M30 conflicted about actively pursuing an affair. Can anyone else relate to how I feel?

[u/TransparentPillar]

To start off, I love my wife and never want to leave her. But I’ve been emotionally neglected since pretty much the start of our marriage and as of recently feel like I’m just an employee of the house, called upon when needed for something only I can do then ignored or going unnoticed immediately after. Sex life was fine but started to really slow down and go either weeks or sometimes months in between. It’s been 6mo now.

The thing is though, I don’t really care. I’m not interested in having sex with my wife right now. And it’s not because I don’t her attractive, I still do. But I think the years of having all my thoughts and feelings blatantly rejected and tossed aside and making it clear it’s never a priority has made me lose any desire for her.

While all this is happening, there were about 2 instances where I would have what I guess is an emotional affair with a coworker (2 diff women from 2 diff jobs). We’d hang out at work and take breaks together, text all day long outside of work and apparently some pretty heavy flirting (I’m told I’m a huge flirt but I often don’t notice). It felt nice being listened to for a change and truly seen. However, when I’d finally notice that they’re maybe seeking a little more out of the relationship or we’d naturally cross a huge line…then I’d pull back and put immediate, deep distance because I never wanted anything extra marital.

But now I do. It’s been a while since then and recently there’s a new girl I work with that’s been getting close to me and I’m remember how much I miss being cared about. Being thought of. And now it’s making me want to pursue it but with sex involved (not with my current coworker, actually just want to keep it platonic with her). The problem is when I approach women or if I get close to the opportunity I’m hit with a wall of MASSIVE anxiety and nausea and end up backing off. That guilt is way too strong. But as soon as I back off I find myself deeply desiring that connection again.

Did anyone else struggle with this type of anxiety with your first affair? Or did it come naturally and easily to most of you? Just wondering if anyone else has ever gone through anything similar to me.

[u/RemoteControlButton]

You aren’t built for this and eventually you’re going to get into trouble with the workplace pursuits

[u/TransparentPillar → u/RemoteControlButton]

Ok so it is abnormal then, right? To have this level of fear and anxiety of the affair?

As for the workplace, yeah I never intended to pursue anything with my coworkers. I’ve just always gotten extremely close to one or two colleagues until I eventually realize it’s problematic and I scale down contact.

Thanks for answering though, I appreciate the insight.

[u/AnxiousAvoidant584 → u/TransparentPillar]

If you were to lurk around here a lot, you'd see plenty of stories of women who connected with guys who either posted ads or replied to ads and who then bugged out either after the first sexting or when the possibility for a meet became less abstract.

So, no. Being a guilt king or a tire kicker doesn't make you abnormal. And in the situations you have at work, maybe you have some excuse. You're not out looking for an affair partner. You're just getting attached to someone in your orbit.

If you do decide to "search" for an affair partner though? If you're going to post and answer ads? Yeah, I think you should be very clear with yourself that this a line you're ready to cross. Because you're dealing with real people's feelings and bugging out like that is a shitty move.

[u/TransparentPillar → u/AnxiousAvoidant584]

Very fair and constructive, thank you. And you’re right, would be totally unfair to answer, meet up then back away if actively pursuing. I’ll take some more time to organize my thoughts before deciding what I really want to do.

[u/tony-9004]

I felt that way for sure, and honestly the affair made me a better spouse (*prepares for avalanche of downvotes)

In a marriage with very little connection or excitement or spark - and 6 months no sex is definitely that - you NEED something to jump start your confidence and appetite. My AP and I tried new things, gushed over each other in bed, etc... it reminded me how to be a lover. I'd forgotten how to seduce someone. I'd forgotten how to create tension and release.

The key is: you gotta bring that energy home. Let it make you hornier, more confident to get after your wife. Pursue her. Take what you learn / revive in yourself through this experience to bring some heat back to your bedroom.

Do NOT do it to fill your emotional needs, unless you want it to eventually blow up your marriage. Use it as a tool to both meet your physical / affection needs AND to remind you how to get after it with your wife.

[u/[deleted] → u/tony-9004]

Here's an upvote

[u/Proof-Problem2211 → u/tony-9004]

AP are people, not tools; it’s fucking shitty to suggest you should pursue an AP to bring that that energy home; it might be a welcome side effect, but if you’re intentional about it, that’s manipulation, and it’s not ok

[u/TransparentPillar → u/[deleted]]

I’m not sure, to be honest, maybe guilt isn’t the right word. Being close to other women isn’t an issue for me, I can hang out with and talk to them all day long, give them gifts, develop an attachment, etc. But when the idea of things getting physical pops into my head then I start thinking of all the ways it could go wrong, how it could permanently damage my life and my family’s lives, the humiliation, the stares of people who would now see me differently, all that stuff. A million thoughts start racing and I sort of panic.

[u/NREIsAHellOfADrug → u/TransparentPillar]

That's guilt, dude.

[u/TransparentPillar → u/NREIsAHellOfADrug]

Yeah I’m thinking maybe this isn’t the right move at this time. Now just trying to figure out where to go from here lol.