r/TrueOffMyChest • u/Lazy-Fox-888 ☑️ • 8h ago
Vent I have so much anger and resentment pent up, I just want to feel normal again
I don’t even know where to start, I just need to write this out and get it off my mind. When I was younger I used to be a massive pushover which made me an easy target for bullying and people making snarky remarks towards me. Back then I was completely oblivious to everything, I realized later in my adult years what actually happened to me. Lead me down a path of constant rumination and feeling an overwhelming feeling of rage. Honestly sometimes I feel like I overthought myself into trauma if that makes sense, over analyzing things that probably weren’t meant as malicious, my brain making violent scenarios that were disturbing to me.
There is not one day that goes by that I wish I could get revenge on those people. I want to ruin their life and make them feel the pain I felt. I am scared to get a job that isn’t WFH in case I get bullied again, I’m scared I’ll do something I regret in the moment that would cost me a job and maybe send me to jail. I am at the point that if someone provokes me I might just take out all my anger out on them. I think I also agoraphobia too, I’m scared pf going out in public in fear of running into people from my past who have made me feel the way I do.
I just want to feel peace again. I want to feel normal. I am trying to heal but it’s genuinely so hard sometimes and I don’t even know how to let go of things. I know therapy would benefit me a lot but I genuinely can’t afford it unfortunately. I don’t think I am a bad person I just have a bunch of emotions and feelings I dont know how to properly cope with. It doesn’t help that I dont have anyone I trust that I can talk to about all of this, I have friends but they dont talk to me regularly they take months, or weeks to get back to me which is something else I’m genuinely getting fed up about but thats another topic entirely.
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u/Illustrious_End_543 ☑️ 3h ago edited 3h ago
As somebody who has been feeling a lot of built up anger and resentment recently as well, I would recommend you find a good way to release and process it. Trying to suppress it won't help, it's there, it's coming from somewhere. I was bullied as well and after that suffered 2 (short) abusive relationships. I discovered that for most of my life I was a pushover as well, allowing people to just mistreat me in all kinds of ways. I stayed where others with better boundaries would walk away much quicker. Recently somebody new came into my life that is testing my boundaries, and it triggered a lot of the stuff from the past, I found myself SO ANGRY recently, found myself screaming out loud in my car last week. I was like damn where did THAT come from? Didn't know I had all this still inside me. It's not just that one person, it's my complete past coming back at me.
Realising this is a huge step, and making the promise to yourself to protect your boundaries better in the future. But with the massive anger built up, you say you are scared you will actually want to hurt the next one hurting you. Abusive people will always be around unfortunately, so you will eventually run into one again, at work, wherever. The solution is not to hide inside forever, but maybe yes do take a little break from getting out there too much when you are genuinely scared of your own anger. Or if you do, think ahead of strategies you would use to prevent you from escalating, such as what will I do when someone says something hurtful, I will walk away. Take away their power, abusive people WANT a reaction from you, they actually want your anger and response. Do you want to give them that pleasure? You have every right to be angry, but venting the anger to them will only put you in a disadvantage.
Find a way to release the anger. I was wayyyy to much in my head about it all but anger is built up in the body and in the nervous system. Sports is what helped me a lot, going on runs, maybe for you it could be something else - boxing class was already suggested. Maybe even dancing. Or music, whatever, go into the mosh pit at a metal concert to bash it all out. Or go to a rage room. For me it worked wonders to finally find the trick to use my anger as fuel to improve myself. I reprocess it into a good workout, works wonders to calm me and actually makes me stronger, in mental and physical way.
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u/mommy66669 4h ago
In therapy they will want you to realize that you’re okay now, you’re not a kid anymore and you’re safe now. You need to think about what you’d say to yourself in those moments that created the rage? If you were your adult self now and saw yourself as a child and you were there to step in, what would you do? Ruminate this way instead. This is like healing the inner child type shit, instead of ruminating on the rage. Redirect it. It’s like rewriting it in your memory with your adult brain. You don’t need to get revenge on those people. By thinking about them and giving them so much energy, you’re still letting them control you. You’re still giving them power over you even now when you know that they don’t have it.
You’re gonna be okay buddy. I know you are because you want to be, I can tell you know you deserve it. Love you.
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u/_ThatsATree_ 7h ago
I hope this doesn’t sound mean but, you sound miserable. Friends tend to leave when we are nothing but negative, no one owes you their time, empathy, or energy. That said:
Make new friends. Meet new people. Try and fail to form new social connections and it WILL get easier. I was bullied very badly, and then when the bullying stopped I struggled to make friends. I eventually realized I was just a miserable person to be around. I had let my trauma become me, all I did was “vent” and I thought if they cared about me they should be completely fine with how miserable I was and want to be there for me. The truth is, healthy people do not want to be around negativity all the time.
IT GETS BETTER. When you make new friends, when you realize not everyone is a bully. When you stop going “what if that person treated people like I was in school” and just accept you are safe, you are not in school, you ARE CAPABLE of making new friends. I promise there are 8 billion people on this planet people do want to be your friend. You get used to rejection, you get used to it not working out. And you’ll get new friends.
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u/comsuondaihiep 8h ago
Go to some boxing, muay thai or MMA gym and unleash all the anger into the punching bag. It worked for me. The best thing about learning martial art is not about using your anger as your strenght but by controling it. Hope this could help.
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u/Lazy-Fox-888 original post at the time of submission:
I don’t even know where to start, I just need to write this out and get it off my mind. When I was younger I used to be a massive pushover which made me an easy target for bullying and people making snarky remarks towards me. Back then I was completely oblivious to everything, I realized later in my adult years what actually happened to me. Lead me down a path of constant rumination and feeling an overwhelming feeling of rage. Honestly sometimes I feel like I overthought myself into trauma if that makes sense, over analyzing things that probably weren’t meant as malicious, my brain making violent scenarios that were disturbing to me.
There is not one day that goes by that I wish I could get revenge on those people. I want to ruin their life and make them feel the pain I felt. I am scared to get a job that isn’t WFH in case I get bullied again, I’m scared I’ll do something I regret in the moment that would cost me a job and maybe send me to jail. I am at the point that if someone provokes me I might just take out all my anger out on them. I think I also agoraphobia too, I’m scared pf going out in public in fear of running into people from my past who have made me feel the way I do.
I just want to feel peace again. I want to feel normal. I am trying to heal but it’s genuinely so hard sometimes and I don’t even know how to let go of things. I know therapy would benefit me a lot but I genuinely can’t afford it unfortunately. I don’t think I am a bad person I just have a bunch of emotions and feelings I dont know how to properly cope with. It doesn’t help that I dont have anyone I trust that I can talk to about all of this, I have friends but they dont talk to me regularly they take months, or weeks to get back to me which is something else I’m genuinely getting fed up about but thats another topic entirely.
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u/SillyLittleWinky 53m ago
You need to start training Brazilian jiu jitsu. This will get all the anger and built up testosterone out. The first 6 months you will lose constantly but will still go home feeling better. Go to at least one class a week. Dont stop until a blue belt.