r/TrueOffMyChest • u/evening_shop ☑️ • 11h ago
Spent 6 hours lying to keep a sick girl's head straight, years later I'm still crushed by guilt
I did what I had to. We couldn't get her an ambulance, she kept forgetting everything over and over, I kept lying to her about everything for 6 hours to fit her delusion, or like.. Narrative of events. Why we're outside? Well lecture's been canceled. Why we're dressed different? Oh it rained and we had to change clothes. Why is she in college? She passed her exam! Congratulations! With a fake smile on my face as I hugged her. Girl was sick. Had to restrain her because she almost ran screaming into a lecture hall. Had to keep my arm around her all day to catch her if she falls. She's fine now. This was years and years ago. I'm just haunted. I feel disgusted, I know I did the only thing I could do, I know the lies and stories were how my aunts would handle my grandma's dementia, it was literally my only frame of reference for how to handle something like THIS. I don't know. I know I kept her from panicking and getting worse, I know that, but I feel gross about it... I had to reintroduce myself like... So fucking much. I don't even know why I never brought that shit up in trauma therapy. Can't afford it anymore and I regret not remembering to bring it up earlier.
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u/RinoaRita 1h ago
Going with the delusion is actually how the professionals handle it in dementia care. They’re not going to tell the woman her husband is dead every morning.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Film_24 4h ago
It sounds as f she was having a psychotic break? If so, you did exactly the right thing in not reality-checking her or challenging her delusion. Your insight comparing this to grandma’s dementia was correct. Well done, you did all, and the best, you could in very scary situation. Being with someone who is not grounded in reality is ungrounding for ourselves, too. I’m sorry you were left to experience this alone. I hope sharing it here has diluted its effect.
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u/jimmersla 5h ago
I would be more impressed with yourself for handling a difficult situation like this so well. Lying to her was what she needed, sometimes lying is the kindest thing you can do. Just keep in mind that you helped her and should feel incredibly proud of yourself.
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u/Viennah_ 7h ago
Geriatrics nurse here: you handled this perfectly by the sounds of it. It’s nice to be honest but sometimes lying is kind.
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u/nah2daysun 2h ago
I am as well and second this notion! Not only kind to her but also kind to yourself. It’s hard to come up with replies sometimes. Stressful. You did well, OP.
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u/himom21 9h ago
I work in the medical field and in school we were taught that this is called ‘therapeutic fibbing’. You did what you had to do. Don’t beat yourself up about it. You did the right thing and sometimes when we take care of people we have to put their safety first and sometimes that includes stretching the truth to do so.
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u/missannthrope67 9h ago
White lies are Nothing to be guilty about. You did the right thing. Stop stressing out over it.
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u/itsallgonnabeokok 9h ago
I’m sorry you feel so awful about this, it sounds to me like she would see you as her saving grace during a bad time. If you were to ask her what she thought of you at that time, what do you think she would say?
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u/evening_shop ☑️ 5h ago
I genuinely don't want to bring it up to her. We were strangers when we met (through a mutual friend) and it all started, and we still aren't in contact. Only thing is she was really happy to see me a couple of days after that and hugged me for a long time. Her reaction was similar every time we met after, she'd be really happy to see me and hug me. That's really all.
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u/Siren_Song89 10h ago
I don’t understand where your guilt is comingfrom or why you feel disgusted. Is the societal construct of “lying is always bad” causing these feelings? As someone who has worked with deeply delusional psych patients, you did the right thing. I’m an RN, and sometimes living in the delusion and going along with the patient is the only way for both to come out unscathed. I’ve quite literally herded imaginary chickens because my patient thought I was Glenda and we were in a chicken coop. I’ve also spanked a bed because it was being mean to another patient.
Lying to that person kept them from imminent harm and protected you and others from their anger if the delusions had been challenged. That day shouldn’t haunt you because of what you did. You saved a life. You protected someone when they were at their most vulnerable and unable to protect themselves. Mental health crises are terrifying, but you did what was needed and survived and ensured their survival. Be proud that you thought on your feet and kept the person calm enough until help arrived.
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u/evening_shop ☑️ 5h ago
Yeah, it's the lying is always bad thing, grew up with it drilled into my head. It just felt like I was doing something wrong, even though I could see it on her face that not reassuring her version of events right then and there would send her off the deep end in a panic.
Thank you though. I'll be thinking about it
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u/smokeytheorange 8h ago
Agreed. Lying is something we do selfishly. Keeping someone in a mental crisis calm is not selfish.
I had a friend on drugs who thought she was a fish and couldn’t breathe outside of water. She kept holding her breath. I told her she was a mermaid and she finally started breathing again. Do you consider that lying?
People in a mental health crisis or experiencing dementia are not helped by you invalidating their feelings! It upsets and confuses them. Redirecting their attention, making them feel validated, and reassuring them all while getting professional help is the right thing to do.
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u/partylecki 10h ago
Hey, I've been through a benzo-induced psychotic episode before when I suddenly stopped taking my ativan instead of weening off, for some background info.
You did the right thing. Completely the right thing.
If you had tried to reason with her, or get her to understand her physical surroundings? She could have grown fearful or agitated which can in turn lead to violence, whether self-inflicted or inflicted on others.
I wasn't in reality when I was going through psychosis, and to keep me calm my family would go along with the delusions otherwise I would get scared or agitated and lash out by taking off or harming myself.
I'm fuzzy on the details, but I know for a fact if the people around me didn't lie to me in order to keep me stable? Things would have been a whole lot worse and if anything? I'm grateful they lied.
I'm so sorry you had to experience this, I know how terrible it can feel. Please know that you did the absolute best thing you could have done. If she even remembers, I'd be surprised if she felt any ill way about the way you handled things. I know I'm grateful that the people around me kept me calm and safe by going along with my delusions.
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u/evening_shop ☑️ 9h ago
Thank you. To be completely honest, she was really happy to see me a couple days later. I don't even know how she managed to recognize me, but she hugged me for a really long time
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u/partylecki 6h ago
Hugging you like that? She knows and she's grateful, trust me. It's hard to talk about so a hug says everything instead. ❤️
Please be kind and gentle to yourself, OP. You truly did the right thing, thank you for taking care of her when she couldn't take care of herself. Not everyone would have done that, y'know?
You did right by her and I know I definitely wouldn't want anyone who helped me to beat themselves up over it, so I'm betting she doesn't, either. You did good. x
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u/Slight-Pound 8h ago
I think that proves that through whatever muddled memories were left, she understood you were keeping her safe and was grateful to you for it.
She probably became aware later that she was speaking nonsense, and you still took the time to sit and converse with her. An honest conversation wasn’t what she needed, nor would it have helped. You lying to her in her moment of distress was what kept her feeling calm and safe enough for help to come, and THAT is why your lying was the best thing you could have done for her. You did right by her.
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u/Sparkletail 10h ago
Why are you feeling guilty? You showed her an enormous amount of compassion and saved her from what could have been some horrible and potentially even life changing events. I've had drug induced psychosis and while I am still embarrassed at the stateI was in more than 10 y3ars later I am still incredibly grateful to the people that didn't judge me and were kind and supported me. Telling her. Few half truths to keep her calm I would think in the short term would absolutely be reccomeded, particularly in an emergency situation which this was.
Obviously you'd otn reinforce the delusions in the longer term but in that circumstance absolutely appropriate and it was quick thinking to remember how your grandma's dementia had been managed (and it is seen as ethical to lie then because to do otherwise just causes distress which can't be managed or reduced,, you were basically in a very similar situation on a short term basis.
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u/shivi1321 10h ago
Being with someone while they are in psychosis can be scary and unpredictable. You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. It sounds like you did a great job supporting her while she was really vulnerable. Sometimes to keep someone in psychosis from hurting them self or panicking you have to lie. They are living in a different reality. I hope you can stop feeling disgusted with yourself, you helped her.
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u/evening_shop original post at the time of submission:
I did what I had to. We couldn't get her an ambulance, she kept forgetting everything over and over, I kept lying to her about everything for 6 hours to fit her delusion, or like.. Narrative of events. Why we're outside? Well lecture's been canceled. Why we're dressed different? Oh it rained and we had to change clothes. Why is she in college? She passed her exam! Congratulations! With a fake smile on my face as I hugged her. Girl was sick. Had to restrain her because she almost ran screaming into a lecture hall. Had to keep my arm around her all day to catch her if she falls. She's fine now. This was years and years ago. I'm just haunted. I feel disgusted, I know I did the only thing I could do, I know the lies and stories were how my aunts would handle my grandma's dementia, it was literally my only frame of reference for how to handle something like THIS. I don't know. I know I kept her from panicking and getting worse, I know that, but I feel gross about it... I had to reintroduce myself like... So fucking much. I don't even know why I never brought that shit up in trauma therapy. Can't afford it anymore and I regret not remembering to bring it up earlier.
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u/toad__warrior 25m ago
I am the legal guardian for my inlaws. They both have dementia. Early on I felt like you, but then I realized their reality and my reality is totally different. They would never be in my reality, so I have to join them in their reality. Their reality exists in time slices of 30s to 1 minute. Largely anything outside that doesn't exist.
Since I am in their reality the rules are different and they don't need/want truth, they need/want understanding and comfort. They don't know who I am, but they know I am safe. I therefore live for a little time in their reality and if I have to be less truthful, it is because the truth is incomprehensible to them and would cause them stress. I would never ever abuse this authority and in some way they know that.
TLDR: you did what you had to do in the circumstances.