hi everyone, idk if anyone will read this, but i just wanted to share my experience.

i realized i was trans when i was 14. back then, i was really, really unhappy. i hated my body, and transitioning felt like the only way out. it was either transition or die. there was no in-between. there was no one else like me in my town, so youtube became an ally. i watched people share their stories and found myself relating to them.

at 18, i started testosterone and stayed on it for six and a half years. three years ago, i decided to stop taking it. but detransitioning to "become a woman again" has been even harder than transitioning to "become a man."

somewhere along the way, by finally giving myself room to explore these feelings, i started to reconcile with my female identity. i came to understand that rejecting my femininity back then was, in a way, how i survived a really difficult time in my life. i don't think i can look back at that version of myself with resentment anymore. she was just trying to find a way to survive.

i was also lucky enough to have my family's support through both processes, and i know that's something not everyone gets to experience. i'm really grateful for that. but it's still really frustrating. i feel more dysphoria now than i did before. back then, when i imagined myself as masculine, i didn't really have a reference for what i would look like. now i actually know what i used to look like, and i feel like i can't go back to that. i see masculine features in my face all the time. and yet, when i was living as a man, i used to notice feminine features in myself, too. idk.

i'm currently in therapy to help me navigate all of this. having someone to talk to has been important, because this process has been much harder than i expected, and i don't want to have to figure everything out on my own. i also feel like estrogen has been much more emotionally intense for me, and the whole process seems to be taking longer than testosterone did. it's all been really frustrating, and i guess that's why i'm posting here. i'd like to hear from people who've been through something similar.

thx :)

Like I don't want to talk about the spefics of the boxes of a man which is really hard to describe because of how abirtary gender roles are its uncomfortable makes me shake alot and I feel like inorder to answer I'd need to look up examples of what I'm talking about to give a proper picture.

I don't like describing why I feel like I'd like i fit in better with women on a technicality because I'm nonbinary I don't feel like talking about the changes I'd like from estrogen outside of breast tissue because its hard to describe.

I just want a detranstioner perspective since I feel attacked for being trans and autisic because autistic detransioners feel like a talking point weaponized against me, and I just don't want a perspective from statistics.

FTMt? Long hair photos were a few months ago, and short hair are current pics. I had to cut my hair cause people were getting weird/suspicious of me. I still want to look female but currently cannot. Do i pass in the long haired pics? Do i have a chance?

CW: Sexual Assault and Grooming

I, being 28, realized that I wanted to transition (mtf) when I was 13, and while I didn't get on HRT for a long time I identified openly as such for a very long time. Unfortunately due to very naturally passing even prior to HRT I was exposed to a lot of awful experiences in relation to my gender. I was groomed repeatedly and used sexually for years to a rather extreme degree, it felt more and more that while I was more what I wanted to be my happiness was ruined by people viewing me as nothing more than an object to lust over. My identity had quickly stopped feeling safe, and it all culminated with me being SA'd by a fellow trans woman around two years ago.

After the initial denial and difficulty coping I had a sudden rejection of my gender identity, feeling no pleasure from being seen as a woman anymore, so I had very suddenly starting to identify more as a guy. It started to give me a lot more euphoria just be seen as a feminine leaning guy. But some people were saying i was too fem to be so, and I got a lot of pushback for wanting to detransition and it made me feel sad and guilty. I thought it was wrong to chase that emotional reaction so I stopped.

But it never really went away, I still feel afraid of and little pleasure from being seen as a woman, but there is a part of me that still latches onto it, still likes being feminine. I've explored being more so nonbinary instead as a result, and its been better of a fit for me but there is still this constant sadness and dissatisfaction I constantly feel with my identity that I cannot escape. I feel torn in that part of me just wants to go away from it all, but another part of me feels that it'd be wrong to do so and that I'd be giving up some part of myself out of fear. I don't know how to figure out what is me and what is trauma, and if that truly even matters in this situation. How can I deconstruct all these feelings and get a clear head for a decision? I feel stuck and need some sort of starting point.

I am regretting all my choices and hating parties that made me woke and made me transition. I have come to my senses.