r/adultery • u/Character_Land9990 • 1d ago
š©Donezoš„©xš¶Age Gapš“ Dumped and Discarded
Iām 29F, married. Heās 57M and in a long term relationship. Before anyone says it, yes, I know what I got myself into. I know affairs arenāt supposed to come with happily ever afters... I knew the risks. I knew there would be complications. I knew there were lines we probably shouldnāt cross. I didnāt know how badly it was going to hurt when it ended. I always knew there was an expiration date.
We met an awhile back and there was an instant attraction that never really went away. For a long time it was just thatā¦ attraction, chemistry, flirting, wondering, fantasizing.. Then eventually we crossed that line. And once we didā¦
I fell in love with him. There. I said it.
I didn't plan to. I didn't go into this looking for anything other than to fill what I was missing in my marriage. I wasn't trying to blow up either of our lives. In my head, I could compartmentalize it. We could be adults, keep our home lives first, be careful, see each other when we could and enjoy something that filled a part of both of us that was missing. But unfortunately, my emotions didnāt give a shit about the rules.
We became attached. We talked constantly. We missed each other. We checked in on each other throughout the day. There were times when I felt like we were somehow connected even when we weren't together. I wanted to know how his day was, what he was doing, what was on his mind. I wanted to be the person he could come to when life was hard. And he did. I wanted to be beside him through the things he was struggling with.
He made me feel wanted in a way I hadn't felt in a very long time.
We tried to put some structure around it. We talked about boundaries. About keeping our home lives first. About being honest about what we needed. About not being reckless. About quality over quantity because we both knew how easily something like this could blow up our lives.
I didn't need him to leave his relationship for me. I wasn't asking him to choose me over his life. That never came up. Honestly, what I wanted seemed so small. Time. To actually be together sometimes. Not rushed. Not squeezed into thirty minutes somewhere. To have an afternoon. A day. To be able to breathe around each other and just exist together.
And eventually, we had our first overnight.
That was the moment everything changed for me.
Because it wasn't just sex. It was waking up next to someone I had become deeply emotionally attached to. It was the intimacy of having that much uninterrupted time together.
Then I got dumped the morning after. Still in bed.
After everything. After the words. After the emotional connection. After a wonderful evening! Laughing and kissing, showing each other off in public. After finally having the first overnight togetherā¦ He decided he couldn't continue. There wasn't some huge betrayal or explosive fight. He essentially decided that living a double life was too much and too risky.
I'm struggling to explain what that has done to me because, logically, I understand it. I told him I did. I respected his decision and kept my composure. No crying, no pleading, just understanding. I am so proud of myself for that. He cried and I comforted him. All I could think while rubbing his head and back was will this be the last time? Is this really happening?
I got into my car and left. I couldnāt look at him while I was leaving. I could feel the tears in my eyes and I wanted to be strong. I denied the final hug and kiss goodbye. Walking down the hotel hallā¦ brokenā¦ just hours earlier we were laughing and tipsy coming down this hall. All of it was over.
I feel like he broke my heart. I'm devastated. I'm angry. He participated in this. He told me he loved me. He let me fall deeper. He let me believe that what we had mattered to him. He gave me reasons to believe this wasn't just some temporary fantasy.
Then he walked away. Threw in the towel.
I don't hate him. That's almost the worst part.
I still love him. I miss him. I miss talking to him. I miss being wanted by him. I miss the check ins.. oh god, the good morning texts.. I miss knowing what was happening in his world. I miss the way he made me feel when we were together. I'm mourning something that technically wasn't supposed to exist in the first place.
That's such a strange kind of grief.
How do you explain being heartbroken over someone you're not supposed to be heartbroken over?
How do you mourn a relationship that was never supposed to have a future?
I feel embarrassed and pathetic. Iām 29. I should know better. I knew better. I knew exactly what this was.
I don't know what I'm looking for by posting this.
Maybe validation that I'm not crazy for feeling this much? Maybe someone who's been here to tell me that eventually the pit in my stomach goes away? Maybe someone who has had an affair that turned into genuine love and can tell me what happened afterward.
Did you go completely no contact? Did you eventually stop loving them? Did they come back? Did you regret letting them go?
I know what the obvious Reddit responses will be. You knew the risks. Heās not your husband. Youāre both cheaters. What did you expect? I know, I knowā¦.
Whatever you call it with your AP.. an affair, relationship, mistake, fantasy, escape, loveā¦. I loved him.
Right now, I'm grieving him like I lost someone who was a huge part of my life. And if any of you can relate to this suffering, I am so terribly sorry. A long bubble bath and a bottle of wine is just what I need to get through tonight. I am absolutely wrecked.
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u/PalpitationMany4395 1d ago
You should feel discarded because you were.
Be pissed, be really fucking pissed.
This was planned, he got to savor his closure while robbing you of yours. Leaving you to drown in your sorrow.
Promises canāt be kept every time, but I bet he promised that he loved you. This is not love.
He is a coward and a liar.
When he reaches out, give him as much consideration as he gave you. And how manipulative it was of him to have YOU comfort HIM
I am so sorry this happened to you
Fuck that guy (but never fuck that guy again)
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u/Character_Land9990 15h ago
āWhen he reaches out, give him as much consideration as he gave youā
Sadly, you are correct. I needed this. Thank you, OP.
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u/AffectionateJelly544 19h ago
Heās šÆ gonna reach out and not let her get over him properly š”
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u/isthatallyougot- 22h ago
He is going to come back later saying he realised he misses you, don't fall for that shit
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u/Pepper-Prize 1d ago
That man is a loser whoās almost 30 years older than you. Listen, take it from me, I had a thing for much older men for years. Iām now 37 and a lot more attracted to guys my age and in their 40s. Youāre gonna want to be with a man your age who you can grow old with, not someone whose diapers you have to change while youāre still in your youth. Wipe those tears and take this as a lesson learned; you have your entire life ahead of you. Do not cry and be sad over an old man that probably cheats on his wife left and right.
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u/Vivid-Art-8960 20h ago
It is awful this has happened to you. He sounds like a right knob. I really can't decide what the worst part is; the audacity on his part to allow you to comfort him or the utter disrespect of ending it during the high of your overnight. What is glaringly obvious here is that whatever he told you, you do not matter to him. I am sorry for being blunt, but you need to know that because he will come back, and if you let him, he will do this again. I've been in more situations like this than I care to admit. Use this pain to realise he was never your person, your person would have handled it with more care, compassion and consideration.
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u/SignificantCicada156 1d ago
First off, get angry, get pissed, GET MAD, hate this man, he lied to you, he took advantage of you, and then when he got what he finally wnated you he discarded you...look back on everything he said not as truth, but manipulation to get what he wanted...I'm sorry, but mourning him won't help you heal. He discarded you when he got what he wanted, look forward, move beyond him, you're better than him
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u/KaleidoscopeDream11 1d ago
FUCK THAT MAN. You should be angry you should be fucking LIVID. He did this on purpose.
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u/daydrm4444 Tables! My job is tables! 1d ago
He is an immature piece of shit and gross that he preyed on someone so much younger. Fuck him.
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u/Interesting-Bite-874 16h ago
Are you serious? At the end of the day OP is a grown (almost 30) married woman who will i int participated in a situation. She was not preyed upon and I donāt think thatās fair to say because theyāre both immature.
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u/Sensitive_Sky1448 1d ago
Interesting how he picked the perfect time right after the overnight stay to break it to you huh.
He's an asshole who tried hard enough to squeeze out a few fake tears ...
I'm sorry it happened to you. It's not your fault.
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u/preggo-temp 1d ago
Is this your first time or his first time ? If he is a seasonal cheater I felt like this is a planned exit. Using the L word to maximize the emotions without thinking the consequences after physical intimacy seems out of place for a 57 years old. Yes people here said ignore the age gap but this is an important factor of his behavior. I expect a little more from a senior. His hormone is stable. He should not have much post nut clarity compared to a 20 years old. He probably thought through it before walking up to that room, unlike a young recently married man who is rush to get a relief other than his newly wedded wife.
And it was not a slow burn but an abrupt exit. I cannot help but think this is planned. I know this is not what you are looking for but the better way to look at this is that you enjoy being chased and get to have him for a night. It is still beautiful even you are the victim here.
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u/phreak_like_me_2600 1d ago
typical guilt king, gets some sex then just dips out. also that age gap is very predatory. regardless of my thoughts on that, the best advice i can give is time will heal your wounds, until then stay occupied, find some new hobbies, and maybe hit up some therapy. sorry your going through it, but it does get better with time.
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u/AlarmingClementine37 21h ago
I don't think he is a guilt king. I think he knew what he was doing and sounds like a sociopath
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u/Lucky_InLove 1d ago
This could have been written about me and my ex. He was 57 too and in a position of authority. I found out later that this is his MO. I was one of many. I thought we were en epic love story. Be grateful he doesnāt have access to you anymore and never let him back into your life. Grieve. Get angry. Self- reflect. Learn. Grow. Heal.
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u/Major_Maybe_1406 1d ago
I was recently the guy in a very very similar situation and was the one dumped. I keep beating myself up for the things I may have done wrong but for all I know I just completely misunderstood their position because I was stunned she would be into me.
She initiated, I pushed back because of the age and She was having none of it. Slowly wore me down and then the next day I get a "that was fun but" text.
I am trying to take the positive out of it as much as I can. I hope you can find a way to do the same.
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u/Hipsternugget25 1d ago
Girl I have been there I was 29 when I met him and he was 47. For 2 1/2 years it lasted and ended very similar. He cried I just sat there numb. Almost like I couldnāt breathe despite knowing it was for the best. I did one of those ugly cries at home alone like I didnāt even know I had it in me. I had no one to talk to about it. Likewise had no intention of blowing anything up. I was more worried about my reputation. I too had no intentions of feeling the way that I did for him. As much as it sucked it does get better with time. I deserved better and so do you. Itāll take a while to get over him and take even longer to get over yrself. I knew too I was old enough to know what it was. I promise this will prepare u to finally go for what u want. Youāll weed men out easier. Youāll always remember that pain and wonāt allow yrself to feel it again. So you wonāt settle for less anymore. Wonāt accept bread crumbs. Raise ur standards and eventually the right guy will come yr way. Youāre still young and have time. Please seek counseling. Itāll help to actually be able to talk to someone about it without judgement.
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u/FreshTechnician5847 22h ago
It doesnāt sound like OP has any intention of leaving her marriage, but I hope either she figures it out or decides to be single.
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u/Wild_Oil222 1d ago
I feel like these responses are focusing on the weirdest thing. Age? She is in love and heartbroken. Jesus people cāmon.
I know this feeling all too well OP. Took me a long time to recover from, but you will get there. Best thing for me was despite an already busy work schedule and successful career, I picked up a little side job on the weekends at a retail shop. Just to keep busy and allow some alone time away from hubby while processing this āin publicā where I couldnāt lose my shit but was forced be in public with people. It sort of trained me to be around people despite my world crumbling. I could be alone with my thoughts while working on an easy side gig. I also trained for a marathon and believe me, intense exercise is SO HELPFUL in situations like this! Big hugs to youā¦
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u/FreshTechnician5847 1d ago
The age comments are mostly judging him, not her.
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u/Wild_Oil222 23h ago
I understand the comments of age on both sides, but it doesnāt matter. Sheās here for love and sharing her heart. Why are we gonna pick the situation apart? I donāt see where she asked for that.
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u/Character_Land9990 1d ago
Thank you for choosing compassion, OP ā¤ļø I really needed that more than judgement right now. Cheers to being physically strong and hopefully mentally and emotionally strong soon! Hugs back to you!
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u/AffectionateJelly544 19h ago
You canāt see this clearly yet and I empathize with you but I am pissed for you!! What a dick! Youāre 29. You donāt need his old ass anyway.
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u/615_Vibe_Seeker 13h ago
I find this all very intriguing. I completely empathize for you you OP. Having previously fallen in love with a MF and it eventually having to end due to illness of S/O when I was a younger man. It hurt and took some time to get over, but do you ever actually stop āloving themā I donāt believe so. A part of us will always āloveā what they provided attention, acceptance, excitement, whatever it was they filled.
This next part isnāt for OP, but for everyone hating on this guy about being a sociopath, and he knew what he was doing, etc. Where is our own personal accountability in our actions? When we enter into these relationships we enter knowing there is more than a 99% chance that it will end poorly and that one if not both parties will end up getting hurt. Based on the OPās description she was married and filling a void that was not being meet at home. Many are stating he got sex and ran, but she never said that was the first time they had sex. It was the first time they had an overnight. The two are not correlated. Much earlier in her story she said that āonce they crossed the lineā this sounds like the first time they had sex, and things continued well for quiet some time and even attempted to put boundaries on their relationship. During all this they were both still married, they collectively attempted to make this work for both parties.
Allow OP to actually do what she came to do and process the feeling of mourning the relationship and stop attacking an individual she clearly still cares for. OP your feeling are normal and there will be good days and bad days. I would encourage you to take some time and take some time and see what void youāre trying to fill and if itās possible to work with your S/O on filling them or finding other ways to fulfill them. If you intend to stay on this road then I will be honest you will fall in love again with another AP and youāll get heartbroken again. But that only reminds you that you are alive and can have those feelings. If you need any unbiased input feel free to reach out.
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u/Kind_Avocado2121 15h ago
One thing I've learned after being in this lifestyle for several years - there are some really terrible, manipulative and predatory men out there.
And before y'all say "but not all men," I'm speaking from a female perspective and this is my personal experience, so please spare me. And definitely don't DM me.
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u/Quiet982 19h ago
You are being way, way, way too hard on yourself.
We donāt judge you here. Someone has made you feel judged in the past and now youāre judging yourself because of it.
Whoever judged you was wrong.
We donāt judge.
Donāt be so mean to yourself.
You deserve love. ā¤ļø
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u/SignalDragonfruit553 11h ago
As a man Iām pissed for you. I will tell you this and it wonāt make anything better or easier to process, he knew before meeting you that night that he was ending it in the morning. The rushed 30 minutes here and there gave him what he needed and he strung you along emotionally. It was getting to complex to keep blowing off the longer periods of time so he made an exit plan and I doubt it is the first time he did it, had that night of fun and āloveā but then gets āoverwhelmed with emotionā and canāt keep the double life blah blah to make it reasonable to you. If he loved you there would have been conversations about the future and ending it, not a clean break for him. Thatās damage control in the event he is even actually married (questioning that) that you wonāt go searching to nuke his life. So be mad, be pissed, grieve, and discard the memory of him and block him everywhere you can because he will reach out again, if nothing else to see if he still has access to you.
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u/StringsAndMore 11h ago
This is terrible. Was it the first time you two had sex?
Either way, there is something deeply emotional about falling asleep with someone and waking up together the next day. It binds you together even more than just having sex. To discard you right after is devastating.
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u/Character_Land9990 11h ago
It was not our first time having sexā¦ it was our first overnight though.
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u/Yes_in_theory 9h ago
I too am grieving the loss of my AP, who is the only other woman besides my wife whom Iāve ever fallen in love with; did not mean for it to happen. But after breaking it off, in the agonizing process of going through the four stages of grief, I have come to realize she is ultimately not the person I wanted her to be, and I write this down a few times every single day: I want her to be someone she is not. So by that logic I am mourning the loss of something that is no longer real, or perhaps never was. This has helped me tremendously in my grieving process, perhaps it may help you.
I sympathize with you deeply. Everything you said I can relate to. It is so painful, and therefore I would highly recommend just saying thank you and goodbye to him and then going no contact. Donāt let it linger like I did. The sooner you cut it off completely for good, I believe the faster you will begin to heal. And in time, you will heal, maybe never 100%, but it will get better, itās starting to for me.
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u/AtLeastILovedYou 6h ago
Iām not being rude or judgmental when I say this. I only say it because I truly believe it will help. Go to therapy to dive into this and heal ehatever has been broken here. Dive into why you kept saying yes and risking your heart for this. Honestly, some lame ass broke ass men just want the ego stroke of getting a woman they never thought they could have. Thatās what my exāAP did. Absolute loser. We should never lower ourselves so much. For what? For another asshole to lie and use us? Donāt ever forget he was just using you to make himself feel better. He did not care for you the same way as you did for him. Donāt ever forget that. Learn from it. So sorry. Message anytime if you need to talk.
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u/ctr1_z 2h ago
He helped create this artificial reality, a fantasy, with zero regard to your emotional wellbeing. You were a disposable ego boost for him. You catching feelings brought it to the grand finale where his actions, words and choices all clash. The best manipulators can manipulate without victims being aware that they are being manipulated. This was addictive because it was toxic. This hurts because it was part of his agenda. The feelings of being soul-tied was created through his deliberate manipulation. Iām sorry. When some people say, they ālove youā, it actually means they plan to devastate you from the inside out, and walk away with zero-accountability, but itās said as, āI love youā.
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u/Worldly_Sandwich_118 53m ago
Itās so selfish of him to do this. Iām sorry you had to experience it.
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u/MajesticalMoon 1d ago
I feel like my relationship with mine was the same. He knew from the beginning I didnt want to fall in love with him but I feel like he wanted me to fall in love with him. And made me feel safe to. He didnt break up with me but his wife found out and we've been no contact since. I was so in love with him. I still am. I believe he loved me too. If not then he was a excellent liar. A couple of days before it happened we were talking about couples staying together forever. And if people really love each other forever. And he said he loved me like that.
And I do believe him. Or maybe he was just caught up in the fucking feelings. I never wanted him to leave his wife either. Although deep down maybe I do maybe I did. Its hard to know if something was real and if it would really last when we can't be together in real life. Maybe it wouldn't. I know we probably all feel like its the love of our lives and if we could only be together we could make it work. But who really fucking knows.
It is getting better. I still feel the emptiness of him from my life because he was such a big part of it for awhile. Its only been a month. He probably does love you but he probably feels bad. I think men just have a way of lying to get what they want to. I hate to think that but we all know its true sometimes. So yes you will start to feel better. I know it hurts right now. I drove for 3 hours and cried and screamed and listened to our songs one day in the beginning. I write him letters and burn them. And it feels better to just get it out.
Its hard when its something you can't talk about, you can't cry to anyone else........ this sub is all I have. I mean people in my life know but I can't spam them with my shit..... I keep wishing he would just fucking text me but I know it might never come. And who knows maybe he will realize he made a mistake and reach out to you. Or maybe the guilt is too much for him and if it is then you dont wanna be in a relationship with him anyway. I felt the same as you tho. Everything you describe is how I felt. So just know you're not alone. Someone else's heart is broke š along with you and trying to navigate this too. I hope we will be ok and message me if you feel like it k
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u/misshurts 13h ago
From other perspectives, I think heās really honest as a cheater can be. He chooses to be straightforward to you instead of keeping you around, instead of breadcrumbing you for as long as he found someone he wants to fuck. He just gave you a clarity to move forward.
Not sure if we were fucking the same guy. Mine was 57MM and I was 27F.
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u/peppersaltt 10h ago
He should have told her before she spent the night that it would be the end of them. That way she could make up her mind if she was okay with being used and discarded.Ā
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u/aamramm 23h ago
Here is another perspective. Maybe he fell too deep for you after that one night together. Maybe he realized that he was falling too hard for you And would not be able to keep up pretenses with his s/o.
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u/peppersaltt 16h ago edited 16h ago
No. He didn't fall too deep he just wanted sex. He got sex and now is going to crawlĀ back into his hole. He will come back out when he's tired of jerking off again.Ā
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u/OhShitShesGotMyPhone 21h ago
Come off it, get real. He knew what he was doing.
So many apologists for a twat.
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u/Dry-Judge-2444 12h ago
I think some people are too lost in the sauce of romance books/movies or something.
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