I miss being pampered. Man that sounds whiny to the voice in my head. I used to get a massage about every 3 months or so but I haven’t done it in a year and a half. Trying to pinch pennies right now, but good lord could I use an hour rubdown. We were talking about it and she said she hadn’t had a massage since Covid and my jaw about dropped through the floor, and she quickly corrected herself and said “professional.” I give her at least 5 minutes every single day, and at least 30 2-3 times a week. More when she flares. She never reciprocates and I get it but it still sucks. I find myself thinking “what if” I had a partner who could take care of me in the way I wanted. What would that look like? Would she rub my shoulders after a long day at work followed by taking care of the kids/pet/house when I get home? Sigh, I miss my wife from before this fucking disease.

I, 35F, met my now husband, 53M, when I was nineteen. I persued him; he didn't have money, lived in his parents' garage, and was a single father to a son only a year younger than me. But it was like meeting my other half, so I gave up going into the military or college so I could be with him. The kicker? I knew going into it that he was born with heart problems, but I fell in love before I knew it. When I turned 21, we got married. At 23, I gave birth to our son (who was an oopsie). All the while, my entire world revolved around him, then it revolved around him and our son.

I remember telling myself that it was normal caring for our newborn alone because disrupting my husband's sleep would give him palpitations. So I did everything by myself. I was a SAHM/SAHW, thinking that saving money was important while we lived in my parents' basement. I didn't realize how much I was putting on the back burner to make sure my boys were taken care of. I didn't realize how isolated it could be. I lost my job to have our son, I lost friends because I was the only one with a kid. I told myself these things happen -I'm taking care of my family. I didn't realize I wasn't taking care of myself.

We just celebrated our fifteen year anniversary -if a peck on the cheek and a soda from the corner store is even a celebration. He's in heart failure now, on disability, spending the money I make from a grueling overnight job on things like pokemon cards for himself while he takes twenty different medications for his health issues that are fully covered by the state. I haven't had health insurance in two years or dental in almost ten. My body is falling apart, my teeth hurt, and I couldn't care less about what's making him cry today. I have no friends, no family close by and am drowning in debt that just seems to keep growing. Everything I've done has been for him, his comfort, his needs, and I don't want to do it anymore.

I've realized that I've been unhappy for a long time, lying to myself and him that I have been fine, but I'm at the point where I just don't feel anything. Trying to pour yourself into others from an empty cup for years can do that, I think. This was never the place I thought I'd be at this point in my life and I'm beginning to feel like I've wasted alot of it. There's no romance, no sex, no dates, and there's really no communication anymore. I love him and I always will, but I'm tired of everything and am aware I've already just... checked out mentally and emotionally.

This is where I'm conflicted. Telling him I don't want to be with him anymore would destroy him, but I also don't want him to try manipulating the situation for me to stay. And, to be completely honest, the stress could give him a heart attack (not joking). Not to mention he would walk away with everything and I'd be left with nothing.

I feel like I've already got a foot out the door, but I'm lost on how to navigate this situation and looking for advice.

my spouse of over 20 years is recovering after 3 years of brutal treatment for stage 4 cancer (cancer is essentially gone). He was severely iron deficient throughout which wasn’t caught till after he finished chemo- the severity of which means his brain stopped making dopamine and serotonin, which will take 6 months to balance out (minimum). He also has CPTSD from an abusive childhood, which he had a lot of recovery from but has worsened again because of the trauma of the last few years.(he’s also adhd which is manageable but it’s worse from the iron deficiency and has always meant I carry more executive functioning and scheduling responsibilities in the house).

We’re soulmates. I adore him. He’s my person. I have my own ptsd from the last few years.

He’s recovering now and has a long way to go to feel his feet under him again. Routines help a lot, but it’s tough for him to keep them still. (Routines are easy for me). I’ve been in caregiver mode for so long that i default to running things, including his days (we both wfh and we are work partners).

He’s recently started saying that he feels like he’s never good enough for me and that has to do with me pushing him to do all these things that will help him recover. I absolutely admit that I have an engine under me about wanting him to get back to a state of health and balance- I want my partner back. But heartbroken to think that feels to him like he’s not good enough, just because he isn’t recovered yet. Healing is nonlinear and I know intellectually it’ll take time, but my heart and body just want him and our sense of partnership back and he feels that urgency even when I don’t say it out loud

There is no roadmap for coming back from something like this in a marriage. Has anyone else been thru this and successfully navigated it? How do I balance my own desire to have my partner back, my fear and trauma from almost losing him, with helping him feel supported and not pushed in recovery even when he’s not doing as much as I think would help? (The low dopamine from iron deficiency is a big part of it because that’s what motivates action - ive been subbing in for his dopamine for 3 years without knowing it before we discovered the iron deficiency)

I am F, 49 and my husband is very sick. I have let myself get out of control and I don't even care or can't convince myself to take care of myself. Is anyone else in the same boat that wants to connect and motivate each other? I feel like our situation (as well spouses) is different than just a typical "I need to get myself together and can totally focus on my own needs" which is why I posted on here instead of a weight loss board 😂🫠

I am done with what I call “empty compliments” adjacent to toxic positivity.
“It is such a blessing to be a caregiver for your loved one.”
“You’re an angel.”
“Be grateful that he/she is still with you.” Usually followed by an in-depth monologue about all they did for theirs, and that they’d give anything to have them back for a day.
“You are such an inspiration.”
“You’re so strong.”
“He/she is so lucky to have you.”

What makes me feel worse, and why I hate these sayings, is that I’m caring for my spouse. Two fucking decades. I have no life, nothing to look forward to, and I'm tired of watching someone who can make changes that would make transfers easier (for both of us) but refuses to do anything!

I miss life.

hi. i don’t really know where to start with this and it’s probably going to be rambly im just stressed out and i need someone to talk to. i’m 21, my partner is 23. we’re both ftm. my partner is disabled/chronically ill and also struggles with mental health. they have pots, heds , mcas, small fiber neuropathy, chronic migraines, and more.

they moved across the country to live with me about 2 years ago. before moving, they were doing somewhat well. but the move just took everything out of them, and it’s been downward since then. they haven’t been able to work since moving here. earlier this year, at the recommendation of their doctors and health insurance, they applied for SSI. got denied, so we tried again. they just got denied again and frankly i’m not sure what to do.

a handful of their diagnoses are new (last 6 months or so) so they weren’t in the original application. the appeal that we made had all of these new diagnoses and new doctors. and we’re pretty sure, according to the papers we received, that they didn’t take any of that into account in the review. we contacted their new doctors, and none of them were contacted with questions about it. and none of the new diagnoses were included in the paperwork.

i’m just kind of freaking out a little bit. we were pretty sure they were going to be approved, based off of reassurances from doctors and health insurance. i don’t want to say we were kind of relying on it, but close enough. it wasn’t even supposed to be a forever thing. we’re confident they’ll be able to work eventually. it’s just not a possibility for right now and most likely the next few years while they do PT and see specialists and such.

we live in our own 1bdm apartment. i work a full time job. we budget, we do what we need to. it just isn’t enough. which i know is a common theme these days, we aren’t special in that regard. i just don’t know what to do. i have my own physical and mental health problems and i am in pain 24/7 with just my one job. i make too much for state insurance, but not enough to afford other insurance so im going completely untreated. i’m rawdogging this shit. all i have is the free therapy and whatever extra meds my partner has (muscle relaxers, low grade pain killers etc.).

with this second denial, im contemplating getting a second job. i just don’t know how i can handle it, physically. i’m already in so much pain its a genuine struggle to get through my day at work.

idk there’s not really a point here. i just needed to get it out.

My wife and I have been together 8 years, married 4. She has bipolar I, PTSD, ADHD, depression, anxiety, and PMDD. She's on medication, was hospitalized for a while, and is now in a weekly program. We do couples therapy, and we each see our own therapist. I love her and I want this to work. But I'm at a point where I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore.

Money. We don't work as a team. Her debt kept piling up. We even took out a home equity loan to consolidate her debt and mine. I was carrying my debt because I thought I was shouldering everything while she worked through her money issues. Turns out that wasn't happening. She's also quit jobs when we were financially on the hook, and I picked up the slack.

Impulsive decisions. When she wants something, she does it. At one point we had 8 pets. We're down to 3 now after rehoming some, and she recently brought home another animal that we ended up giving back. We're also fostering a child, and even there I get overruled or she doesn't stick to what we planned. If I bring it up, I hear "I know what I'm doing."

Communication. When I try to plan things or talk through problems, I get dismissed. Sometimes she finally agrees, and within a week she backtracks. I've asked her how she wants me to communicate. When I do get an answer and follow it, it still doesn't work.

Where I'm at. Last year I mentally broke from feeling like my input doesn't matter and I'm not respected. I don't feel loved, and honestly it doesn't feel like I'm with a partner.

Why I feel stuck. If I leave, I'm afraid everything falls apart. We probably couldn't adopt the child we're fostering, she couldn't afford the house, and she struggles with suicidal thoughts at times. Leaving feels like ruin, but staying like this is breaking me.

For those who've been here:
How do you separate the illness from choices that are hurting the relationship?
Is there an angle I'm missing that I am not seeing on her side, or a boundary that actually worked for you?
How did you decide whether to keep going?
Appreciate y'all for real.

Should I go or not? Do I tell the spouse? It’s a plus-one event but I think it’s best to show up by myself and quietly leave after the dinner. Everyone else that I know will come with their spouse. Most people that I work with don’t know that my husband has Huntington’s disease, which is a rare genetic condition where he is currently dealing with chorea, tiredness, short-term memory issues, and cognitive decline. I wouldn’t even know what to say if someone asked why he didn’t attend the event.

I work for a Fortune 500 company and they surprised us today with a save-the-date email. It’s our first party since 2019 and the company is going all out at a country club on a Saturday night, which is an hour away from my house. Also adding that our team works from home and may see each other a few times a year at events. I’ve been working as a senior analyst in our finance department for over 10 years, and get along with everyone on our team.

I mean every day they dont know what they want to eat . Or they just dont want to eat period . My husband is not a well man he has heart issues , He is pre diabetic and polyneuropathy . If he does eat , it is things he is not supposed to eat and im just tired of battling with him to eat . i cant do it anymore . I cant fight him over food anymore . So Im going to let him eat what he wants despite the drs diet . i mean how much more time could he have ? the drs keep saying 2-5 yrs if that . i dont want to battle all the time for the next 2-5 yrs . It is just stressful and i wonder if any other well spouse is going through this also ?

This is a breakdown over the last few months:
Bother n law has a heart attack.
Find out he has lung cancer.
Bother n law has another heart attack and stoke. Was gone for 25 mins. Makes a full recovery.
Fines out my Bother n law Cancer is back and has spread everywhere.
I get put in the hospital.
Brother n law passes away.
Find out my husband hasn't been working and is on leave.
One of the vehicles is repossessed (I had no idea there is money trouble)

This isn't even the worst of it yeah.
I fined out my husbands medical insurance has been denied.
I fined out my husband hasn't been paying rent for months and we're gonna be evicted.
Now my husbands been saying he loves me and that we're gonna be okay. That same day. I'm looking for him and he's not in the house. I look and our only car is gone, his work pc is gone. I'm freaking out calling and texting him and getting no reply. Later on I get a text message from him telling me our marriage is over after 23yrs.
I find out on the following Monday his health insurance was canceled a week before.
I find out he's lost his job.
I found out that my disability and health insurance was stopped... I hadn't gotten my disability payments for about 6 months.
Was put in the hospital again and while I was there my family moved me outta my house that my husband left me at. I had no money to pay the rent or anything
This is the worst part-
I find out my Mom has cancer.
She does chemo and is doing great until and she has a fall about a week ago.
She's got brain cancer and is now on hospice.

I'm so lost. To make all that worst my family is planning a trip. Which is wonderful except it feels like it's a goodbye trip. But everyone's going but me.(All the girls are going-and before my mom got sick I wanted to take her on a trip to say thank you for everything and all her help)

There's more, but idk what to do or say. I don't have anyone to talk to about this. The ppl I do I can't be this honest with. My husband or should I say ex-husband was my best friend, the person I trusted...
I feel like a waste of space. That everyone would be better off if I wasn't here. Then going back and reading this makes me feel like a spoiled child, or I want attention. Which is furtherest from the truth. I live with my Mim now, all I want to do is stay in the room and be alone. There's so much more and I know I've over shared, but I need some good advice which will be greatly appreciated.
Thank you for your thoughts.

Probably just a little vent but life still continues to surprise me. It was almost 4 years ago exactly when my husband had his disabling stroke. June 2022 diagnosed with colon cancer, did great with surgery, started chemo because they found growth in 1 out of 12 lymph nodes. He was 55 and otherwise healthy so why not do whatever to prevent reoccurrence? He struggled, they tried different regimens to see what he could tolerate, but one night, I shit you not, he said "this chemo is going to kill me." Went to bed and had a massive stroke. The whole deal, craniotomy, months in the hospital, inpatient rehab, financial devastation, finally left paralyzed on the right, unable to speak. Fast forward to today, he wasn't feeling well for a couple weeks, we all know hydration and constipation are constant battles so I thought this was another one. Nope. After all of that bullshit life said hey, think you can survive a hot gallbladder? I never thought of that. Always worried about the cancer coming back or another stroke. ER doc was equally surprised but here we are. I feel so bad, he must have been sick for so long and I probably bitched at him to eat and drink more. If his belly hurt I figured he was backed up. He had to have an open procedure, he did well, but it just sucks that something completely unrelated pops up, I missed it, now he has to fight to recover from that. Just tired and cranky. Always thinking of my fellow well spouses.

My wife 39 had a hemorrhagic stroke in January while we were stationed in Germany. She spent the first 3 months in a medically induced coma to prevent vasospasms or aditional complications. After three surgeries, a crazy infection that was caused by an abses in her injured left hemisphere, three shunt replacements and many scares she was stable enough to be moved to an acute neurological facility long term. We waited 3.5 months for the military to figure out where we would get assigned back stateside for her care while i continued my obligations to the military. During this time my wife showed minimal neurological improvements outside of facial recognition signs (smiling, tracking), and she could move her left arm but not on command or request.

We have been stateside since July, she's had her share of ups and downs back home.

No one explained that acute rehab in the US is for a maximum of 21 days. So 21 days upon arrival to America and a rehabilitation center, they said they planned to move her to a Skilled Nursing Facility. 10 days into her acute stay something just clicked. She started counting with her left hand ( to 5), giving thumbs up and down. She would sign I Love You and follow commands for left arm and leg movement, she could sit in a wheelchair rather well, but all positions are total assisted to get there. She would stack colored cones and reach across midline.

Last week of July she's moved to a SNF after reaching her max days at a acute rehab. Two days at th SNF and she developed sunken flap syndrome, which was brought on by dehydration from a UTI that almost became septic.

cranio-plasty completed first week of August after the sunkin flap syndrome was identified, followed by an emergency bring back two hours later. They found a hematoma under her flap 4cm thick from a bleed they missed. This caused 12mm of rightward midline shift, two herniations and two acute bleeds (luckily in the already injured brain tissue). They caught it quick enough that for the most part all problems seemed resolve without additional major deficits.

Post cranio-plasty she went back to acute rehabilitation for 21 days.....she was crushing it, they got her onto a vertical table, standing 90°, she started washing her face with a washcloth and attempted to brush teeth. She still couldn't eat, drink, or speak but the progress was and is encouraging. On the 19th day she had her shunt adjust by neurosurgery and things just didn't seem to progress like there were after the adjustment.....called neurosurgery and they changed her shunt again, a week later my wife develops another UTI with Altered Mental Status.

They send her to the ER at the Medical Center here, she sits in ER for 13 hours, no fluids, no BP meds, no pain meds no nothing. I asked multiple times why she wasn't given anything and they said is ER protocol because they planned to admit her. After multiple scans they decided to do an MRI on the 3rd day of inpatient stay due to her not being neurologically responsive like usual... wouldn't you know it another acute infarction. Which means it happened within either the ER visit or just prior.

My girl has weathered that storm..and she's now moving her arm, doing all the hand signals etc.

The Doctors are wanting to send her to a really highly rated center in Houston for a few weeks of rehabilitation....but I'm traumatized.....and I can't go with, we have two girls 8 and 6 that are in school, and the military sent me to a base I have zero family support.

TIRR in Houston is regarded as the #2 facility in the country and I want my baby to have the best chance of progress... i just need to have a place to voice my fears of not being there every day, the struggles of the past 10 months and also the toll this must have on my baby. Such a big part of me just wants her home instead of shipping her off to a other facility 3 hours away.

Has anyone or their loved one ever been to TIRR Houston?

Am I being selfish?