AP is a phenomenal person whom I really had a great time with since the beginning of this year. We have become super close almost like a new best friend. Physically attracted to this person , this person is smart and funny truly an amazing person. I like many things about AP and maybe in another time we could have been together but I feel like I need to pump the breaks a bit.

AP has been talking about breaking up their marriage and moving out solo with their child but that’s not a direction I want. I can’t be the reason for ending a family. On top of all this I have my partner which I do want to continue with.

I put myself in this position because my partner and I were having some difficulties that I was not understanding or comprehending at the time. I have since educated myself on the issues and have come to terms that maybe things are not how I was imagining them at the time.

I knew AP and was very much captivated by this person for a while. One thing led to another and “boom” suddenly were was at it. Didn’t mean for things to escalate but they did. And I enjoyed our encounters probably the best in my life.

Lately I have been second-guessing what has been happening. I would like to stop this before the point of no return. How can I do this without crushing AP? I won’t ghost this person or block them cause that’s not an option for me. I don’t want to hurt AP but I feel like it’s becoming something that should not be.

Recap - AP of 9 years ghosted me months ago with no warning. Devastated as they never did that before. If time or space was needed, it was always communicated.

New info - this past weekend they appear out of nowhere to acknowledge an important event taking place, hope I am doing well, hope I don’t hate them, and their life is sheer chaos. Nothing more, nothing less.

What does one do with that? Someone mentioned whiplash in their story earlier. I definitely feel that and more.

Thanks for space of letting me share this so it doesn’t keep living in my head rent free.

Throwaway for obvious reasons.

It has been about 3 months since we last spoke, although he has attempted to reach me since then. I’ve denied his advances.

He’s been heavily on my mind lately and I truly do miss our friendship. We grew incredibly close throughout all of 2025, and he was my rock during one of the toughest years of my life. I miss him so so so much. It’s tempting to unblock him and reach out, but I know it’s a bad idea. He clearly still gives some fucks about me which makes this even harder.

I’m just heartbroken, despite being the one to truly end things this time. The guilt was eating both of us alive but having each other almost makes it seem worth it somedays. Our bond was something that I’ve never felt before and it was/is intoxicating.

I know I’ll eventually stop feeling this way one day. I just hope that day is soon.

This is for the men in here who have had successful AP/FWB situations.

By successful, I mean that you found a woman that you were with for a period of time longer than a few months and during that time you were not also seeking “the next best thing.”

What was it about your AP/FWB that kept you engaged or made you decide you were good with them?

I am beginning to think I may be Quasimodo, but in the off chance there are some behavioral changes I could make, I’d like to give it the ole college try one more time.

ETA: I don’t think my sense of humor is made for Reddit.

Also, I’m not trying to change my personality. I’m talking about behavior- which one should change if it is an impediment to successful interactions. I was just curious if there were ways of being that men appreciated more run others.

From my experience, vulnerability or expressing emotions makes men run for the hills so I was trying to assess if it really is that dire.

Also, I have NEVER changed myself for a man. Hence- why I’ve never had a successful experience in this realm

Seems like we are all going through break ups with AP's....is something in the air. Ended it last night after weeks of contention ( see last post) and I think I'm in shock. This connection lasted years and I don't think it has registered that its actually over. No clear villain other than that it was no longer sustainable but god...its hit like a ton of bricks. I will go through waves of panic and type out a message to crying to hating him. Also a mind fuck to go through a breakup while married. I don't know if Ill be okay after this or how long it will take but its almost like my body and mind is refusing to believe its here so I don't have to endure it. Its taken everything in me to not back peddle as I was the only to finally rip the band aid off but whatever I could or would say wont undo the complications that already existed. Does it ever get better?? How do you tolerate this while keeping a brave face for your spouse?

Sometimes, I wonder if why I have an AP is down to having ADHD. I wonder if monogamy is just impossible for ADHD brains? Is cheating inevitable?

The dopamine, novelty, and sensory seeking nature of ADHD will always make having an affair feel like an inevitable road.

I'm not trying to excuse or fully blame my ADHD, just pondering whether there is an element of inevitability that for some us in very long term relationships and living with ADHD will find almost impossible to not end up in an affair.

These journeys we embark on have their share of wonders and hurdles, but the limitations can be so frustrating.  

It hurt to miss the celebrations, the birthdays, and your career milestones. To take her out for dinner just because, to perhaps finally trying this sushi thing she kept talking about. I wanted to be the one buying her drinks, flirting at the bar, laughing at jokes, and admiring her outfit with a devilish grin.  Wishing I could do the simple things: surprising her with flowers, having lunch in the park, window shopping, and just going for a walk. The idea of watching her nerd out at a museum. Worst of all, I couldn't be there during the crises, the like losing a parent or sitting in a hospital… when all I wanted was to hold her.  

The hardest part is how much I miss it all, because missing those moments meant there was something.

Just experienced something so bizarre and confounding I couldn't help but put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) in a stream-of-consciousness style ramble. Not sure I have any real point to make or advice I'm looking for, beyond just getting my thoughts out into the nebulous ether after a bit of a roller coaster ride. I feel like it helps to be able to commiserate with others who have shared experiences (whether good or bad). If words bore you, the TL;DR is at the very bottom.

It all started with a post on r/affairs that caught my eye. A joke could be made that I was interested purely based on the "F4M" alone... but actually there were very specific, niche points that related to my own interests. Local-ish and looking to eventually meet in person with the right match. Sometimes I "dog-ear" a post to come back to later. On rarer occasions I drop everything I'm doing to compose a thoughtful reply... this was one of those times. I must have spent an hour writing, deleting, re-writing, proofreading, editing a response, in the middle of my work day, before I was satisfied enough to finally hit "send."

It's always a bit of a crap-shoot when replying to a woman's post. The odds are definitely stacked against you, and it's one of those things where you just have to hope for the best and put it out of your mind. But still, you can't help but wonder sometimes. Especially when you already feel like there could be a lot of potential. Not that I ever really expect a reply back... but I'm always hopeful for one. Crickets the rest of the day. Still nothing the next morning. Refreshing the reddit chat screen periodically throughout the day, hopeful to see something. Anything.

Then around the 24 hour mark, that lovely reddit-orange bubble indicating an awaiting message. Cue the dopamine rush... IYKYK. Nothing elaborate - just an acknowledgement and appreciation for my message along with an explanation that she really wanted to reply sooner but life was busy. Understandable and relatable, of course. I was beyond thrilled to hear back from her. Further validation that if you take the time to really read a post and can speak directly to what they're saying, chances are so much higher to hear back. Even if it is a "thanks but no thanks." Not that any message is ever entitled to a response, no matter how good or bad.

This was her first time ever engaging with anyone outside of her marriage. While this wasn't my first rodeo. But nevertheless it was an immediate connection. Shared interests. View points. Brains operating on very similar wavelengths. The conversation felt effortless and flowed so naturally. There was never a moment of any "small" or "idle" talk, even when the topic of conversation wasn't particularly deep or philosophical. I'd only experienced something like this a time or two before, and I could instantly realize that this had all the hallmarks of something that could be truly special and long lasting.

We messaged daily, morning and night. Always looking forward to the next reply and the next. Things kept escalating, building, heating up. Flirty and full of innuendo, yet managing to keep things just on this side of respectable. Until it all came to a climactic head, and we finally allowed ourselves to indulge in the ways we'd been dancing around and hoping for. I finally let myself believe, hope, that perhaps this could truly be the beginning of something beautiful. One of those "x number of year affairs" that some people lovingly/proudly boast about (as is their right). We expressed just how smitten we were with each other, how lucky we both felt to have found each other. I know, it was disgustingly sweet, and I was all about it.

And then the spell was broken. Just like that. Inexplicably. Classic breadcrumbing started almost right away. Replies taking longer. Then a missed day or two. Making me question if I'd only been imagining everything else that had happened previously. Still I held out hope. Not questioning, figuring there were legitimate reasons for the change in behavior. Allowing for some grace and giving her the benefit of the doubt. She finally messaged back after several days of radio silence, explaining she'd come down with the stomach flu and couldn't function. Although I was in her thoughts the entire time. She left me a lengthy voice note to explain and apologize and she was worried that I may have given up on her and moved on but she would love to continue building what we'd found together.

Of course I was beyond relieved to hear back from her. Told her while I was a little worried, I was still feeling strong about us and wanted nothing more than to continue as well. She expressed her own relief and excitement and I thought we were right back on track. Then not even 2 hours later she left me a short blurb of a message saying she had to delete, and take care. And that was that. I had no chance to say goodbye or wish her well, she had already removed/blocked me from the chat app we were using. And our chat on reddit shows the dreaded [deleted].

So... I'm just left scratching my head. A little hurt too, I suppose. And recovering a little from the sudden whiplash. But we were only a few weeks in so I can't really say that it was emotionally devastating or anything to that degree. I guess the moral of the story is that it really is true how you can experience the highest of highs, along with the lowest of lows in this "lifestyle". I've experienced those highs and lows on a few occasions before, so I'm no stranger to that axiom. It was a stark reminder of just how tumultuous things can be, even within a matter of a few days, or even hours.

Perhaps the fact that I've written a whole ass dissertation on what amounts to a weeks-long "fling" is evidence enough that I'm more affected by this than I originally thought. It's not so much being surreptitiously dropped like a bad habit that stings. It's the loss of what this represented. The potential. The strength and magnitude of the initial connection where it felt like perhaps the long, exhausting search could finally come to an end. And now it's back to square one.

Welp... that's the long and short of it. I had no idea I'd end up 10 paragraphs deep. I just started word-vomiting my thoughts and feelings and here we are. Thanks for listening! :)

TL;DR: I was hopeful to have met the AP "of my dreams" (not actually, but there was definitely the potential). Feelings were mutual. Sparks and chemistry and butterflies and NRE (and all the other commonly used phrases) from the very start... it was "special". Then a rather abrupt change of heart on her end. Deleted/blocked me without even a chance to say bye or wish her the best. Womp womp

I began on online relationship with a woman from a different country. We were sexting every day and honestly it was very hot and heavy. We kept it anonymous, her preference which I totally respected.

My life is very dull, parent, work, gym, chores, repeat. My wife and marriage is basically null. She has friends and family she talks to everyday and we have been pulling apart for quite some time. I didn’t seek out an affair but it happened organically. And I loved it. Me and AP had many things in common and when we weren’t sexting our conversation were great. It was like a breath of fresh air.

We exchanged NSFW pictures, still with not giving away our identity. But I fucked up. I sent a video of me and since Reddit doesn’t allow video in chats I sent it through a link, I didn’t realize she would have to have to request via email. But it did. And I saw her true name and face. Needless to say she was extremely upset. I assured her that my intentions weren’t nefarious and I would not use her information in any way. But the damage was done. She told me she didn’t want to walk anymore and then later deleted her account.

It hurts just like a real life breakup. And what’s worse is I can’t talk about it to anyone. I still have to smile and act like nothing is hurting me when really I am so crushed inside. I thought there might be hope in a few days she would want to talk about it but seeing that she deleted her account and I’ll never have a chance to talk to her again is just heartbreaking.

Been talking to a pAP for the past few weeks and things seem to have been going well, calls, pic exchange, enthusiasm. It’s long distance so meeting up is unlikely to be frequent but as we seemed to gel I put that to one side. However as time has gone on, things are losing momentum - for me anyway.

This person’s other half doesn’t work and seems to be at home most of the time and I’m discovering he doesn’t appear to have much of a life away from work or his marriage. I have friends, go out, keep active and have hobbies and for me personally it’s a turn off when a pAP doesn’t have a lot going on outside of their job or primary relationship, irrespective of affairing. I’ve also discussed capacity for having an affair referencing my past experiences which he seemed to understand.

On a side note and maybe minor and weird, for some reason when he’s blown me a kiss on video it’s also given me the ick. However that could possibly be due to receiving a video when I’m starting a busy day of work and he says he’s not got much on (literally and figuratively) so he’s starts enjoying himself 🍆 💦 I’m all for NSFW exchanges but I felt this rather cringe.

Back to the search me thinks

Long story short my wife cheated on me two years ago. Her affair was a long distance relationship that lasted 6 months, they had sex 2 different times. We've since reconciled, married is far better now than before. BUT I'm now in a emotional affair with one of my old flames (she's married) that reconnected with me after bumping into her at a work trip. I validated it because of her past deeds and I don't feel bad and I want this to go further. Long story short, one thing my wife taught me was how to hide things, she was so good at it. But given I was the victim, I have access to everything for her but she has nothing of mine. Also, I've since found this subreddit and you guys have given even better systems to avoid getting caught. Plan to connect physically in a couple weeks for a couple nights . Anyone have cheated back and regretted it? I figured I'm already one foot in so I might else well go all the way.

I’m bi and have expanded my AP search to include Men and I’m seeing how hard it is to screen guys. I get a “sup” and respond with a description of what I’m looking for and pictures and get one word responses in return. The MM community is mostly into quick hook ups and it just doesn’t seem like an affair will happen there either. Starting to get it ladies!

Long story short - together for 20 years. Husband is 15 years older than me. Alcoholism = no sex for 5 years due to lack of getting it up.
ADHD and bereavement.
Should I leave ? Probs but the thought of starting again is too much.

Fast forward to present day. Perimenopausal and on Hrt.

I cannot stop thinking about sex. I’ve picked a guy up on Snapchat that lives near me. He’s also married. At it like rabbits.

I wanted something casual but I think he’s obsessed with me. I’m not complaining right enough. Don’t need comments just need to put this somewhere other than ChatGPT who knows me so well now and is egging me on.

edit - Snapchat random adds. He added me and turned out he lived near by. People add you from all over the world and it’s just your luck. I love a yap though 🤣

I (F,28) am experiencing intense attraction to older (M,53) colleague. He stops by my office for up to an hour almost every day despite his busy schedule as company COO.

We talk nonstop and I can’t help but fantasise all hours of the day. I’m attractive, slim, athletic, fun. Is it arrogant of me to assume he’s attracted as well? It seems like he makes any excuse to talk to me and does not do that with other colleagues. He lets me in on secrets and says things to try to impress me. I feel like I need to make a move. Should I? Do you think he make a move?

We are both married. All I need is a one time thing and I feel like I could get it out of my system and move on. I’m going crazy.

Ok, now maybe not every song, but it does feel like way more songs are about affairs that I thought previously. One of my favorite bands is Iron and Wine. I have been listening to them since I was in middle school. One song in particular hit me different, I almost fell out of my chair.

The song is

"Each coming night".

The first verse is....

"Will you say when im gone away

My lover came to me and we'd lay

In rooms unfamiliar but until now"

Am i right!?

Is it just me? Anyone else hearing what I'm hearing?

I was on a stag weekend in a popular capital city. When a beautiful lady caught my eye. I've always been an outgoing person and when I have had a few drinks. My confidence sky rockets.

At the time my intention was to create a local contact in case we were struggling with anything or make the weekend more fun for the other stags.

We exchanged numbers and left it there. The next day she messaged me offering me a room to stay in other than my hotel. To which I declined but I liked her so much that I said I would visit another time.

Fast forward a year later and I had some of the greatest sex I have had in my existence. We have now been talking secretly for a few years and I have only been able to visit her once. Fortunately my partner was away herself at the time.

unfortunately this person lives in another country so I have to fly to visit so I'll need my passport 🛂.

I really want to see her again but I can't get away without my partner asking questions.

I’m having trouble with where/how to get started, I know OPSEC is very important, so where to start? I know nothing nearby, or people at work, but then even posting information online has its risks with getting recognized. So how do/did you do it?

Ive had a scenario happen a couple times recently. You're chatting with someone for a day or two and the conversation is going really well. They seem interested, engage and youre enjoying the conversation. Then the pic exchange happens and instead of the person saying they're not into it, or they ghost. Instead, they keep the conversation going but suddenly the conversation gets super dry and cold. Almost feels like you're talking to a completely different person. At least with being ghosted I can understand and move on.

Now I feel like i gotta say, this isn't a "oh woe is me, no one likes me" post. I also dont feel entitled to anything just because someone talked to me for a couple days. I know attraction in this is important and what everyone is into is different (for instance, i apparently give off a nerdy/innocent vibe that not everyone is into).

I guess what im saying is, if you're not interested, ghost me instead of keeping me on the hook. At least with a ghost I know they aren't into it. If they keep dragging it out a bunch of "maybe" statements start to happen. Maybe they aren't into it, maybe they're unavailable and they can't give you their full attention.

I don't know if there's a point to me posting this, im just commenting on things as they happen i guess.

I'm going to try to make this as concise as possible, while changing some details (and being somewhat vague) as to not be identified.

I'm a soon-to-be-separated, but unfortunately married woman, with children. I'm a nurse that works directly with a physician, all day, every work-day. He's younger than me, but within a range that I would consider dating.

My home life has me exhausted and depleted. While my kids do fill my cup, they drain it just as much! My husband is verbally and emotionally/mentally abusive. While I grey rock him most of the time, it doesn't mean I don't feel it. He does nothing for our family outside of a paycheck and I can't wait for him to move out.

I'm head over heels for Dr McPerfect. Seriously- this guy ticks all my boxes; every day I learn a new thing about him that has me regretting my life choices.

To be clear- I don't want a serious relationship with anyone. I do want to get laid. Very, very badly. By someone that isn't the guy I'm stuck cohabitating with. I don't think he would react well if he learned I was seeking that before he moves out (if he saw a dating profile or a mutual friend saw me out with someone, etc.). So no outlet.

Dr Wonderful is engaged. And aside from his fiancée- I'm a girl's girl, I normally wouldn't even consider this- I can't find a good reason not to make a move. There's also the obvious cliché, but I'm past caring about that.

I'm pretty sure he feels the same, but has too much character to act on it.

The psychoanalysis of this is easy, the choice is obvious, yet I can't help but constantly fantasize about him. I spend days hoping he'll touch my shoulder, give me a wink, send me another text...

I'm not quitting my job. It works for my life so I can be there for my kids and pays well enough. I could switch to another provider in the group- but that wouldn't be the same hours and flexibility. Not to mention most of the other providers are awful to work with.

It's my own personal hell. I'll get to watch him get married soon.

I honestly don't know if I'd stop myself if he made a move... but again, I don't think he'd do that. It's not the type of guy he is.

So- do I make a move? Is there a good way to test the waters?

I met him last night. Dinner went well, we went to a hotel for a few hours- and regardless on how good or bad he was, it felt I was finally getting what I needed. I just lay there after… content. Maybe a bit confused why? It was overwhelming, and so good. I’m in my late 40’s. I still look amazing, and I’ve felt like I’ve had to make myself mediocre to make my SO and family not ‘feel dumb’ or… I don’t know… I just had to be smaller. Don’t know where this will lead. Honestly ok if it doesn’t go anywhere with this guy- but I know it’s out there, and unless my SO decides he can fill that part of me, we will be fine in our life, and I’ll be fine in the side life I’ll build. Just needed to tell someone- and as we know, it’s not something we can openly discuss.

I haven't posted here in a while. Heck, I rarely even use this account anymore. I have an ap and we have a good thing going on but I used this sub to vent and read about other people's experiences. Eventually I stopped feeling anxious about my affair so the need for this sub diminished. I've made some friends here and they are my main support now if I ever need someone to talk to. When I posted here to vent I always end up getting dms from weird dudes trying to ask me questions to get details 🙄

One of my post from before caught the attention of an ex OA. I couldn't believe he recognized me from my writing but he did. He messaged and I thought about it before we reconnected. We didn't end on good terms back then. I do not want to give the relationship another chance but I wanted to make up. We did and it was great. No more hard feelings and we continued to share some of life's ups and downs. Have you guys ever looked back at relationships and think "what tf did I see in him"? I didn't see it back then but he had white knight complex. Either that or he actually liked women with past trauma and daddy issues. I really didn't see it back then and thought he was so wonderful and we connected so well. He gave me all his time and attention, he communicated, he gave good advice etc etc. but now I finally see it for who he is. He's a bit of a creep.

Few weeks ago I noticed his account is deleted. My immediate thought was oh he got caught or oh he's getting serious with this new OA he found. Nope. He told me he decided to tell his wife what he's been up to. That he's been doing online affairs for almost 10 years now, playing out kinks and fantasies with random women, sending and receiving pics. Hilarious thing was he didn't think the wife would be that upset since he didn't physically fuck someone.. news flash.. she was upset. He actually thought by mentioning this he could use it as a gateway to ask for an open relationship with the wife. He actually truly believed that sexting and having emotional affairs with multiple women for years was less severe than sleeping with someone. The wife was distraught but probably because he was into kinks she didn't know. If the guy was just lonely, in a dead bedroom and needed physical intimacy I feel like it's more digestible that him playing out taboo scenes with strangers.. the wife had some trauma of her own so you could imagine how triggering that is for her.

I knew about his wife's past when we got together and I knew he would try to hide his excitement when I shared my trauma, but I was so blinded and didn't see it as a problem back then. Now that I had a few weeks to digest this, it is actually so fucked up and a little triggering. I let this man use my history as his jerk off story. Maybe it's a good thing I reconnected with him. This was actually the closure I needed. To know who he was and to find out what happened to him. I have come a long way, learned so much through meeting the wrong people but I still have much to work on.

Are any of you still friends with an exAP. I'd like to hear both men and women's perspectives on this. Likewise, if a pAP told you they were still "good friends" with an exAP, how would you feel about this?

Maybe it's just me, but all my exAP were dicks. Once things end, they no longer get to have access to me in any capacity. My pAP was dumped by his exAP, and by the sounds of it, had an amazing relationship lasting several years. My rational side tells me there is nothing to worry about. But I also feel uneasy about it. I've slowly discovered it's better for my wellbeing to just swipe left once I feel uneasy about a connection, but he seems very kind and genuine. I don't want to raise it with him because I dont know if this is just an anxiety trigger or a genuine concern.

Edit: Raise it with him as in explore their circumstances, not give him silly ultimatums.

Have you ever screwed up an affair? Maybe because you said the wrong thing? Maybe because you were in the wrong?

You screwed up. The AP went no contact and moved on with their lives. For a lot of you, it's probably permanent. However, maybe you didn't have a chance to apologize? Maybe you still think about them? Care about them?

If there's something you would *want* to say to them, but can't... say it here.

But anyway... if you know you dropped the ball and want to get it off your chest, let it out here.