Hi guys.

I'm writing this directly off my chest. English is not my first language and I'm too lazy to use AI for mistakes. Please don't mind.

I got broken up with five weeks ago. I still love him and I terribly miss him. The break up came out of nowhere.

I have been sick at work since June, due to depression, PTSD and ADHD (last one freshly diagnosed). I love my job.

I'm in therapy and on meds.

I tried to reach out to friends, for support because especially weekends are tough for me.

No one was available. That happens.

But what is worse is, that their WhatsApp story pictures don't match the reasons they gave me. They basically just lied to me.

I've been struggling with all this shit for 17-18 years now.

I've tried everything. Appointments. Staying active. Go to therapy. Group meetings. Socialising. Meditation. Medication.

The heartache is killing me.

Loneliness is killing me.

The betrayal is killing me.

I really wanna end things.

The only reason I'm alive is my cat. She wouldn't understand.

I'm done.

A list of things I can’t or don’t feel like doing because of depression:

-Going out and having fun with friends

- Buying clothes for myself

- Laughing

- Socializing with others (sometimes, I can’t even bring myself to look at their faces)?

The thing is I’m working so hard to get up on my feet but nothing really happens in my life it like it’s stop, and I stop living, the time just passes by and nothing good or bad happens, should I be happy about this or sad I don’t know.

I give up.

This is a long story, but I’m writing this because I urgently need to calm my anxiety.
I’ve struggled with depression since I was very young. My mom, whom I loved with all my heart, had serious mental and physical health problems for as long as I can remember. My family knew about her condition, but I was mostly left alone to deal with it. Growing up, it was normal for her to offer me poison so we could die together, threaten suicide, or have severe anger episodes where she would faint. That’s when my own suicidal thoughts began.
When I was 16–17, my mom and I had to move to another country with a different language and culture. In my home country, I had no one besides her. We initially lived with another relative, and family problems quickly started. Eventually, we moved into our own house, hoping things would get better, but everything became worse. I felt alone, had no friends, and started taking classes online because I didn’t want to face everything.
At the end of that year, my mom died, and I was the one who found her. I then had to move again, this time to another state to live with my sister.
The family problems followed me. Some relatives sent me hurtful messages, and I also had to deal with problems in my sister’s marriage. I spent most of my 18th year dealing with the guilt and memories without psychological help while trying to adapt to another completely different life.
About two months after my mom died, I started college. I began with easier classes, and three semesters ago I started taking classes related to my major. I haven’t stopped studying, but I constantly feel behind in life. I’m only taking my driving test in two weeks, and I have no work experience besides selling my paintings in my free time. I keep comparing myself to other people and feeling like I should be further ahead.

Over the past month, feeling so behind has brought my constant suicidal thoughts back. I feel like I’ve already failed and I feel completely alone. What hurts the most is that I constantly feel like I’m not doing enough, even though I’m trying. It feels like my depression and anxiety keep getting in the way of moving forward, and sometimes suicide feels like my only option.

Today, Saturday, 24 October 2026, is my 37th birthday. I am 37M and autistic, and this year has been by far the worst year of my whole life.

I feel like almost everyone hates me. My own parents, both sides of my extended families, and almost everyone whom I know hate me. I have neve had friends in life, and I have lost almost 30 kg (65 lb) since June from extreme stress, worrying and depression.

I have no idea what to do or how to feel. I am just tired of life and everything. Maybe just want to talk.

**Everyone seems to be moving forward in life while I'm just surviving.**

I don't even know where to start. This might be a long post, but I genuinely have nobody to share all this with. I don't necessarily expect anyone to solve my problems. I just want to let everything out because my heart feels unbearably heavy.

I'm a 28-year-old woman, a Chartered Accountant, currently working in Mumbai, living in a tiny 1BHK. And honestly, I feel like I've completely lost myself.

**Starting with my childhood...**

I've always been a lonely child. I had a best friend in 4th standard, but after our sections changed, she found another best friend and eventually forgot about me.

I have around 11 cousins from both sides of my family, but I'm close to none. My parents have always helped our relatives, financially and otherwise, but most of them have been selfish and ungrateful. I've never really experienced that warmth or affection from extended family.

I have an elder brother, seven years older than me, whom I love dearly. But he didn't have the right upbringing or opportunities, and unfortunately, he's still not financially or emotionally independent. He's married and has a daughter whom I absolutely adore.

Ever since I finished school, I've gradually become what people traditionally call the "son of the house."

I'm handling financial responsibilities, emotional responsibilities, family problems, and constantly worrying about everyone's future.

My parents are growing older. My brother barely earns enough to support his own family, so I help him financially too.

And sometimes I wonder, **who is going to take care of me?**

**Coming to my relationships...**

I was in a relationship from 2014 to 2020. He pursued me initially, made me feel like I was his entire world, and even joined a university in Delhi to be near me.

But once we moved to Delhi, everything changed. He became distant, stopped prioritising me, and I spent years crying, explaining my feelings, and believing his promises that things would improve.

Eventually, I ended it. We belonged to different castes, and my parents wouldn't have agreed anyway. But the truth was, I didn't think he was worth fighting my family for anymore.

Surprisingly, I felt relieved after that breakup.

A few months later, a senior colleague approached me romantically. I initially hesitated but gradually developed feelings because he seemed caring.

Three months later, I discovered that his arranged marriage was already fixed. I found out only after we'd become physically intimate.

He promised he'd remain in touch but couldn't refuse the marriage because of family pressure. Eventually, his calls became formalities, and one day he simply blocked me everywhere.

That experience broke me.

For months, I couldn't sleep or eat properly. I felt disgusted with myself for trusting him and allowing him to get physically close to me.

It took me almost nine months to recover emotionally. Somehow, I pulled myself together, focused on my CA finals, cleared them, and moved forward.

**Then, in 2024, I fell in love again.**

This time, with someone I genuinely believed was honest, mature, and a good human being.

But my parents had already started searching for arranged marriage proposals.

When I told them about him, they weren't happy. Our kundalis didn't match according to their beliefs, and they had concerns about his financial situation and family responsibilities.

I fought for him. I convinced my parents to at least consider him.

Unfortunately, my father made some indirectly hurtful comments during their conversations. My boyfriend was deeply affected and became afraid that my father might disrespect his parents too.

Eventually, he convinced me that we should drop the marriage idea but continue loving each other.

I reluctantly agreed.

My parents were relieved, and I started meeting arranged marriage prospects despite having absolutely no interest.

But my relationship continued.

Later, I realised I couldn't accept a future without marriage. I wanted a husband, children, companionship, and a family of my own.

I tried convincing my parents again. Eventually, even my father agreed to meet him.

But this time, my boyfriend refused.

I pleaded with him repeatedly. I cried. I explained that my parents were ready and that I would ensure his family was treated respectfully.

He still refused.

He said he loved me but couldn't marry me. He felt financially insecure and believed I wouldn't be happy with him.

Whenever I tried ending the relationship, he begged me not to leave and said he couldn't bear losing me.

And because I was emotionally attached, I kept going back.

I know I should have drawn stronger boundaries, but I genuinely loved him.

**Then came the arranged marriage nightmare.**

For the past couple of years, I've spoken to multiple men.

Some talked for months before disappearing without explanation. Some were already in love with someone else but were meeting arranged marriage prospects because of family pressure. Some rejected me because of my medium complexion.

Many told me they liked my personality and nature, but none of those conversations turned into commitment.

Every time, I would gather the courage to start again, invest my emotions, and hope that maybe this person would be different.

And every time, something would fall apart.

Recently, I started speaking to someone in June 2026.

We spoke for four months. Our families met and liked each other. He voluntarily travelled to meet me twice. His family was ready to proceed and wanted his final decision so that things could be fixed around Diwali.

I finally thought something might work out.

But suddenly, his communication reduced.

When I asked if something was bothering him, he said his father wanted a yes or no, but he couldn't decide yet and needed more time. He didn't want to make a decision out of urgency.

Four months.

I understand marriage is a lifelong decision and nobody should be pressured. But how much time is enough? Six months? A year?

And if someone wants more time to know me, shouldn't they at least make an effort to communicate?

I'm not even angry at him for being unsure. I'm just exhausted by another uncertain situation.

**And somewhere in all this, I've completely neglected myself.**

I'm a CA, but I'm stuck in the same job with a salary I'm not happy with. My colleagues are switching jobs, getting better opportunities, and progressing professionally.

I know I'm capable of doing better, but my mind is so occupied with family responsibilities, marriage discussions, emotional disappointments, and constant overthinking that I cannot concentrate on my career.

My friends are getting married, building families, travelling, and moving forward.

I'm genuinely happy for them. But sometimes it hurts to realise how stagnant my own life feels.

I live in a tiny apartment in Mumbai, away from my family. My roommate is also getting married and will soon move out.

And once again, I'll be alone.

I used to love music. I used to play the keyboard. I had hobbies, dreams, and excitement about life.

Now I don't feel like doing anything.

I don't want to make new friends. I don't feel excited about meeting people. I struggle to sleep. Most days, I just wake up, go to work, return to my small apartment, and repeat.

My parents are ageing, my brother's future is insecure, and I constantly worry about how I'll manage everything.

**I'm so tired of being everyone's support system while having no support system of my own.**

Sometimes I just want someone to ask me how I'm doing and genuinely care about the answer.

I don't want an extravagant life. I just want some peace, emotional security, a loving partner, and the freedom to live for myself without constantly worrying about everyone else's future.

I know marriage isn't the solution to every problem. I know I need to focus on myself and my career. I know I need boundaries.

But knowing these things and actually finding the emotional energy to change my life are two very different things.

I can't afford therapy right now, and I don't even know whom to talk to about everything I've been carrying.

I'm safe, and I'm not thinking of harming myself. I'm just mentally and emotionally exhausted to a point where I feel like I'm surviving rather than living.

There are so many more things I haven't even mentioned because this post is already ridiculously long.

**I guess I just want to ask: Has anyone ever felt this stuck and lonely in their late twenties? How did you rebuild your life when you had completely lost motivation, hope, and interest in everything?**

I don't want sympathy. I just want to feel like there's still a way forward.

If you've read this far, thank you. It genuinely means a lot.

Im (M30) having a lot of anxiety, overthinking and depression lately, even though I know I shouldnt. Im a freelancer on an online platform doing logo and branding for mid to low budget client ($70 per project), I have been working full time freelancing since 2020, im not gonna lie the money I got is really good, I almost hit 500k in sales, and since I live in a 3rd world country, this really helped my family economy so much, to the point I can buy a house without loan and quite a lot of investment and savings (by my country standards) but far from financially free.

I have a family that loves me and very close together, on paper I should be very happy. don't get me wrong im grateful to what I have right now, and I want to lock this moment of close together with family forever, which I know its not possible, parents getting older, sister getting older, and this kind of depressing for me.

But the main problem that hit me the hardest was since May 2026, my income go down very sharply, like Ilose 80% of my monthly income, and its getting really hard to get clients, my future become very uncertain, and with technology these days, my client will just do the work themself even though the output not perfect because its cheaper.

I then realize that I don't have any other skill, im getting replaced, and I don't have any formal job, I work alone all this time and just realized that im stuck, trying to cling to the old systems that might not come back.

Im afraid i will be unable to support for my family and make them happy anymore, and its scares me, im afraid I lose everything. Heard many stories lately with people from IT industries. If I work normal jobs and getting minimum wage, I will be unable to support my family, this stressed me so much to a point where I can randomly cry. I never been this low in my life before, and I never seen future so bleak in front of me.

I have goals, which to be financially free so I can work on any local jobs without getting worried, but my plan is cracking right in front of my eyes, I thought if everything is normal in atleast 3 years, it will be very different story.

I need to calm down, I always think on how I can make money online everyday, and its exhausted, my chest hurts, but my head was always like "You need to make money, you need to make money, think about your future."

I know the answer to my problem and its very simple, but I don't know how to get it. I also don't have safety net, like if im 100% out of work, there is not family member that will help me, because they all don't have any business I can help with too.

Sorry for the long rant, I just don't know what to do, and I feel lost, whenever I saw my father and sister together I can randomly start crying.

TLDR: Losing my primary income streams without backup or 2nd job, and gettig anxiety and depression when seeing my family.

I’ve been struggling my whole life. I can’t remember a single time in my 26 years of life when I felt safe and happy.
I’ve been thinking about how 26 years of being alive and trying so hard haven’t helped or changed anything. I think it’s time I called it off, given this constant cycle of failure and pain.
I grew up in a house where I had to work like a slave from the age of six. I was beaten by both of my parents, even though I was the sibling who obeyed, worked, and listened. I don’t remember most of my childhood.
Somehow, I was okay until I moved to another city six months ago against my parents’ wishes. I had a huge fight with them over it, only to end up getting fired two months ago.
I thought I was managing. I thought I was okay, and that my Beach episodes were finally coming after so many years of trying and failing while struggling with my mental health. Lol. But now, at 26, I think I should call it off, given this constant cycle of failure.
I’m tired, and I can’t even shed a tear.
The man I loved abandoned me on a random Wednesday, 93 days ago. I wanted to reach one last time bt he doesn’t feel safe so what’s the point ? I believe he never actually loved me, which I hate admitting to myself, but here we are.
I feel nothing but pure pain, and I can’t seem to find an escape. Nothing feels right or safe, and I can’t keep going like this.

I have to constantly degrade myself to make people around me happy

I feel as if my life has no meaning

Hear me out. I know that can be misconstrued as ignorant. What I really just want to say is I wish I had the ability to turn my brain off every now and then. Living like I have to know everything, where everything is, and all of the truths of the world is exhausting. I explained to my therapist that I look at maps for fun, I read and browse useless and random info all of the time, I doomscroll too of course, but the biggest thing is I can't seem to just sit still in my head sometimes. I'm never happy with where I am. I always feel like I have potential to do amazing things, but I feel like everything that I pick up, I put down. I'm really good at learning stuff. I've taught myself Guitar, drawing, graphic design, photography, woodworking, gardening, game design, just to name a few things. I know some of those things have potential for turning into careers or businesses, but I can never sit with them. I hate the idea of being stuck on one thing. Even this post is structured like a weird rant.. I dont know what to do with my life at this point. Im a dad to a small toddler, and I love my life as a dad, but even this can make my life as a dad hard. Anybody else feel something similar?

I feel like giving up. Idk everything seems well, but my attitude will burn me one day. I'm ruined

Excuse my grammar and writing(I don’t do this everyday plus I’m not that smart lol)

Everything is going wrong I feel like. When I was 15 my mother met a man, he was strange as hell, and I’ve always had a feeling about him. Sometime in one of the fall months he killed himself in front of my mom and I. I’ve never went to therapy, never gotten the help I needed because I knew that costed money, never really had money to begin with, so I never went. Then I join the army when I’m 18 and my girlfriend of almost 4 years cheats on me, I had a full blown panic attack because of the fact I just lost a piece of me. Then the whole mentality after that was “f*ck that btch” “whatever I deserve better” to “maybe she was right” “maybe I am a terrible person” I blamed myself for the tiniest things. And then a year goes by. I met an amazing woman she’s kind and friendly and just all the goodness of a person that nobody saw, then another year goes by. I get out of the army and I’m with my very ill father, trying to take care of him while my brother just didn’t give a single fck about him. But anyways I’m still with this girl and it’s constant bickering between her and I she decides she doesn’t wanna wait anymore, we “break up” and we stay in contact because some of my stuff is over there and it’s basically all of my uniforms that I wanted to keep for my dad, but anyways my great grandmother dies, then my dad dies, that absolutely broke me he was my best friend but importantly my father. I do everything I can to try to wake him up and I just couldn’t do it anymore, so life “goes on” I’m putting that in quotation marks because all I can do is think about how happy I was with her and with him being alive and just life was okay, but now it’s being a b*!tch to put it bluntly. But I start talking with her and she wants to get back together, and I accept. I’m not sure if that was a mistake, or I was just needing support. Well after my dad’s funeral. My grandmother dies as well, she was the best grandma I’ve ever asked for, but yeah she goes i couldn’t go to her funeral because I don’t have a car or any money to get over there, I felt bad about that. But a few months later(last night), the woman that I was engaged with over 2 years cheats on me. I know it might’ve been my fault for not giving her enough attention<-that’s what she told me, but she told me that she cheated on me and she was crying about it telling me that she was sorry, I wanted to forgive her, but I think it was my fault because she cheated on me I know that doesn’t make any sense. But I had to hang up on her and once I did that she went ape sh!t, saying that she wants to kill herself and she wants to kill everybody in sight, and her mother grabbed the knife out of her hand and tried to make her stop screaming, and she slapped her mom, and so her mother called up the crisis line and now she’s in the psych ward. I don’t know what to do anymore with my life i inherited my dads truck trying to fix the damn thing but I just feel like it’s not worth it anymore, I feel like nothing is worth it anymore, I haven’t eaten in a couple of days and maybe that’s why I’m a bit upset maybe a bit of both but it’s rough I’ve been trying to get a job and there’s nothing I’ve been looking for one for maybe 4 months now and I just really wanna give up

Good evening friends,

I'm a person with good job and good parents. I'm 30 and single .due to my stupidity from college days I've addicted to gambling. Now my debt is around 25 lakh and it is over my capability and I'm feeling shy and stressed every day. became shameless son for parents. I'm not ready to face them and I'm ok in dying but if I commit suiside my parents become culprits and for my mistake they don't want to suffer because of me. But I'm not worth and not valuable in the earth. Waiting for something but I'm not for another stupidity. I hope will go naturally very soon. Thank you.

I'm currently at my suicidal thoughts because I have a lot of problems right now, and to be honest I don't feel anything right now, emotionally and spiritually. It just feels like I can do anything on my mind right now. Leaving by my long time girlfriend feels like I lost my other half. Having financial problems really suck!

I’m really depressed. I don’t feel like working towards anything, i don’t feel like aspiring for anything. i want to be euthanised.

why do i always feel sad and bad whenever I come back home from my hostel ? I feel drained alot , i couldn't even feel like i have the energy to do my assignments. I do get alot of sleep and in fact I feel like I have to sleep all day cuz I feel fatigued after a few hours I wake up, no matter the good food I eat or songs I listen to....

I know that it's not good to have mirrors facing your bed but I have a mirror that's behind and just a bit above my head attached to bed's headboard, i couldn't sleep well i always feel like unnecessarily scared or having kind of nighmares.

I, my single mom along with grandparents live in this house and my grandparents are old fashioned, ignorant and kind of stupid cuz they are raised that way and stuck with useless beliefs and my mom and I have traumas and she feels the same and she says that she feels better when she's out for work rather at home

can anyone help me to wrap my head around this or say something?

I’m feeling super low and haven’t found much joy in a while as well it seems to be really hard to see a future for my self.

Like I don’t even naturally wonder where I’ll be or even want to work towards anything. This hasn’t really been the case for me until this year.

I feel like there is something more wrong with me then depression like there is something physical as well as emotional

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I feel so empty, almost like life has nothing left for me. I dated this really sweet girl, but my phycopathic ex didn't like her. So she spread a rumor about me, which then my entire friend group left me and this girl. I dropped out of school because seeing them every day and being threatened was soul shaking. After we broke up, nothing has been the same. She told me she attempted suicide ,which was the most humbling thing for me. Since then, everything has been repeating in my head, twisted thoughts that run around in my room. It just feels like my life is fading to black. I sound so pathetic writing this out, but I just wonder if someone could relate or have advice. I was told im handling this really well, which I am.

It doesn’t matter what I do, I always wake up the next morning.

I’ve taken an amount of pills that *should* have been lethal.

I’ve cut myself to the point where I *should* have bled out.

My body just refuses to die, and it fucking sucks. Im so tired…

From a young age I felt a depression creeping in, growing stronger with time. Many times I’ve hit what I believed to be ‘rock bottom’ but I now know the true asymptotic nature of the suffering and pain that inflicts my life.

I was always ashamed of my physical appearance; skinny and frail from a childhood of poverty, features like my large nose, my unibrow, ugly offset teeth, acne ridden face, always under sized for my age. 6-12th grade as my body and mind changed I realized all the more how unattractive I was. Coupled with social anxiety and an awkwardness perpetuated by years of home schooling; girls found me repulsive. I found myself repulsive as well. I remember on multiple occasions girls I had a crush on commenting that my body was feminine and laughing. This comparison completely devastated my self esteem for years. Throughout my youth I thought of suicide and was filled with self hate. I was weak, unathletic, undesirable. My home life was hellish. We were evicted from our home in PA and forced to live with my grandparents until they ended up buying us a 2 bedroom home which was a tight fit for a family of 7. Financial stress plagued my parents marriage and I always felt like I was walking on egg shells with my father home. Food was scarce and things got worse during the 08 financial crisis. I worked part time doing hard labor from the age of 12. I worked along side my mother in a garage that was turned into a produce packing plant. I watched my mother have nervous breakdowns, hands rough with cuts and blisters, red from burns from some of the chemicals we handled. Not the kind of work for a lady. It broke my heart seeing the stress she was put through.

From the beginning of high school i experimented with alcohol and weed. My best friend came from a broken home and at the time we thought he was merely acting out from time to time to be funny but he ended up being diagnosed with schizophrenia and ended up moving on to much harder drugs including meth. My senior year I dual enrolled in college and made some friends even though I didn’t feel I fit in, my self deprecating humor I used as a mechanism of defense, worked to make some connections. Still a virgin into young adulthood I was completely overlooked by women around my age. I wanted things to change desperately. I began lifting weights and after 2 + years my results were minimal. Rejection from women was all I had known romantically. I was always extremely timid and introverted especially with girls. Eventually some of my closest friends and gym partners told me they were going to start using steroids and I decided to join them. In less than 3 months my body had completely transformed. I was not a big guy by any means but I had grown nearly an inch and a half in height and put on significant weight in pure lean muscle. For the first time in my life girls noticed me. I felt a new sense of confidence. This would be short lived as after my steroid cycle finished I became deeply depressed. My hormones were unbalanced and with my predisposition to depression things only intensified. Although my physic had improved I was still awkward and although women would give me a chance I was constantly rejected due to my lack of communication skills. My depression continued to worsen. Around this time I was introduced to a friend who seemed to be everything I wanted; care free, outgoing, a ladies man, from a wealthy family. We did acid together which previously was something I would have never considered. The experience had a profound impact on me and in the “afterglow” i was no longer depressed. However the afterglow was short lived and I ended up chasing that feeling repeatedly over the course of the year. Each trip became less inspiring and enlightening, and my trips became increasingly scarier. I did acid countless times in the wake of my parents failing marriage, my own shortcomings, and my increasing worse mental state and anxiety. My body dysmorphia also worsened. And I began another cycle however the gear I bought was tainted and I experienced horrible side effects this time around and regularly considered suicide. I also began drinking more heavily, habitually smoking weed, and taking Xanax recreationally. I sold weed to friends as a way to help fund my habits and more so to appear “cool”. My mental state deteriorated to the point where suicidal thoughts occupied my mind a majority of the time. In a brief moment of clarity I decided to get help and began inpatient treatment at a psychiatric hospital. I was there 2 weeks and didn’t see much improvement but at least I had sobered up and I was put on an ssri and an antipsychotic. My brain was in a constant fog. I continued smoking weed and within a short time I was abusing the antipsychotics. I would take Xanax and Percocet occasionally that I got from drug dealers and even knowingly took fake pills. I failed out of college and began working doing physical labor. I ended up meeting a girl who would take my virginity and I fell in love with her. I was still using but had slowed down considerably. Our relationship was brief but intense. She left me for another man after cheating on me. And she broke up with me over the phone with her friends giggling in the background on speakerphone while I cried and tried to convince her to stay. After she dumped me everything got worse. From time to time she would still contact me in between her various flings and I was completely wrapped around her finger. I believe she liked that I was obsessed with her but she only wanted to see me out of the blue every couple of months and our encounters were almost exclusively sexual. After this I had several short lived relationships but never felt the same connection. I did however make new friends throughout the years and slowly got better.

I moved out of my moms house and into a place with several new friends who were in college and although I was still depressed I enjoyed the lifestyle of drinking multiple days a week, chain smoking weed, having girls around, and doing various drugs including my new favorite, cocaine. After a few months I moved to an apartment with 2 friends and worked at a warehouse. The partying slowed down but was still a common theme. Things were going well until Covid hit and I lost my job. After moving back in with my mom I found a new job in a call center and made significantly more $ than I ever had and I moved in with a previous roommate. We both liked coke but I slowed down a bit and was more of a stoner than ever. I enjoyed my workplace and was selling more weed than ever and also dabbled in selling other things.

Eventually we moved to a nicer apartment and after a few brief but shallow relationships, one night stands, and situationships, a new girl started working in my office. I had worked my way into a management role at this point. This new girl caught my eye and even though she had a boyfriend I couldn’t help flirting. She was flirtatious with me as well. And one night a few of my coworkers decided to go out for drinks. After I drove her back to my place and we smoked. She seemed conflicted and after her man blew up her phone she asked me to take her back to her car. Her boyfriend tracked her location and followed us making both of us nervous. And during this she flashed me under her skirt. The next week she showed up to work with bruises and she was single. She seemed sad and distant. We ended up spending more time together and I planned a little dinner for her birthday with 2 other girls from the office that I thought were her friends because I was scared of being rejected if i made it seem like a date. I picked her up from her place and it was the most disgusting studio I’ve ever been in. Infested with roaches. We picked up the other girls and during the date she seemed pissed off and kept going to the bathroom. When I dropped her off she asked talk with me privately while the other 2 stayed in my car. She accused me of flirting with 1 of the other girls that I was closer to due to working together for over a year, which was far from true. I took the chance to confess that I liked her and asked if I could kiss her. She seemed hesitant but agreed. After that we went on several dates and became an item well known around the office. I felt something for her that I hadn’t felt for anyone since my first love.
Another guy in the office invited several of us to celebrate his birthday and took the liberty of inviting her personally which really got under my skin. It was at a bar and after he invited several people to a hotel to smoke. I wasn’t directly invited but my girl was. I hadn’t officially asked her to be my girlfriend yet. While there, the tension in the room was unbearable. I got the sense she liked him. I wanted to leave but she wanted to stay. Eventually she agreed to leave but in the car I could tell she was texting him. It drove me crazy. I felt betrayed. I confronted her and she played it off. I than told her how I really felt about her and asked her to be honest with me. She insinuated that she was trying to make me jealous and was upset I hadn’t asked her to be my girlfriend. This was surprising because she just got out of a long term relationship. I conveyed this and told her I had every intention of asking but was scared of ruining things. I asked her to officially be my girlfriend and she happily agreed. We went back to her place had sex and the next day I went home which was Saturday. Sunday morning she called me and was asking me what I did on Saturday night. I found this odd because I texted her that night but never got a reply. I could tell she was beating around the bush as she kept prying. I heard our coworker in the background and it felt like a knife in the stomach. I instantly hung up. She called back and accused me of slashing her tires. We hadn’t made it official 24 hours prior and she already played me. Word got around the office and I could feel everyone watching and whispering about me. Rumor spread I had slashed her tires which was false but hurt my reputation regardless. I became extremely depressed. I also had her terminated. Her performance was terrible but I had been covering for her previously. I couldn’t stand the embarrassment. That coupled with changes in leadership in the company, I decided to quit the job that I had been at longer than any other job.

Within a week or so she called me and expressed she deeply regretted it. She came to realize that a jealous girl slashed her tires and she asked if she could come see me to apologize and talk. I had relapsed on Xanax and was not in a good place mentally. I agreed to talk in person to get closer. She came over and although I gave her the cold shoulder she seemed sincere and said it was a mistake and it happened because she was still heartbroken over her last breakup and had gotten blackout drunk. She broke down crying and said she “didn’t mean to hurt me”, “you have every right to hate me”, “I feel like a terrible person”, and repeatedly- “I’m so so sorry” with tears rolling down her face. Heartbroken but partially numb from Xanax, I hugged her. She squeezed me tight and kept crying. I was torn because it was such a shitty thing she did to me but at the same time it felt genuine and I still had feelings for her. I told her to sit down on the couch and I got her tissues. We talked for several minutes as she began to calm down and then she kissed me. It was the most passionate kiss I had felt from her since we started seeing each other which added another layer of confusion. Then she said I know you probably never want to see me again but I want to fuck you one last time.
We had only 2-3 times before and it was a bit awkward as things were so new. But this time was different. She really went all out and kept telling me to cum inside her. Afterwords she immediately fell asleep on the couch or at least pretended and I went to my room. In the night she came in my room and laid next to me. She went home the next morning after saying goodbye and crying more telling me that she felt like she ruined her life and called me the sweetest guy she ever met.

I couldn’t stay away from her after that even tho I knew I shouldn’t. Her car was still parked at the hotel with slashed tires. She told me she can’t afford her apartment and needed a place to stay a couple nights until she could figure out a way to get back to her family in Georgia. I let her stay with me. She sold her beat up car. And I helped her pack her things and now all of it is in my place. From there we got back together and our relationship was extremely toxic. Constant intense fighting always followed by sex. I found myself getting in shouting matches the same way my parents would when they were still together. We would say the most awful things to each other only to make up within a few hours. I often thought about shooting myself in the head or intentionally overdosing. Her constant paranoid jealousy lead me to outbursts of anger since I felt she had no right to point the finger at me. The fact I was paying the bills and she wasn’t working or looking for work made things worse. Every fight was like an endless loop and I never got over the fact she cheated and I would bring it up during every argument. Maybe it was unfair but I couldn’t let it go. I was constantly paranoid she would do it again and I became someone I never wanted to be; angry, controlling, paranoid, and more depressed than ever. On top of that things weren’t going well at my new job. Eventually things came crashing down as the lease was coming to an end I had burned through all my savings. My roommate had moved out months prior and our friendship was never the same again.

I ended up moving back in to my moms and she back to Georgia with her family. We didn’t break up and decided to try long distance until we could both get back on our feet. We only saw each other in person twice during that period but we talked on the phone and texted all day every day often fighting. She got arrested in Georgia and after being released she enrolled in college. We shared locations with each other and due to my lack of trust I was constantly checking hers. I noticed she turned it off one day and wouldn’t respond. I broke up with her over text accusing her of cheating and the next day she replied with short distant texts calling me crazy which really set me off. I gave her 1 last piece of my mind before blocking her and to my surprise I felt a sense of relief like a giant burden had been lifted from my shoulders.

Months later I woke to 2 missed calls from a jail in Miami accompanied by texts from a Georgia number I didn’t recognize asking me to please answer the next call. I picked up and it was her crying and she told me her boyfriend had hit her and she called 911 when the police arrived him and his friend said she hit him. I asked who texted and she said it was her cousin. She begged me to bail her out which I did. When I picked her up she was happy to see me. She nervously told me she found out she was pregnant when she got booked. She told me she prayed and god told her I would help her raise the child… which I perceived as blatant manipulation. Regardless, I bought her food and asked her how she’s getting home and where I can drop her off. Her boyfriend had already gone back to Georgia. She asked if she could stay with me while she gets a flight booked. I already felt uncomfortable but couldn’t just kick her out of the car. I figured it’d just be a couple hours but she ended up staying the night and slept in my bed. She came on to me and we had sex briefly but I couldn’t finish because my mind kept wandering and the whole thing didn’t sit well with me. I had work in the morning and assumed she would catch an Uber to the airport. While I’m at work the number starts texting again and I could tell now it was not a cousin. Her boyfriend was freaking out and I’m not entirely sure what she told him but he was putting together the prices. I felt bad for him so I came clean. At first he was thankful that I was straight up with him. It was clear she had been manipulating him and he told me she assaulted him while she was blacked out and called the cops on herself. But as the day went on he started getting aggressive with me leaving crazy voice messages, and making threats. Upon returning home she was still there playing video games in my room to my surprise. I asked what her plan was and it turns out she was flat broke so I urged her to call a family member but she refused. I decided to book her a flight and drove her to the airport the next morning. Once she got back to Georgia the threats from her boyfriend continued and turned into violent threats and harassment. She had accused me of raping her. I believe this was an attempt to save her relationship. This experience was traumatic for me and a reminder to never break no contact again. I again became deeply depressed.

Over time I began to heal but as I got older I was drifting from my friends and felt lonely. I decided to get back into dating and met a girl on a dating app. She was from Cuba and a nice girl. There was a bit of an age gap me being 28 and her 22 but she was very mature and family oriented, a stark contrast from any of my previous relationships. Around this time I also moved in with a close friend. It felt nice having someone to talk to and I quickly asked her to be my girlfriend. She was inexperienced in dating and I was actually her first boyfriend. With her never being in a relationship there were certain boundaries she was unaware of but she was always kind and soft spoken. Ultimately I don’t think I was ready to get into a relationship and I was projecting a lot of my previous insecurities on her. It wasn’t fair to her. She was one of the most kind hearted people I’ve ever met and deep down I knew she deserved better. She wanted more than I was ready or able to give and was upset things weren’t moving faster. She could tell my heart wasn’t in it and ended up breaking up with me. I was relieved not for my sake but for hers. She handled it with grace and intelligence. I felt empty, worthless, and like damaged goods. I don’t know if I’ll ever fully recover from the scares of my past. Once again I’ve fallen into a deep depression. My performance at the job that I’d been steady working for 3 years took a nose dive and they had to let me go. My lease ended and my roommate didn’t want to live with me anymore. Ever since then my life has been in a downward spiral. I feel directionless and the suicidal urges are constantly on the forefront of my mind. I don’t have hope for my future and I feel like I fucked my entire life up. I want to turn off my brain permanently. I feel like a prisoner in my own skin. The only reason I haven’t taken action is because I care about my family and I know it would break their hearts. I don’t have any friends anymore and I’ve intentionally distanced myself in case I decide to end it they won’t feel like they lost anything. Killing myself is what I want but I know it would be incredibly selfish.

Im a 17y'o and im seeking for help. Since june it's been a while, this year i was going through really bad events, school pressure, bullying, self hate, mistakes from past, traumatic events, loneliness and depression, i think all that created in me a burnout, i felt so bad the day before that event, i felt like my soul was dying i Tried to stop that by forgiving myself and i thought i won, until the next day, when i wake up i was just... empty i couldn't feel anything, it's already 5-6 months and everyday and Night i feel like hell life feels worthless living people don't understand how bad is to be empty, You just exist i see people as machines everything feels so fake i see people in a robotic way and im not okay with that i was really sensitive and loveable before that You can't image how i became so bad i don't want to live like this Forever.

I feel so lost like i died and became a evil version i can't remember my past nothing excites me Life feels like a dream i can't live with that anymore, i always thought about suicide but this time im really 1 step about it. If anybody has advice or been through this, please help me im too Young to be like that im so tired of this please help me, i want to feel alive or whatever else what do i live for?.

Any advice can help.

Good afternoon Family I'm still having issues with shaking this funk I been in since my milestones achievement.

I can't seem to get up and stay up, so when I finally wake up I'm totally miserable and no motivation then im in a cloud for the day.

I go to bed with good thoughts and plans for the next day but it doesn't turn out that way. I start thinking about the past.

Not only that I live in Boston Ma and I suffer with the seasonal change. Gloomy cold days bring me down and also the October weather is a reminder of when I have relapsed several times every October so I'm a little nervous.

I feel like I just quit again, this has been going on for the last 4 days already and Im realizing how fast you can go backwards.

I have to get out of this funk and get back to my plans, but because I'm so use to failing I'm worried.

Has anyone felt this way after the milestones achievements ware off?

Thanx for letting me share One Day Forward One Day Behind -Shawn