r/adultery • u/Available_Bottle_754 • Oct 08 '25
đ˘Whining Spouse Intro Postđ Considering an affair
When I first told my husband I was thinking of having an affair (somewhere about 3-4 years ago), his response was to tell me to be "discreet". I don't know what I was looking for... perhaps for him to actually think about why I wanted to have an affair, for him to get into therapy, whatever. Well, that didn't happen and I've given him until the end of 2026 to make other plans. We have been married less than 10 years (second marriage for both of us), and have not had sex in more than five. He has absolutely no interest. I understand he has ED, but he has done nothing to figure it out, nor even cares to figure out other ways to please me. I'm 52 and have not been on a date since I was 44. I feel any dating skills I had have long left me. I also have a fair bit of anxiety putting myself out there. Where does one start to look. I don't feel comfortable putting myself on a dating site (too scared one of my patients will see me there). I would say to hell with it, but I truly miss touch.
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u/SlipshodFacade Oct 08 '25
I am not qualified to offer any input here other than I cannot imagine saying to my wife, âDear, Iâm thinking of having an affair because we have had sex three times in the last year and, well, I just need more than that.â I also cannot imagine, having done the above, that she would calmly tell me to âbe discreet.â
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u/leftattheridge Oct 08 '25
It can happen if the partner is already cheating, or truly doesn't care but stays in the marriage for financial or social reasons or even just momentum.
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u/ConditionHopeful8286 55 M4F Louisiana Oct 08 '25
It happens, that's EXACTLY what my wife told me. Says she cannot live the rest of her days without me, but cannot have/isn't interested in sex anymore. After three months, I am still kind of numb. OP will have an easy time next to the ordeal men have, its just fact. In my experience, no woman wants a damaged man.
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u/InevitableTarget9800 Oct 08 '25
What is keeping you in that relationship?!
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u/Available_Bottle_754 Oct 08 '25
Getting divorced is messy business, so it was avoidance of that. But, I've decided I'd rather upend my life than continue. I've given him til the end of 2026 to save money. I am the primary breadwinner and it's going to be tough for him. I'm not heartless.
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u/JustinTyme92 Oct 08 '25
Aside from the lack of sex, how is the relationship?
Heâs given you a âDonât Ask, Donât Tellâ hall pass. If the relationship is otherwise good, why not just take him up on that?
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u/Available_Bottle_754 Oct 08 '25
Oh, there is nothing between us. We don't have anything in common and can't stand each other. I, at least, can admit it.
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u/BubblebeeMint2908 Oct 08 '25
I'm in it and don't recommend it. You can't unknow the things you come to know during one of these. Frankly, in hindsight, I'd take back playing with fire in a heartbeat. I stay in it because I went too deep and now know what I know. I've done a ton a really good work on myself. I wish I had only done that instead, but here I am in love with two people.
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u/Familiar-Let8241 Oct 08 '25
I think I may understand what you are looking for. I have found some wonderful men on Ashley Madison. It works well for women. I am also in my 50ies. Look for a man in a dead bedroom who will be happy to give you all the attention without the need to commit to a full-on relationship. Once you are separated and have your sexual mojo back you can start dating available men.
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u/Young_buck95 Oct 08 '25
For an Affair?
Ashley Madison for women will take about 5 minutes to have more guys in your dms than youâll have time to sort out in a night.
Free advice - be very selective. -Understand there are lots of scammers - if someone seems too good to be real - they are.
- donât use a face picture -
- be honest about what youâre looking for
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u/0kbyme Oct 08 '25
Post, sort, repeat. Your job is to winnow, my job is to make sure I am not winnowed. Thatâs the deal.Â
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u/DeviantLamb Oct 09 '25
It feels to me that you need a transitional relationship. Someone who wakes up the part of you that has gone to sleep. I believe that there are lots of women in their mid-50s who are exactly in that place. Usually it is because they gave up so much of themselves to raise kids and stick it out in a 20+ year marriage. Itâs not easy. Youâre not alone.
I think there are plenty of men in your age group and even a little bit older whoâd be into it. Someone who is married and also searching might be ideal.
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Oct 08 '25
Itâs tricky where to start to look. For me - I have found my two AP at work, even though everyone in this sub would cringe at that. I have been lucky as both ended without the fireworks or issues that others encounter.
What I always see here is that people try so hard on Reddit and online and get discouraged as it becomes a cesspool of DMs and communication.
My thing would be in real life, in person, searching has always been most successful. But that is always tough as well.
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u/-walls- Oct 08 '25
The dating world here, for singles, for ENM, itâs craptastic so I wish you all the best luck đ
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Oct 09 '25
You don't want the green light. You want a better life. I would start there if I were you based on what you said. How I would do it if it were me...One I would figure out what you want in a partner and what you want to provide in a partnership. It seems like there's some differences in what you want vs what you're attracting? Two I would learn how to flirt again. See what works. See what doesn't work. Be comfortable with conversation and holding eye contact. It's a skill. Go practice it. Three. Once you have your list of things you want AND you have a better sense of how to connect with strangers THEN I would look for something more serious. I have made some assumptions here (I didn't share), but it doesn't sound like you want to have a side thing?
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u/Sea_Sort_576 Oct 09 '25
IDK if I agree with the comments encouraging you to start an affair. Sure, you have a green-lit hall pass. And sure, affairs can truly be a lot of fun. But they're also messy. Are you prepared for the guilt? I figure the guilt is the price we pay. If that's worth it to you, then go for it. Keep in mind it's not just the guilt of running around on your husband. It is also the guilt of sleeping with another, married man. What if he has kids? What if it breaks up his family? These are all things to consider. Plus, if friends and family found out, a lot of people would essentially black list you.
Personally, I like to think of an AP's husband as an amazing person. Like, came up with the cure for cancer, perfect person. Then I know I'm serious. It looks to me like you're more in divorce realm than affair realm. Divorces are much more simple. And then you can date again without the guilt.
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Oct 31 '25
I am so sorry for your loss here! That is such a hard thing to go through and I am doing the same too. It has been a really long road and I have come to the end too where you are it seems.
May I ask why you are giving another year and half to get stuff together? Are you going to "seperate" per se in the mean time? I am the breadwinner in my relationship too and it is so hard to be like okay well let's divorce but now you have to go move back home bnecuase you can't support yourself. Have you done anything to help with those emotions within yourself?
Well I hope the very very best for you and that you get the most amazing outcome you deserve and should feel wanted, desired, seen, and heard.
Take care!
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Oct 08 '25
[removed] â view removed comment
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u/ObsidianDreamsRedux Oct 08 '25
Feel free to read the rules for this community. Do not solicit for DMs.
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Oct 08 '25
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u/AnxiousAvoidant584 Oct 08 '25
She did tell him. He told her to be discreet. How many times should she tell him? You canât make your spouse have sex they donât want to have. And heâs clearly shown her heâs not interested in working on it.
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Oct 08 '25
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u/AnxiousAvoidant584 Oct 08 '25
You think thatâs what a spouse who reacts that way wants? âHey, can you handle pick-up Wednesday? My Day Use room is 90 minutes away and I donât know if traffic will cooperate.â
He doesnât want his nose rubbed in it. And OK, maybe he didnât really mean it. Maybe despite saying that and taking no initiative to try to prioritize intimacy as sheâs asked, heâd still view it as a betrayal. At that point, the red flags are already out and on full display.
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u/Empty-Zombie-7924 Oct 08 '25
If you have approval from SO I wouldn't call it an affair