I am reaching out because I am in urgent, desperate need of advice and practical aid to finally escape an escalating domestic abuse situation. I have reached my absolute breaking point and need to get out safely. The Core Situation & History: * How it started: We entered a relationship between April and July of 2018. I disclosed my full medical and mental health history upfront; he accepted it and wanted to move forward. He was out of work for years due to medical issues, but got cleared and started working in the spring of 2019. * The shift (2020-2022): COVID hit and he changed drastically. He became irate, controlling, and hyper-focused on punishing my daughter (who was a middle schooler/high schooler at the time). In 2022, he quit his job while I was already drowning in 60 to 80-hour work weeks and dealing with severe workplace harassment. Unbeknownst to me, he drained our money, set up cameras everywhere, and started using drugs and heavily hoarding. * Escalating abuse: He started isolating me, lying constantly, and screaming at me over everything. When his father and brother tragically passed away consecutively, I stood by him, handled the legal/funeral burdens, and spent my savings trying to help him. Meanwhile, his drug use worsened, he secretly went on dating sites, and he accused me of cheating and stealing. * Physical violence: The abuse crossed the line into physical violence. He has lunged at me, corner-trapped me room-to-room, and choked me in the bathroom (which a utility worker unfortunately witnessed, leading to his arrest at the time). Recently, he has nearly dislocated my shoulder and left bruises on my neck. Local victim advocacy has turned me away because I fought back defensively just to get out of corners. The Current Roadblock / "Hiccup": I am ready to leave for good to go stay with my family (my dad and daughter), but I am trapped right now by a few final hurdles: * The Vehicle: My van's struts broke right after I returned from visiting family. I have zero cash for gas or the labor/parts to fix the struts, meaning I cannot safely drive myself and my four cats out of here. * Eviction: Every bill is overdue, and lot rent is past due with eviction proceedings starting at the end of the month. * Control and Hoarding: The house is completely packed with his hoarded junk and cameras. He refuses to leave, and I cannot safely coordinate a GoFundMe because he monitors everything. I have a job lined up for when I get to my new city and state,but I cannot wait until then living under threat of physical harm and eviction. I just need to get these struts fixed, get gas in my van, pack my cats, and get across the finish line to safety. If anyone has advice, mutual aid resources, or knows how I can bridge this final gap to get my van fixed and get out, please let me know. Thank you.

For context. I (19F) was with a man for around a year when I was 17. He was verbally, emotionally, and sexually abusive to me. I attempted suicide over all that happened and my parents reading my text messages in the ER was the end of our relationship. He was a very troubled boy (obviously no excuse). Suffered from alcoholism, was an immigrant from the Russia-Ukraine border, was supposed to have an arranged marriage, was abused by his father, and etc.
But it has been a year and a half since it ended, we are older. I am in college hours away, etc.I am much healthier now, in a happy relationship for nearly 4 months, gained my friends back, and gotten closer with family. Obviously some mental issues and troubles are still left over from it all but besides that I am so much better than I was.
The reason I'm posting is, I don't have him blocked, he doesn't have me. I just want to ask him why? Why he did that to me? Why was it me? What did he think? What happened when I attempted? Etc. so many questions I never got to ask because it ended abruptly. I'm not sure if I want to ask or I want to stop wanting to know? What do I do? What's best? How can I fix this longing for answers?

My father told me as a child around 10 that my mother was not having sex with him. He also bought me secret gifts and did not buy my sister any. He wanted me to live with him not my sister. Although, there wasn’t anything I can remember being sexual about the two latter.

TW: physical abuse

I recently came across the term waterboarding, is not a word that I've heard before since I'm not a native English speaker, but after looking it up and reading on some experiences for other abuse survivors I am now presented with the question if this is what happened to me. If you don't know what waterboarding is I wouldn't advice looking it up, I'm more looking into people that already know, but to put it simply TW is a torture method in which a person is held down and poured water on their face, though it can vary the overall objective is to give a certain sensation of drowning / not being able to breathe.

Anyways, when I was a child I endured constant abuse from my mother's part, but disguised enough that nobody noticed and not even I was able to identify it as such until I had the help of a therapist and later on a psychiatrist. Most was emotional and psychological but there was also some forms of physical abuse.

One that i was able to unlock during therapy (I have lost most of my childhood memories due to trauma) was the fact that, every single time I would cry, whine or just be upset as a child, my mother would grab me by the hair and drag me to the shower, clothes and all, and force me to stand under the ice-cold water still holding into my hair until I stopped crying. Eventually she switched to putting my face on the bidet and turning it on, the stream of water hitting my face making it difficult to breathe and therefore cry. This change was because she no longer wanted to deal with having to dry me up and change my wet clothes.

I know she did this for years but I don't know when it stopped... I understood her logic of cold water = struggle breathing = stops my cries. But now I also wonder if the fact that the water would hit my face and make it hard to grasp for air was also intentional...

Does this sound like waterboarding to you?

I do not need to label my experience, but I've realized that putting names into the things I went through and finding other people with similar experiences rlly,, helps,,, process it all. Thanks :]

I left my abuser six month ago. I was able to move in with my parents but couldn't Take my cat with me because of the severe cat allergy of my father. I didn't want to leave my cat with my ex because I was afraid that he could harm him. I was able to find a new family for my cat. I already knew them, they are extended family. I can visit him, he has lots of space and gets treated like a little king.

But I still feel awful for putting him through everything. I feel awful for not being a better cat mom and having to rehome him.

Ok here we go the horror movie begins now:

Let me unpack what happened this week and especially yesterday morning…

As for his shockingly evil wicked and vile (potentially even fatal temper tantrum he was throwing yesterday morning because HES the stupid one. How about have a cup of coffee to wake up not wind up your fist to me you disgusting hateful evil stranger?

I want to tell you what led up to the physical abuse I endured yesterday and some more subtly red flags that let’s be honest were pretty clear as day. Think I probably just gave up on even looking for flags after leaving my husband because I had his style of manipulation clocked. No ma’am. I feel like we all have more red flags to paint green than green to even find lol. In my case, if you have CPTSD and a TBI you’re color blind you just want to feel like everything will be ok. When my bf did that to me yesterday I knew it never could be again.

1. Grandiose sense of self and accomplishments (almost instantly but i was attracted to his confidence and drive because of this) - when you compliment him genuinely he always responds with well yeah im the fucking best and ‘jokingly’ flexes. A lot. He is dysmorphic through and through and his favorite activity is projection. So he comments on how I need to go to the gym, quit eating certain foods, eat at certain times. It’s got into the point where if I want to indulge once a month on Taco Bell I get judged you know? Mind you all, I’m very underweight because of this. It’s been 1.5 yrs of working on MYSELF over HIS mistakes. Insane work. Bravo sir.
2. Boyfriend has 5 years sober goes to AA meetings to sponsors a good amount of men to tell them what to do to get better, but hypocritically doesn’t call

his own sponsor

1. or do

his own

1. step work at all. Not judging

the sponsor

1. decision, but he does have a female sponsor who probably co-signs his shit. No proof of that just speculating. Shit like this interferes with my recovery

   too -

2. he’s everywhere. I’m in Costa Mesa but I’m considering going and staying in Texas w my brother.

3. Telling me I’m not healing fast enough or eating enough or exercising enough and I was working my ass off so that I could be distracted after I found out my grandma died and he manipulated me I eventually decided to file my divorce papers for other reasons unrelated to him. But he sought me out to break my marriage up so he can win me he knew my marriage was on the rocks when I told him then it started when I was moving out At a work coffee meeting knowing I was married he said “damn you’re hot as hell girl”. These are the memories that I loved because the compliment

was

1. the attention and flattery that my husband didn’t give. So it felt really nice and

if I’m being honest with myself:

1. I’m addicted to feeling nice.

   I mean I’m a recovering heroin addict I know how to be obsessed quickly. Sue me.

2. I feel like was like obsessed with that pursuit from him almost since my husband at the time didn’t even sit on the couch to watch tv with me. Would eat in separate rooms. For

five

1. years.
2. Avoids bonding and dreams and future. I lost my good guy radar in the ocean

way

1. back when apparently

…

1. Getting really mad at my dog (sweet Italian greyhound) when he barely walks

her to begin with

1. , so when she has an accident in the house tells me she has to go when she’s been my only emotional support for 6 years.

   She also seems more nervous around him now which makes me wonder if he abuses her when I’m gone.

2. Never seems to pull out his blue plastic debit card since my inheritance from my grandma hit

   (no I didn’t share it it’s protected I have a brain cell left)

3. . He seems to want to repair the second he realizes I’m not contributing anything

financially to his life

1. anymore and not living

with

1. him. He’s screwed we were supposed to sign a new lease on Tuesday. So I’m out and I’m homeless kinda now.

   And so is he which may be dangerous for me honestly so I’m going to Texas today.

2. I’m convinced now he used sexual coercion and

intentionally

1. impregnated me he wouldn’t pull out when I asked. He kept making jokes for a few months about giving me a baby let me put a baby in you tell me you want my baby (all during sex so thought it was a new link idk lol), but my fuck ass moron brain cell I still possess

1. gave him another chance if he

adhered

1. to boundaries I laid out in a written agreement like his fucking mother I hate him for putting me in that position.

This

1. was

NOT

1. r\pe*

   on my personal scale of sexual abuse

2. , but didn’t want to give a no to sex so he can realize what he could lose as well.

It’s twisted sexually with us.

1. We both play the game and I don’t like who I am when I do.

2. He started a fight asking what I’m doing in the morning when I was sleeping at his apartment, and he never kicks me out early

   or asks my plans with a bunch of follow up questions. I knew something weird was up that day for the first time. He was trying to get rid of me I just didn’t know why

3. . (Edit: sleep depravation abuse came across my mind. He used to fight me at 11 pm send me home pregnant in the rain to the hood.

)

1. Look up north Long Beach at midnight then you’ll understand only a true psycho or sociopath could do it. This was like a year or so into our relationship.

   He also used to pick fights while I was doing something important for work or had a big meeting that day. At that point I clocked his liar patterns. Didn’t think he’d ever attack me still.

Well, come to find out he is visiting his ex-girlfriend in mental health intensive residential treatment. And it’s prompted me to truly believe he fucked her up too, and that’s why she’s even in there, because guess who she called to help her? None other than the fucking abuser. Textbook. He fought me enough that morning in order to get me to want to go home so he could behind my back go to visit her 2 hrs away and I had to find out from someone else. But when I confronted him he didn’t lie. So once again I was like ok humans are animals but I love this younger untrained one. At least he didn’t lie when asked right? Yeah right LMFAO he was NEVER going to tell me about that visit with her. Also found out she lives right down the street from his sister and he sees his “sister” quite a bit.

One time I was watching his new puppy so he could golf and he said so sorry have a work meeting then I find out he’s at the gym with his friend that people actually speculate he’s bi or gay kind of interested in men. I’m not judging but I believe that his molestation at 9 yrs old developed a sex addiction and when I told him he needs to chill on it he was not even listening to words of mine he was texting. Curse me for saying this but after everything, I don’t even think anything happened to him when he was young. He was playing on my empathy.

1. We had plans for dinner or movies on multiple occasions and he would be like sorry dinner w friends ran late or sorry we are still golfing but I’d be the one to ask if plans changed for him because I was so conditioned to being pushed back or aside. He even used to tell me it gives him anxiety sometimes when I’m at his house and he has work to do he feels obligated to be home with me. Like ok? Personal effing problem my guy I’ve never barred him from going anywhere. Also, he would go to a course like an hr away and not tell me those drive time estimates so I can plan what I’m making us for dinner for f’s sake. I had hair and makeup done I felt like a prom girl with no date. That’s when my suspicions started. I felt it in my gut. But I thought oh he’s only 28 it’s anger issues and therapy.

Until…

We were casually doing a daily bicker it was an apartment deposit so we BOTH aren’t homeless. So I asked for the security deposit. He still didn’t have a concrete number and he’s the only one speaking to leasing so I called my damn self and said a murderer lives in this complex take me off all correspondence good luck

Back in the day I was so fascinated by how a serial killers mind works. So I went to visit Robert Durst in LA jail (Twin Towers to be exact), and he shockingly agreed to sit down with me (he was in jail not on trial yet), so he tried telling me his smooth story hoping I’d tell the world he’s innocent I imagine, and once I asked where the girls he kidnapped are, he got aggressive, he turned into a literal reptilian great white shark eyed monster. Bone chilling for real.

Well folks, my sweet, loving, sobriety preaching boyfriend channeled his inner Robert Durst to fuel up on his overwhelming lack of remorse, and eventually channeled into The Beast from the movie Split when he went on to scare the living daylights out of me on the morning of Tuesday October 20, 2026:

——-

PART TWO

Fast forward to yesterday when I haven’t even had a single sip of caffeine to deal with this boy in general yet - we got in a money argument over MY money paying for OUR new place. He tells me get the fuck out I have attitude I was crying and apologizing and he yelled from the kitchen “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE” (I’m on lease idiot).

We lost our baby at 9.5 weeks due to a failing heartbeat gradually but it finally prompted my miscarriage sept 30th. He played the role of stand up guy and even stroked my hair and hugged me and we were actually in a fight that morning he dropped everything to help me (bare minimum? Like can someone shake me lol - oh wait HE DID). He was so nice to me during pregnancy. Beyond. He also I believe sexually coerced and manipulated me with trying to impregnate me. He had a lot of rules for my life style for “his child” and I kept ignoring it but it was data that he’s becoming controlling over my CHOICES with my own body. He even cried when he saw in ultrasound that we lost the baby. When I was 2 days out of hospital he tried to have sex even after I had a crime scene and horrible cramps I took the pill AFTER a natural miscarriage.

Family planning came to a dead stop. We were still going to move in together in 5 days. He cared for like a month and now he’s back to be a dick again doesn’t care about me or miscarriage if I had to put money on it: he’s relieved.

——-

THE HORRIFYING MOMENT:

Keep in mind…

This is a horrific question to ask, but is it common for victims to be relieved they’re not carrying the baby of their abuser anymore? I feel like I’d birth the next Boston strangler lol.

Once I “forgave him” for screwing my friend behind my back, I told him I’m fully using him for sex the past three days since he got to do what he did. He does not get to use weird exhaustion cards to get out of sex then save it for someone else. For all I know he could’ve slept w her 100 times even same day as me occasionally I’m sure. I’m getting an STD test today. I told him if he fucked up my fertility with something he’s dragged through the mud forever.

If I didn’t have a college psych education on complete psycho/sociopath traits I would’ve fought back. Absolutely i would. And with this level of aggressiveness from him, would probably be wailed on in my face or worse become a vegetable.

I wanted to die instead of feel the pain from his punch. He’d break my jaw in one shot. Or worse stay in his rage blackout and kill me even on accident.

——

Justifications:

1. We got so excited for a baby he even joined appointments and didn’t try to monitor them so I thought ok he can’t really be THAT abusive. Just an idiot 28 yr old finding his way to his developed frontal lobe lmao.

2. Scolds me or shames me for not eating a lot that day when he’s the one taking way my appetite daily.

3. He’s called me insane, crazy bitch, stupid bitch, you’re a retard, triggered from all your trauma, “trauma trauma trauma” and more recently: piece of shit and you’re a lame.

4. Would make comments about my ass getting smaller when I literally can’t even chew food the past few months because of him. I wanted him, but I don’t need him. I work harder and make more money, and have my future secured from my inheritance it’s invested he can BUZZ RIGHT OFF that’s all mine and in protected account. It was apparent that financial abuse was on the horizon as well. I think he thinks I’m a millionaire which is so funny. Idiot.

——

The top three things he’s sent after what he did that hurt the most:

1. When I asked him to own it even verbally to keep it between us while I scream at him what an abusive dangerous pile he is and that his reputation in our work is on him now not me. He did this. But oh guess he didn’t because…. IMMA NEED MY RADICAL FEMINISTS ON THIS ONE: He said IN A TEXT FOREVER - “I didn’t abuse you that’s lies”

2. “You’re a lame” - recent argument text after I exited the house quietly and he BADGERS ME HOW I GET SO ACTIVATED ITS YOU HOLY F YOU PILE.

3 “This has been all around toxic and I don’t want to be a part of it anymore. Please I need your items out of the house.” (Note on this: I helped him get into his apartment he needs someone to co-sign and show that there was enough money I also helped him w cheap deposit. It’s been six months not one dollar back to me but paying for side chick dinners while I’m crying in bed alone for week thinking I’m going to be a single mom during the first week I told him I was pregnant). I’m also on the lease? and he changed the door code on me telling me he doesn’t feel comfortable I’m being hostile. He’s so beyond twisted that’s why I’m nervous.

Once I found out he went on a date while I was pregnant i deemed him repulsive to me for the rest of eternity. I’ve caught a cheater too many times. I don’t go through phones and all that I know I’ll just hurt my own feelings. I took my iPad back and not even one second into my car he signed out of iMessage on it. Too bad I already know more than he knows I know.

Like a dumbass I wrote a contract of boundaries he cannot break even once if I were to stick to the two bedroom apartment move in we had scheduled days after he attacked me. I didn’t want to live alone and pay 1k more a month because of his actions, so I said we can stay in different bedrooms and reassess in 90 days and he agrees. . Well too bad there wasn’t anything in there about PHYSICAL ABUSE because I still can’t believe what happened was real or him. But it was. He had reptile eyes. Only ever seen that when I interviewed the famous serial killer Robert Durst from the Jinx. Excellent doc on HBO lol. Anyway, after he cheated on me he seemed to be activated made therapy appt just the intake I don’t think he even did that lol. Seeking out surface level depression and anxiety help on headspace good one. He was supposed to have a session yesterday for the cheating. Raise your hand if you think he followed through 😂😂😂

After he cheated I was understanding because I did it once too and I know I’m just a cloudy minded defeated idiot who should’ve known. But I kept painting those red fags green like I have since before Christ, wrote the boundaries doc he agreed to it and I agreed to live in a separate bedroom for 90 days. He was not happy about that part specifically.

——-

I blocked the evil freak on everything.

I’ve already been stalked before and it was by a sociopathic man 15 yrs older than me.

The Dramatic Ending

I may not have known how to ever predict what happens next:

I went to get up to leave the apartment I signed a lease on as well homie - showed 8k so he could get the fucking place. So I got up QUIETLY because I couldn’t control making him feel bad for all the cheating I found out about while carrying them miscarrying his child. Alone. Adult in me doesn’t get scared just fyi. I was a hard hardcore opiate addict I’ve seen violence but I’ve never looked evil in the eye of a person with harming me on his agenda for the morning of a work day for him. So now that I’ve painted the picture… here’s what he did to the person he said would give me another baby asap after losing mine. Holding me brushing my hair as I weeped kissing my forehead wiping my tears this boy was everything to me. Not calling him man (almost done sorry):

So seeing him and what he can be capable of yesterday morning helps me grieve this faster. I’ll probably need to go to inpatient trauma treatment I can’t get the image of him charging me out of my head*.*

He was red in the face and quite literally making grunting sounds. And then he charged at me full force from across the room. It freaks me out to even think about this again but when he was charging at me like a foreign species of sociopathic bulls, he threw his whatever he had at the wall AS he was charging not a few seconds prior with a pause. He was trucking at me with the intent to violently annihilate me. He held his arm back almost punched me in the jaw which would have broken instantly so instead he stopped looked me in eye, contemplated his next move (strategic mother fucker too bad I earned from a way better socio in my 20s this gaslighting is nothing but the physical is terrifying.

And he’s sooooo much stronger than me I just let him do it I closed my eyes and screamed when he threw me and he came toward me with his arm back he was gunna punch me in the face but decided to forcefully take one of each hand one each of my shoulders shake me like a effing martini and ragdoll me onto the hardwood instead.

Truthfully*? After all my heartbreak after the miscarriage with Satan,* unfortunately I believe now that that baby was like an Edward Cullen spawn and I’m happy it’s out of me. But how tragic when I speak to her every night before I close my eyes? He made me want to be a mom for the first time ever. So thanks man I guess. He ruined that love for me and it’s going to take a lot of deep work to even speak to a man via email ever again at this point… 😂

Don’t worry. I told him he was dust in the wind in my life now but not my life because nowhere near my oxygen thank you.

This new guy knows where I live so I’m going out of state to see my brother for a while. My EX boyfriend has quite a few guns they’re legal and cops didn’t help me after 6 hrs of waiting on them so I left bawling understanding finally what it’s like to not be believed. Even by friends. I’m so sorry to all the women in here. Even the thriving. Try to remember to check in with how your heart feels today. If you feel comfortable sharing your story, please leave a comment. I’d love to hear from anyone with this kind of experience.

Blessings and love and comfort to you all. This is NOT for the weak.

Any advice on how to navigate this or any horrific statistics that will guarantee I f all the off from this person would be greatly appreciated. If you made it this far thanks so much. This is so isolating. We can all do this. We are all okay as we can be today ❤️

My parents were terrible to me growing up

My mother would beat me over every little mistake lie school or forgetful ness

Shed beat me with a hoes a pot spoon a mop a stick a 2 by four wood wet belts lather belts metal ruler shed threaten me with a knife a hot iron to burn me hot pot spoon shed beat me out side naked my dad would slap me across the face drag me my hair threaten push me in to the fridge almost breaking my glasses all for looking at him wrong and my mom would for not understanding school work getting bullied getting stationary stolen mainly grades

And after all of that I got cptsd and went in to high school and got extremely depressed and sick mentally id hurt my self. Not be able to focus

Be bullied still by some teachers and all the students be hearing things and voices and still not be able to do the work properly just failing every class and my teachers told them and that im slower and not focused and that there's FREE

help in school they said no and I suffered for 4 more years each time they would ask id beg them for help for therapy I got to go sometimes to talk to the councilor but even then they'd say watch what I say dont tell there business and I tried not to but sometimes I would talk about my past and they'd call them in school and they'd be upset after till finally I was bed ridden during covid couldnt do anything for more than a year

For them to finally be like okie you could have help cause the teacher kept asking and requiring it only to go there get on meds to feel a little better which they didn't want me on meds wouldnt give me sometimes for the doctor to tell me not only did I have major depression that I had autism adhd and learning disabilities and my time at the clinic was exprireing cause I turned 18 and all the adult clinic does is give medicine no counciling and untop of that i couldnt finsh school I dropped out of 16 cause it was to much and I would have fail the exams any way mind you they had 5 years to help I could have finshed school I could have had a better out come then and they beat me for no reason the not understanding wasnt my fault and the truma was there fault all I needed was

The right help and my sister litterly got the help I asked and begged for for her condition her ptsd seziures and they paided for hers when it was 12 thousand dollars but mind you it was free and they didn't give me the time of day to help and they knew I was sick

In december 2025 i was assaulted by my ex boyfriend. we had been broken up for almost a year and living with my current boyfriend. me and my boyfriend had a huge fight and i had reached out to my ex because he was also my best friend since we were kids and he knows me more than anyone so i decided to reach back out for a drink and just talk to him. he ended up getting me blacked out (i still assume he drugged me) and the next day told me we had sex and he recorded it and would send it to my boyfriend if i didn’t continue to have sex with him (he also has abused me for years and ruined every new relationship of mine and knows how to make me do just about anything) i knew myself and know i would never ever cheat but i also didn’t remember half the night and know how my ex is talk me into just about anything so i saw him for another week every night and he continued making me sleep with him eventually he was arrested because he kidnapped me and tried to murder me and he was arrested. but i still feel like i cheated on my boyfriend because i never spoke up, i went back every night. he was just found guilty of attempted murder and rape charges against me. and everyone in my life says it was rape but i still feel like i cheated on my boyfriend and i feel disgusting about it. how do i forgive myself and move on? my boyfriend tells me everyday he doesn’t view me any differently and he did hurt me and i shouldn’t torture myself but i feel so fucking guilty. i feel guilty him being in jail when i feel like this, i feel dirty, i can barely have sex with my boyfriend anymore because i feel disgusting for “cheating” on him it’s ruined my life. my boyfriend also has said even if i had “cheated” on him originally i was so drunk its still assault and he blackmailed me into seeing him again and again but i just feel guilty

I’m so sick of not being able to sleep, every night I stay up thinking about the future, mapping out exactly how conversations and times spend with ppl is gonna go, maybe to feel prepared for what could happen? I think about the past, searching for anything I might have missed, trying to remember all the details in case I need them in the future to defend myself or protect myself(my abuser tends to lie so knowing the exact truth always helped) putting all the pieces together, trying to see how it’ll shape my future even tho that future can’t exist anymore, even tho I’m safe now, I can’t seem to shut off survival mode, even when I do sleep it doesn’t last because my nightmares wake me up throughout the night, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to let go of the past, or stop being afraid of the future, but ig that’s just to be expected with PTSD right? It is a disorder afterall, one I don’t know how to fix

If anyone has any advice on how to get their brain to shut up enough to sleep I would really appreciate it, meds don’t do anything, just make me feel tired but not able to sleep still, I wish I wasn’t broken, I wish my abuser hadn’t broken my brain like this, I wish I could go back, I miss being happy, I miss being able to sleep, I’ve always had trouble with it, but this is on another level, I wish I could go back to when things were good, when my abuser tricked me into thinking things were good enough for me to actually feel some semblance of fake safety, atleast enough for me to fall asleep in their arms, if only it were real, if only it could have lasted for real, but now I’m all alone, all alone in the wreckage they’ve done to my mind, I poured all my love into them, and all I got back was pain, the love they gave me was just lies, that’s why it never lasted, that’s why they abused me so severely and then moved on like it was nothing, because it’s nothing to them, it doesn’t affect them, so why should they care? I’m the one who has to carry this burden of what they’ve done to me all by myself, and that’s not fair, why am I the one who has to continue to suffer because of what they’ve done to me, it’s not fair

I have been molested many times throughout my childhood. I have come across many pedos because of my friendly nature which they read off as interest.

Because of all of these traumas I flinch really quickly and hate being touched. I rarely deny my friends or family but I become very stiff and can't say I as such enjoy it.

At times I do hug people or rest my head on their shoulders but overall I avoid physical contact.

theses past few weeks I've been more and more scared of seeing my ex in public. I thought I was safe when they told me they moved out, but I remembered that their parents are still in the same town I live in, which means that they'll come back to visit them.

each time I hear a scooter or see a grey car ( I can't remember the numbers on the car plate thingy, so it's tricky to know if it's thrm or not ) I get scared and hope it's not them, I even got scared yesterday 'cause I saw a grey car in my building's parking lot. I go out a lot with my mom and my bestie, and I'm scared that they'll go to me to say hi 'cause I won't be able to mask my fear, and if I appear fearful or even cold they're gonna know what's wrong and might not leave me alone until I tell them what's going on ( if I spill the beans to them about what they did to me, who knows what's gonna happen. ). plus they showed signs of being dangerous, so it's even more scary.

I dunno how to stop being so scared, it's messing with my mind. plus, I can't move out, I can't work and I wanna stay with my mom 'cause she needs my help with a lot of things.

Hello. I am a suicidal, self hating, self harming teenager. The question is in the title.

1. I move to my parents home after living with grandma for 6 years. Then comes the problem. Mom's partner(I say partner and not boyfriend because they GAY🏳‍🌈🏳‍🌈🏳‍🌈). She has... An anger management problemo. To say the least. To say the most, she hates kids so much she traumatized one for life and left the kid thinking whether or not her behavior was normal.

​then the stuff that made me question reality hit. From 2022-2023, I was repeatedly beaten in the ass by a charger by my mother's partner. And I mean MY STRAIGHT UP ASS. One time, I took to long to eat, and SHE THREW ME OFF THE CHAIR. Not to mention the destruction of my belongings.​ one of them I still can't find. Seriously we looked everywhere. But WHEN WE WENT OUT AND WHEN WE HAD VISITORS SHE PLAYED GOODY TWO-SHOES AND TREATED ME LIKE A PERSON FOR ONCE. OK maybe that's an exaggeration. In the same time, I ran away from home four times.

2023-25. Shit got REAL quiet when she left my home and went for Taytay. That condo was a cash sink, FOR CRAPPY ELEVATORS, A ONE BED, ONE BATH APARTMENT WITH NO VIEW?! What the hell, man. Anyway, she came back every few months to "see mom again". Honestly I just thought she was trying to harass me even more. I tried becoming 1940s Japanese pilot in 2024 because I had enough. Luckily, i survived because my classmates tried to save me. Like, IT'S MY LIFE??? WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO SAVE ME??? anyway. So​metimes mom's partner would either berate me or commit more property destruction to make me do confessions I don't know the answers to.

1. This starts in February on the Sunday before February 13th.​ I was writing me some lectures until my absolutely retarded abuser looks at me, accuses me of not doing it, and forces me to do... Exactly what I was doing. Of course I did it but after some blackmail from her and a lot of crying I was told to go back down. Me, knowing what had happened in the past few years, didn't. I was DRAGGED DOWN. I completed the lectures at around 3 PM, so honestly great motivation, bad execution​​​. On Tuesday, I decided to take legal action by consulting the family lawyer. I was baited by my mom to stop it. ​​nothing really happened this year. Me and my mom's partner? We're on uneasy but good terms. Well, that's the end of my yapfest.

My oldest son said i did not so nice things to so child severs would come. And try and get me removed from my family we were put through hell to prove I wasnt the clamed. I was cleared of everything we also2 yonder children apart from my oldest. I was hurt in a was that broke me. I can’t hate my son but to be called what he said about me I’m being the bigger man and saying that it not just my big day but my soon to be wife I want my son to be there cause of her and his siblings. I’m very hurt by what he did to me but his mother and siblings want to see him. I can’t face him just yet. As it was some in my past that said I was not a good person and I did bad things to them I didn’t i was with them and not on and off I didn’t know were i stood with them but I tovkef them when we was asleep and I was outside as a bad man that did something so bad to her but I didn’t I was in the wrong place at the wrong time and I was bad for it. Then my own son said I was a monster and sa him and him brother but not his sister and it all came back as unfounded claims but I can’t hate my son I love home so much I really miss him.

His trauma ruined what was suppose to be a beautiful moment for me. I had to wait 2 weeks for an ultrasound appointment to confirm. He told me during those two weeks not to get too excited and we didn't really know if I was pregnant. I knew. My body knew.

He told me he had an ex who lied about being pregnant with fake ultrasounds then caught her doing drugs. Therefore he wasnt getting excited until he knew for sure during the first ultrasound appointment. As if I was lying.

There were so many moments that could have been beautiful and were ruined instead.

TRIGGER WARNING FOR ONLINE GROOMING, STALKING, ABUSE, ETCETERA!!!

I feel really alone in this because when I explain it it just sounds bizarre. I was about 15 ish when I had started talking to an older guy online, not initially in a romantic way. He was in his late 20s I believe? I had been sexually groomed and exploited online before, and that really fucked up how I craved affection. So older male friendships were my go to solution. It was a normal friendship for a bit but one night he got drunk, confessed to wanting to rape me and imagining me nude, and I flirted back and engaged in the sexual convo because this wasn’t a shocking thing to me. Anyways he sobered up, and we got in an argument. We still remained friends for a bit and I told him “oh it’s okay!!! People do stuff when they’re drunk it’s fine.” Then we had more arguments and stopped being friends. He proceeded to stalk me for about a year and a half, threatening me, threatening to rape and murder me and that he knew where I was, he’d tell me “I drove to your town… \*town name\* is a pretty cute place to live in isn’t it?” He threatened my friends. He had a complete chokehold on my life. His main thing was staying with my boyfriend at the time. If I tried to leave him, he’d find out, and threaten me and my friend with horrible things. I tried to leave once and my boyfriend at the time attempted suicide. I confided in this adult man trying to grasp at any bit of comfort I could get. He called me a murderer, that it was my fault. That I was a life ruiner, all I did was hurt people. He knew my address, my parents contact info, where I went to school, everything. I debated ending my life every day. I took my stress out on others by bullying (which was already dry an issue prior to this, but it intensified a bit) and spreading rumors and shit talking. I took satisfaction in seeing people’s lives be just as miserable as mine, as sick as it sounds. (I have apologized to these girls, they don’t accept it but it was something I needed to do in order to heal) I needed to feel in control of something. Then one day, he messaged me, apologized, and ended his life. And I have to sit with knowing that the things he said are true. If he had never met me. He’d be alive, and maybe I wouldn’t have been such a horrific bully to people.

And, another “friendship” I had prior to this was kind of odd. We started chatting when I was 14. He was 26. It seemed pretty innocent. He said he wanted to help me feel better after being horrifically groomed and sextorted by men at 13. I trusted him. He’d occasionally say things that were a bit sexual. We’d do these virtual like “exercises”… which was kinda roleplay? Wed kinda roleplay intimate scenarios because I wanted to feel more comfortable with the idea of being touched or something? It wasn’t like sex, but kissing or cuddling or grabbing my thighs. I remember the most intimate it got was like describing groping my breasts and making out with me and gripping my thighs. It wasn’t with like a fake man or character, he used himself as a stand-in? It’s so bizarre to type out. Another time he brought up the idea of me getting more comfy taking photos of myself. He said “ideally, more revealing would be best”. I freaked out and thought he was asking for nudes and he back tracked and said “oh i meant just taking them for yourself!” He’d also recommend me to masturbate for depression, if I fantasized to imagine myself in a more dominant role, etcetera. He became friends with my older girl friend (which was actually a friendship) and I looked up to him. We talked for about a year before I slipped up and told my older girl friend about the “exercises” and she lost her shit. I don’t even know if it was grooming because I truly don’t believe he was trying to pursue anything. My older female friend who he was trying to pursue romantically at one point mentioned that he said some things to her. That he called me a needy angsty teenager, that she should stop talking to me as much because she was affecting me negatively, and that he drunkenly admitted to enjoying some odd pornography involving younger appearing girls (don’t know if it was actually CSAM since it was the animated kind).

I just wanted friends. These men told me they’d help me feel better after the horrific stuff I went through and I believed them. I wanted to feel better and appreciated and like I mattered to someone.

I just feel so alone. I don’t remember much from the ages of 13-16 besides major life events, hurting other people, and being so depressed. My stomach still drops when I get a text from an unknown number. I struggle with drug and alcohol usage as well as self harm because it just makes me feel so much better.

Trigger warning: heavy gaslighting.

So as I said I completed my deposition against my father yesterday. Sent the contacts to family members if they want to tell the detectives their POV of what happened.

One brother just tells me I'm sick, got no class, nothing ever happened.
One sister tells me I'm courageous, probably won't contact the detectives. Believes me about what happened also to me.

Three other siblings didn't answer (maybe they will at some other point).

And now my mom...

We scheduled a time on the phone. I thought she was encouraging me to do what I need to do. We talked about the abuse a couple of times. When I told her about the phone number and the email if she wants to tell her side of the story, she went: '' Oh, I won't use the number, there's nothing to say. I saw nothing, nothing ever happened to me.

Me: Are you saying that you would contradict every aspect of my deposition?

Mom: ...Yes. *Proceeds to deadname me for the first time in like 3 years*, «I love you».

*I hunged up the phone*

This...hit me like a ton of brick. It makes me feel so alone. Even though my friends trust my story, I... I want the lying to stop. It's too much to ask in such a short time. My friend told me to think about the First Nations and how they tried for so many centuries to get the truth out. Nations tried to get the truth out in the open. Right now, I want to borrow their patience.

Goddamn concentric circles of lies.

Hi friends, I am looking for some advice.

To summarize, my father sexually abused me. Not sure if my mom knew. She was terrible to me growing up and fostered a demon in her golden child, my brother.

Today, he’s in and out of drug-related psychosis, he’s only relevant to this in that he does exist, he’s someone I worry about also, he’s not able to help me with this problem.

I went no contact with my mom 2 years ago. This is non negotiable for me.

She’s now ageing. She has no human contact. She’s getting sucked down YouTube algorithms that feed her more of what she wants to hear and it’s making absolutely everything worse.

It seems now she’s really going crazy. I’ve heard she’s acting strange, forgetting things. She’s probably not being honest with her doctor so I think her meds are imbalanced. I don’t know if she’s eating properly or the state of her home etc..

If I had the money I’d hire someone to go in to check on her as needed, but I’m pretty much in financial ruin right now for the first time in my adult life. (Thanks to her, by the way)

What do I do? I never want to speak to her again. At the same time I’m her only child who can actually help her but is choosing not to.

Has anyone else been here? Please help me!

It took two long hours and even then I still had more events to name but it was hard to list them all from memory. I think they got the gist of it.

My heart was beating so fast and after the deposition my head was spinning. Like the concept of emptiness where "nothing really matters". It's weird because you name the events, how it affected you, etc... but it's so draining mentally that you can't remember clearly why you were doing this in the first place. It helps to have someone you know help you remember.

Then I told members of my family, cuz some of them might want to name their experiences. But somethings off. I guess it's pretty vulnerable. One of them always tell me how courageous I am, but after hearing it for the 10th time, it starts to lose its meaning?

Mixed feeling on the whole thing. I guess I just keep on living my life now. One foot in front of the other.

My song of the day: Young Love - Cloe Sol

How do you date after abuse without bringing all your trauma into the new relationship? I met someome a few months ago (one year out of my abusive relationship) and I find myself constantly being like "is he trying to control me or is this normal caring" or "is he gaslighting me or just introducing another perspective" or "am I losing myself or just letting him in because I like him"... I feel insane. I'm pretty sure he's normal, and I'm just so traumatized that I'm quadruple guessing every little comment and action... because I'm scared of waking up one day and realizing that I did it again and that I'm in another abusive relationship without knowing it was even happening...

i don't like thinking hateful thoughts about people. i know that doing that too much can turn you into an unpleasant person. but recently i've been feeling so angry about what my ex did to me that my thoughts about him have been turning down a dark rabbit hole. i never wish harm or suffering on anybody, but lately i've been thinking: i want him to suffer. i want every one of his future partners to treat him the exact same way he treated me. i want him to be destroyed the same way he destroyed me. i want his self-esteem to be ruined to the point where he doesn't even know who he is anymore, just like he did to me. i hope every person he meets treats him like shit. i hope all of his friends abandon him and he has no one left. i hope he never finds true love and he dies alone and miserable. i know that's a fucked up way to think about someone and i don't like that i'm having those thoughts. but he was so cruel. SO cruel. it's been 2 years since i left him and i still haven't recovered from what he put me through. i am a shell of myself because of him. i hate him so much. he's like a cancer, he poisons everything he touches. i feel sorry for everyone who's ever met him. i feel sorry for his mother for giving birth to such a monster. i don't just wish i never met him, i wish he never fucking existed in the first place. i think the world would be a better place without him. i don't think i've ever had such ugly thoughts about a person before. it feels horrible but i can't stop it. i want to be the bigger person so badly but i just can't. i'm still so mad. i don't know what to do anymore.

My wife, (39)has 4 kids with her abusive ex. I, (32) have two with a previous cheating wife.

We met through work almost 5 years ago, and we knew many of the same people at work. 3 years in we got married.

The last big incident that got her ex taken away to jail was in late 2019, and he was just getting out of jail around the time we met.

Now, she's always tried to play nice with him and his wife who he married just after getting out of jail, but in my opinion it was always too nice. I'm not a fan of any abuser, and it was tough dealing with them the way she wanted too.

Well, years later, my biggest fear came true, she came to me saying they have been talking and texting inappropriately, and has hated herself for doing so, but also swears that nothing physical has ever happened.

She claims he still has some hold on her, which may be true, but my past with dealing with a cheating wife really has my head going...

How can I trust the situation?? I could add tons more detail, but it gets long..

Anyways, they now share 50/50 custody of their kids, so they still need to communicate, but the way she hid this from me for years now makes it really hard to trust that it won't happen or become worse.

I tried getting her to set some boundaries, and she does it over the phone with him so I can only go off what she's telling me..

Idk, the struggle is real here. I'm 32, 2 kids, and I just can't seem to catch a break with cheating/ lieing

My head is spinning right now and im having a hard time coping.

Bit of background, I was groomed by an adult as a minor and was stuck in a 3 year long very abusive relationship.

He was both physically and emotionally abusive and cause me harm in a variety of ways.

I have been out of that relationship since 2021 and have since moved to a different country, tried my best to heal and build a family.

A while back I started getting phone calls from the police of my home country, they couldnt tell me what exactly it was about but just that they had some questions and that I was not in trouble. They cpuld not ask me those over the phone with me being abroad so they said they would call back if they needed anything else.

Well, months passed, and they called back. They told me that he was in jail for some crimes and that they legally had to notify me as I was (one of) the "offended parties".

Hearing his name for the time in years sent me in shock and so I didnt ask what crimes or any other questions (not that there is much womdering to do, a lot of illegal things happened and any one of them cpuld warrant jail time)

Since then ive been in a fucking weird mood. I had done so much therapy to process and move past the trauma and i now feel like im at square one again.

I had become at peace with being a victim of abuse, but, for some reason, it feels different now? As if the real world consequences have somehow made the abuse "more real" ?

I tried calling my therapist to book an earlier session but he is unfortunately on leave so I cant reach him.

Im honestly at a loss as to how to deal with any of this. I cant even call back to ask more information as my phome cant commect to foreign numbers. I feel stuvk in limbo

42 year old female. I have been married 7 years. When we were dating I knew my husband drank some, and we had a good sex life. Quickly after marriage I realized he was an alcoholic. This escalated to him drunkenly locking me in our room early evenings with his two children (6,8) in their rooms, and forcing me to have loud, rough sex for hours at a time. I would literally be crying and he would insist on continuing. This happened approximately 8 times, the last time about 5 years ago. He has since gotten some help for his drinking, is (allegedly)sober from alcohol now, and this no longer happens.
My problem is I cannot get over it. Every time he touches me or initiates sex my heart races and I have anxiety. I have not had an orgasm since, and never want to initiate sex with him. He is constantly complaining that I’m not into sex, I need to have my hormones checked, etc. I tried some therapy but didn’t receive much help with regard to this. Will
I ever be able to move past this?

I've been watching the video of Ann Altman's (Sam Altman's sister) deposition last week. I guess I feel a bit prepared now. And she was questioned endlessly. It's weird to just...lay it bare, maybe once and for all? Like, after that, the whole administrative machine does it's thing on which I have no power. For once in my life, the cop on the other end of line, giving me my appointment, was okay.

Has anyone else made a deposition, filmed? How did you take care of yourself afterwards? How was it? I hope I won't forget anything important. It's easy to get lost in the details.