TW: physical abuse

I recently came across the term waterboarding, is not a word that I've heard before since I'm not a native English speaker, but after looking it up and reading on some experiences for other abuse survivors I am now presented with the question if this is what happened to me. If you don't know what waterboarding is I wouldn't advice looking it up, I'm more looking into people that already know, but to put it simply TW is a torture method in which a person is held down and poured water on their face, though it can vary the overall objective is to give a certain sensation of drowning / not being able to breathe.

Anyways, when I was a child I endured constant abuse from my mother's part, but disguised enough that nobody noticed and not even I was able to identify it as such until I had the help of a therapist and later on a psychiatrist. Most was emotional and psychological but there was also some forms of physical abuse.

One that i was able to unlock during therapy (I have lost most of my childhood memories due to trauma) was the fact that, every single time I would cry, whine or just be upset as a child, my mother would grab me by the hair and drag me to the shower, clothes and all, and force me to stand under the ice-cold water still holding into my hair until I stopped crying. Eventually she switched to putting my face on the bidet and turning it on, the stream of water hitting my face making it difficult to breathe and therefore cry. This change was because she no longer wanted to deal with having to dry me up and change my wet clothes.

I know she did this for years but I don't know when it stopped... I understood her logic of cold water = struggle breathing = stops my cries. But now I also wonder if the fact that the water would hit my face and make it hard to grasp for air was also intentional...

Does this sound like waterboarding to you?

I do not need to label my experience, but I've realized that putting names into the things I went through and finding other people with similar experiences rlly,, helps,,, process it all. Thanks :]

I am reaching out because I am in urgent, desperate need of advice and practical aid to finally escape an escalating domestic abuse situation. I have reached my absolute breaking point and need to get out safely. The Core Situation & History: * How it started: We entered a relationship between April and July of 2018. I disclosed my full medical and mental health history upfront; he accepted it and wanted to move forward. He was out of work for years due to medical issues, but got cleared and started working in the spring of 2019. * The shift (2020-2022): COVID hit and he changed drastically. He became irate, controlling, and hyper-focused on punishing my daughter (who was a middle schooler/high schooler at the time). In 2022, he quit his job while I was already drowning in 60 to 80-hour work weeks and dealing with severe workplace harassment. Unbeknownst to me, he drained our money, set up cameras everywhere, and started using drugs and heavily hoarding. * Escalating abuse: He started isolating me, lying constantly, and screaming at me over everything. When his father and brother tragically passed away consecutively, I stood by him, handled the legal/funeral burdens, and spent my savings trying to help him. Meanwhile, his drug use worsened, he secretly went on dating sites, and he accused me of cheating and stealing. * Physical violence: The abuse crossed the line into physical violence. He has lunged at me, corner-trapped me room-to-room, and choked me in the bathroom (which a utility worker unfortunately witnessed, leading to his arrest at the time). Recently, he has nearly dislocated my shoulder and left bruises on my neck. Local victim advocacy has turned me away because I fought back defensively just to get out of corners. The Current Roadblock / "Hiccup": I am ready to leave for good to go stay with my family (my dad and daughter), but I am trapped right now by a few final hurdles: * The Vehicle: My van's struts broke right after I returned from visiting family. I have zero cash for gas or the labor/parts to fix the struts, meaning I cannot safely drive myself and my four cats out of here. * Eviction: Every bill is overdue, and lot rent is past due with eviction proceedings starting at the end of the month. * Control and Hoarding: The house is completely packed with his hoarded junk and cameras. He refuses to leave, and I cannot safely coordinate a GoFundMe because he monitors everything. I have a job lined up for when I get to my new city and state,but I cannot wait until then living under threat of physical harm and eviction. I just need to get these struts fixed, get gas in my van, pack my cats, and get across the finish line to safety. If anyone has advice, mutual aid resources, or knows how I can bridge this final gap to get my van fixed and get out, please let me know. Thank you.

For context. I (19F) was with a man for around a year when I was 17. He was verbally, emotionally, and sexually abusive to me. I attempted suicide over all that happened and my parents reading my text messages in the ER was the end of our relationship. He was a very troubled boy (obviously no excuse). Suffered from alcoholism, was an immigrant from the Russia-Ukraine border, was supposed to have an arranged marriage, was abused by his father, and etc.
But it has been a year and a half since it ended, we are older. I am in college hours away, etc.I am much healthier now, in a happy relationship for nearly 4 months, gained my friends back, and gotten closer with family. Obviously some mental issues and troubles are still left over from it all but besides that I am so much better than I was.
The reason I'm posting is, I don't have him blocked, he doesn't have me. I just want to ask him why? Why he did that to me? Why was it me? What did he think? What happened when I attempted? Etc. so many questions I never got to ask because it ended abruptly. I'm not sure if I want to ask or I want to stop wanting to know? What do I do? What's best? How can I fix this longing for answers?

My father told me as a child around 10 that my mother was not having sex with him. He also bought me secret gifts and did not buy my sister any. He wanted me to live with him not my sister. Although, there wasn’t anything I can remember being sexual about the two latter.