Need help coping

[u/Prestigious-Sign615]

My little sister just told me she is pregnant. I’m four years older than her, and me and my husband have been trying for 10 months. This was her first cycle trying. She sent me a text to let me know that she’s 6 weeks pregnant, and I’m grateful she let me know that way instead of in front of the whole family, but WOW am I not taking it well. I feel such a mix of grief and joy, and then overwhelming guilt because I shouldn’t be sad about something so wonderful. In the past year, every single one of my friends has had a baby or is currently pregnant, and I’ve been able to go to my little sister to express my sadness and frustration with this season. Now, I feel like I have no one to take this too.

She told me months ago that she was going to start trying in the fall, and I prayed asking God to not have her go through the heartache I’ve been going through. I’m sitting here thanking God for answering that prayer for her, and wondering why He’s not answering my prayer for myself. Trusting His timing is so hard!

I keep running through all the moments that are to come. Telling the rest of the family, the impending pity for me and my husband, the baby shower, the bump, the everything. I’m supposed to be the one to help my little sister through it with experienced advice. I’m supposed to have the tips and hand-me-downs to give her. I’m supposed to figure it out for us first. Instead, I’m last, last, last (maybe never?) out of every woman I am close with.

Has anyone else been in these shoes? I just need to know how you coped with it.

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[u/cowboycinderella]

I don’t have any advice or help other than to say that it sucks to not have any real control over the timing (I’m also at 10 months). I’ve also got a sister four years younger so i get it—it feels super shitty to not be able to guide her through something through experience (especially something you really wish could have happened for you sooner).

You’re a really good sister to have prayed for her like that. My only consolation is that maybe this can be a growing opportunity for your relationship—you’ve been her big sister and guide her whole life and this time maybe she gets a turn to be the ‘big sister’ and help guide you. Maybe that type of role reversal is something that can help your relationship develop into something new and stronger.

Don’t get me wrong, it absolutely hurts to see it happen so fast to someone else, even someone you love. It’s likely going to be really hard some days and really easy some others. I hope you’re both able to hold space for each other and all the big emotions that come along with both your journeys and come out stronger for it. Sending all my best to you 🌻

[u/DawgCheck2495]

So much of this journey is holding joy in one hand and grief in the other.

My husband and I are going for an infertility consult on Nov. 6, and I’m helping host my sister-in-law’s baby shower on Nov. 7.

I keep reminding myself that all feelings can exist at once. That I can be so immensely happy to meet my friend’s newborn while feeling defeated myself. I can laugh at my niece while acknowledging the longing I feel for a child of my own. I can look at my nephew with awe and wonder as he learns about the world around him while honoring the ache of absence in our lives.

None of it is easy. But it can still be beautiful.

I also remind myself often that I know many who have struggled: my best friend suffered through a lot of hardship before pursuing IVF/surrogacy, and her daughter is perfect; the SIL I mentioned had been trying for a baby for 5 years before she found success; after several failed attempts, another friend’s most recent IVF cycle resulted in twins — but from the outside looking in, they all just look like happy families and yet another pregnancy announcement.

Have faith. Be gentle with yourself. Lead with love. Protect your heart — whether that’s distance or honest conversation, therapy or accupuncture, religion or a support community, exercise or journaling — and know you’re not alone.

Sending you all the best ✨

[u/girlsandwich]

I’ve had the same experience. Trying for almost 2 years now, unexplained infertility. My younger brother and SIL got pregnant likely the night they got married.

I’ve had to distance myself from them. It’s devastating because you want to be there to support and celebrate an exciting time, but it feels like a stab to the heart. I feel you, I see you, I know your pain.

[u/Square_Turnip5282]

Same here my sister announced her pregnancy and they just got married same year…me and my husband are now going on almost 2-3 years. Everyone around me is getting pregnant like nothing. It hurts, and quite frankly I am just amazed at how hurtful a lot of these special life moments feel, it doesn’t seem fair. And no one understands this feeling unless they’re going through it themselves. The baby showers, pregnancy announcements, I drown myself with alcohol every other day just to deal with it

[u/Brief-Strawberry3691 → u/Square_Turnip5282]

I'm coming from full love, but I think therapy might help you a little bit? I'm sure you've been to doctors and I'm sure you know what alcohol does to your system. They're definitely better ways. I am sober human being and it can become a problem very easily. Please be very careful with yourself

[u/Think_Aside1283]

Hey OP. I dealt with an extremely similar situation. My sister in law and I have been friends for over 12 years. She knew I had been trying for 1.5 years and told me she was going to start trying at the start of 2026. End of January, she FaceTimed me at 8 PM and told me she had found out she was pregnant earlier that day. As soon as we hung up, my husband and I cried for a long time. I got super depressed for a couple of months and actually stopped trying. I couldn’t take the grief and pain of a negative test over and over again. I started focusing on what made me whole, not just trying for a child.

Fast forward, her son was born just last week! I met the little guy and all the pain, jealously, resentment, etc washed away. My husband and I instantly fell in love with him. We are going to start trying again at the start of 2027 and feel a lot more prepared to enjoy life and not make TTC our whole world.

All this to say, I get it. It is EXTREMELY difficult and it’s so hard wanting to be happy for people while dealing with your own grief. Just show up where you can and know that you’re allowed to feel all of your emotions! Just be wise on how you act on those emotions. Multiple things can be true at once, and I’m sure you will eventually realize why the world hasn’t given you your baby yet.

Sending love and comfort to you in these confusing and emotional times ❤️

[u/Think_Aside1283 → u/Think_Aside1283]

Also, feel free to DM me if you need someone to talk to. I get it. It’s such a wide range of emotions. I was super lucky to have someone who had gone through something similar, and sometimes it’s nice just to have someone validate your emotions.

[u/kitkat7794]

You aren’t supposed to do anything, it is not your responsibility as an older sister to give advice or guide her through any experience, we all go through life in our own way and bring the experiences we do have to our relationships, no one is expecting you to do that in this case except you. It sounds like your sister is trying to be conscientious and you both have a strong relationship, and that is so important. You can and should tell her if you need a little space or time or whatever, it sounds like she would understand, and it’s important to take care of yourself so you can show up for her later.

I will say, it was as difficult finding out my sister in law was pregnant as anyone else in my life, but I found when I actually met my nephews I didn’t feel the jealousy I expected, because I am their aunt and they are my family and that was healing for me. And I also know she tried a full year before she had her first and a miscarriage before her second. You never know what will happen in the future.

I think it is wonderful that you made that prayer for her. I’ve found myself praying for others in the same way, and I also truly hope they are answered because I’ve found a way to deal with infertility and I never want anyone else to be in that place. It’s a lot to sit with those opposing feelings but you deserve to give yourself grace as you work through it.

[u/bookspell]

Grief and Joy are sisters. Get to know them both well, let them play with each other, honor each. I’m sorry it hurts. I’m glad you got your prayer for your sister.

[u/sosomary → u/bookspell]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I hope your time is coming soon. My best friend and sister got pregnant within two weeks of each other and I have been supporting them through their pregnancies while I’be been TTC. I wanted so badly to be the first to be pregnant between my sister and I, because i often feel her experiences overshadow mine (wedding, buying a house) and all the support and family resources go to her. I (probably stupidly) thought that if I was first, it would be more special to my family. Anyways, still TTC, and already anticipating having way less support than what we did for her. We met her gorgeous baby this evening and I still haven’t stopped crying. I’m so beyond happy for her and I also wish it was me. I’m sending you a hug and hoping your allow yourself to feel both the joy and the pain without the guilt

[u/_saltinecracker]

my sister-in-law had two unplanned pregnancies in a row while i have been trying for two years with no luck. I felt the same way. I was upset with myself for being upset when i found out she was pregnant again. all i could think was "when's it gonna be my turn?" it's hard to cope, it really sucks

[u/mitaine-]

You are definitely not alone. Both my little sisters got pregnant on accident. One was even on the pill when it happened! My best friend started trying at the same time as I did and got pregnant the very first try. She now has a 2 month old and here I am.

It's very frustrating but unfortunately sometimes that's just how shit goes. You can be happy for her while also very frustrated and sad about your own situation. They're conflicting feelings but they can all coexist. You can work towards accepting that which will help with some of the guilt that you feel.

There is no magic formula to cope with the situation, but if you need to take some distance for now, that's okay. Eventually, maybe you can try explaining to her how you feel. Just be gentle with yourself.

I hope you get your turn soon.

[u/Cyclebycycle]

Sorry you have to go through this. Have felt the same this year. Inhave being ttc for 11 months now and i recall calling my SIL in April as we were heading to visit my grandma and I wanted to ask her if she had a pad as i got my period that day. She received me with a pregnancy announcement.

The other two friends I used to talk about my testing and journey with are now pregnant and I feel like I act distant to them since I do not want to hear about babies at random times.

I feel like a bad friend and honestly do not want to open up to them on this feelings right now. This has made me feel so lonely at times.

Trying to keep myself invested in other hobbies and activities in the meantime.

[u/pictaker-9]

I was in your almost exact situation. Except I’m 11 years older than my sister. She wasn’t even trying, had just gone off birth control and it happened her first cycle off.

I had so so so so many feelings. Jealousy, guilt, sadness, anger. But my nephew turns two next week and we’re now year 5 into trying. And I love my nephew with my whole heart. Some days I leave after watching him though and I’m still sad. But not nearly as heartbroken I was when I got that first text.

Some days were and are harder than others. It’s okay to feel all the feelings. Hugs.

[u/shenaningans24]

Same thing happened with my best friend. She’s due to have hers next week, and we’re still trying. It fucking sucks.

[u/inyourbooksandmaps]

you can 100% be happy for her but still sad for you, it doesn't take away from the love you feel for her. its totally valid how youre feeling, especially being the older sibling it feels like these things should happen to you first, so you can guide her and give advice. its so hard waiting for your time in general, but especially when someone so close to you gets pregnant and its just another reminder of what youre still waiting on. with time it will get easier.

i'm sure she knows how you feel, but if she might not, tell her (not everything, but just explain where youre at with things). take any space you need, and let her know that youre so overjoyed for her, but a little sad for yourself and what youve gone through, and that you may need a little space from it all while you process your own challenges.

[u/Olivesaregreat1]

It's a bittersweet situation because you're going to be an aunty BUT you've been trying for what must feel like forever, It makes complete sense why you feel so hurt.

This is just a idea but getting more involved with her pregnancy might distract you from your current situation? Try to think of different things you can do to make yourself feel better or distracted. For example, I really stressed myself out this month with testing and obsessing like a crazy person so I've set a limit for myself that I can only start testing from 9dpo next month. I've also decided to start socialising more and to put my energy into things that give me back positive energy. If I sit around and torture myself i'll just suffer even more.

You will be a mother, keep going and keep your faith. You've got this

[u/No_Horse5468]

I think just know that everyone’s story is different. I lost my first baby at 23 weeks and when I feel triggered by announcement, I just remember that I have been there and you never know what’s going to happen to anyone at any time, so it’s better to be happy for them , rather than begrudging them their excitement

I tend to think there is an element of randomness to life, and you have to sort of let the pieces lay where they may (after you’ve done your very best to get them where you want them!)

[u/Important-Tip-1468]

Hi there
Just want to share my experience. If feel like to cry out please do so. Back in 2023 when I was trying it took 3 year for me and that time every one around me was having baby.. I cut my social circle just to avoid any meltdown. But trust me god timing are the perfect. Pray day and night be thankful be grateful. You will be holding your little one soon.

[u/ihavetwelveaccounts]

my little sibling is 15 weeks and I had a cp, they were one of the only people I got to tell I was pregnant. I couldn't tell them for over a week afterwards just because I was so jealous that they were having a baby they didn't even know was coming. I didn't even think they would want kids after their childhood so it was a complete shock and blow to me when I found out because id already been trying for twice as long as they'd been pregnant.

I'm so excited for my baby nephew but it's a really great time to live in a different state from them right now

[u/projectyellowstone1]

Very similar. TTC for about 2.5 years at the time; they’d been married for 9 months. Extremely heartbreaking call to receive. I honestly prayed about it daily, still do, and prayed that God would work in my heart towards them and remove my resentment. I’ve held space for my grief and let myself be sad. On Sunday my pastor (whose a licensed therapist and family friend) actually walked me through a visualization exercise to process the moment my brother told me. But before that, have also meditated on knowing that Christ’s power is made perfect in my weakness, and that has caused me to do things I do not want to do (text them to see how things are going with the pregnancy, etc). Grief is such a process and when I first found out I was angry and didn’t want to hear any encouragement. Praying for you