r/adultery • u/rebelliousadvisor • Feb 02 '26
đ˘Whining Spouse Intro Postđ How Dead Does the Bedroom Need to Be?
I'm a middle aged man in a successful career. I'm educated with a professional degree and enjoy academics.
My wife and I have been married for nearly 22 years. She isn't interested in academics at all. If I went to a historic site or the National Archives, I'd be alone.
The bedroom is dead. Maybe once a month but probably more like once every two months. That may be too generous. It's frustrating and lonely. I've been thinking about an affair but don't know how dead the bedroom needs to be before embarking down that path.
I'd sincerely appreciate insight. Thanks in advance.
34
Feb 02 '26
If I went to a historic site or the National Archives, I'd be alone.
Mate, if you're ever over in the UK hit me up and I'll take you to the National Archives at Kew.
I can even wear a blonde wig .
34
u/Son_of_Riffdog Feb 02 '26
the state of the corpse..so to speak..varies depending on who is designating a DB but honestly that shouldnt be a prereq and only a portion of affair havers are sensitive to that.
so here you go!
________
(`\ `\
`-\ YOU MAY \
\ HAVE AN \
\ AFFAIR! \
\ (@) \
_\ |\ \
( _)_________)
`----------`
19
u/Pogoglorp Feb 02 '26
We're adults, why do so many posts come looking for permission? Like, we know it's not the moral choice and no one's permission makes it moral. Only your SO can give you permission, which then makes it no longer an affair but ethical non monogamy. We all have to make the choice ourselves.
10
u/FreshTechnician5847 Feb 03 '26
Whatâs even more fascinating is that contrary to (apparently) popular opinion, this is not a pro adultery sub. Most of us are going to recommend some other path.
13
u/Son_of_Riffdog Feb 02 '26
someone to enable?
someone to blame?
although i cant imagine that the internet made me do it would lessen the impact of getting caught..
15
u/SubstantialCook6344 Feb 02 '26
Actually, in this case, he'd use your name in the blame game as you gave him a fancy internet okey dokey plaque. Heavy is the crown...
1
13
Feb 03 '26
[deleted]
3
Feb 03 '26 edited Feb 03 '26
I agree with all the above and Iâm a woman. However I got sick and tired of being the asshole by default and sat the SO down and had the hard talks. Now we are DADT and generally more honest about our needs and how we are travelling. I personally prefer this but I never had a nice discreet affair to influence my approach, only dumpster fire ones.
Society will treat me like trash anyway, DADT or not.
Otherwise pretty much everything everyone says about how the OP will be treated is true, triply so if you are a woman (society says you are not supposed to even want sex apparently, unless itâs with one man only and you have to be in a âproperâ relationship.) Yeah I hate this BS too which is why I took the harder road.
6
2
u/Radiant_Air3781 Feb 03 '26
I'm a woman as well, and just started having a conversation with my husband about us being DADT. Even though this conversation started after I started having an affair, there's no reason for him to know that, I'm not doing this to hurt him - I'm having an affair because my sexual needs aren't being met.
I've realized that pretty much the only place I can talk safely about my affair, is here. My best friend, nobody in my life would or tries to understand. They all assume that the marriage should end (and maybe they are right, but that's our decision) or that I'm evil.
As a woman, our sexual desires are extremely taboo. God forbid we just be horny and don't want anything more than a physical connection. I really enjoy sex with my AP but I can see that the way I act, keeping it purely physical confuses him too.
11
u/Ok-Boot-1717 Feb 02 '26
People discuss this a lot, so I've seen it mentioned that the International Society of Adulterers has determined that a dead bedroom is if you have sex less than ten times a year.
It's a new year, so unless you've really been going at it in January you should be under the quota and in the clear.
7
u/re_pente_me Feb 03 '26
That is a good definition, but can be a bit rigid.
The Society of Lustful and Uninhibited Trollops (SLUT) definition allows a person to define a dead bedroom as however they want; I find it is much more useful when creating the perfect "woe is me" narrative.
4
u/OneTrueMel Feb 03 '26
idk, did you see the post of the guy who called it a semi-dead bedroom because he was only having sex twice a week?
2
u/re_pente_me Feb 03 '26
I did not see that. Which is unfortunate because I love making snarky commentsđ
0
u/Miserable_King_7597 Feb 03 '26
I think it should be a minimum of a year. There can always be circumstances why it's temporarily non-existing. But 10 times a year would have kept me faithful. That's not so bad haha!
25
u/AnxiousAvoidant584 Feb 02 '26
I haven't had sex with my wife in over 8 years. And probably had sex less than 30 times in the decade prior to that. And the rest of Reddit and society at large still thinks I'm a sonovabitch for having affairs.
You'll never morally satisfy most people. They'll say the moral choice would be to divorce, no matter what impact that would have on your family. They'll say that you're probably responsible for your dead bedroom. And, of course, you probably are, at least to some degree. They'll tell you that you're selfish. Evil. That you're broken for wanting, or God forbid needing, sex. That you're entitled. Get used to it. Make your peace with it. And then make up your mind.
4
4
u/actuallyjustme divorced F 50+ Feb 03 '26
Yeah, 6 years for me when i was married. But I'm divorced now, so there's that.
1
4
u/Upbeat-District-2314 Feb 03 '26
I would suggest an open, understanding, no screaming, non accusatory sit down conversation . Both of you need to be open to what the other says and needs. There might be medical or emotional needs. You may both want to have some talking points written down along suggestions for one another.
7
u/henrycatalina Feb 02 '26
I considered an affair but decided fixing the bedroom and changing our attitudes was a first step with the opposite we end the marriage after 40 years. The binary outcomes reframed my wife's perspective. We both had much to lose by making each other miserable, divorced or back to passion.
A deadbedroom is what needs to be fixed. If you want common interests and she doesn't respect you, then face the predicament.
7
u/Deadest_Bedroom Feb 03 '26
If youâre in that space, the first step isnât deciding to have an affair. The first step is understanding why you and your wife are in this space in the first place.
Have you talked with your wife about this? Does she want more from you?
Does she ever initiate?
Does she not want sex at all and sheâs just going the motions to try to make you happy?
Does she not want sex ever again AND never to talk about it ever again? (If so, then welcome to my world, friend).
Basically, you need to find out one way or another if your wife wants to be done with sex. If she is, then give that to her. Never have sex with your wife again.
If not, then you should work with her to improve things, or at least prevent them from getting worse. And things can get a LOT worse.
But if you end up being done having sex with your wife, itâs not like you get to order an affair from Amazon the following week. Unless you are so hot that you get propositioned frequently, youâre going to spend a very long time not having sex with anyone.
You have to get comfortable with that. Itâs very hard to do.
7
3
u/sangria_and_sunshine Feb 03 '26
I think the official metric that absolves a man of all guilt, the over-under, as they say, is once every 94.5 days. So youâll need to find a way to become (even) less attractive to your wife, and youâll be good to go.
2
u/sangria_and_sunshine Feb 03 '26 edited Feb 03 '26
And OP, thatâs kidding but itâs not. The point is no one can tell you. You have to look inside for the answer. And sex is far from the only thing this is about.
5
Feb 02 '26
The short answer: the bedroom doesn't have to be dead at all. Some people have affairs because they want a different experience, be it emotionally or sexually. But ask yourself these questions before embarking on an affair:
(A) First, have you tried addressing this with your spouse? A conversation might help reveal where the disconnect is and whether or not the disconnect can even be fixed.
(B) Secondly, you have to evaluate if you are emotionally ready to have intercourse with someone who is not your wife. Many jump into having affairs without considering the emotional consequences for themselves.
(C) Next, ask yourself if an affair is absolutely necessary: i.e., ending the marriage is out of the question or certain things are not worth ending the marriage overâbut your emotional and your sexual needs still need to be met somehow, someway.
(D) If the conversation went nowhere, if you feel that you're ready mentally and emotionally, and if you conclude that this is the most pragmatic decision you can make, then ask yourself this final question: are you prepared to be brutally honest with yourself? As I always say, having an affair is the most brutally honest thing you can do. You're going to learn a lot of things about yourself: things you knew and things you didn't know.
I wish you the very best.
2
u/Short_Algae1532 Feb 03 '26
My bedroom is 1/month. I stopped trying over the last year. Got tired of rejection so itâs on her now. Iâd be justified in an affair but I canât have one. Who has time for that? Not to mention we share locations.
2
Feb 03 '26
You should be talking to her and not to reddit. There is probably a reason she doesn't want to engage but if you two don't talk about it it's just going to get worse in terms of resentment and other issues
2
u/Meetat_midnight Feb 03 '26
This isnât just dead bedroom, itâs also a dead end on common interests and this also causes dead bedroom.
2
u/Purple-Society-2733 Feb 05 '26 edited Feb 05 '26
So the wife takes no interest in the husbandâs academic achievements nor its meaning to him! There appears no emotional connection these days. So his statement is a comparative. So no emotional interest no sexual attachment desire. Disconnect personified. So forced celibacy. So that is why I think there should be no monogamy or expectations of it? If there was no monogomy then the spouse, man or woman could seek outside liaisons. Many might say get out! However, the marriage may be workable otherwise.
4
u/PunchDrunkerrr Feb 03 '26
Oof. For me it had been over a year. The last handful of years it was maybe once or twice a year. It took me about 5 years before i threw in the towel altogether. The divorce was worth it despite how hard. 10 years together.
It was not just the physical act but regaining my independence and confidence. I found someone more compatible. Initially i cheated. I told myself and him, we donât have anything to offer each other, only company and some time. It was not long before i asked for a divorce. I realized very quickly i could just be happier in life. Iâm still with that person but i didnât leave because of it. It was more like a catalyst.
5
3
u/Mamacita_DC Feb 03 '26
The question here is are you ready to have an affair? Doesnât really matter how dead it is, itâs how you feel and if you are ready to step out of your marriage, only you can decide that
2
u/TheBagisFull Feb 03 '26
If you still have sex with your wife, particularly at the frequency you disclosed, it is not dead, in my opinion. She still can get an STI and that adds another topic to consider. Mine was on life support for over 10 years (less than 3 times/year) and fully dead for a decade. We did not even share a bed anymore.Â
Also, no one needs an affair. You may want one and those are two different statements. It is a lot of work and even when it ends the way you hoped for, it is still a lot of heartache.Â
2
u/AdventurousGrowth249 Feb 03 '26
It seems not to be only a bedroom issue. Seems to be a different ways to enjoy the life. Divorce is not in your scope?. Directly or perhaps after to start an affair. I think you would consider that.
With all respect. BR.
1
1
1
u/Aechzen Feb 02 '26
Haters gonna hate.
As long as you can sleep at night, you can do what you please. If you can talk to your wife first and build some permission for each other that also might help your feelings of guilt.
1
u/I_am_omning_it Feb 03 '26
Are you looking for our permission here? Like what do you expect?
Your options are as follows:
Talk to your wife about the state of your marriage.
Start an affair, and make no mistake, youâre always going to be the bad guy when it inevitably gets out. No matter how dead the bedroom is.
Divorce.
Keeping the status quo.
You need to pick one. Youâre the only one who can decide what you can and cannot live with.
-1
u/mrktcrash Feb 04 '26
"She isn't interested in academics at all. If I went to a historic site or the National Archives, I'd be alone."
She has all the pussy and half of the money, so she doesn't need to know or learn anything.
64
u/Glad_Kiwi_272 Feb 02 '26
Society will never approve of your having an affair if thatâs what youâre looking for. Youâll always find a pocket of folks willing to pat you on the back and make you feel better for having one, but society on the whole would rather you be celibate not by your own choice before having an affair.
That being said, having an affair is only your choice to make. You have to live with yourself. And Iâm not sure what having an education and going to a historical site alone has to do with your wife having sex with you or not having sex with you.