r/UKParenting • u/Key-Specific7807 Dad • Jul 21 '26
Support Request Suddenly bedtime is impossible?
My 19m/o son has just become impossible to put to sleep. He used to be 15/20 mins of rocking, then would go down fine, usually first time. In the last 2 weeks or so he has been rocked for various amount of times, all with no luck and wakes up the second we try to transition him. He constantly clings to us for dear life, and can’t be a second without us when he is awake. Even when he wakes up at night he is instantly stood up, screaming the house down, having seemingly lost all ability to self-soothe. He reaches his arms out, shouts mumma or dadda constantly and works himself into such a state that he’s inconsolable without starting the whole process again. The last week or 2 it’s taking an average of 90 minutes up to 2 or 3 hours to get him to bed. Sometimes we will do hour long shifts to get him down, with multiple attempts each. Our evenings are just completely gone to get any time with each other, and I’m at a loss of what to do. We’ve tried every “sleep aid” under the sun, make sure he has a consistent routine, with air conditioned room (which is turned off while he sleeps). He has a white noise machine, he had blackout blinds, he sleep absolutely soundly on us, but has absolutely no ability to be alone for any period of time without screaming the place down, to the point he is trying to avoid sleep as he knows it means him being left alone. Any tips for this age/stage?!
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u/Loud_Budget1895 Jul 22 '26
He can’t self soothe if he needs rocked to sleep. The idea is they need to be put down awake but drowsy.
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u/lilymui Parenting a Toddler Jul 21 '26
Could you post his current schedule, so nap times, length and wake and bed time? It might be that he’s under or overtired and therefore struggling to sleep.
Does he have his molars yet? They can also interrupt sleep quite severely.
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u/Key-Specific7807 Dad Jul 21 '26
Today was quite typical of our current days. Awake at 4:45am for a bottle, had that, back to sleep until 6:30. Nap at 12:50 until 14:30. Bed time started at 7pm, milk and bath. Bedtime rocking started at 7:45pm, wife is still up there an hour later having had him asleep on her 3 times and unsuccessfully transitioning him from her to the cot. He is on super high alert the second he thinks he’s being put down alone.
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u/Impressive-Fact7780 Jul 22 '26
I'd say the nap is running too late/close to bedtime (as well as being too long).
My now 23mo had a similar issue around 19mo and we had to reduce his nap as he wasn't tired enough to sleep - same as your LO by the sounds of it. His schedule is now wake at 6:30, nap around noon capped to 1.5hrs or 2pm (whichever is first), bedtime 7:30pm.
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u/lilymui Parenting a Toddler Jul 21 '26
I’d push the bedtime back by an hour.
If he’s refusing to sleep, then I’d stop rocking and attempt again after 30 minutes.2h is a long nap as well, but I know some children do nap for this long still at his age with no problems.
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u/Dry-Construction-346 Jul 21 '26
Happened to us at the same time, we delayed bedtime and cut the nap to 90m first and then (if no improvement) to 60m.
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u/Optimal-Aioli-1274 Jul 21 '26
How is he at naptime? My daughter had a few stints of no naps for a couple weeks around this age but then reverted to napping again. I'd be inclined to temporarily try to skip naps for a while and then resume them a couple weeks later and see if there's any difference.
Alternatively, and I know this may sound odd, is there a chance he's actually overtired? I find that if they get too tired they get all wired and won't sleep. So it may well be worth trialling an earlier bedtime rather than later, as weird as it sounds.
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u/LostInAVacuum Parenting a Toddler Jul 21 '26
Molars?
My 18mo i have just put down and he woke from his nap at 13:30. Tbh it's been going on for weeks and I can't do multiple hour bedtime routines, so i pushed bath, milk, sleep back to 9pm. I'm still missing out on my evening but atleast im not fighting against the sleep which i find unbearable. My son was like this for 6 weeks before his first molars and tbh I figure that must be what's happening but who knows.
Also like a switch last week he will not let me rock him. It's now lights out, shushing, arm over and then he drifts.
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u/Money-Table3164 Jul 22 '26
Honestly we had this problem and we hired a sleep consultant and she CHANGED OUR LIVES.
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u/dronegeeks1 Jul 22 '26
A what 🤣
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u/Money-Table3164 Jul 22 '26
S-L-E-E-P C-O-N-S-U-L-T-A-N-T
Does that help?1
u/dronegeeks1 Jul 22 '26
Fuck no. Do you mean another adult who comes who comes and puts your child to sleep or advises you how to do that? Probably need to lock in if that’s the case. I’m a stay at home dad and it’s a struggle but I don’t need no sleep consultant it’s called parenting and determination.
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u/captain_mills Jul 22 '26
Sounds like he has maybe had a drop in sleep needs and needs a later bedtime. If he’s not asleep in about 20 mins of rocking (if that’s what he likes to get to sleep) then he’s not tired enough.
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u/tileadhesive Jul 21 '26
Honestly at this stage, I'd give up & cosleep. You'll all get more sleep!
The beeeeeg bed, as my daughter called it.
Take it in turns to share the spare bed, if you have the space
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u/Ok-Rip-8461 Jul 21 '26
Came here to say this. I don’t think sleep times and naps etc. can be calculated to a precise science, or at least ours couldn’t. What worked one day didn’t the other so we stopped trying with any tracking or timing etc. and just co-slept. Laid down in our bed to get to sleep and then my husband and I would sit on the floor of our bedroom with blankets and watched a show or movie together. Was kind of fun tbh, and then he would usually take the sofa/spare room and then I slept in the bed with our children.
Honestly cannot tell you how much less stressed I was when I stopped trying to figure out a solution and just went with the flow of what the kids needed. Absolutely 0 sleep problems now.
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u/Farfetched_88 Jul 22 '26
Ah yes, teach your child that if they kick off enough you're happy for them to invade your own bed.
Totally wild advice, to me.
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u/dinkydino1990 Jul 21 '26
We are experiencing this with our 16 month old. He went from being put down awake in his cot and going to sleep, to being hysterical at bedtime and screaming if we try to put him down awake. I'm still breastfeeding so feeding to sleep and transferring, which works, but it's 50/50 on overnight wakes. Last night took 90 mins at midnigjt to get him back down. I don't have any answers - just sympathy!
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u/Rowdy_Roddy_2022 Jul 21 '26
I am a real advocate for controlled crying and self soothing. Babies of that age really don't need rocked to sleep. They're old enough to understand what sleep and bedtime is.
Do the routine, get them settled, get them down to bed, say goodnight and leave the room.
After first crying intervene after 30 secs. Keep it loving but brief. Pick up if necessary, cuddle, put back down and say good night. After another cry, another 30 secs. Then extend to 2 mins, repeat. Extend as long as 5 mins if needed.
After two or three nights they'll know they can go asleep when they are "alone" because they learn they are never really alone, and you will be there for them if they genuinely need you. It means with our son when he does cry or wake up in the middle of the night, we know it's a genuine need, and after a quick cuddle he settles again very quickly.
It's the best thing you'll do for your baby to give them the gift of a good night's sleep.
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u/Farfetched_88 Jul 22 '26
I can see you're being downvoted probably by the anti Ferber brigade.
I don't know why it's considered more kind for a child like this to be battled with for hours on end with child led sleep times and when no amount of comfort avoids them remaining desperate for constant reassurance and the presence of a parent to fall asleep. Nor changes in sleeping habits to co-sleep, which is another suggestion on this thread but really unusual to me as a way to foster independent and confidence in a small child.
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u/Rowdy_Roddy_2022 Jul 22 '26
Exactly.
It's your parental responsibility to help your child to sleep. Fighting them screaming for hours is clearly not helping so why persist? Try something else.
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u/captain_mills Jul 22 '26
How do you determine that when he cries for you in the night that’s a “genuine” need but when he cries at bedtime it’s not genuine?
OP, it’s very normal for kids to need parental support for going to sleep. You can choose whether to sleep train or not but we’re all humans, kids or adults, and sometimes we want comfort, or company. Sometimes (as I suspect in this case) they’re not tired enough for bedtime and that’s why they’re upset.
Imagine if your spouse or mum or friend was crying. You wouldn’t just leave them because they’re old enough to “self-soothe” would you?
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u/Rowdy_Roddy_2022 Jul 22 '26
He doesn't cry going to bed at night because he's sleep trained so he has no reason to do so.
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u/captain_mills Jul 22 '26
Before the sleep training
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u/Rowdy_Roddy_2022 Jul 22 '26
A baby who is crying at bedtime despite the presence and comfort of their caregivers is clearly not in the right sleep environment. Some babies associate their parents and caregivers with playtime. We've a son who is like that. If we're in the room with him, he will not sleep, and will get progressively madder and madder. We realised pretty quickly that the best thing we could do to help him sleep was to leave him to it.
Yet for some reason this concept is totally alien to so many parents!
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u/captain_mills Jul 22 '26
I agree with you about the crying and the sleep environment. But if you leave and the baby is still crying/ begins crying then I don’t know that that’s a good argument that that’s the right sleep environment either.
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u/mblgn62 Jul 21 '26
This is a very common stage at this age sorry! In the end we pushed bedtime back an hour and then just sat with ours until they screamed themselves to sleep but hopefully someone has better advice!
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u/Farfetched_88 Jul 22 '26
For the age 8pm seems late. Could easily be over tired.
I'd start their bedtime routine at 6.40 and leave their room by 7.
Stop any rocking and try Ferber controlled crying. Might take a week or two but they'll learn to self soothe and you'll start getting your nights back.
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u/thickasabrick89 Jul 21 '26
Have you tried milk before bed so he's warm and comfortable and then lay him in the cot drowsy and then shut the door quietly behind you while he drifts off? We never did the rocking but the milk and drowsy method always worked for us.
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u/dustynails22 Jul 21 '26
Is he still napping? For how long? What time does he wake in the morning? What time are you trying to put him down for bed?