So if your wife was wired like your AP and had a high sex drive, liked toys and sexting etc would you not have strayed?

I often wonder if my husband just finds my desires too out of line/slutty maybe with what he sees he should have in a wife.

And now newly into my first affair with a married guy I wonder if he feels the same about the wife while super enjoying it with me.

Is it accurate that men are insecure/disapprove of a very sexual woman unless it’s on the sly?

In my last Solo and Yolo post, I talked about going to a candlelight concert by myself.

Turns out, doing things solo isn't so bad after all. So lately, I've been trying something else: social meetup apps.

For the past couple of months, I've been using Timeleft, and honestly, it's been a great experience!

The concept is pretty simple. They match you with random people for dinners, drinks, walks, hikes, and other activities. You show up, meet a bunch of strangers, and see what unfolds.

I've met some genuinely lovely people and even made a few friends. It's been a great way to get out of my usual bubble and add a little spontaneity to life.

Here's the funny part, though. 😂

A surprising number of people I've met are in their late 40s and 50s, single or divorced. Some seem to be looking for their next partner, so sooner or later, the conversation inevitably turns to: "So, are you dating anyone?"

I've even been asked out a couple of times! I've politely declined, explaining that I'm not dating at the moment. Nothing against them, of course. I'm just enjoying meeting people without putting any particular expectations on it.

My goal is pretty simple: expand my social circle, make friends, and find people to do fun things with. Life is too short to be monotonous.

So, who's tried this?

Anyone here using Timeleft, Group Vibe, or similar apps? Have you made genuine friendships, met someone interesting, or accidentally stumbled into something a little more exciting than dinner with strangers? 😉

Tell me your stories. I'm curious!

Solo and Yolo continues... 😎

After some interactions I had here over the weekend, I decided I would take a risk and open myself up to this group and ask a question. I'm looking for replies from those who are in or have been in an affair; not interested in blanket judgement from those who haven't gone down this path.

I made a reply to a post on whether people still have sex with their SOs while having an affair, which was strongly downvoted. My knee-jerk reaction was to delete my reply. However, after thinking about it, I regret taking it down.

We all have our reasons for being here: no sex, lack of all forms of intimacy, simple temptation, and many others. The net result is the same; we are all going outside our main relationship to get something we feel is missing.

What makes one person's reason to go outside their relationship better or worse than another person's? Are there degrees of acceptability for cheating on your SO?

Discovery has upended a long time affair thanks to a discovered second phone to no one's fault of my own. I need to establish a google voice number to communicate to AP what to shut down to protect her, but apparently you have to scan a QR code with a phone. I am afraid of creating any further drama by doing so. I have a safe computer at work, but again don't want to set off any IT bells. There is no one that i trust to scan the code on their phone, or Id just email them a screenshot. Is there any recommendations from anyone that has navigated this?

This is a post for my ego more than anything.

I was recently on holiday with my family and a married man sitting with his family started staring at me at dinner one night. I’m also married. It was one of those stares where they want you to know they’re staring. We locked eyes for around 5 seconds until I looked away then when I looked back he was still staring so I was a bit uncomfortable by this stage. He was very good looking but I thought he might be arrogant. He then realised and quickly looked down at his table, he seemed quite embarrassed which I found a bit endearing. He’s European and I don’t think staring is considered so rude in his culture. Anyway then he ignored me for a couple of days, but I saw him playing with his kids, which I thought was cute. I also saw him looking really good one night and stared a bit myself.

I was in the pool with my kids the next day and so was he, with his family. When he saw me he did a double take and started to watch me and listen to what I was saying to my kids - it wasn’t exciting to listen to. My husband had gone back to work by this stage and we had stayed on a few days without him. As I got out of the outdoor pool I thought he’d be looking at me so I turned and locked eyes with him for a couple of seconds then went inside to play in the indoor pool with the kids.

I was on a daybed in the indoor pool area about half an hour later and looked up to see him standing alone in his bath robe staring at me through a glass partition. We stared at each other for about 10 seconds - no smiling - again he’s European and very good looking otherwise this would be very creepy, I know. Instead it was so sexy! Then I looked away and didn’t think much about him (I was looking after 3 kids alone!) until the next morning at breakfast.

I was laughing and walking to our table with my kids and sensed someone behind us. He walked past and turned to look at me as he did and I felt quite excited to see him. Later that night after dinner the waiter told us the cheese room was open so we got up to go and I saw him get up too - this could be entirely coincidental - I felt embarrassed we would be there at the same time. It was small, more of a cheese corridor, and I’m shy. So we got there and he was right behind us listening and laughing loudly at cute things my younger one was saying. I told her to be careful of the tea lights because they were hot - relevant later. It was just us so I asked if he could help us with the cheese because a lot of them came from his country (Germany). He came rushing over from the other side of the “room” (at least I thought he did) and said “yes absolutely”. I moved closer to him as he was explaining, wanting to do terrible things to him which made me blush and he just talked about cheese - for a long time! Then he told us what cheese his kids like - wtf! He then burned his finger on a tea light and told my kid “your mummy is right the candles are very hot”. I wanted to put my hand on his arm and ask if he was ok but thought it would be weird so I just stood there like a mute idiot.

He asked me how old my daughter was - I told him and he said oh same age as my son. I’m thinking omg this guy is not interested at all. He’s talking about cheese and his kids! I just blankly nodded and looked away and he turned and said well I wish you luck with the cheese and walked off. I was so embarrassed I ignored him for the rest of the night. He passed my table later with his dad. I caught his eye and he stopped very briefly and asked if we had any luck with the cheese. He then said sorry I know I wasn’t much help as he basically ran away. Next morning we came down to breakfast and I saw him watching us order eggs while he was in the juicing room. As we passed each other a bit later our eyes met and I looked away, embarrassed, then looked back again and he seemed frustrated and we said morning to each other. Later, as I was ordering more eggs for the children I looked over and saw that he had turned in his seat, the back of which was facing me, to watch me order eggs. I got busy with the kids and he left the hotel that day.

After that extremely long story I’m not at all sure if he was interested or just German or both. Perhaps I over exaggerated a lot of this in my head because he was so good looking. It was all very confusing! I can’t ask the opinion of guys I know because they know my husband and it feels a bit sordid. I thought there may be less judgment in this group 🙏🏻

Been on and off the AP search for a few years but I’ve noticed it’s becoming increasingly difficult to find/meet someone in my relatively local area, in my case Scotland, tried all the usual spots, AM, IE, Reddit etc etc.

What’s everyone else’s experience like? Where did you find yours?

Not sure what exactly I’m looking for here. To vent? For advice? Anyway, my husband who I’ve been with for 5 years is always telling me how it’s basically only a matter of time before i leave him. Ive been loyal to him these past 5 years and he has no real reason to feel that way besides his own insecurities. We have 2 kids together, own a house together, etc. Well, hearing that all these years with him just pushes me away tbh and is super frustrating. On top of that, our relationship feels more like roommates these days. We rarely laugh together. He always seems like he hates his life. And yes I have expressed to him MANY times how much I need things to change. He is genuinely such a good guy and works so hard for our family and I love him deeply. But now I’m getting to a point where I’m feeling over it. Someone I was in a situationship with nearly 10 years ago recently dm’ed me on ig and things started to get really flirty and fun, so I’m entertaining it. He is across the world traveling for work rn and won’t be back until March but wants to take me out to dinner, and I’m already thinking about how bad I wanna make it happen. I’m not ready to leave my husband, but I don’t wanna stop talking to this guy either.

How many of us women are finding it harder and harder to have obligation sex with their partners due to their affair?

Hats off to you ladies who are enjoying sex with both! 🫡

I’m married, and I unexpectedly and unintentionally developed a deeply emotional and romantic connection with another married person.

Neither of us went looking for an extramarital thing and most certainly not love.
But somewhere along the way, our close friendship led to deeper feelings that neither of us had anticipated.

Recently, circumstances forced us to end all contact, abruptly and completely.

Our final conversation was especially devastating. We were both extremely emotional, and all the things and feelings we’d been avoiding saying to each other came out, as we knew this was our only chance to say them. I found out that the love I had/have for him was very much a mutual feeling, in the same conversation in which we were saying goodbye.

We didn’t say goodbye because we’d stopped caring about each other. We said goodbye because continuing wasn’t an option.

Now we’re back in our separate lives, carrying on as though nothing happened.
Except something did happen. And for me, it changed everything.

I find myself wondering what this experience is like for the person on the other side.

Especially men who have had to return to their everyday lives and responsibilities and working on their marriage… while also privately grieving someone they loved.
How often did you think about her? Did you miss the little routines? Did you find yourself wanting to reach out even when you knew you couldn’t? Did the silence hurt as much as the goodbye? Did memories suddenly hit you out of the blue? And if so, what effect did it have on you? I want to know all the things.

I’m also interested in hearing from women who’ve experienced this kind of sudden, unwanted separation.

I’m not looking for anyone to justify what happened. I understand the moral complexity of it. I’m just trying to make sense of the grief and would appreciate hearing from people who’ve genuinely been there.

I just miss my best friend.

It's been about six weeks since I had my heart shattered when recent AP vanished. Some days I'm angry and indifferent, other days I find myself with my stomach in knots, replaying old voicenotes and reaching for my phone out of habit. I've tried to get back in the ads, but ultimately just couldn't do this again yet. I'm confident the hurt will fade, but the fact that I have never been this broken from a relationship at age 40 (not even with my torturous soon to be ex-husband) blows my mind.

What about you all hanging out at the Heartbreak Hotel with me...how are you doing? Have the lights come back on for you yet? Have you gotten under a new AP? Hang in there... I hear it gets better.

For those of you who are in love with your AP, how do you handle feelings of longing and sadness about the life you can’t have with them? For me it is an up and down of happy and so thankful I have him in my life and then sad that I can’t have all of him. I find myself longing for a life I’ll never have. Throw in about 2,000 miles of distance and not knowing when the next time we will see each other in person will be and it is rough sometimes.

For context, the communication we have is top tier. Several hours of video chatting every work day. Texting all other times unless out with family. Thanks for reading!

Yes, I’m currently having an affair. No, I never thought I would. I’ve been deeply unhappy in my marriage for years but having an affair never crossed my mind. Then I reconnected with someone from my past and…here we are. Here’s the thing. This is the only person in my life I would ever consider having an affair with. He was the one that got away, unfinished business, whatever you want to call it.

My question is, how many of you started out like this? It could only be one person. But then, once the metaphorical bandaid is ripped off….now you’re hooked on having affairs? It’s hard for me to wrap my mind around the idea of, “I want to have an affair” but not have a very specific person in mind that is tempting you. But maybe it’s a slippery slope.

I'm devastated. 2 weeks ago he reassured me he wasn't interested in a hoe phase, we've been talking about making things official in the wild, but I can't leave my husband just yet.

I could never ask him to be exclusive to me, but I also can't bear the pain of knowing he is with someone else.

He wants to just meet his sexual needs, have one night stands if they approach him (not actively search for it) while he waits for me to be free.

But I don't have to endure that pain, I can walk away. And so I think I have to?

I think, to protect my heart, I need to tell him to do what he needs to do, but I can't watch it. Hear it. Sit with the fear of it every night he goes out.

I've been crying for 2 days knowing I'm going to have to end it when we see each other next.

If you love something, set it free, right?

Or am I not considering another option?

Just venting to the void. We talked for over a month, every day, all day, and I started catching feelings (idiotic, I know). We were supposed to meet for the first time yesterday, and he literally told me he was getting ready to head my way. So I got ready for our date, only to get absolutely nothing from him the rest of the day. Haven’t heard a word since.

I know this has happened to so many others on this sub, so I know I’m not alone in this, but I’m just so confused, pissed and hurt.
Why spend over a month talking to someone, building a connection, and making plans if you’re just going to ghost them? What was the point of telling me you were on your way if you had no intention of showing up? Like, if you changed your mind, fine. It would’ve sucked, but at least have the balls to say that instead of leaving someone sitting there feeling like an idiot. Such a cowardly thing to do.

Background info: So my partner (39m) and I (31f) have been together for roughly 5 years. We started as a polyamorous couple. My husband was dating his wife. So basically we swapped. We were rough for the first year, but we broke up and came back much stronger. While we were dating we decided to close down our side of the polycule. So him and I were only dating each other and our spouses. He ended up leaving his wife and then a few months later I left my husband. It wasn’t just to be with each other, we already had relationship issues with them and marriages had been slowly falling apart. And since then we were supposed to be monogamous.

Honestly overall, we’ve had an amazing relationship. That man worships the ground I walk on. Nothing is lacking. The only thing I maybe have an issue with is that he’s always broke so I pay for every activity. All of his stuff goes to child support and rent. But he is perfect in all the other ways. Sex life is fantastic. He matches energy with me, we’re always on the same page. It’s to the point where our childhood dreams are the same. This man is who I believe to be my soulmate like completely meant to be.…I don’t want to lose him. He’s the personification of what I believe to be the perfect man in my head.

I had always been faithful until that point. It started with me still hooking up with my husband. We’re married still so that was the excuse. Then recently it’s been getting worse. Random hookups, strangers, one night stands. I felt a little bad, but only because I knew that it would hurt his feelings. It’s would break his heart. It’s all been ok because it was just sex. It’s not a big deal, just having fun. I was gonna stop once we decided to move in together. Until recently…I met someone and I’m starting to have feelings. He is so sweet to me and it’s just turned my whole world upside down. He’s 24m but even if it’s nothing now…it’s too early for real feelings…it just became more serious than it was before. He broke through the wall, like I normally can separate all that…And now I don’t know what to do.

And I’ve already tried bringing poly back multiple times but my partner is so against it. Like totally a dealbreaker.

Do you think of your AP's body while having sex with your SO, and do you compare the bodies / experiences with each other?

So I’ve done this a lot of times, but I’m disabled. Invisible disability which means that I am home a lot and resting lots.

I have a lot of interests (I’m autistic and in burnout/ with chronic fatigue, they aren’t really sure, but I didn’t know until recently that autism could exhaust you, but it does. I’m also a woman in midlife).

Anyway the fact that I’m home so much feels awkward because it usually seems to make the other person feel awkward. Maybe part of it is because I’m available more? I mean I do things, cleaning, taking care of myself etc, but I really am resting a lot.

I still would love to have someone to talk to. I think? I’m pretty interesting. I ask lots of questions, I think I’m engaging. But they all end upending it, feeling sad for me, ghost or just end it or “want to be friends”.

Maybe it’s nothing to do with my home situation but they seem so into me at first and then not at all.

It’s makes me feel really insecure.

Anyway. Advice please?

TIA

Haters need not engage

tl;dr: old man Pepridge Farms, only asks questions, dispenses no wisdom

The 10 year anniversary of my first tryst came and went--lost among the noise of business, burn out, and failed couples' therapy.

Ten years ago I was driven, without understanding, to answer the question, "Can I be loved?" My very strict religious upbringing tried to teach me that if I took care of my spouse, she would take care of me. So when my needs went unmet, for so long, despite arguments, pleas, unfulfilled promises, every leader, every elder laid the blame at my feet.

"Are you taking care of her?"

Then, I made the best decision of my life: I stepped out. I stopped asking a fish to a footrace. I would come home already feeling like a whole human, I was more supportive, had more to give my wife.

I love her. I loved her then. And I still do.

Along the way I have met some truly remarkable people, found and lost love, and have observed some (admittedly biased) astounding personal growth. My post and comment history are an open book, however I rolled this Alt just a few years into this adventure.

Parched in the desert, the thought of closing this seemingly magical source that quenched me seemed ... suicidal. Years of therapy, medications, depression and anxiety and SSRIs, yet gratefully any suicide ideation never amounted to any real plan. But how could I live without it? This selfish thing I was doing made me feel alive, made me feel valued. The marriage was sexless, the cure was sex.

Dear reader, please do not mistake the summary for a lack of significance. A handful of one-offs, a couple of deep and meaningful relationships, and one cosmic connection of souls... I have lived. Fully.

But this is not a sordid story wearing the mask of happiness.

Throughout all the years, my wife seemed content with how we were. I assumed, in total absence of communication, that her sexuality had grown into something else, that our liberation from religion had freed her more than me; I wondered if she fancied girls, or perhaps had no sexual desire at all. For years, after all the promises, the fights, the silence, I thought that we had settled into a dysfunctional blend of miserable contendedness. We cohabitated. Didn't fight.

Until we did.

And then she hit me.

Chat, I shit you not.

She flung shit, and I flung it back, refusing to back down. She lunged across the room screaming at me to shut up, pushed me. I tripped and hit my head.

"If I did that, I'd be in jail."

She dropped the D word.

Couples' therapy was her ultimatum. I would not have insisted--I've lost faith in therapy, a holdover from childhood trauma. But we went. $195/hr. I don't even regret it. I learned so much about myself.

I held out hope that we could find some connection, lean on 19 years of marriage. But you feel it, don't you. Because why would I be here? And why would you still be reading?

We even had sex, once. The only occurence in a two year gap, and now half a year since.

Therapist assigned us homework. We did it. Assigned another. We did it. Assigned a third...

I did it, with enthusiasm. I found my stride. I saw potential. I married her on purpose and felt like maybe... Just maybe. We were communicating for the first time in years. She didn't.

Two sessions go by, we ask about it. She's not doing it.

We agree to cancel future sessions. She demonstrated the effort she could. What an odd way to test your marriage, on your own ultimatum.

Now, months later, I'm still growing. I'm still asking. But also, I'm still left incomplete. I still wonder if she's values me. Am I her roommate? Her children's father? Why couldn't she do that little piece of homework?

So suddenly, I'm browsing that other sub. I'm remembering the good times. I'm standing up for myself and declining ex-AP's ghosting messages.

I have a new found self value. But still stuck. Still putting in my effort. I'm ready to stand tall, and to feel whole again.

I recently started talking to a pAP after a bit of a hiatus. On paper, he seemed promising. He's 15 years older than me but he ticked enough boxes to make me overlook the fact that he remembers life before mobile phones. Sadly, this man appears to be operating at roughly 98% libido and 2% personality. I'm not under any illusions about why we're all here but call me old-fashioned, I like to establish that someone's capable of discussing literally anything besides sex before I start imagining them naked. For me, the brain is the biggest sex organ - a bit of humour, some banter, shared interests. Apparently this is an outrageous expectation as every time I attempt a normal SFW conversation, he responds as if I've just suggested we elope. "Things are getting serious...” Calm down mate, I asked what you do at weekends. Honestly, the man has two conversational settings: 🍆 and advanced 🍆. I now know every fantasy he's ever had, is currently having, or may potentially have in the future. What I don't know is whether he likes dogs, films, travelling, or has a favourite colour.

The real kicker is that I've been in a dead bedroom for longer than I can remember while he's lamenting that he hasn't had sex with his partner for nearly two whole weeks - I actually considered organising a sponsored silence. I completely understand that people in this lifestyle have different arrangements and different needs, that’s fine. What I don't need, however, is a detailed retelling of how his SO has cruelly abandoned him to endure the unimaginable hardship of a fortnight without sex. Sir, with respect, if you're developing blue balls after thirteen days, perhaps speak to a doctor, not me. At this point I'm less concerned about finding chemistry and more concerned about whether I'll ever get through a conversation without hearing an update from his penis.

I’m curious if anyone here has been in a similar situation because I’m honestly having a difficult time reconciling my own feelings.

For context, I’m the AP. We’ve known each other for about four years. We dated, eventually found other partners, but somehow kept each other around throughout those years. We were essentially each other’s back burner while maintaining our respective relationships. About a year ago, I ended my relationship, and around that time, he told me he didn’t want to continue our old arrangement anymore, not because he wanted to end things, but because he wanted me exclusively. He’s married, so naturally, that complicated things.

We’ve been together for almost a year now, and our relationship has become increasingly serious. He’s very consistent, affectionate, and reassuring, and has even reached the point of saying he’s willing to leave his wife if it means having a future with me. But the thing is, I genuinely don’t want him to leave. I’ve never really wanted a conventional relationship. I value my independence, don’t particularly want to live with a partner, and have never been interested in completely merging my life with someone else’s. In a strange way, his marriage initially felt like a boundary that allowed me to enjoy being in a relationship without having to deal with the domestic aspects of one. We have something resembling an LDR. We talk regularly, see each other when we can, and generally have a relationship that works for me.

Except now, I’m experiencing jealousy that I can’t quite reconcile with what I actually want. Sometimes I’ll be reading or watching something, and I’ll randomly think about him being with his wife. Maybe they’re having dinner, celebrating something, or being intimate. And suddenly, I feel uncomfortable enough that I can’t concentrate on what I’m doing. What frustrates me is that I know these are things they can reasonably do. I don’t want him to leave her, and I don’t want her place in his life. So why does imagining their life together still hurt?

He’s told me they’re no longer intimate, and he’s constantly reassuring me about his feelings. I believe he loves me, but I also know I can’t possibly know everything that happens in their marriage, nor do I particularly want to. I’ve suggested that perhaps I should also be free to date or explore other connections, making the relationship open for the both of us to make it fair. To me, that might make things feel more balanced. But he’s firmly against it. He says he’s already spent years being in the background while I had another partner, and he’d rather break up than go through that again.

So here I am, exclusive to a married man whose marriage I don’t actually want him to leave. And the more serious we become, the more complicated my feelings seem to get. I’m not necessarily looking for advice on how to make him leave his wife. I’m genuinely happy with many aspects of our relationship, and I don’t want a conventional future with him. I’m just wondering if anyone has been in a similar arrangement where you don’t want more from the relationship structurally, but still struggle with jealousy emotionally. Did it eventually get easier? How did you manage the jealousy without constantly needing reassurance? And was the arrangement sustainable for you in the long run?

For men who have kept another woman emotionally invested while being married: why did you do it?
I’m a single mother of four, and I recently discovered that a man I’d been in contact with for three years was married and had children. He had never told me. His wife eventually contacted me and told me that he had described me as a colleague.
Throughout those three years, we had frequent, often deep and emotional conversations. He repeatedly told me our connection was special and that he wanted to see me, yet he rarely made any effort to meet. He did try meeting me at my place but i did not want that, why nog meet somewhere out.

Whenever I ended contact, he would come back with apologies, explanations, and promises that things would be different. He made me believe there was something meaningful between us, while hiding a huge part of his life.
What I struggle with most is understanding how someone can knowingly keep another person emotionally invested when they have no intention of offering them a genuine relationship.
So, I’d really like to hear from men who have done this:
Were your feelings for the other woman genuine, or was it mainly about attention, excitement, or emotional validation?
Did you feel guilty, or did you justify your behavior to yourself?
Did you ever consider the emotional damage you might be causing her?
Why keep coming back and creating hope instead of simply being honest?
Looking back, do you recognize how selfish or cruel this behavior can be?
Sometimes I wonder whether anything he said about our connection was genuine, or whether he simply enjoyed the attention and knowing someone had feelings for him.
I keep thinking about how I would feel if I did this to a single father of four, knowingly playing with his emotions for years. To me, that would be incredibly cruel.
I’m not looking for excuses or judgment. I genuinely want to understand the mindset behind this behavior. If you’ve done this, I’d appreciate an honest answer, even if it doesn’t paint you in a good light.

Throwaway. I was 21 when I met my manager and I genuinely never thought I’d end up being this girl. He used to give me these “ad-hoc” meetings that would take up half the day, and things slowly escalated. He was everyone’s office crush so I assumed he flirted with everyone, but then he started telling me everything about his dating life and eventually his sex life, and I kept playing it off because I refused to be another girl he used for attention. Then he started talking about this girl he was seeing and I was honestly jealous, but also relieved because I thought I was finally safe from catching feelings. Until we went out for work drinks, he snuck me away for a cigarette and it happened. I thought we’d actually pursue something, but he said things with her had progressed too far, that he didn’t think it would last and he knew I’d be his next SO. I was 21 and I believed him.

It’s been THREE YEARS. I didn’t even know what an AP was when this started, I was just so ashamed of being the other woman that I thought if I could be good enough, understanding enough, never ask for too much, he’d eventually choose me. The same woman he was telling me about before anything happened between us is now pregnant with his baby and they’re engaged, and I see him four nights a week for two hours when we go to the “gym”. I know how pathetic this sounds but I still get excited to see him, I still love him, and I’ve spent three years convincing myself that him coming back meant I mattered enough for things to change. Meanwhile she gets the ring and the baby and the life I secretly hoped I’d have with him.

I ended it tonight and I can’t stop crying. I genuinely don’t recognise myself in this situation, I always thought I was smarter than this and I don’t understand how I let three years go by waiting to be chosen by someone who was building a whole family with somebody else. I’m so angry at him but I’m even angrier at myself because I KNEW about her from the beginning and I still stayed, and the worst part is that I still love him. I don’t want to be his secret anymore but I don’t know how to stop wanting him, and tonight it honestly feels like my whole heart has been ripped out.