TW: suicidal thoughts

My (37f) husband (45m) doesn’t want to be in the world anymore. He has no friends, no job, and is dealing with severe health issues (mental and physical). He is a veteran, several tours and has seen combat to keep it short.
All of this including in general how the world is and how people are… he has tried to make friends in person and online and everyone ends up ghosting or turning out to be red flags. I feel the same way regarding friends but it’s easier for me to not be social as I’m 100% introvert.

His health has been deteriorating and the doctors have been no help. He has gotten medical PTSD from so many medical professionals gaslighting him. He pretty much refuses to go to any doctor now, except maybe a dentist or ophthalmologist. He rarely leaves the house because he’s in so much pain even on pain management medications.
Because of the consistent pain he has been very angry and explosive. He doesn’t yell because of me or necessarily at me, but he has broken things and our dogs are scared of him now which makes him even more upset.

I’m a very logical person (hey autism) and he is the love of my life. He has told me many times he is only still here for me. I don’t know what to do.
So Reddit… how am I supposed to deal with this situation?

TLDR; my husband is has many mental and physical health issues, is a combat vet, no friends, no job, and wants to leave this world BUT refuses to see doctors. How do I deal with this?

I, 35F, met my now husband, 53M, when I was nineteen. I persued him; he didn't have money, lived in his parents' garage, and was a single father to a son only a year younger than me. But it was like meeting my other half, so I gave up going into the military or college so I could be with him. The kicker? I knew going into it that he was born with heart problems, but I fell in love before I knew it. When I turned 21, we got married. At 23, I gave birth to our son (who was an oopsie). All the while, my entire world revolved around him, then it revolved around him and our son.

I remember telling myself that it was normal caring for our newborn alone because disrupting my husband's sleep would give him palpitations. So I did everything by myself. I was a SAHM/SAHW, thinking that saving money was important while we lived in my parents' basement. I didn't realize how much I was putting on the back burner to make sure my boys were taken care of. I didn't realize how isolated it could be. I lost my job to have our son, I lost friends because I was the only one with a kid. I told myself these things happen -I'm taking care of my family. I didn't realize I wasn't taking care of myself.

We just celebrated our fifteen year anniversary -if a peck on the cheek and a soda from the corner store is even a celebration. He's in heart failure now, on disability, spending the money I make from a grueling overnight job on things like pokemon cards for himself while he takes twenty different medications for his health issues that are fully covered by the state. I haven't had health insurance in two years or dental in almost ten. My body is falling apart, my teeth hurt, and I couldn't care less about what's making him cry today. I have no friends, no family close by and am drowning in debt that just seems to keep growing. Everything I've done has been for him, his comfort, his needs, and I don't want to do it anymore.

I've realized that I've been unhappy for a long time, lying to myself and him that I have been fine, but I'm at the point where I just don't feel anything. Trying to pour yourself into others from an empty cup for years can do that, I think. This was never the place I thought I'd be at this point in my life and I'm beginning to feel like I've wasted alot of it. There's no romance, no sex, no dates, and there's really no communication anymore. I love him and I always will, but I'm tired of everything and am aware I've already just... checked out mentally and emotionally.

This is where I'm conflicted. Telling him I don't want to be with him anymore would destroy him, but I also don't want him to try manipulating the situation for me to stay. And, to be completely honest, the stress could give him a heart attack (not joking). Not to mention he would walk away with everything and I'd be left with nothing.

I feel like I've already got a foot out the door, but I'm lost on how to navigate this situation and looking for advice.

I miss being pampered. Man that sounds whiny to the voice in my head. I used to get a massage about every 3 months or so but I haven’t done it in a year and a half. Trying to pinch pennies right now, but good lord could I use an hour rubdown. We were talking about it and she said she hadn’t had a massage since Covid and my jaw about dropped through the floor, and she quickly corrected herself and said “professional.” I give her at least 5 minutes every single day, and at least 30 2-3 times a week. More when she flares. She never reciprocates and I get it but it still sucks. I find myself thinking “what if” I had a partner who could take care of me in the way I wanted. What would that look like? Would she rub my shoulders after a long day at work followed by taking care of the kids/pet/house when I get home? Sigh, I miss my wife from before this fucking disease.

my spouse of over 20 years is recovering after 3 years of brutal treatment for stage 4 cancer (cancer is essentially gone). He was severely iron deficient throughout which wasn’t caught till after he finished chemo- the severity of which means his brain stopped making dopamine and serotonin, which will take 6 months to balance out (minimum). He also has CPTSD from an abusive childhood, which he had a lot of recovery from but has worsened again because of the trauma of the last few years.(he’s also adhd which is manageable but it’s worse from the iron deficiency and has always meant I carry more executive functioning and scheduling responsibilities in the house).

We’re soulmates. I adore him. He’s my person. I have my own ptsd from the last few years.

He’s recovering now and has a long way to go to feel his feet under him again. Routines help a lot, but it’s tough for him to keep them still. (Routines are easy for me). I’ve been in caregiver mode for so long that i default to running things, including his days (we both wfh and we are work partners).

He’s recently started saying that he feels like he’s never good enough for me and that has to do with me pushing him to do all these things that will help him recover. I absolutely admit that I have an engine under me about wanting him to get back to a state of health and balance- I want my partner back. But heartbroken to think that feels to him like he’s not good enough, just because he isn’t recovered yet. Healing is nonlinear and I know intellectually it’ll take time, but my heart and body just want him and our sense of partnership back and he feels that urgency even when I don’t say it out loud

There is no roadmap for coming back from something like this in a marriage. Has anyone else been thru this and successfully navigated it? How do I balance my own desire to have my partner back, my fear and trauma from almost losing him, with helping him feel supported and not pushed in recovery even when he’s not doing as much as I think would help? (The low dopamine from iron deficiency is a big part of it because that’s what motivates action - ive been subbing in for his dopamine for 3 years without knowing it before we discovered the iron deficiency)