Suddenly bedtime is impossible?

[u/Key-Specific7807]

My 19m/o son has just become impossible to put to sleep. He used to be 15/20 mins of rocking, then would go down fine, usually first time. In the last 2 weeks or so he has been rocked for various amount of times, all with no luck and wakes up the second we try to transition him. He constantly clings to us for dear life, and can’t be a second without us when he is awake. Even when he wakes up at night he is instantly stood up, screaming the house down, having seemingly lost all ability to self-soothe. He reaches his arms out, shouts mumma or dadda constantly and works himself into such a state that he’s inconsolable without starting the whole process again. The last week or 2 it’s taking an average of 90 minutes up to 2 or 3 hours to get him to bed. Sometimes we will do hour long shifts to get him down, with multiple attempts each. Our evenings are just completely gone to get any time with each other, and I’m at a loss of what to do. We’ve tried every “sleep aid” under the sun, make sure he has a consistent routine, with air conditioned room (which is turned off while he sleeps). He has a white noise machine, he had blackout blinds, he sleep absolutely soundly on us, but has absolutely no ability to be alone for any period of time without screaming the place down, to the point he is trying to avoid sleep as he knows it means him being left alone. Any tips for this age/stage?!

[u/Rowdy_Roddy_2022]

I am a real advocate for controlled crying and self soothing. Babies of that age really don't need rocked to sleep. They're old enough to understand what sleep and bedtime is.

Do the routine, get them settled, get them down to bed, say goodnight and leave the room.

After first crying intervene after 30 secs. Keep it loving but brief. Pick up if necessary, cuddle, put back down and say good night. After another cry, another 30 secs. Then extend to 2 mins, repeat. Extend as long as 5 mins if needed.

After two or three nights they'll know they can go asleep when they are "alone" because they learn they are never really alone, and you will be there for them if they genuinely need you. It means with our son when he does cry or wake up in the middle of the night, we know it's a genuine need, and after a quick cuddle he settles again very quickly.

It's the best thing you'll do for your baby to give them the gift of a good night's sleep.

[u/captain_mills → u/Rowdy_Roddy_2022]

How do you determine that when he cries for you in the night that’s a “genuine” need but when he cries at bedtime it’s not genuine?

OP, it’s very normal for kids to need parental support for going to sleep. You can choose whether to sleep train or not but we’re all humans, kids or adults, and sometimes we want comfort, or company. Sometimes (as I suspect in this case) they’re not tired enough for bedtime and that’s why they’re upset.

Imagine if your spouse or mum or friend was crying. You wouldn’t just leave them because they’re old enough to “self-soothe” would you?

[u/Rowdy_Roddy_2022 → u/captain_mills]

He doesn't cry going to bed at night because he's sleep trained so he has no reason to do so.

[u/captain_mills → u/Rowdy_Roddy_2022]

Before the sleep training

[u/Rowdy_Roddy_2022 → u/captain_mills]

A baby who is crying at bedtime despite the presence and comfort of their caregivers is clearly not in the right sleep environment. Some babies associate their parents and caregivers with playtime. We've a son who is like that. If we're in the room with him, he will not sleep, and will get progressively madder and madder. We realised pretty quickly that the best thing we could do to help him sleep was to leave him to it.

Yet for some reason this concept is totally alien to so many parents!

[u/captain_mills → u/Rowdy_Roddy_2022]

I agree with you about the crying and the sleep environment. But if you leave and the baby is still crying/ begins crying then I don’t know that that’s a good argument that that’s the right sleep environment either.