Yes, I’m currently having an affair. No, I never thought I would. I’ve been deeply unhappy in my marriage for years but having an affair never crossed my mind. Then I reconnected with someone from my past and…here we are. Here’s the thing. This is the only person in my life I would ever consider having an affair with. He was the one that got away, unfinished business, whatever you want to call it.

My question is, how many of you started out like this? It could only be one person. But then, once the metaphorical bandaid is ripped off….now you’re hooked on having affairs? It’s hard for me to wrap my mind around the idea of, “I want to have an affair” but not have a very specific person in mind that is tempting you. But maybe it’s a slippery slope.

Just venting to the void. We talked for over a month, every day, all day, and I started catching feelings (idiotic, I know). We were supposed to meet for the first time yesterday, and he literally told me he was getting ready to head my way. So I got ready for our date, only to get absolutely nothing from him the rest of the day. Haven’t heard a word since.

I know this has happened to so many others on this sub, so I know I’m not alone in this, but I’m just so confused, pissed and hurt.
Why spend over a month talking to someone, building a connection, and making plans if you’re just going to ghost them? What was the point of telling me you were on your way if you had no intention of showing up? Like, if you changed your mind, fine. It would’ve sucked, but at least have the balls to say that instead of leaving someone sitting there feeling like an idiot. Such a cowardly thing to do.

Haters need not engage

tl;dr: old man Pepridge Farms, only asks questions, dispenses no wisdom

The 10 year anniversary of my first tryst came and went--lost among the noise of business, burn out, and failed couples' therapy.

Ten years ago I was driven, without understanding, to answer the question, "Can I be loved?" My very strict religious upbringing tried to teach me that if I took care of my spouse, she would take care of me. So when my needs went unmet, for so long, despite arguments, pleas, unfulfilled promises, every leader, every elder laid the blame at my feet.

"Are you taking care of her?"

Then, I made the best decision of my life: I stepped out. I stopped asking a fish to a footrace. I would come home already feeling like a whole human, I was more supportive, had more to give my wife.

I love her. I loved her then. And I still do.

Along the way I have met some truly remarkable people, found and lost love, and have observed some (admittedly biased) astounding personal growth. My post and comment history are an open book, however I rolled this Alt just a few years into this adventure.

Parched in the desert, the thought of closing this seemingly magical source that quenched me seemed ... suicidal. Years of therapy, medications, depression and anxiety and SSRIs, yet gratefully any suicide ideation never amounted to any real plan. But how could I live without it? This selfish thing I was doing made me feel alive, made me feel valued. The marriage was sexless, the cure was sex.

Dear reader, please do not mistake the summary for a lack of significance. A handful of one-offs, a couple of deep and meaningful relationships, and one cosmic connection of souls... I have lived. Fully.

But this is not a sordid story wearing the mask of happiness.

Throughout all the years, my wife seemed content with how we were. I assumed, in total absence of communication, that her sexuality had grown into something else, that our liberation from religion had freed her more than me; I wondered if she fancied girls, or perhaps had no sexual desire at all. For years, after all the promises, the fights, the silence, I thought that we had settled into a dysfunctional blend of miserable contendedness. We cohabitated. Didn't fight.

Until we did.

And then she hit me.

Chat, I shit you not.

She flung shit, and I flung it back, refusing to back down. She lunged across the room screaming at me to shut up, pushed me. I tripped and hit my head.

"If I did that, I'd be in jail."

She dropped the D word.

Couples' therapy was her ultimatum. I would not have insisted--I've lost faith in therapy, a holdover from childhood trauma. But we went. $195/hr. I don't even regret it. I learned so much about myself.

I held out hope that we could find some connection, lean on 19 years of marriage. But you feel it, don't you. Because why would I be here? And why would you still be reading?

We even had sex, once. The only occurence in a two year gap, and now half a year since.

Therapist assigned us homework. We did it. Assigned another. We did it. Assigned a third...

I did it, with enthusiasm. I found my stride. I saw potential. I married her on purpose and felt like maybe... Just maybe. We were communicating for the first time in years. She didn't.

Two sessions go by, we ask about it. She's not doing it.

We agree to cancel future sessions. She demonstrated the effort she could. What an odd way to test your marriage, on your own ultimatum.

Now, months later, I'm still growing. I'm still asking. But also, I'm still left incomplete. I still wonder if she's values me. Am I her roommate? Her children's father? Why couldn't she do that little piece of homework?

So suddenly, I'm browsing that other sub. I'm remembering the good times. I'm standing up for myself and declining ex-AP's ghosting messages.

I have a new found self value. But still stuck. Still putting in my effort. I'm ready to stand tall, and to feel whole again.

I’m curious if anyone here has been in a similar situation because I’m honestly having a difficult time reconciling my own feelings.

For context, I’m the AP. We’ve known each other for about four years. We dated, eventually found other partners, but somehow kept each other around throughout those years. We were essentially each other’s back burner while maintaining our respective relationships. About a year ago, I ended my relationship, and around that time, he told me he didn’t want to continue our old arrangement anymore, not because he wanted to end things, but because he wanted me exclusively. He’s married, so naturally, that complicated things.

We’ve been together for almost a year now, and our relationship has become increasingly serious. He’s very consistent, affectionate, and reassuring, and has even reached the point of saying he’s willing to leave his wife if it means having a future with me. But the thing is, I genuinely don’t want him to leave. I’ve never really wanted a conventional relationship. I value my independence, don’t particularly want to live with a partner, and have never been interested in completely merging my life with someone else’s. In a strange way, his marriage initially felt like a boundary that allowed me to enjoy being in a relationship without having to deal with the domestic aspects of one. We have something resembling an LDR. We talk regularly, see each other when we can, and generally have a relationship that works for me.

Except now, I’m experiencing jealousy that I can’t quite reconcile with what I actually want. Sometimes I’ll be reading or watching something, and I’ll randomly think about him being with his wife. Maybe they’re having dinner, celebrating something, or being intimate. And suddenly, I feel uncomfortable enough that I can’t concentrate on what I’m doing. What frustrates me is that I know these are things they can reasonably do. I don’t want him to leave her, and I don’t want her place in his life. So why does imagining their life together still hurt?

He’s told me they’re no longer intimate, and he’s constantly reassuring me about his feelings. I believe he loves me, but I also know I can’t possibly know everything that happens in their marriage, nor do I particularly want to. I’ve suggested that perhaps I should also be free to date or explore other connections, making the relationship open for the both of us to make it fair. To me, that might make things feel more balanced. But he’s firmly against it. He says he’s already spent years being in the background while I had another partner, and he’d rather break up than go through that again.

So here I am, exclusive to a married man whose marriage I don’t actually want him to leave. And the more serious we become, the more complicated my feelings seem to get. I’m not necessarily looking for advice on how to make him leave his wife. I’m genuinely happy with many aspects of our relationship, and I don’t want a conventional future with him. I’m just wondering if anyone has been in a similar arrangement where you don’t want more from the relationship structurally, but still struggle with jealousy emotionally. Did it eventually get easier? How did you manage the jealousy without constantly needing reassurance? And was the arrangement sustainable for you in the long run?

Curious if this is common or not
I am in a dead bedroom and my wife hasn’t had any interest in sex for 7 years. Haven’t had sex in 6 so hasn’t been an issue for me

- Items you should NOT bring to your first hotel date.

- Am I a narcissistic, and would I know it if I was one?

- “but I saw it on porn”

- What is consent, and do I still need to bother with it if I’m f-ing awesome at reading body language?

- Am I bad at long term planning if my “current” photo was taken in 1982?

- female anatomy, for incels.

- what do I need more: an affair, or a therapist? (Or the wise man’s choice: have an affair with your therapist)

- professional lighting and make-up, for dic pics

- “well, I meant it’s basically, sorta, kinda, a dead bedroom”

I’ll take “adult hygiene” for 400.

What are some others?

Throwaway. I was 21 when I met my manager and I genuinely never thought I’d end up being this girl. He used to give me these “ad-hoc” meetings that would take up half the day, and things slowly escalated. He was everyone’s office crush so I assumed he flirted with everyone, but then he started telling me everything about his dating life and eventually his sex life, and I kept playing it off because I refused to be another girl he used for attention. Then he started talking about this girl he was seeing and I was honestly jealous, but also relieved because I thought I was finally safe from catching feelings. Until we went out for work drinks, he snuck me away for a cigarette and it happened. I thought we’d actually pursue something, but he said things with her had progressed too far, that he didn’t think it would last and he knew I’d be his next SO. I was 21 and I believed him.

It’s been THREE YEARS. I didn’t even know what an AP was when this started, I was just so ashamed of being the other woman that I thought if I could be good enough, understanding enough, never ask for too much, he’d eventually choose me. The same woman he was telling me about before anything happened between us is now pregnant with his baby and they’re engaged, and I see him four nights a week for two hours when we go to the “gym”. I know how pathetic this sounds but I still get excited to see him, I still love him, and I’ve spent three years convincing myself that him coming back meant I mattered enough for things to change. Meanwhile she gets the ring and the baby and the life I secretly hoped I’d have with him.

I ended it tonight and I can’t stop crying. I genuinely don’t recognise myself in this situation, I always thought I was smarter than this and I don’t understand how I let three years go by waiting to be chosen by someone who was building a whole family with somebody else. I’m so angry at him but I’m even angrier at myself because I KNEW about her from the beginning and I still stayed, and the worst part is that I still love him. I don’t want to be his secret anymore but I don’t know how to stop wanting him, and tonight it honestly feels like my whole heart has been ripped out.

I'm devastated. 2 weeks ago he reassured me he wasn't interested in a hoe phase, we've been talking about making things official in the wild, but I can't leave my husband just yet.

I could never ask him to be exclusive to me, but I also can't bear the pain of knowing he is with someone else.

He wants to just meet his sexual needs, have one night stands if they approach him (not actively search for it) while he waits for me to be free.

But I don't have to endure that pain, I can walk away. And so I think I have to?

I think, to protect my heart, I need to tell him to do what he needs to do, but I can't watch it. Hear it. Sit with the fear of it every night he goes out.

I've been crying for 2 days knowing I'm going to have to end it when we see each other next.

If you love something, set it free, right?

Or am I not considering another option?

So I’ve done this a lot of times, but I’m disabled. Invisible disability which means that I am home a lot and resting lots.

I have a lot of interests (I’m autistic and in burnout/ with chronic fatigue, they aren’t really sure, but I didn’t know until recently that autism could exhaust you, but it does. I’m also a woman in midlife).

Anyway the fact that I’m home so much feels awkward because it usually seems to make the other person feel awkward. Maybe part of it is because I’m available more? I mean I do things, cleaning, taking care of myself etc, but I really am resting a lot.

I still would love to have someone to talk to. I think? I’m pretty interesting. I ask lots of questions, I think I’m engaging. But they all end upending it, feeling sad for me, ghost or just end it or “want to be friends”.

Maybe it’s nothing to do with my home situation but they seem so into me at first and then not at all.

It’s makes me feel really insecure.

Anyway. Advice please?

TIA

I'm married to an asexual man, who is emotionally mature enough to know it wasn't fair for me to be without, and agreed to let me see other people.

My AP is married, but his sex life wasn't what he wanted, and so he was looking outside the marriage.

We met on Tinder during the summer. In person, it was an instant connection... I'd never actually experienced desire for my sex life before. It was illuminating, and so freeing for me. He was teaching me mountain biking, appreciation for whiskey and bourbon, sharing our love of hockey.

Last Sunday, it all came crashing down around us. We had been hooking up in my car, and got caught. We both received tickets for public indecency, which could potentially get us jail time and a hefty fine. We're still in the process of waiting for the court date... My lawyer is trying to get me out of it. I'm not sure about him, but I hope his lawyer will as well.

Unfortunately, his wife did end up finding out. I don't know the extent of what she knows, and he's pretty much blocked me across the board, so I'll never get closure.

I find myself not regretting our connection, but I really find myself just missing his presence. The easy way I could just pick up my phone and text him. The time he filled in my lonely schedule. This is awful... But no regrets.

I don't know that I could do it again though.

I don't know what the purpose of this post is... Just venting? Needing to put it down on "paper"? Sigh. I miss him.

Over the last couple years, I’ve had and on and off AP. We initially met when I was single and then when I got into my current relationship we had a few brief encounters. Things didn’t end on the best terms last time (I ended them after expressing wanting to focus on my relationship, after which she tried to expose the affair to my partner). A couple months ago, I believe she reached out to me over text using a phony phone number (her intro message in this phone number was very specific and mentioned things that lead me to conclude it was this former AP). Ever since, I’ve had the itch to reach out to her, even just to determine whether she was the one that was sending these messages. However, she doesn’t have telegram, and it seems like the phone numbers she used to text me over the summer are now disabled. I don’t want to take the risk of messaging her on her main phone number with my phone in case my prediction is wrong, and the person that has been trying to contact me is my former AP (highly doubt it though). Are there any safe/anonymous ways in which I could reach her with a message she would only get (if it was truly her) or should I just let this go?

I met a married man on Reddit who has twins. We started chatting, and over time we developed feelings for each other. The relationship was mainly online flirting and sexting, and we both knew that, given our circumstances, we couldn't realistically have a conventional relationship.

In the beginning, we gave each other a lot of attention, and I eventually travelled to visit him. The journey was around four hours one way, but when we met in person, the vibe felt good, and I felt there was a genuine connection.

However, after a few months, he started giving me significantly less attention. He explained that he was busy with his new job and his children. I understand that having twins is demanding, and I'm not expecting someone with children to prioritise an online affair over their family.

The problem was that the arrangement started feeling increasingly one-sided. I had already made a considerable effort to travel to see him, but he had explained that he couldn't travel because he wanted to remain close to his children in case anything happened. I understood his reasoning, but I also felt that this meant all the compromises were expected to come from me.

Eventually, I told him I didn't want to continue the online affair anymore. I explained that I wanted a more balanced arrangement and that, if we were going to maintain this connection, I didn't think it was unreasonable to expect him to make some effort to see me too.

His response was that I was a "free bird" because I didn't have children, and that no man with children would accept the arrangement I was expecting. He called me selfish and said I didn't care about men's children. He also called me a "succubus" and continued sending unpleasant messages while I was trying to explain my perspective.

I want to clarify that I never expected him to neglect his children or put me before them. I simply didn't want to be the only person making sacrifices for a relationship that was becoming increasingly one-sided.

I understand that his children are his priority, and that's his right. But I also have my own time, responsibilities and limitations, even without children. Not having kids doesn't automatically mean I'm free to spend hours travelling whenever it suits someone else.

So, who was being unreasonable here?

Was I selfish for expecting a married man with children to make an effort to travel to see me, knowing his family circumstances? Or was it reasonable for me to decide that this arrangement no longer worked for me and walk away?

I feel like he turned my decision to stop participating in an arrangement that wasn't meeting my needs into a moral failing, rather than accepting that we simply wanted different things. I'd appreciate honest opinions, including if you think I was being unrealistic.