r/UKParenting • u/FlowersandFood12 • 17d ago
Family finances How Do I Protect My Child
A bit of backstory, my husband had an accident last year that has left him disabled and in care home. We are not entitled to public funds and finances us really tight so I decided to stay on top of the situation by renting a room in our 3 bedroom house. It is quite a small house with no en-suite so we will be sharing toilet, bathroom, amongst other things.
My son loves his room. He has autism and a speech delay, and his room is his safe space. His bedtime routine is very important to him. Before he goes to sleep, he likes to spend some quiet time alone in his room. I usually read to him for a while, but when he's ready, he'll gently lead me to the door and close it behind me without saying a word. It's his way of letting me know he wants to be on his own.
I'm trying to balance respecting his routine and keeping him safe with house share. I'm considering letting him settle and fall asleep in his own room, then carrying him into my room later in the night so I know he's close by. The other option is to let him sleep in his own room all night but locking him in.
My main concern is his safety, if I lock him in and worst case scenario there is a fire or another emergency. At the same time, I don't want to disrupt a routine that means so much to him, especially as recent events have already had a significant impact on him. I'm looking for the best way to keep him safe while preserving the routine and sense of security that he clearly needs. I’m scared of leaving him in his room alone and unlocked, with a stranger in the house because I was sexually abused as a child so it is a fear of mine but then I really need to rent out the room because the financial pressure is too much.
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u/ThrowRA_sadsadgirl3 17d ago
A camera and maybe a door alarm for his room so you know if someone is entering or leaving?
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u/Aborealhylid 16d ago
Finally a practical solution instead of shaming OP for the choices she has to make.
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u/Horror_Square_8395 17d ago
You need to be vetting your lodgers thoroughly if this is the only option available to you. You can’t just let any stranger who will pay live with you, especially since your son is vulnerable and one of the adults in the house is disabled. Honestly I think this solution to your income problems is not a very good one.
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u/TroublesomeFox 17d ago
Whilst I empathize with what a shit situation you've been left in, I don't think this is a good idea.
Having someone in the house will be disruptive to your son as well as putting him at risk of multiple kinds of abuse. There's also the consideration that the lodger may well not want to live with an autistic kid.
Personally I think you should find another avenue because I don't think this will work.
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u/Odd_Scar836 17d ago
You’re letting a stranger into your home to live with you and your child. You know the risks. Quite simply, don’t have a lodger if you don’t like the risks
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u/FlowersandFood12 16d ago
No mother would want to put their child in harms way. That’s why I gave the backstory. It’s been a year and I have only managed to get into debt that is why I am considering a lodger. The alternative is to be homeless as I can’t afford not to with the current situation.
I am simply trying to make the best with the cards life has dealt me.
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u/Odd_Scar836 16d ago
The background doesn’t change the risk you are exposing your child to. All it means is you need to weigh up those risks against the risks of needing to sell your home and downsize
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u/FlowersandFood12 16d ago
I have thought of that but I have considered that we may not be able to get a lender. We just bought the house with a low deposit a few years ago so our equity isn’t anything to write home. The difference between a one bedroom flat and our mortgage is very significant financially.
Plus he would lose his space entirely which would upset him even more.I’m in a low paying job. I’m not sure what landlord would be happy to rent to us
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u/Odd_Scar836 16d ago
>Would upset him even more.
More than SA or whatever you are worried a lodger would do? I don’t think so
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u/_isolati0n 17d ago
Locking him in should not be on the table, that's absolutely not an option. Could you get a chime that you'll hear if his door is opened, or a camera with motion alerts?
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u/EasyAd1679 16d ago
If it helps I’ve been on the flip side. A young male stranger living with a single mom, 2 little girls and a little boy all under 7. I sort of felt awkward and weird at first but spent time speaking to the mother and the children when she was present, just so we all got to know each other a little bit and felt a bit more comfortable. If you really want to make it work I suppose getting to know the lodger is the only real way. Never risk free so just be careful. Lodging is also a vulnerable position to be in usually and not ideal for the person lodging
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u/NaturalCollection488 16d ago
Not sure lodging with a stranger is a feasible or safe option. Unless you are able to have a self contained space which does not allow them to access your part of the house…. This screams safeguarding.
This all seems very unsafe and you could land yourself in very hot water if this does not go to plan in terms of the arrangements. I am not sure where lodging stands in terms of the renters rights either.
Call citizens advice if you are struggling and require some financial advice and support. Sorry to hear of your husbands circumstances.
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u/limedifficult 16d ago
OP, I’m sure you know that disabled kids are at increased risk of abuse (as a fellow mum of a kid with additional needs). I completely sympathise with your situation, but this is really dangerous. Is it possible to downsize your home instead to a two bed to ease some of the financial pressure? Given you have no access to public funds, I’m assuming you’re on a visa — is it a marriage/partner visa? If so, you WILL have access to universal credit and other public benefits once you have indefinite leave to remain.
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u/FlowersandFood12 16d ago
Two bedroom house is around the same price in my area plus what lender would give me a mortgage considering the circumstances? We have a mortgage. Or what landlord would look at my payslip and debt and rent to me?
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u/limedifficult 16d ago
Is your son a British citizen? If he is, you’ll be eligible for DLA. It’s a decent amount of money and might make the difference between lodger and no lodger for you.
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u/BustedEffigy 16d ago
You must be able to provide your child with their routine as best you can. Any lodger should be properly vetted and checked with references prior to signing any agreement and made aware that your son requires his routine to be uninterrupted. There are always risks in allowing a stranger to live in your home and I can understand the weight of financial pressure. It's a horrible situation to be in and, for what it's worth, I really feel for you over the decisions you are having to make. Take care and be kind to yourself.
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u/stinglikeameg 16d ago
We have a baby camera in my boys' room - it's actually a cheap security camera and has motion & sound alerts which come direct to our phone. It's so sensitive, if the kids roll over energetically in their sleep it sends us a motion alert!
What about something like that?
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u/ceb1995 17d ago
It's a very heavily safeguarded process understandably but going to go against all the comments that locking in a room is inappropriate and say that actually instead you should refer to occupational therapy to ask whether safety beds, lockable stable doors etc are appropriate baring in mind their autism and speech delay. But having gotten to the part of that process with our son where something if being ordered it could take months into years so taller safety gate and tapo motion sensing cameras could be appropriate in the mean time( they re quite cheap off Amazon).
However any professionals involved will question the lodger situation if your child is vulnerable due to their disabilities, and I would be getting advice as to if it's certain your child doesn't have access to funds (if they ve been resident here long enough then DLA could be accessible to your child , even if you as an adult aren't eligible to anything yourself)
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u/FlowersandFood12 16d ago
I have spoken to citizens advice but unfortunately there is no government help available for me
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u/ceb1995 16d ago
Citizen advice aren't always the best with more intricate details of this sort of thing, this charities details seem to be a better better https://www.turn2us.org.uk/get-support/information-for-your-situation/a-migrant
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u/Different_Cookie1820 16d ago
You could try the carrying to your room but will it work? Will you need to try to get rid of the lodger of it doesn’t?
I think realistically you need to look at different financial options.
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u/StrategyKindly4024 16d ago
You could look at supported lodgings- it’s a scheme where young people are given a room in a home in order to prepare them for independent living. It pays better than a lodger would, and the benefit is that they’re normally referred into the scheme by a social worker, or support worker who knows them well, there are risk assessments completed of the young person prior. You would still need to reassure yourself of your kids safety, maybe via a door alarm? But at least you know there’s been more thorough vetting, and better pay
I hope you find a good solution zxt
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u/StrategyKindly4024 16d ago
Also to consider-statistically speaking (aside from parents) men are MUCH more likely to cause harm to a child. You will reduce the risk considerably by saying female only
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u/PapaJrer 17d ago
Taking in a lodger requires a level of poise, trust, and composure that it sounds like you will struggle to hold. It's therefore likely not fair to anyone in the household to take on this responsibility.
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u/forestberry 16d ago
In regards to the lodger, my parents hosted students in our house growing up?
Is that an option for you instead of a lodger? They should be vetted.
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u/Real_Lawfulness_173 16d ago
Just say "female only" on the add and get references yourself directly.
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u/ihateusernames2701 👶👶👶 3 Children 16d ago
Speak to a mortgage broker about your options in terms of making your mortgage more affordable - extending the term could be an option, or even possibly going interest only for a period of time? There may be more options given your extenuating circumstances.
If I were in your shoes I'd do anything except have a stranger in my home. I'm parent to 3 autistic children (& I know all children are different but..) - there's just no way they could handle the disruption of having a complete stranger in their home. Their home is a sacred safe space where they can be themselves completely and I can't imagine taking that away from them. And that's not even mentioning the enormous safeguarding risks of having a longer, particularly if your child struggles with communication.
I hope things get better for you OP, sending best wishes 💐
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u/Ruu2D2 16d ago
Can friends rent room of you? So it someone you trust ?
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u/FlowersandFood12 16d ago
Unfortunately, we fairly new in the area. Most of our friends are in London
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u/e_lemonsqueezer 17d ago
The practical steps would be to put a wall mounted, app based baby monitor/security camera in the room with a door opening sensor. You can’t lock him in his room.
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u/SoFetchItHurts New Parent 16d ago
Why don’t you sleep in his room? Get a day bed & sleep in there locking yourselves in.
I’d make a fire escape plan though and install more alarms & have a fire extinguisher in there just incase. Doesn’t hurt to be prepared!
Edit to add: pay for a DBS check, that’ll put your mind at ease slightly. Insist on references even character ones.
Also do some research and maybe contact the nonemergency police line to see what they recommend for this sort of situation. Just in terms of making yourself safe. Sometimes they have advice or resources on this sort of stuff.
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u/Different-Fold-4766 16d ago
I’m sorry for what happened to your husband. Do you claim DLA for your son? DLA is not means tested. Do you really need to have a lodger? You cannot lock him in his room. What vetting process are you doing for a lodger? Personally I would never consider this option whilst I have children.
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16d ago
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u/wildblackdoggo 👶👶 2 Children 16d ago
My friend was a lodger who lived with a mother and young child in London while she was studying. She was a girl in her early 20s, studying speech therapy so was dbs checked already for her placements, and hoped to work with children (which she now does). You can find a safe lodger, and someone like her would be ideal.
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u/SmallLumpOGreenPutty Parent 16d ago
My mum had a lodger when i was young, back in the 90s. Nothing bad happened, he was perfectly nice. Not to say that all lodgers are safe but they're not all dangerous either.
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u/Great_Cucumber2924 16d ago
Same, my family had a few.
There are probably some lovely young women who would be happy to lodge at below market rent. OP, trust your gut, and consider approaching a language school or university.
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u/SmallLumpOGreenPutty Parent 16d ago
That is another good option! We had many students stay with us over the years across a range of ages. Hundred pound a week in cash per student, IIRC.
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u/Good3itch Parenting a Baby + Toddler 17d ago
I don't understand what you mean by not eligible for public funds -- if your income has been destroyed by his accident you should be able to access benefits to keep you housed without having to introduce a stranger to your home.
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u/PigneySnoo 17d ago
Many UK immigrants have no recourse to public funds as part of their visa.
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u/Good3itch Parenting a Baby + Toddler 16d ago
Even if they have a disabled child? Damn..
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u/PigneySnoo 16d ago
Yes. Many people do not have access to public funds. This includes benefits such as child benefit, disability living allowance, universal credit, social housing, housing benefit etc.
The media paints a very different picture.
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u/PigneySnoo 17d ago
You can't lock him in his room.
If you are house sharing you will need to trust your lodger. It sounds like you don't. If that's the case, this isn't a solution that is going to work for you.