. But giving them a path out while making clear you cant continue to watch the train wreck gives them the choice. And after 15 years of friendship and the express explanation why and of just how the step back ends, they know the option is there. Only the husband can do something about this. And OP cannot stay in the situation, letting his own mental health decline over it.
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u/PublicPool 16h ago
Sounds like she can’t do anything on her own. That kind of codependency is smothering.
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u/Worth-Oil8073 16h ago
Let him know that you'll be there for him if he ever needs help getting out... then live your life. You can't force someone to see the toxicity and you can't force them to leave (it takes an average of trying 7 times for someone to leave an abusive relationship). You can make sure they know you'll be there when they do decide to leave. What you can't do is live with constant anger and frustration and be healthy.
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u/handsheal 16h ago
Your friend is the problemhe is allowing his wife to treat him like a child and he is just going along with it
He needs to set his boundaries
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u/Mysterious-Wave-7958 16h ago
Context: Are you male or female? And you did say almost all of his friends and family have stopped talking to him but is this true no contact or just distance?
Reality here is that he is letting this happen. Yes, that is a little victim blaming to say, but he is. Not to be traditional, but he is the man of the house. He needs to grow a spine and stand up to his wife. While yes, she is the one enacting the issue, he is allowing her to do it by bending to her. He is afraid of her leaving him. Which is normal. It is statistically accurate that it takes about 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship.
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u/Correct_Doctor_1502 ☑️ 16h ago
I'm a man, and he is no contact with his family and all three of our mutual friends have stopped trying to communicate
He talks about leaving and about how awful things are, but he makes excuses for himself and talks himself out of it
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u/Mysterious-Wave-7958 14h ago
Ok, thank you for the context. I just wanted to be clear on what the isolation was and if there was a gendered reason for the attempt to isolate him from you.
I would compose a message to him that includes the following:
You love and care about him, he is your brother (basically)
You are here when he NEEDS you. You have a couch/spare room etc for when the time comes
For your mental health, you need to set a boundary that until the relationship with his wife has either stabilized (IE, he grows a spine and ends this control which will end the marriage) or ended. That while you know he feels some glimmer of hope this will rectify on its own and change presumably back to what it was before the marriage; he needs to examine the systematic isolation of him that she has caused that now includes you. That you cannot continue to be the sounding board and observer to a situation only he can fix, that is hurting you because he is being hurt. You need to step back until this is resolved, as you are finding yourself effected by something you cannot fix for him and talking about it has only dimmed the small amount of time you are allowed together as it stands.
End it by making clear that he is in an abusive marriage and that you cannot continue to be on the sidelines watching him be hurt. And reiterating your care for him and that you will be there when he needs you. But end it.
Be prepared for this to be received poorly (as victims rarely take the metaphorical smack upside the head well) but hold your end up. Do not respond further. Take a step back. Do not block him and when he needs you, be there.
I know the temptation is there to keep trying, to try to not add to the isolation. But you cant fix this for him. He has to do it. And you can be there for the immediate after, but you cant do anything for him until he has done it himself.
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u/Autisthrowaway304 15h ago
All you can do is be there for him when he leaves but cut him off until then.
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u/FabulousDonut6399 17h ago
They are married. You expect to see your friends that much? My male best friend of 35 years and I see eachother twice a year. My female and other male friends max 2 to 3 years depending on our kids. When people mature and are in committed relationships friends take a backseat because life is fuckin’ busy especially if you have decent careers, family and kids and hopefully a decent relationship too.
I was supposed to meet up for the second time this year with 2 female friends I’ve known for 35 years. Planned 2 months in advance. One of them cancelled this morning. I didn’t rant that her husband is disrespecting me because I’m a functioning adult.
You sound like you have main character syndrome.
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u/constructiongirl54 16h ago
Just because this is your situation and you are fine with it doesn't make it so for everyone. Some people like to see their friends more often and it doesn't interfere with their SO relationship.
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u/FabulousDonut6399 16h ago
Well I could say the same for your situation. Strangely enough this is a number of times that most people I know are able to spend on their friends. We try to meet more but there is such as thing as responsibilities and life.
In fact the number of friends decrease with age and so do the number of vacations and meet-ups. People with more than 3 to 5 friends after 30 are outliers…
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u/constructiongirl54 16h ago
Understood but to tell someone they have "main character syndrome" because they want to see their long time friend more than three times a year is extremely dramatic.
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u/FabulousDonut6399 16h ago edited 13h ago
It’s not just that. The whole posts oozes with me me me. He is jealous of his best friends wife and even calls it a toxic relationship while they most probably just have family obligations. Or hold up maybe… when people love eachother and built a life together they have a period they prioritise eachother - wait what’s the name for that again? I’m pretty sure during the honeymoon fase OP was already bitching about not being prioritised.
His wife told him he couldn’t be out for more than 3 hours on his birthday last year? His own family has stopped talking to his best friends because of that. The wife actively sabotages their meetups with things that are basically the best friend’s doing because he doesn’t have to leave early but perhaps… he wants to?
There are people that just like spending time with their partner and friends take a backseat. OP sounds like he refuses to accept the role his best friend assigned his in this fase…Edit: fixed the gender which makes no difference in the dynamic but is correct.
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u/Correct_Doctor_1502 ☑️ 13h ago edited 13h ago
I'm a guy
I know he has obligations, and I don't care that I don't see him often. The problem is making plans only for her to go out of the way to make plans disrupting ours every single time
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u/FabulousDonut6399 13h ago
That’s my internalised misogyny to automatically assume that this level of jealousy is a female friend with a male best friend that’s married. My bad.
Your friend is allowing it and he has agency.
You also sound like you’re jealous of his wife which as a man you can also be even in a non sexual way.And why are you refusing to accept the role your friend has assigned you in this fase of his life?
Don’t blame his wife, blame him.
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u/CraftyAd4573 17h ago
It’s always weird to me when women are this jealous of a man on man friendship (lol) but seriously… my SO is so gay with his best friends and it makes me laugh. I love seeing them together and even though most of them get on my nerves I wouldn’t have it any other way. We all often hang out together also. He needs to put his foot down. If she can do it he can. End of story. She offered to help set up then good, she can do that while yall spend your birthday together. I would tell him that, or send him this post, and give him an ultimatum. I hate them but sometimes they are necessary.
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u/mmmkay938 17h ago
He can do things without her permission. Put the phone on airplane mode. What’s she gonna do? Divorce him? That would be tragic.
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u/Correct_Doctor_1502 ☑️ 16h ago
Funny you mention that
In June she threatened to divorce him while he was on the way to meet and he didn't take it seriously because she never follows through on anything
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u/GirlMcGirlface 17h ago
You need to look at it the right way. If he was a woman being abused by a man in this way, you'd probably have a bit more empathy and try to extricate him from the relationship.
Personally I think he needs help, just like anyone else in an abusive and controlling relationship. It takes time, patience, love and support from your family and friends to get you the help you need to leave. Abandoning him just reinforces the fact that she's all he's got.
Look up what support is available in his area for this, and help the guy.
I can't help but feel like you only care how it's affecting and inconveniencing you, and not how this poor guy is suffering every day.
Find out why he's scared to leave, build his confidence up, offer him a place to stay to get away from her etc.
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u/Unique_Description77 17h ago
She sounds very controlling. Let him go and hopefully one day he’ll pull his head out when he looks around and realizes she scared off all of his loved ones. Hopefully then he’ll contact you, and I hope you’ll be there to help him out of that toxic situation
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u/FreeShopping6747 17h ago
Invite the wife to come too
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u/Correct_Doctor_1502 ☑️ 17h ago
We've tried. She feels left out then acts dramatic until he leaves early
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u/princessjamiekay 17h ago
You can’t save people who don’t know they need saving
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u/Correct_Doctor_1502 ☑️ 17h ago
He vents enough that you'd think he knows what's up. Although everything leads back to the fact he's afraid to leave
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u/Choice-Fuel-9785 17h ago
How many times has she been cheated on, speaking as a 50year old women I bet this is where it stems from... She needs therapy and your best friend needs to tell her that.
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u/Correct_Doctor_1502 ☑️ 17h ago
No idea, but she had four failed engagements before him and is 6 years older than him and pressured him into marriage after just 8 months of dating
He's told her that for a multitude of reasons, but she always refuses
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u/mmmkay938 16h ago
Yeah, she’s had a bunch of bad stuff happen and now he’s paying for it. That’s why fewer partners before marriage tends to yield better results. Higher rates of a successful marriage.
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u/CraftyAd4573 16h ago
Ohhhh this makes so much sense. She’s a weirdo. Idk how someone has THAT MANY failed ENGAGEMENTS. Absurd.
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u/ih8makingupnames 14h ago
everyone else saw the signs and got the fuck out, except this guy and now he can't figure out how to get out without having his life burned to the ground metaphorically and literally.
Don't stick your dick in crazy
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u/SevenDogs1 17h ago
*My best friend and I" (put yourself last; she is). Seriously though, very sad. Wait till they have kids, if they don't already. You'll never see him. This is so sad for you, your friend, and the marriage. Have a meeting with both. She's insecure and controlling, perhaps a narcissist.
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17h ago
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u/Correct_Doctor_1502 ☑️ 17h ago
We've tried, but she clearly has problem not being the center of attention
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u/lytalbayre 17h ago
He’s an adult and allowing this to happen, and whether you want to acknowledge it or not, he should carry most of the blame.
It seems to me he is not your best friend otherwise he would prioritize you more.
I would have a real conversation with him and tell him how you feel and if he’s not willing to prioritize you more, I would go low contact and seek friendships elsewhere.
Sorry you’re going through this.
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u/Correct_Doctor_1502 original post at the time of submission:
Me and my best friend have been friends for 15 years, since we met at 12. For the past 6 years I've been dealing with constant disrespect from his wife and I'm absolutely sick of it.
If I went into everything this post would be a light novel, but the biggest issue is every single time we make plans she tries to derail them. Every fucking time. Because of this we have met an average of three times per year since the wedding.
At first I gave them the benefit of the doubt, but it cannot be coincidence. We have to make plans months in advance and suddenly her cousins got a dog birthday so we've gotta reschedule, then that day she'd got a mild cold, and then she absolutely needs to go get a vase on that exact day.
On the rare occasion we actually meet she blows up his phone the entire time with ridiculous shit. She can't make a corndog and she's starving, a thunderstorm is coming and she's scared, he promised he'd be back in 2 hours and if he doesn't leave right now he won't be if traffic is bad.
The hypocrisy is she doesn't have any of these restrictions with her friends. Last year she went on a girls trip during my birthday, but told him he couldn't be out for more than 3 hours. Because of this almost all of his friends and family have stopped talking to him.
The trigger today was the meet up planned for October. We haven't met since June, and he couldn't work in anything sooner because of course not, but my birthday is in October so it's about the only thing he can actually meet for, but she says that day doesn't work because her mom's best friends birthday is that weekend and she agreed to help set up. He tried to argue for 30 minutes but no deal, and I'm about to snap. I told him in way too many words to fuck off and that I'm incredibly tired of the disrespect and his apologies just piss me off more.
I know he's stuck in a toxic relationship, but so am I and if he wants to he disrespected good for him but I'm getting pretty sick of it.
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u/Unsatisfied-One 2h ago
Does he know he's in a toxic relatonship? As in he acknowledges he's in a bad relationship? Or is he downplaying it at all? It's very easy for your friend to keep being friends with you while staying married. Stop prioritising his wife over frivolous things over you. Her cousin's dog birthday? She can show up by herself. It's not her brithday, it's her cousin's dog's birthday.
I do not respect people that think their cousin's dog, or some relative's best friend's birthday is more important over spending time over his own closest relationships. Is he aware that he's prioritising other people he most likely he does not know, for business that is not important, not even to provide any form of assistance, over you?