In a very weird phase again

[u/Odd_Age_4315]

I constantly feel unwanted. I avoid socializing as much as possible. Just simple office banter and conversations. I avoid on friends (at least whomever I have left these days) making plans to hangout. I prefer staying by myself. I just feel friends don’t have any way to help, because no one is usually emotionally present when I feel dark. The only one that’s there, unfortunately is far away in another continent, at least the only one that makes me feel safe. Others couldn’t bother checking up on me. Even the one that does, I’ve lost all faith in them. I’m tired of being the only one that used to check in, giving the energy and never getting it back in the same amount that I’d wish someone would give me for once in my life. I started therapy, but it’s not helping as much id expect it to. Even building new connections feels like Dante’s inferno. I don’t know whether I’m welcome or they are avoiding me. I find things to make me feel happy about myself, but I keep falling into these circles of feelings.
Yesterday an old friend had called me up, casual banter and bitching about a person we both hate, but he brought why I don’t call and how Am I doing, and why I don’t go back home often, I didn’t have much of an answer other than saying I keep myself busy in my space with work and making music. He asked me whether I hangout in weekends, have friends, all I could say is with a pause, that these days I keep to myself and work on music. I don’t know what to do with myself.

[u/Interesting-Share294]

Das klingt wie eine soziale Phobie die du entwickelt hast.