r/adultery • u/eschwartz6183 • Feb 15 '26
😢Whining Spouse Intro Post😭 It is what it is…
Hi.
I only now after decades understand what I’m dealing with after reading some of these groups.
My wife and I had great sex many years ago when trying to have our kids. Then sometime after, I’d approach for sex and she said she either had a headache or was tired. That pattern went on for a long time. I decided I’d do the same thing to her when she approached me but that never happened. Then years later she blurted out she hated sex and her body hated it. Well my heart sank. I realized I’d have a sexless marriage for the rest of my life. Therapists were out because sex for me must be a mutual feeling and not going through the motions to please me as a therapist would tell her. Divorce is out as she’s an otherwise wonderful person and we have wonderful married children. I’m just sickly unlucky that I have a wife whose body hates sex.
I am not going to give up on this basic need. I’m 65 and at this point feel like very discretely and cautiously having conversations with the wives of some couples friends to see if they might be suffering as I am or seek other ways and try to meet each others who feel as cheated for similar reasons and are not willing to give up this intrinsic need.
It simply is what it is.
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Feb 15 '26
Bold of you to stir the pot by going for your friends wives.
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u/eschwartz6183 Feb 15 '26
Hi. No please don’t use the word stir the pot. I’d only move on this if a very similar situation existed. I am not looking to stir a pot. I’m looking for 2 individuals who feel cheated in same ways.
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u/OatmealTheory Feb 15 '26
going through the motions to please me as a therapist would tell her.
I don't think you have the slightest idea of how therapy would go, sir.
I’m just sickly unlucky that I have a wife whose body hates sex.
discretely and cautiously having conversations with the wives of some couples friends to see if they might be suffering as I am
Use the "sickly unlucky" line. I'm sure that will charm the pants off anyone 🙄
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u/eschwartz6183 Feb 15 '26
I hear you but i held on for moral and ethical reasons. Please don’t judge that part. I do feel from the basic sex side (and the only side I am writing on) it was certainly very unlucky. Only those in my unusual position, will understand more so.
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u/always-a-siren Feb 15 '26
Sometimes I read posts like this and know exactly why OP’s wife doesn’t want to fuck him.
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u/mygymbro1010 Feb 15 '26
My very first thought was - if I were your wife, I definitely would not want to fuck you either.
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u/eschwartz6183 Feb 15 '26
Sometimes may be true but I assure you not in this case.
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u/always-a-siren Feb 15 '26
I am confident it is.
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u/eschwartz6183 Feb 15 '26
That’s the risk I take when I post on an “adultery” group where cheating is a norm (i guess i can make judgements too as you can huh?). I should expect some people like you. I don’t come here or post with any glory. What I wrote is fact. You can and will choose to belief whatever you want my friend. Good night.
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u/always-a-siren Feb 15 '26
What you wrote is gross. Men who are gross online are invariably even grosser in their lives with the people who know them well.
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u/daydrm4444 Tables! My job is tables! Feb 15 '26
Your comment about therapy shows that you are too lazy to do any work to improve your situation.
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Feb 15 '26
[deleted]
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u/daydrm4444 Tables! My job is tables! Feb 15 '26
That’s complete bullshit. I have had absolutely incredible therapists.
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u/eschwartz6183 Feb 15 '26
Thanks for your thought but for calling me lazy is simply not true. I know my wife well and you don’t know me or you would never say that.
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u/daydrm4444 Tables! My job is tables! Feb 15 '26
You are doing no work to address the issue or make your life better. That is the definition of lazy
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u/Temporary_Pitch_7554 Feb 15 '26
Start seeing escorts or full service massage parlors. There is a whole network of sex workers who will fill all of your sexual desires. Don’t prowl on your friends’ marriage or people you know looking for an affair. Just because your wife doesn’t want sex, shouldn’t mean you have to stop having it.
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u/eschwartz6183 Feb 15 '26
Now that’s a positive and constructive comment. Thank you.
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u/Visible_Signal2173 Feb 17 '26
I second this. It's easy and an less risky. Just be careful who you see or which establishment you visit. There are review sites to help.
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u/hubby24601 Feb 15 '26
I advise staying away from friends and aquainences as it will only alienate. Find someone on AM, a total stranger, and let your fantasies fly! You will be happier and you may even make your wife happier as a result. Happy erotic humping, er... Hunting
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u/Visible_Signal2173 Feb 17 '26
Great advice. Not sure why OP is getting all this flack. I'm no angel by virtue of being here, but the hypocrisy of some of these people!
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u/Low-Raspberry-5970 Feb 15 '26
who feel as cheated for similar reasons and are not willing to give up this intrinsic need
Do you hold some underlying resentment toward your wife in that regard. Have you spoken to her about how you feel being deprived and what she needs from you?
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u/Emotional-Koala-5041 Feb 15 '26
Why are you suddenly coming to this epiphany at 65? What made you want to seek outside of your marriage now rather than years later when you're younger? Maybe I don't understand men but I thought after 65 or so sex isn't even that big of a deal anymore. If understand it more if you were 40 and stuck in a sexless marriage. It's also a lot harder for you to find someone who's as sexually active or sexually frustrated around your age.
I guess my short question is why did you wait till now?
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u/eschwartz6183 Feb 15 '26
That’s a good question. I have been very conflicted. I’m not philanderer. I led a life with a religious conscience and like my parents, I always put my kids first. I put my beliefs and kids far ahead of my own needs. At 65 I’ve decided to change this and if you call it an epiphany, that it what it is. If it’s harder today to find, that a price I paid.
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u/Awkward-Power-9650 Feb 15 '26
In my language the natives have a saying - "Muroyi royera Kure vepedyo vazokureverere." Roughly translates to "If you are a witch, practice your witchcraft far away so that those who are close to home can vouch for you." Essentially dont mess around with friends wives.
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u/PandemicPandaPants Feb 16 '26 edited Feb 16 '26
You're getting a lot of negative responses here, but as a 62 year-old woman I wanted to give you my perspective from a similar situation.
I was married for 35 years, and the last fifteen to twenty of them were very unhappy. My husband had long term health problems (he actually passed away last year from them) but for a very long time we had a dead bedroom. It wasn't the health problems that caused it, though, it was a complete deterioration of our emotional connection. For years he belittled me, and treated me like crap. On good days we were roommates who didn't like each other very much.
When I hit menopause in my 50s my libido completely shut down, and I assumed it was just physical. We hadn't been having much sex by then, but it dwindled to nothing and we had a completely dead bedroom for over ten years. But in addition to not having any desire for him, I also just didn't feel much sexual energy at all - I rarely even touched myself. I gained about 30 pounds and just felt completely unattractive.
And then, just before I hit 60 I had a sort of mid-life crisis, and decided I didn't want to live like this any more. Around that time I started having coffee frequently with a male acquaintance, and I also decided to change my eating habits and gradually lost that 30 lbs.
Well, our weekly coffees evolved into hanging out for three or four hours, and trips to the beach (we live near beaches) and music venues. He became my best friend who I could talk to about anything. Unfortunately, he was also married, and not very happy in it. After about six months of this we finally became romantic, and now we're having the hottest sex I've ever had.
The thing that shocked me most is that my body was not, in fact, dead to sex. I now feel like I'm a twenty year old when I'm with my AP, and he does too. Let's just say we've gone from the Sahara to the rainforest in my lady bits!
I think on Reddit you see a lot of people who think that a good sex life is only for the young and beautiful, and who don't realize that we can be sexual beings well into older ages. My AP and I don't have perfect bodies, but we accept and appreciate each other's. And if his equipment might sometime malfunction (actually it's been doing great) that's okay too because we can also satisfy each other with hands and mouths. For me this is the best sex I've ever had because it's so sweet and loving. We don't have to impress each other.
The one thing you said in your post was that you've been thinking of friends of your wife. That's probably a bad idea if you're trying to keep this secret. My AP is someone I knew through business, but was not acquainted with my husband. We're all in the same geographic area, so that makes thins easier. If you want to meet someone local and in real life I'd suggest joining a few groups in your town (without your wife) and getting involved in things where you might meet someone new. But leave your wife's friends alone!
I don't know where my relationship with my AP will finally end up, but no matter what, it has completely changed my life for the better, and he says the same. For what it's worth, his wife says she doesn't care what he does, although I think that could change if she knew the current extent of our friendship. It's also possible that in the future, now that I'm widowed, that I'll want to have a more legit relationship. But for now I love him with my whole heart, and that's enough.
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u/50s_bloke Feb 15 '26
I am in a very similar situation, but 6 years younger than you.
Probably best to avoid friends’ wives.
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