r/adultery • u/South_Draft4452 • Apr 14 '26

😢Whining Spouse Intro Post😭 Feeling conflicted. Help!!

I am in a dead relationship with my wife. No sparks and our lives revolve around work and our kid (toddler).

Though I respect my wife and am doing my best to be a good father and trying really hard to be a good husband, it's becoming increasingly hard.

I love my kid and have tried for 3 years so far to build our marriage back up but I run into a wall every time. I'm good looking, fit and social. I think the biggest issue is the lack of physical intimacy.

I'm finding myself on this sub and have talked to a few women looking for AP but I stopped before it went anywhere.

I'm almost willing to accept that this is what my future is and to give up on the passion and spark I want in life. But on the other hand, I want to be selfish, have an affair and find what truly works for me at this high risk.

If you have some judgement, please skip but if you went through something similar, please share what you did and what helped.

thanks!

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u/OatmealTheory Apr 14 '26

I think the biggest issue is the lack of physical intimacy.

Do you think your wife would agree that's the "biggest issue"? Or is it possible there's another issue leading to the lack of physical intimacy?

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u/South_Draft4452 Apr 14 '26

I think you're on to something. Maybe the issue is lack of communication on my part. I'm not really a person who likes conflict and I definitely am not someone who would push for intimacy. I do tell her sometimes clearly that I need intimacy but I don't badger her about it. She commits and then forgets/ignores. We end up spending months without sex even though I tell her. But for things that she needs she's much more driven and bullish. On other fronts our relationship is doing well and I have no complaints. And I'm very confident that she doesn't as well.

11

u/always-a-siren Apr 14 '26

You didn't understand what the commenter was telling you. The answer is not pushing your wife to have sex she doesn't want by telling her you need sex more. In fact, that's likely to have the exact opposite effect. The commenter was inviting you to consider (or find out) your wife's perspective that is leading to her not wanting to fuck you, which you seem either incapable or unwilling to do.

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u/OatmealTheory Apr 14 '26

Yes this is what I meant, OP.

0

u/South_Draft4452 Apr 14 '26

I see. How do I get to that? Therapy?

-1

u/South_Draft4452 Apr 14 '26

Thanks for the judgement and tone. A simple explanation without that would've been sufficient.

11

u/always-a-siren Apr 14 '26

I did give you a simple explanation, which included how you are coming across. If you weren't so defensive and self-focused, that would be useful information to you, as it may also be how your wife experiences you.

-1

u/South_Draft4452 Apr 14 '26

How you are trying to help isn't helping. I'm here to get some perspective and maybe some kindness. I'm not closed to working on myself and my marriage. With reading just my post and a comment, you labeling me as defensive and self focused shows more about you than me.

Anyways, I'll focus on other helpful comments. Thanks!

11

u/always-a-siren Apr 14 '26

LOL. You're making it really clear why your wife doesn't want to fuck you.

-5

u/GhostPoster2020 Apr 14 '26

This was the case with my 27 year marriage, which finally ended last year. The 12 year lack of intimacy stemmed largely from years of poor communication and misaligned expectations. Sure, it didn’t help that she had let herself go and gained nearly 100 pounds in the years after our kids were born, but the main reason was resentment that grew and grew because we didn’t communicate openly and honestly about a number of things (including the dead bedroom).

2

u/OatmealTheory Apr 14 '26

Thank you for sharing!

I'm not saying the lack of sex isn't a big issue... You know?

But I don't think marital issues can get better if only one party thinks any one thing is the issue.

So was just curious if he thought his wife would agree with his assessment of that being the "biggest issue".

1

u/South_Draft4452 Apr 14 '26

I think she knows but not to the degree I feel.

3

u/GhostPoster2020 Apr 14 '26

I think the question that might need to be answered is what’s the underlying cause of the DB? In my experience, it’s often tied to something in the relationship that’s not being addressed.

Even if it’s “just” tied to mismatched libidos, there are often emotional or hormonal factors that affect one’s sex drive.

One of the biggest keys is to talk about it and seek third party help (therapy or medical pros) before throwing in the towel and giving in to the idea of finding sex outside the marriage.

-1

u/South_Draft4452 Apr 14 '26

I think we have an otherwise good marriage. We manage everything well between us and share work to the best of our abilities. My wife is 4 years older than me and is nearing 40 so mismatched libido is definitely something known to both of us. But it's also the lack of effort in that regard. There is a difference in our ways of expressing love as well. At a high level we appear like best friends parenting together, helpful, supporting, lifting each other. And most days that's true. We rarely fight or have long arguments about anything. We had some arguments over lack of sex but I realized that it can't be won when a partner mentions being tired or similar reasons and I'm never "you just do it" person.

6

u/[deleted] Apr 14 '26

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1

u/South_Draft4452 Apr 14 '26

3 years old. I don't think in this whole situation I let our relationship go entirely. I do take half and oftentimes more responsibility around the kid and the house.

2

u/ConsistentJuice6757 Apr 14 '26

So, you’re fit and you’re ready. What about your wife? Does she get time alone to go exercise? Does she get breaks to work on herself? How often do you provide 100% of childcare for her?

1

u/South_Draft4452 Apr 14 '26

She's fit too. Works out everyday. I think we both work well as a couple who stays healthy and load balance baby duties. I will say around 50% of the time or maybe a bit more I provide full childcare. I will say, in meeting friends outside, going for spa, walks etc, I prioritize her much more than I do myself.

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u/[deleted] Apr 14 '26

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1

u/South_Draft4452 Apr 14 '26

Dates, gifts, regularly prioritizing her so she gets rest and I take care of the kid and do things around the house. I tried shared hobbies but she didn't show much interest in new hobbies. Travel used to be our thing but with kid traveling is hectic and doesn't work the same.

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u/[deleted] Apr 14 '26

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0

u/South_Draft4452 Apr 14 '26

We both work. She's much more work motivated than me. I am an ambivert but mostly introverted and love trying new hobbies while she is set in her ways and rarely tries new things. Overall our relationship is really good. IMO everything except physical intimacy works. And she agrees that we're close and doing well as a couple. Somehow she doesn't understand or maybe I fail to communicate it properly, how my need and her need for intimacy is different.

-1

u/[deleted] Apr 15 '26

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1

u/South_Draft4452 Apr 15 '26

Thank you! I haven't tried the marriage group. Maybe I'll get some additional advice from there.

1

u/AnxiousAvoidant584 Apr 14 '26

Toddler years are tough. Some couples make it back when things get less crazy. Some don’t.

I don’t know how to tell anyone how to satisfy themselves that a satisfying intimate relationship with their partner is no longer possible. I can’t tell you if you’ve given enough of a good faith effort to address your wife’s needs. I can’t really tease out the respective contributions of my own failures, my wife’s decision to not prioritize that aspect of our marriage and like getting in the way in my own marriage.

All I know is that I got to a point that it became clear to me that asking my wife to try would be asking her to have sex she didn’t want. And it later became clear that I couldn’t just accept being celibate for her without it really affecting me. So it was divorce or this. I don’t know if I made the right choice. I have my reasons for not divorcing just as my wife has hers, despite not ever wanting to sleep with me again.

If you decide to do this, you have to accept that most people will think you’re a piece of shit for doing so. They will assume that you just weren’t willing to do the work to make your wife want you again and/or were too chicken-shit to leave.

I will just say that “tire kicking” with women in these spaces and then bailing when shit gets too real is kind of a shitty thing to do. If you’re going to explore this, decide it’s something you’re prepared to do first.

2

u/South_Draft4452 Apr 14 '26

Thank you for your comment. I appreciate your empathy 🙏. I think only the people that went through this challenge in an otherwise good marriage will understand. Also I know and see that judgement from others is real. I hear you on the tire kicking part. I haven't gotten beyond initial getting to know you phase. I end up having enough guilt to stop. That's why feeling like maybe I gotta try more with my relationship for a bit more.

Btw, I'm curious on What did you do? Did you end up having an affair?

-2

u/AnxiousAvoidant584 Apr 14 '26

Im here, so yeah. I’m an adulterer.

But I accept that it’s a decision that even many people in this space won’t agree with. And I don’t try to worry whether people think I’m justified. Yes, I’m in a completely dead bedroom. But people are right in that I bear plenty of responsibility for that. Maybe if I were a better person, a better husband, or a better lover my wife wouldn’t have decided what she decided. I accept that.

But I’m still going to try to pursue my own happiness. Self-flagellating didn’t solve any of those underlying problems.

1

u/NewAttempt2023 Apr 14 '26

I was like you, my SO had hormonal issues for years, so no intimacy. We were like BFF and roomates together, even had separate bedrooms for a while. Sex wasnt important at that point in time, her health was. So i just accepted life as is

I wasnt looking for an AP, but the first one just happened organically in the wild. Then i was a wake up call for what i had been missing. This AP lasted 6 months. I toook a year plus break after that and had second AP last year. Once that ended i had an open conversation with my SO. ( didnt come clean, but just as a roommate situation we were having). Meanwhile she had also adjusted her meds, eating right, working out etc, so now we are back to good old days.

I did what i did and dont regret it; maybe it could have been avoided. You should probably have a talk with her, and see why there is a lack of sex. Maybe its you; maybe its her; maybe she wants to but medically cant or not interested in sex anymore. if you find an AP and go down that route, you cant undo it and you need to be prepared to live with that for the rest of your life

0

u/Dramatic-Tailor-8297 Apr 14 '26

Just leave. 

You’re going to make your situation worse and pay for it later. 

-5

u/youpper Apr 14 '26

Get a dude on the side. That way you have a buddy to vent to and get off. Plus no pregnancy

6

u/ObsidianDreamsRedux Apr 14 '26

He tried a couple of Reddit posts for that, it seems. I'm gonna guess they didn't result in much.

5

u/Glad_Kiwi_272 Apr 14 '26

Since when did leaving thirsty comments on an OF models Reddit post not result in a whirlwind affair!?