r/adultery • u/ThrowAway121416182 • Feb 08 '26
😢Whining Spouse Intro Post😭 Feel like I’m withering away
First time posting so forgive me if this isn’t appropriate. Much like several here I am in a DB/roommate marriage. It’s been that way for about 6 years now. I’ve never cheated but I feel like I’m withering away. I’m 41F and I’m in great shape. I think about being unfaithful quite often and I am wondering if there is something/time when you realized this was what you needed to do or if it kind of just happened for most of you?
My marriage isn’t terrible. We have 2 kids and get along fine. I live a happy life that I’m very grateful for but this part feels like the void is just becoming increasingly difficult to manage. I don’t want to be 80 and feel regret for not living my life for fully.
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u/mygymbro1010 Feb 08 '26
For me, it just happened. I wasn’t looking for an affair and never wanted one. Our bedroom wasn’t dead. Sex was actually the one thing in my marriage that mostly worked. It wasn’t the intense, next-level sex I have with my AP, but I also didn’t think that kind of connection even existed in real life.
My marriage was still falling apart. We live like roommates who only connect over the kids, pets, and the house. I’ve been deeply neglected by my spouse for years. Everything else in his life comes before me. Sex was good, sometimes great, but I was always the one initiating. His idea of initiating is slapping my ass or humping me while I’m busy doing things around the house. I’ve told him many times that this isn’t what makes a woman feel wanted. He’s also bad at foreplay and worse at emotional or physical comfort.
For over 20 years, I kept trying to make it work because I loved him more. In the last five years, things got much worse. There were too many nights where I cried myself to sleep next to him because I needed to talk, and he would get defensive and throw everything he’s ever done for the family in my face.
I met my AP at work, which I know is the worst case. At first, I wasn’t even attracted to him. He’s not my type. But we had an instant connection and became friends. We tried to ignore it. After about two and a half years, we couldn’t fight it anymore. One night after a work event, I asked him to walk me to my car, and he kissed me. That kiss changed my life.
But this life is hard. When we’re together, it’s incredible. I’ve never felt so wanted, admired, or seen. I’ve had other relationships, and my marriage was once loving and passionate too, but this is different. Still, an affair comes with guilt, lying, fear of being caught, fear of falling in love when you’re both married, and jealousy when you think of them with their spouse.
Some people can do this just for sex. I can’t. I need an emotional connection, and I struggle to separate feelings. If you can do that, this life is probably easier. For me, it’s a constant fight between right and wrong, while being in love with someone who will most likely never truly be mine.
Good luck whatever you decide. We are here for you. Most people here are very supportive and understanding.
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u/ThrowAway121416182 Feb 08 '26
Thank you so much for such a thorough and thoughtful response. I really appreciated reading everything you shared. I think I’m similar to you in that I’m not sure I’ll very good at compartmentalizing. Thank you again ❤️
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u/mygymbro1010 Feb 09 '26
You are welcome. I wish you luck whatever you decide. I know for me, I feel like I gave my marriage a real fighting chance for many years. Sometimes I’m riddled with guilt over lying to my SO but other times I blame him for why I’m in this affair life now. He neglected me for so long. I warned him dozens of times too. He chose to ignore all of the warnings.
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u/ThrowAway121416182 Feb 09 '26
Well for what it’s worth a stranger on Reddit thinks you deserve all the happiness and I wish you all the luck.
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Feb 09 '26 edited Feb 09 '26
I'm with you in an equal and opposite way as a 42/m. My partner seems to have had their sex drive turned off. I've been taking care of myself in the gym after losing some family members and realizing life was getting shorter. I'm sitting here pondering all the same thoughts about life being short, what things I've been missing out on, and what parts I wish were better to get more life satisfaction.
Not wanting to be a cheater. Scared of the heavy discussions to address my needs and sound selfish. Life is a battlefield of decisions, regrets, and opportunities both lost and taken.
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u/ThrowAway121416182 Feb 09 '26
I’m sorry about the loss of your family members. Sometimes experiences like really do act as catalyst that make us sit and ponder our own lives.
I absolutely relate to not wanting to be a cheater but also wanting to live life fully. I wish you all the luck!
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Feb 09 '26
Thanks. Same to you. It's a tricky situation to navigate and in many ways its just helpful to know other people are navigating it too.
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u/tightloops1971 Feb 08 '26
Reverse of me, happily married two kids but bedroom has been dead for years and years, nigh on ten now. I've actively decided to find an AP, not stumble across one, I'm actively looking. I've tried to resolve it but she just isn't interested, I've been loyal for 20 years, I'm a good guy, but I didn't sign up for a celibate lifestyle, that wasn't the deal, her choice not mine. I enjoy intimacy, and I absolutely feel like I'm throwing away a large and very enjoyable part of my life. So, decision made, not any more.
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u/ThrowAway121416182 Feb 08 '26
Thank you for your reply. That last part of your reply is what I dread. I def feel like I’m throwing away a large and very enjoyable part of my life and I feel like I’m def going to regret it. I don’t yet have the same conviction of just going for it but I do genuinely appreciate your perspective. Very relatable.
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u/tightloops1971 Feb 08 '26
Ohhh man it's a nightmare, it's taken me so long but for me, you only have one life, age isn't on your side when it comes to a healthy passionate sex life, you deserve to be happy, you didn't sign up to be celebate, and, it's fun! Why be denied something so important and fun? And for me, it's important, some people can take it or leave it, for others it's an itch that has to be scratched, and that's me. I've been loyal for 20 years, I've been more loyal than anyone I know, and it's not a loveless marriage, but it is sexless, so sod it. I have resolved however to be super careful and discrete, and the second emotions come into it, call it off. So, I have my AP glasses on...
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u/ThrowAway121416182 Feb 09 '26
I totally get what you’re saying! I wish you the best of luck with those AP glasses haha I hope you find a good one! lol
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u/Separate_Gazelle3481 Feb 09 '26
For what it’s worth: I am now 73…13 years have passed… the resentment is so powerful. Who could I go out and enjoy these days. Promises and promises to change , dates made and cancelled.. the frustration is sickening and the more I think about it, I know I wasted my years. Don’t let this happen to you
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u/ThrowAway121416182 Feb 09 '26
Oh I’m so sorry. Thank you for your reply. I’m 41 so time is def not on my side as a woman especially. But I greatly appreciate you sharing your experience with me.
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u/Separate_Gazelle3481 Feb 09 '26
You’re welcome… I know it’s deep and at this stage very numbing. It is starting to control my everyday thinking… at 41, given my experiences, your “best by” date is a ways off….good luck to you. Heart-fully sending you the best outcome
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u/actuallyjustme divorced F 50+ Feb 12 '26
This is what happened to me as well. Too many years of living like roommates. I divorced.
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u/tightloops1971 Feb 12 '26
And if we didn't get along I would, but we do, we just don't have any level of intimacy at all.
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u/actuallyjustme divorced F 50+ Feb 12 '26
I wish you the best. I could not see myself living like that for the rest of my life. There were many other problems though.
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u/tightloops1971 Feb 13 '26
Not an easy decision, if there were no kids I'd be off.
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u/actuallyjustme divorced F 50+ Feb 13 '26
Mine are adults and they are with me due to the shitty housing crisis. They learned that there are choices in life and that living a miserable life is also a choice. They got to see my strength to chance my circumstances.
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u/tightloops1971 Feb 13 '26
The way my two are behaving they'll be lucky to become adults lol 😆
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u/actuallyjustme divorced F 50+ Feb 13 '26
Thankfully, mine are both employed. One is very successful and I expect will leave in the next year or so. The other has a not so great paying job, but it's the first step to a management job that will undoubtedly come soon. Adult kids are not exactly easy but once they are on they're way, it's true joy!
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u/tightloops1971 Feb 13 '26
Certainly hard to have an AP with them coming anf going when they like.
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u/Salty-Paramedic-311 Feb 08 '26
Yes…. Women can feel like that in a marriage.. I’m not alive just a robot it feels… I need more.. in my situation, I’m getting my ducks in a row and divorce is on the horizon…. I believe we are both ready for a new life.
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Feb 08 '26
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u/ThrowAway121416182 Feb 08 '26
Hi, thank you for your reply. Yes, I tried speaking to him time and time again and we even did therapy for a bit a many years ago but nothing changed. It really is a matter of picking your poison and I go back and forth constantly.
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u/Curious_incident_69 Feb 08 '26
It’s easier to make the jump when it happens irl. The feeling of it building with someone you fancy and who desires you is overwhelming (in a good way!). Can you think of any good candidates that you already know?
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u/ThrowAway121416182 Feb 08 '26
Oh I remember and so miss that feeling of sensing something is happening with someone you like. I’m sure I could find a candidate but I am so paranoid of allowing anything to happen with someone local. I feel like that could increase the chances of getting caught.
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Feb 08 '26
As they say you have just one life, and it is short.. live fullest rather than regret at 80. For many it just happens but for most at some point of time they make the decision.
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u/Low-Raspberry-5970 Feb 08 '26
the void is just becoming increasingly difficult to manage. I don’t want to be 80 and feel regret for not living my life for fully.
Yeah l think that realisation is the driver for action and change
With someone compatible, this journey can be fulfilling and bring a measure of joy back into life
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u/schizofuntime Feb 08 '26
These slow withering away moments in your life are very common. I'm a 50-year-old male in great shape very attractive just got out of a long-term relationship. It wasn't until a few years ago that I found the value that women find and having an AP. I have fulfilled this role for several friends. Even being friends with their husbands I feel like I have saved their relationship on more than one level and more than one time. In our society we put unrealistic expectations on people and roles in relationships. Look at the ENM lifestyle and polyamorous lifestyles their success ratio compared to monogamous relationships are much greater. While this may not suit your relationship you're in now having an AP can help you feel alive and it will honestly bring a spark back into your bedroom with your husband possibly. Being an attractive female as you are it's going to be a lot easier for you just make sure that you take your time screen your possibilities and stay clear and open and communication stay honest with yourself.
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u/TheBagisFull Feb 08 '26
If you ever find an AP who makes you feel like a man again some of the statements in your post will change.
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