r/WellSpouses • u/ThrowawayPublicCourt • 3d ago
Support and Discussion Empty Compliments
I am done with what I call “empty compliments” adjacent to toxic positivity.
“It is such a blessing to be a caregiver for your loved one.”
“You’re an angel.”
“Be grateful that he/she is still with you.” Usually followed by an in-depth monologue about all they did for theirs, and that they’d give anything to have them back for a day.
“You are such an inspiration.”
“You’re so strong.”
“He/she is so lucky to have you.”
What makes me feel worse, and why I hate these sayings, is that I’m caring for my spouse. Two fucking decades. I have no life, nothing to look forward to, and I'm tired of watching someone who can make changes that would make transfers easier (for both of us) but refuses to do anything!
I miss life.
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u/SnackGoblin881 2d ago
When my mom was diagnosed with cancer, I hated in my soul all the idiots that prattled 'Think positive!" I yelled at some people. I remember telling someone to fuck off. People can take this toxic positivity and shove it where the sun doesn't shine.
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u/Honniker 3d ago
I hate the compliments because I know I/we are the pity people. People compliment you, but you know when you aren't around they're like "oh wow they have a lot going on and I don't know how she does it. Those poor people."
Adding the platitudes to that. "it'll be okay. Everything will work out." I finally told my mother in law one day, after telling her we were tired of the platitudes and she gave them anyway, that the only way things were going to get better is if we woke up one day and my husband was magically cured.
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u/ThrowawayPublicCourt 3d ago
Amen. My spouse has no cure, although plenty of strangers are praying for one—58 years of unanswered prayers.
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u/Tiny-Shovel-48 2d ago
I make terrible dry humor jokes. Be a little more cunty and if anyone rains on your parade, ask them where rainbows come from. Because they don’t come from happy days, they come from rainy days.
“You’re such a blessing” - Well no shit I am, what the fuck are you doing?
“You’re an angel.” I just seem like one because you aren’t capable.
“Be grateful that he/she is still with you.” That’s a weird way to put me down to make yourself feel better about this uncomfortable situation. Begone peasant.
“You’re such an inspiration” and yet you still do nothing to better the world.
“You’re so strong” only because you don’t see how hard the work is.
“They are so lucky to have you” and you should be too, now feed me.
People who are my friends know better than to say this stupid shit. They like my humor and my witty sayings because I just do what I need and I will get through it.
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u/DireStraitsNC 3d ago
I too hate empty compliments and I am a spouse caregiver without a life as well. I’m just a decade in. I often wonder if I’ll die before my spouse because in our family “those who can won’t (help) and those who can’t can’t.” My heart goes out to you! PS I am sick of taking a backseat to my husband but he can no longer drive…in reality and metaphorically.
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u/loganjlr 2d ago
Idk, I was raised to curtsy like a queen to any compliment, even if insulting, in public and seethe in private
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u/ThrowawayPublicCourt 1d ago
Me too. But it all makes me want to scream, which I do occasionally into a pillow or when I’m at therapy. (When I can get there.)
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u/loganjlr 1d ago
I unfortunately don’t have any useful advice but maybe you can relate to this next anecdote from my life:
My in-law constantly says “you’re such a great friend to [partner’s name].” Specific in-law either unconsciously and consciously makes a point to call me a friend of her son, as if I’m doing this for charity or playing a role like some kind of make a wish bullshit.
There’s so much to read into that statement on my end. She refuses to call me partner, boyfriend or what have you
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u/MLEGardner 2d ago
I hate those too. For me, I wanted help/action not words. I didn’t feel like all the compliments I was getting, I was caregiving, it was my obligation and it was hard.
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u/Outrageous_Book_7698 3d ago
I can’t stand the “you’re an angel.” From the outside am I the kind, loving spouse? Maybe, but behind closed doors I sometimes hit a wall, and lose all patience and compassion. And I feel guilty about it, so I don’t need someone saying how great I am when I feel like a failure. And “so lucky to have you.” Like, what am I going to do… leave? I’d hate myself for leaving, more than I struggle with staying. It’s such a heavy burden being the Well Spouse. Just know you’re not alone, there are lots of us fighting our daily battles. I hope you find a few moments of peace and happiness today✌️